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About Brokendishes

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    The Abyss of Tartarus

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  1. Have you found any therapists who were supportive of DID? I found an EMDR therapist who fully embraces it and uses that in her re-integration process and trauma healing. I've had dissociative disorder since childhood. I found that having a supportive therapist has helped work through the traumas that caused the DID. When we talk about my pieces, I find there are more that surface because it's safe to. We're kinda reintegrating the pieces as we do the trauma work. I don't know that my parts are strong enough to be called separate entities but there's enough to deal with just hearing their baggage they carry and allowing them to be heard. I think a lot of my being better now is from having the kind of trust relationship with my therapist.
  2. Feeling really bitchy today. People IRL have pissed me off to no end. I'm eating bacon and chocolate. Yes, im a beast


  3. I gotcha...Ur in the west of ny state right? Call catholic charities and get a case worker. They can help with good advice. Pro bono is good idea for lawyer. They're req'd to do so much per year. Call random ones and see if they met their quota yet...your case doesn't sound complicated so they'd be more likely to help. If ur car won't pass inspection, leave it off the street if u can so it don't get tix, and being on ssi you qualify for the carts bus to take u to places, and its free...that's why it's good to talk to catholic charities. Salvation Army handles some stuff but they're less able to do a lot and a lot of people find them to be unpleasant to deal with. Source: having been poor as shit and living in the state of ny back then
  4. Contemplating eating everything in the fridge...but everything in the fridge is sprouted, healthy or Kale... I think I lose<_<

  5. I feel ya. I agree that a psychic cleansing would be useful in that it could rid the place of unwanted energies and/ghosts if you believe in that sort of thing, and subconsciously you'll feel better that you actively did something to make it feel 'better' there. I don't want to offend anyone on this board whether they believe in the supernatural or not, so I'm trying to be diplomatic and say that whatever the belief, if you feel better doing it, go for it. Also, I promise you'll sleep a million times better with a white noise machine!! I totes recommend D'home--I think that's the name--it's something like that--ugly little round thing that plugs in looks like it came from the 60's--but it works like magic! Or there are apps for your phone you can play through a charging speaker dock, and that'll do whitenoise or whatever sound makes you sleep. I like the sound of the Starship Enterprise's warp engine thrumming along with my white noise machine--I'm a trek nerdette and I love it!haha Quick note too, some aromatherapy would help too. Alot of the banishing/purifying rituals from various religions have nice smelling incense and sprays, but even a nice lavender potpourri may help sooth you.
  6. Totes agree with JT07...big kudos for doing hard stuff that makes u wanna puke. I would say that's part of the key to fighting the illness--you know, fighting back. I feel like you that Manhattan is a horrid place and I avoid it. For me the decision to avoid it has put the brakes on many of my social and work plans, but for me, I know how much I can tolerate--and that exceeds my tolerance levels by far. I personally had to come to the decision to take care of my mental health before worrying about career, relationships, etc. I would describe myself as driven and hard working but in the last couple of years I've had to reframe that and re-evaluate what I want out of life and how I define myself. For me, part of it was those news stories about people dying on a subway platform and its like no big deal. I want my existence to be more consequential than I'm opting out of that kind of existence. I'm not taking a subway to a shitty job in a shitty city(that rhymes haha) just to make money. And I'm not doing other stressful things because the "cost" is too much, emotionally, mentally, spiritually... I'm in the process of changing careers entirely. While I am scared of the transition, I find it reassuring in a way because I now am taking control of my exposure to stressors. If I choose to, say, make pottery in the desert and earn $15K a year at it, that's a decision I could live with because my mental state is in a better way... If I had to ride the subway to work and be smooshed in a throng of people, I'd better be getting paid in the 6-figure range because anything less too damaging to make it worth it. PLUS, the biggest thing for me is when I was in bad situations--jobs, marriages, abuse, etc--I would just want to "survive" it and sort the shit out later--long as I made it through I thought it was worth it. I was soooo wrong! Had I been emotionally stronger and more able to gauge my inner coping mechanisms, I would have split and left all that stuff behind long before it got really really bad/overwhelming. The damage it inflicted has left a huge giant cluster of crazy in me that I'm having to fix NOW. My thinking now is I'd rather not suffer the sunburn and all the peeling and pain when I can just avoid the sun and wear sunscreen--know what I mean? I think your decision though is ultimately something you have to decide for yourself, and only you can judge how much of that City you can take. On the one hand you felt lousy but on the other you were successful and accomplished your mission(way to go btw!!) Only you can decide though if it's worth it to you to continue to be stressed and overwhelmed by it. I feel ya--there's alot of coping things you can do when you get a sensory overload like that--but when you're overloaded you can't remember to use your skills--it's a vicious circle. So bottom line is, how much stress do you *want* to's entirely up to you. You can change your life so you don't have to deal with that specific city, and deal with less powerful stressors--or you can continue to fight and try to keep going.
  7. Rain is a pain

  8. Coffee--more coffee!!!!!!!:goofy:

  9. Slowly defrosting...Elsa is beaten and in the trunk of my car...I've had enough Frozen to last me forever!haha😈

    1. jt07


      So I guess you won't be moving to Alaska then?

    2. Brokendishes


      only when it breaks off and drifts down to the equator. haha

  10. New Year, new Attitude. #theBitchisBack haha

  11. I get really irritated that in my state any kind of painkiller is super regulated. People only get 5 days worth then gotta come back, the prescriptions are tracked by drivers license, it's just so ridiculous. There are slot of chronic conditions that can only be managed by painkillers...a lot of GI chronic debilitating diseases have no cure, no treatments, just painkillers to make it less horrible...and those same people are held to the same crappy regulations. Instead of making a medical note for them, they get shafted too. I totes get the abuse factor. But here, they know the drug houses, and when one crew gets busted, more move in. Repeat cycle endlessly... if the day comes where my Xanax is regulated the same there's gonna be trouble because I'm not taking it laying down. I agree the abuse factor of benzos is much lower than any other drug simply because they're harder to obtain on a regular basis to become addicted to, and as your tolerance grows and you need more it's a huge red flag to any prescriber or pharmacy. I see that addictive behavior in people addicted to painkillers but I know nobody who shows that kind of addiction to Xanax. I think mostly because it doesn't affect you like opiates do. A bunch of Xanax would knock me out or kill me, but people taking painkillers would feel a high, from what I've seen on tv. ive been on every tranquilizer available and Xanax has been the only one to work and not have debilitating side effects. And I have zero desire to smoke it, snort it, inject it or whatever u would do to abuse it. I just take my doses as prescribed and am grateful I can function for the most part, without wanting to claw my skin off or run in traffic. Not once has it ever, ever made me feel 'good' or buzzed or high. For me, it's just a necessary thing like an asthma inhaler or glasses...something I need to function, no more no less.
  12. Holding Frosty the Snowman at gunpoint☃️🔫😈

  13. Hi notloki... I was actually just referring to the original posters question about their specific anxiety. I wasn't meaning to say across the board. Sorry if I didn't say that clearly:) i think there are all kinds of MI, and in referring to my own experience, I have organic things and things caused by trauma and things organic that were made worse by trauma. I guess my point was, in finding a way to live and feel as close to whatever normal is, I find all the other stuff necessary(yoga, exercise, therapy, etc) necessary in addition to meds. I guess what I didn't say clearly was that I get bipolar, etc can be treated with meds, but I think therapy is helpful too...maybe not to figure out why but how to live with it and all the baggage that comes with it, i guess was my point. Therapy seems to help because regardless of what MI people have, there is so much pain living with it. No matter how med compliant one may be, stuff still happens that makes you feel shitty so IMO counseling is good for that.
  14. My T doc said point blank I will be in Xanax the rest of my life, period. In a way it was reassuring that I'm fucked up enuff to get them without any hesitation but in another way, I feel like it's just handing out drugs to make me functional without addressing what's causing me to be completely off the hook. I take the 1mg pills and quarter them, so one bottle lasts over 3 months, plus I get refills when reminded so I wind up having extra pills around. My dosing is .25mg every 4-6 hours or thereabouts. In a day, my total Xanax intake is roughly prescribed dose is I'm well within limits. I don't take extra cuz it's a bad day...I've occasionally forgotten if I took a dose...normally the am one, so I'll take an extra .25 just to be sure I took it. On the days I've accidentally doubled up, I wind up feeling nauseous more than spacey or relaxed. I feel nothing inside...kinda empty with no stress or depression...just empty. But by the time my next dose comes, I'm myself again. i think Xanax is best given smaller doses at 4-6 hr intervals. It's half live is short so that keeps blood levels even. Valium did absolutely nothing for me...even prior to surgery they gave me this huge honkin dose and I wasn't phased in the least...but a glass of wine knocks me out even before I was in Xanax. I think Valium is pretty useless for anxiety, and Xanax or Ativan are much better choices. as far as addiction goes, I agree people become physically addicted to it...I most likely am. If I stop suddenly, I'll most likely seize and die...but I'd rather be on it than try to taper off right life is kinda in shambles and I'm just coming up to stable now. People who abuse drugs, like heroin and stuff...they get something good from the drug..a high or feeling good. Xanax just keeps me from clawing my skin from my bones or running hysterically into traffic...there's no high, no rush nothing...just takes away the anxiety that's so severe I could chuck myself off a building to make it stop. So when taking addiction, I think it's about being honest with a doctor and saying that it gets me high or just keeps me from killing myself...know what I mean? I've been on Xanax for prob 10+ years now. I held down major jobs, multitasked, etc and was able to do it without the intense anxiety that was killing me. I do say that try the minimum dose possible and avoid increases unless necessary. I'm at a good and stable level now but that's after spacing my pills out to every 4-6 hours...where before it was just three times a day. As much as I would have liked to have stayed at the lower dose, my anxiety was breaking thru during the day to the point I want sure I could keep working. Now with my meds leveled, I'm gold. And I'm not forgetful or whatever else they say Xanax causes. If I forget shit it's because I wanted to and it wasn't important Seriously, you'll know the difference between being stable and properly medicated, and when you're under medicated. one day down the road a bit, I'm going to a detox place to step down the Xanax. But that's only when I'm settled and have worked through my in real Bullshit that's caused this mess. Ideally I'd love to be off it entirely but if I can reduce my dose I'd be happy with that. Hope that rambling mess kinda helped....
  15. Yes yes yes! Good for u! I'm doing this reframing in therapy. I am still and will always be very med compliant, but addressing the root cause of anxiety, depression, etc is very important. I wasn't able to watch the vid u posted but what u wrote sounds like what my counselor does...reframed negative self image into positive, and same for other distorted beliefs. I really feel meds and therapy are meant to work together. Meds make us more stable and able to cope and even more clear...and therapy helps fix screwed up thinking. When I'm crazy, my therapist asks what else could it be? Like if I'm worried someone didn't call and they're dead, what else could it be...running late, no cell service, low battery...