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About Geek

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    living better through chemistry
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  1. What do you do when everything hurts? When the pain and sadness is so overwhelming that it's hard to breathe and all you can do is cry or just... stare into space? There's not even a reason for it except that I suck.
  2. Thanks for keeping involved in this process, Ducky. I'm glad the dogs are together and in a good home.
  3. It doesn't matter to me if I donate through Go Fund Me or PayPal. Do you have a preference, for example based on fees?
  4. Interesting that I noticed this today. My pdoc has me on a starter pack of Strattera this week and I'm struggling. I have taken it before and ultimately stopped because I found it made me nauseous to the point of vomiting up my meds ~30min after taking them. Now my pdoc (who is not the doctor who prescribed it the first time) wants me to try it again. The taste of the pill in my mouth, even before adding any water is horrendous (and way worse once adding water). I'm consistently retching just from putting the pill in my mouth (and I'm sure the anxiety of anticipating that just makes it worse/more likely). Usually I can take all my pills in a handful and just swallow in one go. I've started taking the Strattera first because then if I do puke it up or can't swallow it, at least I only lose that med and not the others as well. I'm not sure what to do though. I'm wondering about getting some applesauce and seeing if I can take it that way. Otherwise, I may have to nix it again.
  5. My pdoc brought this up as a possibility for later this spring, depending how other things play out. She says she's skeptical as to its utility though. She says the testing just shows information on how you metabolise a med - so it can be helpful in showing if you may need an atypical dose, but it doesn't tell you if a med or type of meds will work for you. Science isn't there yet. That said, data is data. I don't see how it can hurt, and maybe it will help.
  6. One of the things I am learning and trying to remember is that it's worth calling even if I don't think they can do much. For one, maybe they can (e.g. a med tweak - after all, they're the ones with the medical degree, right?) and sometimes just talking to them and knowing they're aware I'm having a hard time helps. My therapist can remind me of self-care things and other skills that I know but don't always remember which might make me feel better, even if only in the moment. Also, part of their job is to observe and look for patterns, so just giving them more data can be useful.
  7. You got it, Woo. My therapist is working with me on self care skills that I can implement instead of SH. Stuff like taking a shower, putting on comfy clothes, eating comfort food or drinking a hot beverage or something. Sometimes those help.
  8. Just being hurts.

    1. KnickNak


      I'm sorry Geek, I know the feeling.. It's not pleasant. I wish I could wash it away. Hoping you feel better.

  9. Thanks Woo. SH... it's something that can hold my focus almost all the time. I can pay attention to that to the exclusion of most other things. It's also a way to validate my feelings, if that makes sense. That might not be the right word. It's like... a real/good/true reason for being upset or crying or something. I grew up getting attention and empathy for physical hurts but berated for emotional ones or things which were viewed to be something I could control/prevent (like, if you're lonely "just" go out and make friends), and I think this is a manifestation of that. I dunno if that makes sense. And it's a way to punish myself for feeling ways I "shouldn't."
  10. I don't want to minimize your depression. It's serious, and upsetting and your feelings and concerns are valid. Treatment resistant depression is a term without a fully agreed upon definition, some sources say you have to try only 2 anti-depressants, others say 4. Some argue you need to try augmenting with something like lithium or Abilify. Looking at your signature, you may well already meet these "criteria". I look at the term as validation, really. It's an acknowledgement that I've put a lot of time and effort (and money) into trying to treat my illness to little or no avail. I viewed the original diagnosis the same way - acknowledgement that I have severe mood episodes outside the realm of "normal". Do you have a tdoc and/or friends or other support network you can reach out to when you're feeling so low? It sucks to be alone then.
  11. I have a hard time after therapy too. I need time to come out of it and then time to process the session. I take a long/late lunch for my therapy appointments. I prefer to have them later in the day. I would like to get things set up so I don't have to go back to work afterwards, because it's just pointless - I don't get much work done. I used to have evening appointments with a different tdoc, which was better in some ways, but I found I was often wound too tight to go to bed right when I got home, I still needed time to come down. Journaling helps some, with memory and so on of the session. Sometimes it makes it harder to come back to myself though, if that makes sense. I don't really have tips or suggestions, just empathy.
  12. You can be depressed and still have good days or good times. You can be depressed and still have periods of happiness. You can be depressed and still genuinely smile and laugh. As my therapist says, you're depressed - not dead. Unfortunately, pretty depressed is "normal" for me. I have better moments and short periods. Spending time with people helps me not drown in my depression. That combined with a really good mask means it's hard to get people to believe me when I try to explain how bad things are. I don't spend much time in a state that isn't clouded by pain and unhappiness.
  13. There are people who I know my death would hurt. Not many, but I don't want to hurt them. So far that's been enough. One day the pain will be too deep and my permanent relief will be worth their short term suffering. Also, my dog. He makes me smile every day. Sometimes I think he'd be happier with others though.
  14. Tammy's got it right. Thanks, mods, for all the work you've done and continue to do, both on the boards and on chat. This site makes a big difference in my life, through the boards, the blogs and chat and your work is no small part of that. While I will miss chat, I totally understand and appreciate your reasons for taking it down. Chat culture has been struggling for a while, and the recent loss of pod really did not help. As you can see, chat is an important feature for many members of this site. I hope the you will bring discussion/brainstorming to the boards if you encounter barriers to re-introducing a chatroom in the future.