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About Blu.strong

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  1. We're pretty good friends. She's one of the few people in my life who knows about the trauma. Because we're close and I trust her I know that she didn't mean it in a negative way.
  2. I agree with comment that the question was insensitive. I don't think that the person asking meant it in a bad way I just think she was wondering how its affected me. With that said I also think it was an accidental insensitive question. Saveyoursanity- first thank you for sharing. What you said is very relevant. I think your point 'abuse can change how you express your sexuality, but it doesn't really change the inherent/in-born desires associated with your sexuality.' Rings most true to me. Maybe if I'm asked again ill explain it that way. And just for myself. Thank you
  3. I like that. I think I may go with that. Gives my trauma less say over my current life. Thank you for the comments xxx
  4. Thank you Flower for the response. I don't think I am straight though. Like even when I find guys attractive ice never wanted to be with them. Which goes to your question Rosie. As a kid I only really crushed on girls. But the sexual assault also started when I was 8 and I don't remember much before that. I don't know. It's just confusing I guess. A208B- I like your response. I don't think I know which 'caused' which. I do however know many straight people who have had trauma and never like the same sex. Maybe I was born bi or pansexual. That makes sense why I am attracted to men but aren't sexually attracted to them because of the trauma. I think I would have liked women regardless but as I said before I don't remember much before the assaults.
  5. Hello all. I didn't know this part of CB even existed and I was so excited when I found it this morning. So I have a question and I'm not sure if you can help but I thought I'd ask. Quick background info so you all know what's going on. Between the ages of 8 to 12 I had a family member do some really really bad things to me. Because of these things done to me I know am really nervous around men. Even men I know and trust I still get scared if we are alone together. This is true for all men. I also have extreme flashbacks and things like that. So when I was 12 after the bad things stopped I came out as gay (technically lesbian I guess but I'm not a huge fan of that word so i call myself gay). I am able to be physical with women and I also do find myself really attracted to women. However I do also find men attractive, but the idea of being sexual with them really scares me. Question: so someone asked me if I'm gay because of the trauma I had as a kid or if I just happened to go through trauma and be gay. Not sure if you all can help any but I thought I'd ask.
  6. I'm just me I guess...

    Okay. Thank you. Sorry. I'm trying to breath. I am also counting which helps and making sure I breath every 5th number. I'm so lost. Thanks for responding ASAP.
  7. I'm just me I guess...

    Right when I begin to feel okay again something terrible happens. I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do. I want to harm but I haven't yet. I'm trying so hard not to. Why do these things always happen to me. I'm sorry to post again just... Just fuck
  8. Please help

    Thank you I hope so too. Ill let you know once I meet her. Thanks again (and again and again) for all the help.
  9. I'm just me I guess...

    Again thank you all so much for the replies. Sorry it took a bit to get back to you all I needed to avoid reminders of my SH while I was trying to survive the moment. I managed to do very little harm to myself which is good. I am upset that I hurt myself to the small degree I did and will try (again/still) to fight the urge. While I am still having really bad urges to harm the suicidal thoughts are gone for right now. When school starts again I think ill get myself a therapist. I need some help. Again thank you all for the words xx
  10. It just isn't right

    Call someone. Now if possible. I get like this with the depth I my cuts. It can help me to cover them and distract myself. If that doesn't held sometimes ill cover one with a bandaid or makeup so I can't really see it. Maybe this would help you. Xxx
  11. Please help

    I agree. I'm a little nervous about this- but, I'm going to try seeing a new woman. One who a close friend recommended so I know she's more trust worthy. First meeting is in 2 weeks because I'm out of school currently. Hopefully it goes better!
  12. I'm just me I guess...

    Thank you so much for your kind words A208B. I really really appreciate them. And I went for a 45 minute run today to help me. It actually helped a lot. Exercise always helps me but I often forget how much it helps when I'm feeling super shitty. Hagar running- also thank you so much for the words they helped me a lot. I often picture myself as alone in this struggle and it helps I remind myself that I am not alone. I just turned 18 so until now I haven't ha a therapist because I didn't want my parents finding out I needed to see someone. However when I go back to school there is a woman there I am going to start seeing. I'm nervous but also I haven't been this bad in so so long that I think I do really need help. And I do not currently have a diagnosis because I have never seen someone but I know I have some form of PTSD because of my intense flash backs and I can't sleep or be touched all as a result from something that happened in my childhood. No medication either. Once I get to know my knee therapist I may see if she has an opinion on medication. Not sure yet. Thank you both again. I am kinda doing better. I still really severely want to hurt myself but I am doing a bit better about distracting myself than I was before. I'm just hoping I make it through the day without hurting myself again honestly. Sad but true.
  13. There use to be a point when I knew I wanted to stop self harming. I'd have moments of feeling connected with my body and couldn't believe that I wanted to ever hurt it. I want to quit so bad but maybe it's just a part of me. I feel so unable to quit. I stop one way of harming an begin another. No matter how ba I try to stop I keep failing. I stopped burning and then began cutting. Then today I told myself no no more cutting Blu so them I got so upset with myself without knowin what I was doing I scratched myself so bad my legs are all blood it's suppose to be the best time of my life right now but in reality everything Sucks. I want to end everything so badly. You all here have been so helpful to me before and I'm trying so hard to follow your advice but it keeps getting harder. I don't know what I'm asking... I guess I just wanted someone to know I am trying.
  14. I miss my ritual

    This is hard to do but I had a similar issue and I use to take the writings and put them into a balloon and let the balloon fly away. Not amazing for the environment but it helped me. I think I'd suggest a new routine I think the old one is too triggering. If not a new routine maybe just alter it some?
  15. Personally, its a little weird for me. I don't know that my parents ever said anything, like, ever, even when I was adult. I would think it would be rather difficult to hem your kid's prom dress and not notice cuts on the lower leg. But my sense is that they probably didn't know what to say, if anything... Which means its best to not say anything at all, I guess, because I wasn't *clearly* in distress, only kind of imploding? This actually causes a lot of sadness for "teenage me" when I think about it. And I feel pretty exposed putting this out there. *goes to sit with my anxiety and see what happens* Written by Wooster (sorry my iPhone wont let me quote it) I just wanted to respond to this by saying that I understand how hard it is to tell your story. I have never told anyone my whole self harm story because its just so personal. So I just wanted to thank you for sharing and while I understand being nervous sharing information also understand that you don't have to be because we're all here for you. Xxx