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About bxt227us

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    neuroscience, gardening, art, poetry, fireworks

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  1. Are you okay Ang? You were doing not-great a few days ago.


  2. Sometimes I become enraged by my illness. If I were more depressed, I'd be indifferent. I feel i have a right to hate myself when my depression lifts enough to think/feel/speak. Sometimes, i become consumed by self-hatred and I'd rather slip back in to leaden depression.


    1. DopamineSick


      Holy shit bxt, that describes me exactly! I've never seen somebody else put it into words like that. When my depression is so severe that I can barely sit upright, I don't obsess so much about how shitty my life is because I'm so disabled that I know there's absolutely nothing I can do. 

      But when it gets to moderate-severe levels and I have a bit more energy, I start hating myself with a passion and ruminate about how worthless I am, and comparing myself to other people. Sometimes I also get angry at my condition.

  3. I'm doing not great. I'm struggling with rexulti and the soul-shrinking it causes. I don't have words to describe.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. KnickNak


      Ugh, I am sorry.. meds can be a rollercoaster.. hoping you feel better soon.

    3. empty inside

      empty inside

      you don't need words to describe it. just know that we're here supporting you. souls bounce back, it may be shrinking now, but it'll grow again. you'll be okay.

    4. DopamineSick


      What's your dose of Rexulti? I was on 1 mg and just stopped taking it this past week.

  4. From the album flowers, fireworks, me

  5. JD, Chat is back. Come join us if you're still up.
  6. "Error code: 5H269/A " Bummer. I'd really like to hang out there for a bit.
  7. Nevermind. I having the exact same problem now. Hopefully see you soon -Dan
  8. 1 = refresh browser. 2 = delete cookies (all browsing history) (idk, it worked for me) are you using Firefox?
  9. "what you need to do is 'this'" .. "what you need to is 'that'"

    What people who think they have the right to tell me what to do should spends 30 years suicidal. (I'm bitching about family members, not folks here.)


  10. My soul exists the way it does due to medication. My soul exists the way it does due to mental illness. My soul exists between the two.

  11. I feel that my intellect is less than 25% of what it used to be. I am no longer competent at Anything. I can no longer do the simplest things. I feel like there is less of me.. ..like I'm dying in slow motion. No, I don't think it's the meds; I think it's the illness. What a curse, huh?


    1. uhwt


      at least you know your intellect will come back... 

  12. From the album flowers, fireworks, me

    wreath with home-grown strawflowers, aka 'everlasting' flowers
  13. Don't worry. I'll be fine.


    1. empty inside

      empty inside

      i will worry, because i care. i really do. stay safe.

  14. I'm not doing well these days. I'm considering I.P. I just.. ...my motivation to live or even try to is at low. It's really.. ..I stopped caring about caring and 'trying' just prolongs more of the same. When is it okay to say that living doesn't make sense? I've spent the vast majority of my 46 years in Hell and resenting my own conception. When do *I* get to say *enough* already. The fact of the matter is that I don't want live.

    1. HAL9000


      I'm sorry to hear that its this bad.  Maybe this is a good time to ponder if med changes or something the doc can suggest would turn this around or at least get you to the non hell stuff?  Anyway for what its worth a lot of don't want you to die.

    2. hamster


      take care bxt