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About Geek

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    living better through chemistry

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  1. It’s not too late! I would be happy to share templates that you can put your own history in. Even incomplete records can be very beneficial, especially the timeline style for looking at cocktails. This is something that can be done in bits and pieces, you certainly needn’t do it all in one sitting. The benefits are huge and once you’ve started it, maintaining it is a cinch.
  2. I have two documents to track my treatment history. I detailed them in this post from the spring. One is simply a list of meds organized by function/class. Each med I note the dates I took it, the maximum dose I took, who prescribed it and what my thoughts were on it, including why I stopped. At the top of the document is a list of my current meds with the prescriber, dose and date I started taking them. I also keep track of when I have been in hospital, which hospital I was at and my overall feelings about each stay (to reference next time I have to choose somewhere to go IP). I have a second document that is a timeline showing all the meds I've got records on and my hospitalizations and other treatments (TMS, ECT, ketamine), so I can see what the cocktails looked like with each med. These documents are stored on my computer harddrive, which is regularly backed up to a separate external drive. I don't keep them "in the cloud" (e.g. doing them in Google Docs) because I have privacy concerns about just handing Google my health history.
  3. Your med cocktail

    So you think people who take more than one or two meds are attention-seeking? Maybe even malingering? Why can't it just be that brain chemistry is a weird thing that we don't fully understand?
  4. I tend to find it easier to know if they're *not* the right fit than if it is. That said, go with your gut. If you can't feel safe enough to be a little vulnerable, then it's going to be hard to get anywhere.
  5. Yeah, I get that line sometimes too. Not from my regular team these days, but from people I would see in crisis (e.g. while IP). I never leave the house without washing my hair and putting on presentable clothing.
  6. I have a friend offering me access to psilocybin mushrooms. He thinks I should try a micro dose as a treatment for depression. If it works, I could grow my own. Way cheaper than rx meds or ketamine. I've tried a lot of meds, TMS and ECT. I tried ketamine and by shots it doesn't do anything, but when I got it by IV it made a huge difference. It's not financially feasible, however. Anyone have experience with psilocybin or other psychedelics with the specific intent of treating depression? I'm not interested in the high.
  7. Thank you Cheese. hugs. I saw pdoc today. She thinks that I'm doing a smidge better too. Basically said everything you did. She's worried about the suicidal thoughts and how calm they are. In some ways it's good they're not the desperate kind of really urgent thoughts, but in other ways it's worse.
  8. Tdoc says to try to focus on this moment now, not worry about stuff to come or times past. Easier said than done. At work the other day I offered to get more training in the coming months, to be a site expert on some of our software... and at the same time, part of me was confused. Why would I make that offer? I won't be here. Not that I have a specific plan. The nonchalance of that thought was mildly surprising.
  9. Urgent Care or ER?

    Thanks for your response @Wooster, it's good to know that others have been treated okay at an urgent care.
  10. These are the questions I asked in a recent job interview. I got the job, and they were very impressed in particular at my asking the last one. They said no one had asked it before. It gave me a good chance to sell my strengths again. 1. What will my first day or week look like – how will it be the same or different after a year? 2. How much overtime do typical employees in this position do? 3. What do you see as the biggest challenges of working here and how can I overcome them? 4. What is your vision for where the department will be in 3-5 years? 5. How can I best help you and the team succeed?
  11. We put my family's dog down yesterday. I keep replaying walking out of that cool room and leaving his body cuddled in a blanket on the table. We left him alone. It was the definition of heart-wrenching. ...and yet, I keep thinking how no one will ever give me a pink IV to take away my pain and quietly stop my breath. That makes me almost as sad. I'm supposed to be working on building my social circle. I know that my friends now would be hurt if I died. But, just like I will with Babe, they will get over it. The pain will fade. If my goal were to kill myself and hurt the fewest possible people, now would be the time. I saw tdoc today. I told her all of what happened yesterday. I told her it makes me want even more to be gone because I could see Now I have a week before I'll see her again. Or anyone, really. What is the point of life? Not just life in general, but my life? I have a head and chest cold, which just makes it all the worse tonight.
  12. Cheese, I think you're okay to continue your other AAPs while you titrate up on this. 25mg is such a low dose as to be almost negligible. Your pdoc appears to be doing a cross-taper so that you don't lose it even more by coming off stuff that might be helping some (albeit not enough) before the clozapine kicks in.
  13. Mostly.... no. Not really. But if pushed, I know I matter to a few people from here, and to my friend J who lives far away. J, however, has given me permission to go. He says he understands and wouldn't be angry with me for ending my life. (My tdoc and pdoc were properly horrified when he said that this spring). Oh. I do matter to my dog. He gets rather pathetic and pouty when I'm away. It's not enough, though, to take away the pain you talk about.
  14. My depression feels like a 500lb weight on my back. If you have 5 or 10lb weight on your back, you slow down but for the most part you can still function. Increase that to 50lb and you slow even more, probably start choosing to do different things and maybe skip some tasks. At 100lb it starts getting hard to breathe or do more than the bare minimum. When the weight is 500lb, you can't move, can't roll over. It hurts to breathe. It hurts just to be.
  15. @Blahblah, IV ketamine is the only thing to have done more than touch my depression. It was magical. I was in a study and got a long infusion... I didn’t realize how much depression clouds my thinking. My depression is clearly a combination of biological and situational, but after receiving ketamine by IV I could see it was possible to work on the situational aspects. I got IM ketamine (shots) too. That didn’t do squat. I seem to need the greater bioavailability from the IV infusion. I haven’t tried the intranasal Ketamine. I haven’t gotten regular infusions from a private clinic because of the prohibitive cost and time commitment from not just me but someone else to drive me to/from those appointments.