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About Wonderful.Cheese

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    Cheddar makes everything better!

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    Cheese (lol), Internet, music, knitting, crocheting, crafts in general, trying to go to the gym

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  1. It was scary. I don't know what to think. I don't normally have hallucinations that are visuals. I've seen spiders but that's about it and I only figured it out that they were hallucinations because of the help of a therapist. They were white spiders almost clear and coming down from the ceiling and I would swing at them but they wouldn't go away.
  2. I saw a man riding a bicycle behind my car. When I got out of my car I looked and the man had disappeared into thin air. He couldn't be seen anywhere, not even a ways down the sidewalk. Must have been a glitch in the universe. I am getting messages and signs like this all the time again now. It's very unsettling.
  3. For me, first depression then bipolar then SZA bipolar type. So three changes in over 12 years maybe? (If you don't count my teenage depression years when I saw professionals...then it would be longer than 12 years) Anxiety has always been in the mix, however.
  4. Just to update... She was able to accept the gift! She thanked me and said it was sweet of me. I said I don't know if you can accept this but I made this for you...and she said I probably can't but I'm going to anyway! She said she doesn't have any winter things for her new baby so the hat was perfect. Yay!
  5. I was once told by a nurse in a state hospital that I would always be suicidal. I mostly am. I wanted so badly to prove her wrong. But I am suicidal more than not, unfortunately. I've had serious attempts, yes. Tubes down my throat/nose, etc. Flushing out my stomach from taking OD of psych meds. Having an ER Dr tell you that they caught you just in time. Not good times. But that was years ago. Now I'm too chicken mostly to do anything but practice taking a small OD. Thinking that that would make me brave enough to try for real again. But no. I'm too scared nowadays.
  6. Maybe I really am just pessimistic and not SZA. I don't know. That just felt so hurtful to me when that person said that in the way they said it. I don't think I'm like that but what if I am. I'm not meant to be around anyone I guess. I must be very toxic.
  7. Is there a difference between being pessimistic and being paranoid? I need to know. I was called pessimistic and I don't think I am that way generally. I believe it is paranoia and anxiety that makes me appear to be pessimistic to this uneducated person. (Uneducated about SZ disorders and MI in general) It kills me though to know that I appear to be pessimistic to some people. How depressing. Just one step closer to the edge for me.
  8. I heard some harsh words about me that were hard to hear. True words but hurtful. Now I feel not good enough for this world.
  9. Yes. Just when I think I am thinking and acting completely sanely it is pointed out to me that I am being paranoid. Then sometimes I realize I was thinking and acting crazy but sometimes I still know I was really right still. It all can get confusing and muddled at times.
  10. Do negative symptoms include suicidal thoughts? I can't find any info about this anywhere. I'd like to read more about this. I always attributed suicidal thoughts to mood symptoms. To answer your question though, I stopped showering and brushing my teeth regularly. I don't talk much to anyone at all about anything anymore. I don't have many thoughts. My mind is blank. I have no friends and I isolate. I can't even watch a half hour TV show; my concentration stinks. I don't care about much. I just have no motivation to do much of anything. I think those are the bulk of the negative symptoms I experience. It's hard. Especially the motivation piece. I waste my life. I wish I were motivated to try work or finish school if I were well enough.
  11. I definitely will let you all know how it goes! Thanks geek!
  12. Oh thanks gear! I didn't know that! I hope she can accept it then! And it's waaaay under $20. Probably $0.80 in yarn.
  13. So I crocheted a baby hat for my pregnant tdoc today. Is it inappropriate to give a gift to your tdoc before she goes on maternity leave? Will she even be allowed to accept it? Is that creepy what I did? I wasn't trying to be creepy. She knows I'm a crocheter and knitter. It's a cute and fun little hat that should fit her baby in winter. I made it yellow because I don't know if she is having a boy or a girl. Do I even try to give it to her?
  14. Oh thanks for the clarification! I should have known that one! Oops!