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About Wonderful.Cheese

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    Cheddar makes everything better!

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    Cheese (lol), Internet, music, knitting, crocheting, crafts in general, trying to go to the gym

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  1. I hope the new med helps you. I feel very similar. I feel what I am now is permanent and I'll never get relief from anything. It's awful. Here's hoping we both get some MUCH needed relief soon.
  2. Ask for Help, they say...

    Oops not sure what I did. I was trying to tag you and it quoted my post? Sorry about that!!!!! Weird!!!! Yes, Fuck them. I'm sorry you were treated that way @deeschmee I lost all my friends too. After my long hospitalization at a state hospital they just treated me very differently, and then they just stopped talking to me altogether! (including the woman who was the maid of honor at my wedding, whom I considered to be one of my closest and best friends). In fact none of my bridesmaids speak to me anymore. But I guess I don't really blame them. I am a totally different person. But it would have been decent of them to at least give me a chance to show them I'm not some alien and that I'm capable of being a good friend at least some of the time when I'm doing better. It just kills me because I used to have a lot of friends and was very extroverted and everyone liked me (mostly I should say, lol). Now I have zero friends and I'm too paranoid to be around people. Always suspicious and sometimes accusing others of bad things. Always depressed or anxious. Nobody likes me because of how I am. I can hide it for maybe a few hours max maybe on a good day, but the crazy always leaks through. Then I take it out on my husband usually. Yeah. I'm a real winner.
  3. This can't be good. Hurting so much and feeling so much emotional and psychological pain. I'm so sad. It actually hurts beyond belief. This is a lesson. Don't take your own life. I'm being punished on top of being stuck in a dream world.
  4. What if I really did die after my most serious suicide attempt 10 years ago? What if I'm dead? I don't feel real or alive. Maybe I'm stuck in some sort of a simulation or dream that is meant to show me the life I could have had, had I not taken my own life. Meant to make me feel remorse. I certainly don't deserve to be alive. My brother does, not me. That makes me very sad knowing nothing is real. Not even love. When will this end and what will happen to "me" when it does? What am I supposed to do?
  5. Well I'm back to 3 AAP'S. Invega 6 mg, Abilify 35 mg, and Seroquel XR 600 mg. Right back where I started practically. Maybe I was too upset and said too much about symptoms at my appointment. I said I wanted to replace Abilify but she said maybe down the road, over a period of several years. But not now due to how poorly I'm doing. I said either replace it with rexulti or invega. Well she thought adding invega again was best. I can call and they will bump it back up to 12 mg of invega if needed. Pdoc will be gone for 6 weeks now. I'm afraid again that I'm going to die from so many meds. But otherwise I know this combo works for me mostly or at least somewhat. Much better than most. No easy answers I guess. It's a question of quality of life I guess yet shortened life span probably. Sad but true. Am I correct?
  6. I wonder too how much help moving things around will actually be. Sigh. I did find out the cost of mail order rexulti is less expensive than previously thought. Which is great. Still super expensive but not $1600 either. We might be able to swing it. I will have to double check with husband of course. But it should be ok. I hope it's not a weight gain med. Ugh. But something needs to change. I see pdoc on Friday and I will try to be as vocal as I can. It's hard but needs to be done. It is a possibility. I will also ask about this on Friday in addition to switching to rexulti. Are you on two antipsychotics or were you? I'm on my phone and can't see. Sorry. I just remembered that you were or are possibly. If you are on one now, do you feel any differently?
  7. I have good news and bad news. Good news? Rexulti mail order is cheaper than I had thought or expected. I confirmed it with my insurance company today. Plus first fill is free so titration period is free basically. So it's still super expensive but I think we could swing it. If it worked really well. Bad news? Pdoc cancelled my appointment super last minute on me this morning. But I got an appointment on Friday morning. Otherwise she is booked out for weeks. Lucky I got that appointment. I just hope she is in on Friday. I will check with my pdoc about this. Good idea!! I wonder if this would bring the cost down somehow?
  8. Act Opposite

    @Geek I think the others have a lot of good good good wisdom. I too think the key is to take a break yes, but to keep moving. We do need to keep moving. Otherwise we get stuck, and in a bad spot too. Which isn't healthy. I think it can be a fine line between indulging the depression too much and taking a mental health break for a while. But I do think the key is to keep persisting. To keep moving. Time limits on the break. And FWIW I don't think you are a needy person geek. I think depression is lying to you. If anything, I think you don't reach out enough maybe! Or maybe it's about right. But either way I don't think you appear needy at all from anything you have shared here.
  9. @jt07 and @mikl_pls Would you guys happen to know (or anyone else too) (I was also wondering what time you guys took your abilify dose too)... Would taking my abilify in the morning help me more at all? I don't know anything about half lives. I currently take it at night. It neither sedates nor activates me. Maybe it would give me more daytime coverage? I used to take it in the AM but I was so tired so all my meds were moved to bedtime. (Well come to find out that I was so tired because my thyroid was whacky and I have hashimoto's, so probably only the Seroquel sedates me somewhat). I'm just grasping at straws here. Lamictal is also taken at bedtime but I was told that would calm me down long ago by my first good pdoc. So not sure. Maybe moving the time I take meds around would help me? Or am I in dream land here? Could this be a solution?
  10. Yes it is an important issue, you are right. I will let you know what my Dr says for sure. There has to be some solution.
  11. Thank you butterfly for the support. I am feeling very hopeless. I worry my pdoc won't want to do anything but what can you do I guess. Wednesday can't come soon enough.
  12. Oh I'm right there with you. Fuck life. I'm pissed. Yes, where is peace? An hour would be amazing! I remember college days too. Some days may have been manic days but yes feeling so like magic like I was certainly the smartest person in the room and just in sync with everything and everyone and nothing could go wrong pure bliss. I remember walking to class like I was literally walking on clouds it felt like. So purely high and magical. I knew everything and no one could stop me. I stayed up for days writing "brilliant" essays. As fucked up as this sounds I miss those days some days. I miss college. I don't miss the messy end of it all though. Now I'm fucking dumber than anyone in the entire world. But I had friends back then. I was confident. I was thin. I had fun. I could read. Fuck. Like you I won't stop taking meds. But seriously, fuck treatment resistant mental illness. Why did it have to smash down into our lives? All of my peers are so far ahead of me and always will be. Fuck life.
  13. I'm sorry. I hope I didn't cause you to worry more about abilify not working one day for you. I think a lot of us here are treatment resistant and that might change the way we react or don't react to meds. I don't know much about that I will admit but I guess anything is a possibility. Plus we all react differently to medications so your experience will not be identical to mine. I hope abilify will work forever for you.
  14. I don't think my pdoc knows how bad I feel. Tdoc just knows how bad I'm worrying we didn't get a chance to touch my mood because time slipped by. I see pdoc on Wednesday morning. I can't call. I'm too nervous. I sit with the phone in my hand for hours trying to call. I hope it is the med and that we are not getting worse and worse over time. I don't think my pdoc is up for any med changes either. Seroquel works for me as it does prevent mania pretty much 100% and helps me sleep at night. But I'm left depressed often and still sometimes psychotic I guess. Plus the worry. I'm sorry. I am too scared to do anything to myself. Don't worry. I'm sorry I said that. I am just fed up.
  15. Thank you. It was definitely a or the drug of my life. Try not to worry. This may never happen to you. I am treatment resistant according to my Dr. So this may be the reason that it has gradually began to not be as effective as it once was. And really, I am just guessing. I have not tried to get off of abilify in 10 years. So how do I know what it is or isn't doing anymore? I just know that I have gotten worse progressively. That's all I know right now.