magpie

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About magpie

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  1. I have a history of massive ODs. I was researching propranolol and of course, its lethality in ODs came up. I am experiencing horrible anxiety, specifically test taking anxiety. I would almost certainly abuse benzos. My therapist suggested propranolol and it looks promising. Yes, the literature about propranolol ODs got my mind racing a little bit but I'm really interested in a beta blocker for anxiety. I am currently 'not allowed' to hold onto my own medication and have it doled out to me by my parents(I'm 20!!!!). I suppose they could continue with this arrangement but I am looking to move out and not being allowed to hold onto more than a day's worth of medication is pretty demeaning. How do I go about asking my psychiatrist? I almost died under his care on a weekend pass from the ward a year and a half ago from an OD so I expect that he will be careful. Suicide will always be at the back of my mind, whether or not I get this med.
  2. We sound pretty similar, even down to the name lol. We're both relatively young too. I hope sharing my experience helps somewhat. I'm only 19 and I've must have tried 10 different meds since the age of 13. All they did is really prevent me from jumping in front of the subway or something similar. I was still suicidal, lethargic and could never genuinely laugh at anything; it was always forced. In the past two years, I've had upwards of 8 psych ward stays, some of them involuntary. Finally, I saw a different doctor and she recommended ECT. I was so reluctant at first, partially because I had the mindset of ' I'm too young for ECT'. I am SOSOSO glad that I went through with bilateral ECT. Before I started, I had just attempted suicide so you could say that I was pretty depressed lol. I've been depressed since the age of 12, could never wholeheartedly commit to living(suicide wouldn't be taken off of the table) and constantly was reminded by my peers about how depressed I looked. Now, I can laugh without faking it; for me, that reveals it all. All of my friends notice how 'perky' I am. I never imagined the term perky ever being used to describe me. I'm likely going to need maintenance ECT but I'm willing to do anything to feel this good. I'm on a high. Ha my mother even said that she was worried I could be manic. Best of luck! As cheesy as it sounds, there really always is hope, even in the darkest of times.
  3. Is it normal to need maintenance ECT?
  4. Once you are assured that the ECT is working, when is it safe to wean yourself off of your meds? Yes, with your doctor's supervision. Like, what is the point of being on the max dosage of Prozac if it wasn't working in the first place? Would I have to worry about relapsing into depression? Thank you.
  5. I've been diagnosed with treatment resistant depression since age 12(I'm 19 now). I reluctantly agreed to bilateral ECT and I am glad that I did. I knew it was working when... I stopped researching overdosing in my spare time. being perky stopped feeling fake. I could laugh genuinely. among other things.
  6. I don't remember how many treatments I've had. Maybe 12-15? I started out with unilateral but quickly converted to bilateral and found that it worked much better.
  7. I'm currently undergoing bilateral ECT right now and I don't remember ever being this 'not depressed'. Like others have said, I believe that it literally saved my life. Wishing you the best of luck.
  8. I'm physically nauseated at that and the comments.
  9. I find that I can't drink without feeling depressed afterwards so I generally try to avoid it. I'll occasionally binge drink with friends but rarely drink besides that.
  10. Pdoc suggested new meds. Pdoc is angry with magpie. Pdoc wouldn't put poor magpie on IP. Magpie is a blatant attention seeker when depressed. This is partially why medical community thought magpie had borderline personality disorder initially. Magpie just wants to knit into oblivion. Magpie appreciates the concern. She is unsure about restarting the meds.
  11. Thanks for the support, guys. I really appreciate it. I'll try to remember that the depression is lying to me but it's hijacking my brain. I find it hard to get anything from therapy when there's this constant nagging voice telling me to die.
  12. I had 114g of ibuprofen and he didn't put me on inpatient. I don't know what will; I was intubated after an ibuprofen od. He is letting me live in this twilight zone in agony. I'm too selfish for my own good.
  13. My psychiatrist likes to let me make the suggestions for my treatment. I'm doing alright but things are very up and down. Here's what I've tried so far: Celexa: worked, numbed me made me gain 60lbs Lexapro: nothing Wellbutrin: made me anxious and suicidal Effexor: made me suicidal Lithium: did nothing except make me pee Ativan: made me see waterfalls What I'm on now: Prozac 60mg: there isn't too much room to raise it anymore. Works but not completely Ability 2mg: I'm not sure what it is doing besides making me hungry. It helps somewhat in an unknown way I suppose. I cannot raise it without getting akathesia. Topamax 100mg: Basically so I don't gain weight I have had ect recommended to me. Thanks. Any random suggestions are helpful. I am very sensitive to meds.
  14. I do not have bipolar disorder but two mood stabilizers that I've been on before they nailed down my dx that never caused weight gain were lithium and topamax. Granted they did absolutely nothing for me otherwise haha.
  15. I'm going to practice radical acceptance on my meds and take them until my appt monday; I accept that I must take them or else I'll literally kill myself but I do not approve of them. I'll beg for something new or an admission.