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About Geek

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    living better through chemistry

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  1. I try to remember that even "unproductive" sessions build the relationship, build rapport with my tdoc. That makes it easier to have hard conversations with her later. It helps her learn more about me in ways that might help her help me later.
  2. It's a gorgeous day. 80*F, sunny, with a slight breeze. I took my dog to the dog park. We don't go to play with other dogs. He likes other dogs, but he'd rather obsessively chase the ball. When he gets too hot from that, he jumps in the pool and basks there until he cools off, then comes back and I throw the ball again. Other dogs come to play with dogs. He politely ignores them, unless they try to take his ball (and it is his ball, not a random park tennis ball). Then he jumps on it possessively or lightly growls to them. If they take it anyway, he wanders after them waiting for them to tire and put down his toy. He won't reward a dog taking his ball by chasing that dog. Today we were berated by a 9 month old cattle dog mix that desperately wanted to play chase. My dog put up with this puppy. I put up with the puppy. I had to grab the puppy by the collar to take the ball back many times. We followed the puppy all over the park at one point when he took our ball. Finally the puppy got distracted by other dogs and we could play fetch again. I wanted to sit in the sun and just throw the ball endlessly. That's all my dog wanted too. The puppy kept coming back though. Kept trying to take the ball even right out from my dog's mouth. I let my dog growl at the puppy (how else will it learn?). Eventually my dog had enough and barked and snapped at the puppy. Even though he was never going to hurt it, he was just telling it to go away, I can't have my dog thinking it's okay to do that. It's too easy for barking and snapping to escalate into a fight. So we left. I had to block the puppy from coming out the gate with us. It's owner said thank you. I don't know if it was thank you for keeping the puppy in the park (um, duh. I don't want your puppy) or thank you for leaving, but either way it made me mad. My dog was behaving fine. We were off on our own, not with the crowd of people, and this puppy kept pestering us. The owner watched and did nothing to get our ball back (even though it's orange and blue and rubber, clearly not a park tennis ball) when his dog took it away from us, did nothing to distract or redirect his dog from clearly bad behaviour, and had the gall to thank me for leaving. I shouldn't have had to leave, the puppy and his owner should have left. By letting his dog treat others like that and not interrupting, redirecting, etc. he's saying it's okay. My dog is very well trained, very well behaved, and the fact that he barked and snapped at the puppy means he'd been pushed to his limit by this dog and had run out of patience. All we wanted to do was play ball by ourselves. I wasn't even trying to interact with the other people, just quietly throwing the ball for my dog away from the others. People who don't actively supervise their dogs suck. People who let their dogs bully and pester and berate my dog suck. People who thank me for leaving the park to prevent a fight being started by their dog suck.
  3. Has anyone here tried Mirapex for its antidepressant qualities? It's a dopamine agonist that's FDA approved for treating restless leg syndrome and parkinson disorders, but my pdoc says it has shown promise as an antidepressant. I started it last night at a truly miniscule dose (0.125mg), pdoc is hoping it will help with my sleep (even at 45mg of Remeron, I struggle to stay asleep at night, often waking 2-3 times for 30+ minutes). I'm skeptical, and concerned that she seems to have hit the point of just throwing anything and everything into my cocktail. On the upside, a cursory look at google results suggests that nausea is a common side effect of Mirapex, and while it is one I am usually susceptible to I haven't had it so far. Admittedly, I've only had one tiny dose.
  4. For what it's worth, I had bilateral carpal tunnel release surgery about 14 or 15 years ago and it was the best choice I ever made. No more pain, the recovery was easy (even though they did both hands at the same time), and now I just have very minor scars that you have to look for to see because they blend into the lines in my hands.
  5. Cheese, could you do something like leave a comment on the photo saying it looks like they had a blast, and you hope next time you can come too? It really sucks to be excluded though.
  6. I am a mechanical engineer, so not a blue collar worker myself, but I work closely with the guys on the shop floor. I learn so much from them!! I think I have earned their respect because I treat them like equals and tell them that we are a team. They are just as important to the company as I am. I can make all the drawings I want, but without the fabricators, welders and assemblers to actually make the drawings real, I am nothing. I love it when they come to me and ask questions about my drawings, ask for reasons behind the methods I use, and even better, teach me why it might be easier/better for them to do it a different way. I can't always say yes, but when I can, I do. I have made a point of getting to know the guys in the shop and now they feel comfortable coming to me asking questions. I've never shot anyone down for asking a question or making a suggestion and they know it and they tell the new guys. I would love to learn to weld. It's on my bucket list. It would help me be better at my job and it would just be cool. Go you, San. Thanks for all your hard work.
  7. How is it only Tuesday?

  8. Thank you, Woo, for your kind words and affirmations. The evening continued on in much the same manner. I managed to heat up a reasonable dinner of leftovers. I haven't self-harmed yet. I'm going to bed now in the hopes that sleep will improve things (though I doubt it will). I see my tdoc tomorrow if I can make it through most of the work day first. I expect it will be the kind of day where I'm present but not terribly productive. Oh well.
  9. This (long) weekend, but today especially, has been constantly choosing a) to be alive and b) not to self harm. Two choices which are proving really hard to make and keep making. I just realized/remembered that the weekend is nearly over and tomorrow I have to go back to work, and now I'm panicking and having trouble breathing. Work is so hard. I can't. Why doesn't it get better? I've been fighting depression for so long. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle. I hate that I'm whining and can't just get through this on my own with a stiff upper lip or something. It makes me feel even more weak. I don't know what I want or need or what would help (aside from some kind of "permission" to stop making the hard decisions, and I know no one will give me that). I don't know why I'm posting here.
  10. I don't have a SZ(A) dx... I "just" have depression and anxiety and I worry about people learning that I'm mentally ill. I took 3 months off from work last summer and worked part-time for another 3 months to get ECT for my depression. Even with people knowing I've got depression, I don't want them to know I've had ECT. I suppose I have issues being vulnerable. A (now former) coworker started experiencing delusions at work and quit because of a mistaken belief he'd been taken advantage of by a couple of the guys we work with. My coworkers and boss don't take any of his work seriously now, they write it off because "that guy was crazy" even though until the last week or so he was here he was fine. It makes me paranoid that they'll do the same to me if they learn about my crazy. So my work knows I am chronically ill because of the time I took off last summer and I have two regular "doctor appointments" at lunch every week (pdoc and tdoc). I get crap for my "vacation" last summer and because I don't work as much OT as they'd like, but they stay on the right side of the law and don't ask exactly what's wrong. I think things would only be worse if they knew I'm depressed and therefore had any inkling of how I feel or think about myself (a fear which is supported by a couple of friends who used to work for my company who now know that I had ECT and that it didn't work so I'm still struggling).
  11. I, too, get frustrated at trying to explain how much something hurts. I really like @Gearhead's scale. The only thing I would throw in is that sometimes the deciding factor for me is time. How long has something been hurting, not just how bad, you know? Like, the feeling of biting the inside of your cheek where it was already swollen from doing that again... hurts a lot, but not worth seeing a doctor. Because the pain doesn't last, it's momentary. If something hurts that bad and keeps hurting that bad, I would be seeing a doctor more quickly.
  12. Would it help to do some of your studying in public? Then you have people around and the distractions that brings. Maybe go to a coffee shop for a couple hours in the afternoon.
  13. I always took Rexulti in the morning. I don't sleep well without medication and it didn't seem to have any significant impact on that, in either direction. I still needed a sleep aid (or a high dose of imipramine), but no more so than without the Rexulti.
  14. I took it for depression. Less akathesia than Abilify, I didn't need Cogentin with it. I took it at 2mg/day for about a year, it had minor stabilizing effects. No withdrawal symptoms when I missed a dose or when I stopped taking it to try Vraylar.
  15. What dose are you taking? Sometimes these types of side effects go away at higher doses (counter-intuitive, I know). Also, you may find if you can give it a little longer that as your body continues to acclimate to it the fatigue will go away. Try to give it a longer shot, if you can. I take 3mg/day of Vraylar and have not had noticeable fatigue. I take it in the morning, but you'll notice from my sig that I take a stimulant and I augment that with a buttload of caffeine on work days. When I started Vraylar I was simultaneously reducing a med that does give me significant fatigue (imipramine), so I can't tell you if I had that side effect and it just went away. If it did, it happened fairly quickly for me (within 1-2 weeks).