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About confused

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    bundle of nerves
  • Birthday May 1

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    Southern California
  • Interests
    very amateur writing

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  1. I have been blogging about how my tdoc is having me talk about the past and it makes me uncomfortable. Our home was an unpredictable chaotic place. My father was never dx, but he had untreated mi, probably bipolar. My brother had a psychotic break and was untreated, too, but he did not rage like my dad. My mom kept a united front with whatever my dad said and when he would hurt our feelings she would make excuses "it was a joke, your father is wonderful". It is painful to talk about. they would joke about things, like the time they left me at a park and drove home. I know it can happen, but most people don't think it is a fun story. Tdoc was saying that my parents did all they knew how to do. That unless the are sociopaths, parents do what they can for their children. I don't think they were sociopathic, so I am left trying to figure out how smart people can think this was okay, let alone a good environment. I knew is was not okay and I was a kid. the only thing i can come up with is extremely poor judgement. I am not sure if that is a breakthrough of sorts. It is more complicated.
  2. I failed the cpap. I have too much trouble wearing it and don't keep it on because it is uncomfortable ( for me). So, I am trying a dental appliance made by a specialist dentist. He added hooks for rubber bands to help me keep my mouth closed. It pulls my lower jaw slightly forward and then I use a mold of my teeth to help bring them back into place in the morning. It is so much easier for me than the cpap. (I still have the cpap in case this doesn't work.) It is not approved for severe apnea, which I have on my back, but mine is milder on my side. I am doing a sleep study Monday night at home. My sleep is erratic. I have to sleep with the mouthguard in for at least 5 hours for them to get enough data. I have not been snoring when I wear it so I think it is working. I seem to sleep better with it in but i still get tired.
  3. I am uncomfortably numb

  4. Thank you. I am going back, just not sure what to expect. Thanks for the suggestion for slowing down. There are some things i want to blurt out, so i dont have to think about what i am saying. Maybe i could write some things down.
  5. Thank you for letting us know.
  6. I don't have PTSD. I have some symptoms and I have been told some things were trauma. I saw tdoc last Fri and go back this week. I blogged after the session but i really haven't processed it. I intended to stay in the present, but tdoc kept asking about the past to get a clearer picture. I felt like I was talking about someone else, no emotion. She would look sad and I think I apologized for upsetting her at one point. Sometimes it is a relief to get things out, but I don't know how i feel. I really like tdoc, not sure how I feel about going back. I have been trying to be more compassionate and forgiving of people and stay in the present. I think it gave her a better understanding. We ended the session on something unrelated which was good. Is it worthwhile to let secrets and just things you don't talk about and try to forget, out? She said something about putting a positive spin on things. I don't know that I do that. I am usually realistic.
  7. first dx social anxiety (which has stayed) added psychosis nos changed to bipolar 1 changed to schizoaffective, bipolar type For me they changed when my pdocs had more info (sza had always been there as a rule-out)
  8. When i am quiet i hear chatter in my head. Just noise, or like radio announcers but I dont know what they are talking about. I told pdoc but also that i dont want to make changes. It is not distressing or distracting. Just there. He was fine with that. i have not been sleeping great. It is an on going thing where i dont sleep well and then other times, i sleep alot. I have a mouth guard that is supposed to help with apnea, but it is pretty large. I think it is working, i do a home sleep test soon but, i take it out during the night because it bothers me. I am using this more than I did the cpap.
  9. Angerr, Is there a way to go into the room by yourself for a bit, either before or after the session with your mom and talk to your pdoc privately? Please tell someone in person about your feelings of feeling that you are too much of a burden to live.
  10. I do think my experiences put me in a position where I can relate to people with similar issues. I work now as a peer mentor. I don't counsel but I do try to inspire hope and share what I have learned. Maybe, with more training I could be a therapist. I don't know, I have a lot of anxiety, still. Right now, I don't think so. I still have my own issues: I did not like being put on an involuntary hold so I am wary to call on someone else. I sometimes speak to MFT students and tell them they can treat people like me, schizoaffective, with regular techniques (cbt, mindfulness, "as if" thinking etc). Some tdocs are afraid to handle people with severe mental illnesses, they think it is out of their scope, when we aren't that different from their other clients. I have thought about it before, but I always think my social anxiety would be a hindrance.
  11. Hey madmax, no I don't think it is weird you ordered what you wanted. I ordered steak in a fish place once and my friend made a comment like that, too. I guess he was curious why I didn't order fish. I worry what people think, but really it is fine and the conversation changed to something else.
  12. I am working on forgiving and not being so bitter. I know my mom has a lot of anxiety and my father was controlling. She may have truly felt helpless. I am trying to have some compassion. I know if I can forgive her it will make it easier to forgive others, and myself.
  13. Feeling pretty good. Saw tdoc Fri and she asked what medications I am on, again. She made a comment that I am on soo many. I know that, and I wish I wasn't, but they seem to be working. I actually am on less. I am not on topomax. It was making me dopey without much benefit. It bothers me when people second-guess my meds. It plants doubt in my mind.
  14. I can not buy life insurance because of my dx (suicide risk). i was taken off the bone marrow donor list when i updated my health record. the correct dx helps you get proper treatment. Like was said above, you have the choice on who you disclose your dx to. I am pretty open now, but I disclosed slowly, over time.