Teacup

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About Teacup

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    I'm too damn busy trying to stay alive

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  1. For me, I do not believe it will ever go away completely. For me, it waxes and wanes. But now that I've accepted that fact, and no longer fight against it, it does not have the same power over me.
  2. I also go back and forth being fine at times but then paranoid most others that the neighbors dislike me and that my husband is unhappy with me, that everyone I walk past thinks I'm mentally unstable. I feel inferior going to the grocery store or basically doing anything. Stress brings it on big time. Other times its my anxiety that brings my paranoia on I believe.
  3. Increasing my schedule has given me less time to think about and plan suicidal ideation. However, it has opened up a huge can of worms for me. So much anxiety! My tdoc has shared with me this: Increasing your schedule will inevitably increase your stress and anxiety. However, it also increases the goal of achieving a more meaningful life. We must ask ourselves whether or not we are willing to make the sacrifices to achieving that meaningful life. You do this based upon what your personal values are. These will be different for everyone. Then ask yourself whether or not you are serving your values when you are taking on said additional stressors. It becomes clearer but also harder when we must choose one value over another. What are you willing to sacrifice and for how long? For example, I value my children first, but I am willing to make a temporary sacrifice to go back to school so I can get a stable career so that I can better fulfill my personal value of taking care of my children. I hope this helps.
  4. I'm trying to finish school so I can get a job. Meanwhile, I have safety plans in place. Thank you for your concern. I feel ashamed. He had a major medical condition happen over the summer. Thankfully he is fully recovered, as well as undergoing lifestyle changes for his physical health. Unfortunately, he is still unwilling to go to counseling. He still belittles me and tells me that I don't contribute much with my social security check when I certainly pay bills and buy groceries and care for the children. When I used to work, he said the same thing then, that my contributions were meager, and unhelpful. I don't expect much to change if I stay. Once again, I have safety plans if a situation arises.
  5. Usually, when I am asked how I feel, I'll smile, lie and say that I'm "ok". But really I am not ok. I'm miserable, but I just don't know how to reach out effectively without burdening others.
  6. Because I don't want my husband to find physical evidence that I am still engaging in self harm, thereby using it against me in court so I look too unstable to keep my children.
  7. Just wanted to update. I never followed through on pressing further charges on my husband. I had long stopped going to the domestic abuse counseling. I still see the same blessed Tdoc regularly. Things are worse because now he is hitting and threatening to the children. So I have resumed domestic abuse counseling once again. I have also shared what is going on with a trusted family member, who wants me to call the police and have husband arrested next time it happens. I keep making excuses as to why I can't take action now. But it shouldn't really matter..because when it's time to make that call, there will always be a holiday, a birthday, some special event, work being done on the house, or a commitment I've made and some reasonable explanation why now isn't a good time. I am starting to feel tired of making excuses. What about me? Why do I try to rate and value all these up and coming occasions as being more important than me and the children? I do feel bad about my sis-in-law. She lives with us. She is finishing college, her parents are both dead and she has no where else to go. I enjoy her presence very much here, and it hurts me to do this to her. Also, I worry she will think I'm crazy for doing this, because my husband does not show the full extent of his violence in front of her. I still need to make myself and my kids priority, though. I hate how I don't trust my own instincts for making the right decisions. And that I believe I'm the one who's selfish and behaving irrationally. I will continue to update.
  8. Doing something to care for myself. A cup of tea, a shower, lighting a candle. Journaling.
  9. I'm feeling brave enough at this point in my therapy (I think) to talk to tdoc about how I crave his nurturing. But I feel selfish and needy because I already feel he is sort of nurturing to me. I'm not sure if me being able to ask for nurturing (rather than acting out) is a milestone in therapy (I think it might be) or holding me back because maybe our therapeutic relationship would become unbalanced with an increase in nurturing (my specific case fear). I don't want touch..unless maybe a hug? We used to share food (snacks). We both enjoy healthy food. He'd offer me small snacks and I would bring him stuff. (Think cheese sticks, smoothies, veggies). So him sharing food was very nurturing for me. (I grew up in a home having not enough food). So what other ideas could be extremely nurturing and without touch involved? Because now that I'm brave enough to bring this up I'm unsure of what exactly to tell him I'm looking for.
  10. Xanax (which I am no longer prescribed due to past overdoses and abuse) also Seroquol. Seroquol instantly sedates me (no matter how small a dose) and leaves me non-functionable.
  11. Instead I took a Xanax. I was feeling severely out of control. I felt I was about to hurt myself or a family member.
  12. Yep. Only and often when particularly under stress. I hear music (accordion) my late mother played, and these sends shivers up my spine, I also see shadows out of the corners of my eyes.
  13. I'm sorry you are going through all this. I've tried a battle of meds too for my bipolar depression. Lamictal was the only thing that worked. And it worked damn well. Unfortunately, I felt it had stopped working as well for me after two years. But I don't regret taking it during that time. It was truly lifesaving for me.
  14. It's reared its ugly head once again. i can't live like this, it is damaging my relationships, and most importantly my children. I have tantrum-like outbursts, once I get started its like I can't stop myself. For the rest of the evening, I plan on pausing, excusing myself to a time-out, validating how I feel (yet not excusing the behavior. i was feeling so out of control earlier, I actually took my dogs Xanax! (Prescribed for anxiety due to storms). I also refilled my Lamictal and already started taking it. I had discontinued it believing it to be causing me daily headaches, poor memory plus I thought it stopped working for my depression. I really thought I needed that Xanax to calm down otherwise I'd be more damaging, and I strongly felt the urge to hurt myself in order to relieve the intense irritability/anger before I really went off and hurt someone. My depression started back these past 6 months as well. I rather have the headaches and memory loss (memory loss has not gotten better since discounting Lamictal anyway). I have appointment with pdoc Oct 24th. I will ask for med adjustments then if headaches persist. Meanwhile, I've been debating whether to hospitalize myself in order to see pdoc sooner for a med change. But my husband would not like that. And tdoc disapproves as well, because he rather I work through these difficult feelings rather than run to hospital as I've always done when I get like this. I just hope the Lamictal kicks in and so far I'm pretty calm due to the Xanax. In the meantime I need to find ways to CALM down if needed without stealing doggie meds.