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About magpie

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  1. I have a history of massive ODs. I was researching propranolol and of course, its lethality in ODs came up. I am experiencing horrible anxiety, specifically test taking anxiety. I would almost certainly abuse benzos. My therapist suggested propranolol and it looks promising. Yes, the literature about propranolol ODs got my mind racing a little bit but I'm really interested in a beta blocker for anxiety. I am currently 'not allowed' to hold onto my own medication and have it doled out to me by my parents(I'm 20!!!!). I suppose they could continue with this arrangement but I am looking to move out and not being allowed to hold onto more than a day's worth of medication is pretty demeaning. How do I go about asking my psychiatrist? I almost died under his care on a weekend pass from the ward a year and a half ago from an OD so I expect that he will be careful. Suicide will always be at the back of my mind, whether or not I get this med.
  2. ?!?

  3. I don't know what I'm doing

    I can't go to the ER. They'll just commit me and then discharge me a few hours later because, if I'm taking myself in, I'm 'obviously not that serious'. Yes, I'm anxious about the audition results . Even if I do get in, it's just a matter of time before the next panicy, suicidal episode comes along. I'm not happy. Even ECT couldn't help enough. I don't have the will to live; it's as simple as that. I can't put any therapy to proper use if suicide is an option. I just can't commit to living. I wish that I could. I rediscovered the detergent suicide method. I've already tried slitting my radial artery, 60g of tylenol and 83g of ibuprofen. Obviously, none of those worked. Yes, I'd hurt people close to me but why care if I'm dead? I've already tried binging, smoking and *ucking the feelings away. Also obviously, I'm an attention seeking, overly dramatic whore or why else would I post this? Well, you can't say that I didn't try to stop these feelings. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.
  4. We sound pretty similar, even down to the name lol. We're both relatively young too. I hope sharing my experience helps somewhat. I'm only 19 and I've must have tried 10 different meds since the age of 13. All they did is really prevent me from jumping in front of the subway or something similar. I was still suicidal, lethargic and could never genuinely laugh at anything; it was always forced. In the past two years, I've had upwards of 8 psych ward stays, some of them involuntary. Finally, I saw a different doctor and she recommended ECT. I was so reluctant at first, partially because I had the mindset of ' I'm too young for ECT'. I am SOSOSO glad that I went through with bilateral ECT. Before I started, I had just attempted suicide so you could say that I was pretty depressed lol. I've been depressed since the age of 12, could never wholeheartedly commit to living(suicide wouldn't be taken off of the table) and constantly was reminded by my peers about how depressed I looked. Now, I can laugh without faking it; for me, that reveals it all. All of my friends notice how 'perky' I am. I never imagined the term perky ever being used to describe me. I'm likely going to need maintenance ECT but I'm willing to do anything to feel this good. I'm on a high. Ha my mother even said that she was worried I could be manic. Best of luck! As cheesy as it sounds, there really always is hope, even in the darkest of times.
  5. Maybe the only motivation is that is may make my depression worse.
  6. Bulimia/ED-NOS

    I'm going to get shit for this but one of the reasons why I have no motivation to recover from bulimia is the lack of side effects. Yes, some people may get all of these side effects but I don't. I realize that I'm not invincible and eventually, I may experience them but now I do not. Maybe bad breath. The only time that I had an electrolyte imbalance was when I was 13 and purging everything I ate 5-6 times a day. I lose weight from it too, not gain. Maybe I'll want to when I experience side effects but not now. Everyone pressures me not to do it but why??? Someone give me a reason to recover.
  7. Is it normal to need maintenance ECT?
  8. may I ask why it turned into a nightmare?
  9. Once you are assured that the ECT is working, when is it safe to wean yourself off of your meds? Yes, with your doctor's supervision. Like, what is the point of being on the max dosage of Prozac if it wasn't working in the first place? Would I have to worry about relapsing into depression? Thank you.
  10. I've been diagnosed with treatment resistant depression since age 12(I'm 19 now). I reluctantly agreed to bilateral ECT and I am glad that I did. I knew it was working when... I stopped researching overdosing in my spare time. being perky stopped feeling fake. I could laugh genuinely. among other things.
  11. But I'm 19...

    Yes, every time that I've tried to move out on my own, it hasn't worked out. Yes, I'm fresh out of inpatient. I want to move out. I have ODSP. I have OSAP. My mother threatened to disown me completely if I moved out. :/ At least my father said he'll support me in anything I decide to do, even though he may not approve. What 19 year old doesn't want to move out on their own??? I just need to vent. I saw a beautiful condo for rent with Kate. It's significantly closer to school. My parents honestly expect me to commute an hour+ each way to uni EVERY DAY. This time, I'd be moving in with a friend. My main issue, depression wise, is loneliness. Moving in with a close friend would solve that. I'd also be walking distance to Sonia. Where else will I live in a luxury condo for $500 a month?
  12. I like a guy from the fourth floor

    ...the forensics floor. He is Ukrainian and I smoked weed with him. He is 26. :x I got him to hug and kiss me on the cheek.
  13. not hot enough

    not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough not hot enough lose weight. wear makeup. I really do have BPD, don't I?
  14. I don't remember how many treatments I've had. Maybe 12-15? I started out with unilateral but quickly converted to bilateral and found that it worked much better.
  15. I'm currently undergoing bilateral ECT right now and I don't remember ever being this 'not depressed'. Like others have said, I believe that it literally saved my life. Wishing you the best of luck.