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About Mr_Turtle

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    Knitting, reading, science, cute animals.

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  1. I get that exact same thing, especially if I've spent too long being sociable. I call it stress high, because it doesn't feel like regular anxiety - it is more like excitement. One of my friends gets it too - she apologised for it happening the last time we met, because she also thought she was the only one it ever happens to. I'm also finding it impossible to get a sensible response from mental health services or my parents. I've always found the most excruciating part is when a parent/doctor FINALLY seems to get it and you get your hopes up...only to be let down. I can't promise your mum will ever stop doing those things, or that it will ever stop hurting, but you will get better at coping with it. Don't be shy about talking through some of this stuff with people who have their own problems. They often make better listeners, and they might also find it easier to open up to you if they know you've got stuff going on.Two of my closest friends also have longstanding mental health issues and have been through the medication/therapist carousel - we take turns to vent, we feel better, and then we eat delicious foods.
  2. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this at such a young age. That's awful. I think with death and other traumas it's normal to swing between what you 'should' feel (very sad) and a kind of hysterical energy. This happened to me and a friend, when one of our mutual friends died - one minute we were sobbing, one minute we were laughing so hard, and then just numb for a while. A horrible rollercoaster. Maybe try not to make any major decisions before your emotions and judgement have stabilised a bit. It might take several weeks, or months. Just try to eat and sleep as normally as you can, and keep talking to the people around you. One of my friends lost her parents unexpectedly at the same age as you. Her grief has gone through many different phases over time, and occasionally it still surfaces at unexpected moments. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be fine too soon, especially for the sake of those around you. Take your time.
  3. I bought an actual rocking chair last week for my house. Sooooo gooooood. And I've decided it counts as low-level exercise too. If you rock vigorously for an hour or two while watching Netflix you do feel a noticeable mild endorphin buzz, like yoga. Rocking chairs for all - on prescription!
  4. I can totally relate to this! I'm currently still too messed up to consider a proper relationship, but some sex would be great. Trouble is, I've never had the confidence to pick up randos and I'm terrified of being alone with someone because of what my exes did to me. I'm currently toying with the idea of just going to some swingers club and getting it over with, but not sure if that's weird or not. I feel like it's ok but it would be super awkward if there was no-one there I liked the look of :). And I also made it awkward with an old friend I'd had a crush on forever last summer. We were dancing and then he leaned in...and I had a massive panic attack and had to go and hide, and it's been weird ever since. Not sure if we're even still friends and I don't like to ask. It's horrible to feel like such a weirdo. I'm in my 30s, so I think this is something that probably doesn't get better with age. It sounds like you're doing the best you can given the circumstances, so please don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe this was a necessary stepping stone and next time you're in bed with someone it'll go much more smoothly because you had this 'practice'? If he's getting awkward about sex stuff, do you think it would work if you texted him something a bit jokey like 'hey friend let's meet up and go to the cinema...and this time I promise I won't put the moves on you"?
  5. Hi nervousbat, thanks for commenting. I would strongly disagree with you about it counting as abuse, and I definitely want to keep her in my life. I think it falls within the usual level of dysfunction you get in a lot of families, and we all contributed to creating this dynamic. But you're right that I need to stand up for myself more! There are quite a few people in my life who expect me to accept their selfish/thoughtless/mean behaviour towards me and I'm making some good progress (albeit slowly) in changing that dynamic. It's just such a difficult pattern to break once it's really established. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. What a horrible thing for her to say over something so trivial! Totally unacceptable. Have you spoken to any of them since?
  6. I've had something similar a few times. At first it would be a creepy, wired feeling in the late evening. Then it would develop into being convinced there was a malicious presence in the room/house with me. Then a few times it has gotten really bad and I can see monsters in the room with me, and if I close my eyes I can still terrifying visions and hear loud crashes. It would keep me awake until 5am and then once it was light I might be able to sleep for 2-3 hours, or sometimes nap a little during the day. The sleep deprivation was a vicious cycle and after a couple of months I was in a real mess and never really felt fully awake or asleep - it was horrible! I couldn't eat because it was so stressful and the doctor thought I had an ulcer (but it wasn't confirmed by endoscopy). If it's still happening in a couple of weeks then definitely get your doctor involved, before the sleep deprivation gets worse. But I've had a few times where it's cleared up by itself with a bit of self-care after about 4 days, so you might be lucky. These things helped me: - Sleeping tablets (amitriptyline). I was like a zombie the next day, but when it got to the point of needing sleep at any cost (after several months) they were fantastic. - Listening to music or watching TV while I fell asleep, to give my mind something to be distracted by. - Sleeping in a different house, with more people around. Especially sleeping in the same room/bed as someone else. - Talking or singing to the presence, to pacify it. Last time this happened to me (relatively mildly) I couldn't go up the stairs to bed because the presence wouldn't let me use the stairs, but when I sang for it and included it in what I was doing it chilled out just enough that I managed to sneak up. I had to keep the lights on all night which wasn't ideal, but I did manage to get some sleep. Except for when it burst into the room at 4am and scared the bejeezus out of me.
  7. Anything that makes me feel clean (shower, deodorant, change clothes, even just chewing gum helps). Hot drinks and warm clothes. Doing something nice for someone else. Hugging the cats. Going for a walk, especially if it's a cold day. Putting on makeup, perfume and jewellery. Food and beer.
  8. - Stuck a sewing pin right into my arm and cut open part of my leg (separate occasions) because I 'wanted to see what was in there'. - Spent a lot of time crying uncontrollably behind pieces of equipment at work, for serious legitimate reasons such as 'there are no spiders in this country and that's weird', or 'I can't tell whether the guy I'm supervising is really Anakin Skywalker but I don't feel like I can ask him to check', or 'they're trying to poison me again'. For the record, there were so spiders in that country, he wasn't, and I was having a bad reaction to green tea. - Made a freakshow of myself on a work trip. I thought I was a monster so I ran about roaring at people, then randomly ran off home. They laughed because they thought I was messing about, but I was completely out of control. - Had a long conversation with a fish in a French aquarium. It had some really important messages for me. - Spent a whole day whispering to this guy at work because I thought he was a hallucination, but he was actually there. I told him why I was whispering too, but he assumed it was a weird joke. - Got lost on my own road, with a map. Got very distressed about it and had to sit down for 15 minutes. Got lost in various other places I went every day. Then went somewhere new abroad and decided not to take a map because I was 'better than that' and just strode off in any old direction until I found what I was looking for (somehow it worked!). - Spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom at work because I needed time to think about my Important World-Changing Ideas and the book I was going to write about proof about life after death. And all the other world-changing books, there have been many. This happens even during weaker hypomania. - Tried to teach myself the cancan between 1am-3am every night for a fortnight and obsessively watched old cancan footage. Not sure how I didn't hurt myself, since I'm very uncoordinated. - Decided to climb a countryside hill by myself in the pitch dark at in a different country 2am without telling anyone where I was going. A man followed me so I hid behind a rock, doubled back and ran like the clappers until I was safely back in civilisation. I never told anyone about this because I'm ashamed of how much unnecessary danger I put myself in, but at the time I felt like I'd explode if I didn't do it and that I was somehow invincible. - All sorts of smaller incidents involving talking a lot of garbage, communing with nature, whipping some of my clothes off in public, being everyone's new best friend, dancing without music in odd places (supermarket/lab/fountains), and running around outside laughing with no shoes or jumper even in freezing rain because I was 'impervious to weather'. And still the doctor I saw before Christmas told me it was 'just anxiety'.
  9. I know these feelings very well. I still get days where my brain suddenly goes "hey did you know that actually everything's fine and no bad stuff ever happened to you?" and for a while it's really comforting to feel like that - it's a seductive lie. What helped me was 1) making a police report, 2) retelling the story again and again either to myself, on this forum, or to people I know, 3) cutting off all contact. You owe him nothing. He hasn't changed. As long as you're still on the hook he'll keep trying to drag you back into his mess of an existence. If you feel better when you help him out then it's your right to do so (for your own benefit, not his), but it doesn't sound like that is the case. I certainly wouldn't stay involved 'just in case' you feel regret after he dies. If you remember sexual stuff as part of the abuse then you remember it. It doesn't matter what kind of person he portrayed himself as or how much people around you try to trivialise the effects on your health/wellbeing - memories are memories. If he is STILL doing shit like exposing himself to you and passing it off as 'just looking at an insect bite, honest...' then that is beyond worrying. Seriously, that made my blood run cold that he did that and it gave you deja vu. Keep the kids away from him, for sure.
  10. I recently lost my job due to mental illness for the second time. I had high hopes for a career in scientific research but over the years I've had to lower my expectations again, and again, and again. Now I've hit the bottom and it's been a horrible shock to realise that I can't even get an entry-level job because now I'm over-qualified. I have no idea what I'm going to do in terms of career and that scares the pants off me. At the moment I'm working occasional shifts in a shop but it doesn't bring in any money. I tried working for myself and it went well for about two weeks before it epically failed - it was harder than working in a job. I was scared something like this might happen so I bought a house while I was still employed that has spare bedrooms. I took in two lodgers and they're paying my way at the moment. I'm actively applying for jobs at the moment so hopefully I'll be back in the game soon, since the current situation is far from ideal. Don't suppose you have a spare room that you could let out temporarily? When I started my last full-time job I wasn't doing so great in retrospect, but the process of moving house and starting a new job caused me so much anxiety that it sort of counteracted the depression and kept me afloat for a good few months. And then it all fell apart, but left me in a better position than I would have been otherwise. Not saying it's something to aim for necessarily, just that life takes some bizarre twists and turns. I also thought I was out of meds to try and was angry when they told me to try Cymbalta/duloxetine, since Effexor/venlafaxine and Zoloft/sertraline were terrible before. But it has really hit the nail on the head - I feel much better than I ever dared hope. Can't believe it. I know it's hard to stay optimistic when you're scared, but you really never know whether the next step is going to be the right one.
  11. I get nonsense chatter and sometimes unearthly music too, and if it's started happening a lot then it's a really useful early warning signal that I need to look after myself better. By itself I don't worry about it, but when it develops into recognisable words/sentences or I have the sense of who the voice belongs to then that means there's a problem. How are you feeling apart from the chatter? Mood-wise and in terms of anything like paranoia. Also I don't know whether this applies to you, but sometimes external noises (especially white noise stuff like bad weather or something flapping in the wind outside) can sometimes make the chatter worse for me. If you put some music on, does that help at all? Just an idea. I'm feeling well at the moment but still I had to change which YouTube rain sounds tape I was listening to because the one I had chosen was producing 'evil' nonsense chatter and it was scaring me so much I couldn't sleep
  12. None of these are strong enough to replace medication or fix an episode once it's properly taken hold, but I do find they are powerful for maintaining my mood once I've achieved a bit of equilibrium. - White noise (usually rain), muscle relaxation exercises and vanilla body spray when I go to bed. Even if I'm totally wired and bordering on hypomanic the routine is enough to overcome the racing thoughts and trick me to sleep. - Hypnotherapy. I had already had very poor results from doing Youtube hypnotherapy tapes, but for whatever reason it worked AMAZINGLY well when I tried it in-person. It somehow switched all the bad stuff off and I was walking around for days in a lovely bubble of feeling normal and nice. It's about the same price as therapy and sometimes they send you an MP3 of the session to use at home. - Breaking my routine in some pleasant way. For example buying a food treat (exotic fruit/craft beer/fancy chocolate), or buying myself something nice from a thrift shop, or walking somewhere new during my lunch break to explore the local area. It seems to short-circuit downwards mood spirals, and is very useful on really bad days where realistically I don't have the energy to go running or socialise. Very occasionally I even grab a new book and read it alone in the pub because the change of physical and mental scenery has a resetting effect, although it's best to be careful around alcohol.
  13. I find I can manage my moods much more effectively if I have a clear idea of what is going on that day, and it does get a little complicated. The depression and anxiety parts each get better or worse in a relatively simple way (not necessarily in sync though). But there are also times where I feel completely numb or have a 'stress high', which is often followed by a day of 'stress paralysis' or an extreme crash in mood, so I need to make sure I have food/water/blankets ready. And if I feel SO MUCH BETTER YEAH BEST FEELING EVER SO GREAT then I need to get an early night and avoid alcohol like the plague for a couple of days, until it passes. So it's not really over-analysing, it's just like taking a meter reading so I know what I need to do about it to stay healthy. Most of the words I use to describe my mental health symptoms are non-scientific words or metaphors, which is weird because I've worked on clinical trials so I know all the proper words for the various adverse events. It just feels weird to use them about myself.
  14. Thanks mikrw! After trying multiple medications that made things worse it has been a huge relief to hit on something that seems to do its job. I'm in the UK so I'm on generic duloxetine (just called it Cymbalta for the purposes of the boards) and don't have to worry about insurance or paying for prescriptions. Unfortunately they would never give me any of those intermediate doses - it's complicated enough just to get a simple refill of what I've already been prescribed in time before the packet runs out! I actually gave a Christmas card to my pharmacy yesterday because they've sorted out so many messes my doctor(s) have made over the past year. It's been a nightmare.