JustDucky

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About JustDucky

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  1. Thanks so much guys . They have advised I live at the residence for the next 2 weeks because things at home are too stressful The family they just can't act live I am a patient in s hospital they blow me off and make joke s and hurtful comments so I packed my bag for a week and will re evaluate next week I am not happy about being there and getting NOTHING from group other than gratitude because most of the patients are far worse than me . We spend a lot of time on manic people and others falling asleep my pdoc says she will not send anyone else there this was not what I experienced there 2 years ago ... the professionals program is non existent except 2 meetings I am trying to listen to what I can learn but it's tough . I am going to ask again to go to different group I can't function with 18 people in a group or I will call and ask the board the questions because my pdoc said I am free to leave the program Anything else I should do?
  2. I tried talking to my husband and he said " look whatever it takes to keep your license but I think Ridgeview likes you as a patient because you have 2 insurances " which is true for now I am approved till 4/13. The only thing I signed was into their care no end date but my pdoc said 2 weeks if I check out early I am then non compliant and they can report to my license I didn't complete the program.... they could suspend it I went there voluntarily because I crashed and burned when Daniel committed suicide and my niece died they have changed my meds and are watching to see if I turn manic and I don't know how long that takes. They finally gave me something for anxiety .... Thank God At the hospital I am under a different dr care then my regular pdoc i left early yesterday after not answering the question are you feeling bad or suicidal and my answer was " don't worry I have felt this way for weeks and did nothing" wasn't a good answer I should have said o" oh yeah I feel fucking terrific my best friendd is dead woot woot" I left to get some quality food not starch not sugar and I went home to nap after many days without sleeping and I did They called to check on me .... seriously ?? If I check out AMA a I can never go back to the professionals program and they will report it to the nursing board i just can't take the same stupid lectures I am thinking about coloring pencils and and a sheet to color obviously they know more about my disease than I do but lots of people who have shitty insurance stay for 2 weeks then out of there . If no insurance it's 7 days I don't care how long I am there I am going to be sad for a while but hey I can lie and say oh I am a bundle of fucking joy everyday The groups are huge I want to older group but I am not there for addiction .... who gives a fuck it's the same answer as the 12 steps Thanks for listening I could use some support
  3. I have been suggested to go to IOP (intensive out patient ) I have gone the last 2 days I was told this was for med management for 2 weeks but they told me my insurance was approved for 3 full weeks they hold my nursing license so I have to do everything they advise i just have to believe that it is contingent on them getting paid so I could be stuck there for awhile I do know they are changing my meds but the drs keep talking like this will be long term and I only agreed to 2 weeks my husband wants me out ..... NOW abut I know I'm not ready yet how do I handle these opposite opinions ? How do I advocate for myself ? Have you guys ever experienced this kind of stuff I keep checking in as a sad but I am sad I had two deaths of people close to me the last 3 weeks but is that keeping me in IOP? I dunno thanks for listening
  4. VA Sent a nice little letter saying that our support group was no longer covered under benefits because as a group we have dropped our inpatient stays and our relapse rate so the group is being dismantled On top of that the President told the VA to audit every soldiers pay over the last 10 years and benefits and if there is a discrepancy do not pay our monthly benefits . MY letter said they had paid me 10,216 dollars with no explanation of how or even when I love love when people make great speeches and applaud at Congress over the latest Hero and then they wait 3 seconds and fuck us all over again
  5. Have you guys ever crashed really quick and not see how far down you had gone? I lost my niece to an OD and then lost a good friend to suicide . Within a week I was speaking rapidly anxious and not sleeping let alone the PTSD flashbacks were in control and I was a total bitch I didn't see it until I was out of control really all of this happened so quickly . I have been on the same meds for years and suddenly they are talking about IP and IOP ( intensive out patient ) they are waiting to approve my insurance because the VA aid fighting it and wanting me to go to the VA i am waiting on the professionals program at another hospital but my concern is it may not start till Wednesday . my license can be at risk if I don't complete a program. THey did say if things got worse I could call or go there and they would call my admitting DR who is different than my regular Pdoc they started me on zyprexa and it has taken the edge off it hurts my feelings and more so my pride that I am stark raving sober having not picked up a drink or drug yet I still am headed to a psych hospital have any of you had an experience similar? If so what did you do ? HOw long did the meds take to stabilize you? What suggestions do you have about staying safe the next 3 days? What might I expect to happen?
  6. OH Hon i am so sorry I just got this the funeral is a hard thing for those we love . I know you are tired and wiped out the people coming to the funeral are also there for you .... ask for help .... accept help know that friends love you and loved her ..... take care of yourself but try not to close yourself off in grief . Funerals are there for a reason and before you make that decision just make sure it one you won't regret i wish I could scoop you up and give you a hug and smooth you hair and tell you that I love ya and you will feel better but it's so hard now D
  7. The pups Pod loved so much have been adopted. THere were several applications and this family was chosen after an adoption process that resembled what I had to do to foster the kids The puppies are safe and warm and happy and the most important part ........ loved and wanted I think pod would be happy ...... we loved him so much and we took care of those he loved thanks to all that made this happen !
  8. I am going to post this here and a new thread the puppies are in a great home and adopted ... the people were checked completely and they promised to love them forever their contract states if they cannot for any reason take care of them .... they will come back to rescue and I will be called The dogs are together and in a great home ....... I think pod would be pleased thanks to all who helped make this possible D
  9. Last week my husband and my nephew got into a heated argument and granted my nephew was really being an ass but I got between them and my husband says he was trying to move me and hit the wall but what happened was he slammed me in the face and my other side of my face went into the wall. All of this happened after my husband had gone to a " men's group" at church and he came home all spiritual head of the family shit and a complete list on everything I could do better the day before this incident I was having vertigo and went to NP after my self prescribing didn't work. My NP aren't me for cat scan and dr at hospital I think reported it or someone else and the police showed up to investigate end result .... husband has to go to 16 weeks of anger management classes and the social worker for the kids will now be stopping by more of course all of this is being blamed on me from husband I left for 2 days and only came back after meeting with family counselor after refusing going to our church for counseling. Things here are really tough I am not over this the kids aren't over this and husband is pissed off because we're not i understand that shit happens and I have been married a long long time . If he continues to go to this group who's only mission seems to be how to keep your wife in line , I won't stay Divorce has never been an option for me . But right now I don't want to talk to him and pretend that everything is ok. I'm not over it i dontwant hugs or kisses or really anything from him. I'm not trying to punish him I just want to be left alone and let me deal with this. I was an abused kid and this is going to take me awhile we are going to counseling . I want to leave our church . Our church has never been equal within the family and I'm done with it . The only reason I stayed was for the kids to be married there but my daughter who is the only one unmarried and she has left the church. The niece and nephew are hanging out at a large Methodist church youth group and they are loving it have any of you ever experienced this kind out of outburst after many years of knowing someone? How did you recover ? How do you move beyond anger ? How long does it take to heal This whole incident has me completely rattled. I can't sleep I can't keep up with my meds and I am going to call pdoc for emergency appt. I am embarassed by the bruises on my face and I am sick of lying to people about how I got them the niece is getting back to normal but the nephew speaks to him in 3-4 words period . Ok , yes sir, no sir, and FINE whatever you want I realize I am doing about the same yes no and I don't know or whatever is fine or whatver you want to do . I don't know how to recover from this and I am now exactly willing to try yet I have emergency money that he doesn't know about so I would be ok if I have to leave . His dad as he got older got meaner and meaner and if that's where we are heading then I will just have to go and that breaks my heart if this drama continues it could affect the kids as they are legally foster kids..... we will be meeting with them again ..... they are the ones who ordered the anger mgmt and marriage therapy requirement and I resent the hell out of it but I understand I don't know that there is anything my husband could do to make this better . I just don't know how to recover so any ideas would be greatly appreciated
  10. Not good at all. I have vertigo and nausea . I had to go to ER because my NP siad I needed at a Cat scan so I went and now we are being investigated for the bruises I had on my face I think we have it all explained but now husband has 16 weeks of anger management classes and guess who he is taking that out on .. not to mention we are now back to monthly visits from DFACS because both kids also told their therapist they saw my husband hit me all of this was just a huge fuck up I got between my nephew and husband and husband was trying to push me to the side and instead I got a hand on one side of the face and a wall on the other my husband somehow expects me to act normal and the only thing I can think is dude I could fuck you up and you know it . It was everything I could do not to go Marine on his ass and now he expects me to just act nothing has changed I am not in the mood yet to make things ok ... I don't want him to touch me I don't want to hear I love you ...he needs to get on his knees and beg forgiveness or this marriage could be ending
  11. I am having a pretty rough time right now and I was up at 4 am in tears. As I sat here on the couch journaling I happened to see a recipe pod sent me so then I decided I would journal and think to myself " what would Pod say? Think or do?" (1) One the answer would be mostly sarcastic and loving (2)he would say get off your ass and try something new it doesn't have to be better or worse just try something different because your way isn't working (3 )then he would give me a recipe or talk about the garden or some random genetic theory or about the animals He used to tell me to go hug a puppy and cry ..... he was one of the only people who knew how hard it is for me to cry i miss my friend and I don't think as a group we really came together to honor his life. It was like chat was mourning and mods were mourning and maybe the board a little but without ever really coming together one thing pod taught me was "to take a step back and think does this really matter? Does this really have an effect on your life? Is this a huge problem or are you just giving it Huge attention? I miss my friend
  12. Sometimes on this site it is overwhelming to try and answer everyone but that doesn't make it feel better sometimes the op is ass over alligators and just can't respond at that time i value what you say here .... I look forward to reading your post and I am glad you are here Private messages can be great and they can suck. Remember that is one persons opinion and even if more than one realize that they are crazy people . Sometimes crazy people act crazy and sometimes they group together and then the crazy just gets multiplied out of control try not to take this place too seriously it's a great place but it's not real life if you want my cell phone number where we can text I will be happy to send it pm... now that's real life And on another note .... the way I feel right now I am going to practice a self care weekend I have some cleaning and laundry to do and seeing the grand baby and probably reading a new book what I'm not going to do ....., worry about bullshit that I can't control anyway . Try to get it through my head one last time Internet relationships seem real but they are not and Although people will say the opposite and talk about how close they are but I try to remember this ..., we aren't at each other's weddings or funerals or people on the internet don't know your family nor ever see you some may exclaim but it's more real on the internet etc etc ....., but that's just lies we tell ourselves because we aren't out in the world doing the real deal
  13. I agree with your statements completely all of them

  14. I am feeling pissed off hurt and relieved I'm a fixer it's what I do ... I fix people 12 hours a day 3 days a week. People pay to see me to fix them and make them better as their NP primary care person . I am/ was a military officer taking care of hundreds of people underneath me for 20 something years it's hard to turn that off. It's hard not to want to try and fix people and try to help even when I do it wrong in real life people get it . They see my face they get my hugs they see my smile and they see me cry and they see me concerned and even pissed but at the end of the day they will say they know I care I don't know how to communicate this on the internet . Honestly this is the only place I go to the internet except for Amazon And Macy's. So I don't know how to express my feelings or thoughts in chat rooms and boards Last time I chose to take a break from chat and I asked Pod to ban me for 2 weeks . I was in real life a friend to pod and I saw him just weeks ago . I miss him and another friend who died after putting a gun to his head the day after pod died so maybe just maybe I need to focus on getting better I seem to have been on auto pilot and even my family says I have been completely wound up and moving to fast and too hard maybe just maybe it's time to just stop and just be stopped and just to be still. Maybe it's time for me just to say good bye and be don't with it all I dunno
  15. My husband came home from a church meeting and decided he was going to pull the ." Spiritual head of family " bullshit and that's when he said I needed to act and dress more modestly have the household colpletely including the kids managed more appropriately and that I had become flippant . He said now that I was only working 3 days a week I needed to volunteer twice a week at church I may only work 3 days a week but I still work 36-49 hours I went nuclear ...., I quit the church and he kept yanking the letter out of my hand so I emailed it . I stopped my retirement and pay checks from going into joint account and haven't spoken to him in days now I know I an way over reacting but this happened in a particularly bad time in my life . I have not cooked cleaned nor spoken to him since Sunday I walked in last night he shoved a plate of macaroni and cheese at me and I threw the plate against the fireplace ... yes I know very juvenile but the whole mac and cheese was just his way of slamming me and damn it I really liked that plate and have to go to Macy's now anyway and chat person is pissing me off I may have to joking the ranks with Zoey because someone needs to stop this asshole from playing fucked up games in chat