xXSombraXx

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About xXSombraXx

  • Rank
    Member
  • Birthday 11/06/90

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  • Gender
    female
  • Location
    West Midlands, England
  • Interests
    Video Gaming, Pokemon, Sonic the hedgehog, Retro, Animals, Crafts, Music, Hats, Beanie Babies

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  1. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, I too feel the prolonged emptiness and numbness and nothing seems to make it go away. I have pockets of hyperness muddled within that where I want to do EVERYTHING and get dead excited over little things. I haven't yet found a way to cope with the vast emptiness when it starts, but my therapist suggested making small changes that might ease stress such as making a meal plan instead of getting food on the fly. I don't know if stress is a factor for you, but I thought I'd share what she said just in case
  2. Jobcentre Work focused interview

    I figured i'd blog about my experience today in case it helps other people in the UK. I was called in to a work focused interview for partners today because my partner claims income support for both of us. Apparently the fact that i claim disability doesn't mean a thing to DWP and they drag everyone in regardless of their mental state. The letter we had was pretty threatening and pointing out that attendance is mandatory and we could get sanctioned on our benefit if i didn't go. I mean, for a person with severe anxiety and mood problems it was a massive hurdle for me to climb over. Thankfully my partner and my care coordinator attended with me, so if you get called in you can bring people with you. I got there and felt like there may as well have been a spotlight on me, i felt so exposed and spaced out whilst waiting. My appointment was supposed to be at 10, and in their infinite wisdom they had called in several couples for the same appointment time with only one guy seeing to us all. So of course that spiked my anxiety even more, and i had to wait longer to be seen. When i was finally seen i sat down and couldn't make eye contact with the guy. He thankfully didn't press that issue and all he did was read from a hand out printed out in front of him. He spoke mostly to my partner and care coordinator. I completely zoned out from the stress and the noise of the room but the jist of it was he talked about different programs the jobcentre offers. I didn't really hav to speak other than giving my name, and the interview was a lot less threatening than the first letter makes it out to be. It was of course pointless for me, and caused me a lot of unnecessary stress. I haven't eaten much today at all, i didn't sleep last night, i was partcularly moody and unstable and eventually i crashed out for four hours. It's just another way to for DWP to bully vulnerable people and force them into uncomfortable situations to then say following the programs is voluntary.
  3. Blank

    I don't know whether this blog entry will make much sense. I'm having a bad dissosciation day today and figured i'd try and find an outlet from the shrouded cave that is my mind today. My brain feels like it's literally parting, i can feel a chasm going through it, it's a vast emptiness. My hearing is dull. I can hear things but they skim over my brain, i don't always acknowledge the sounds even if they're directed at me. This is frustrating when my daughter needs my attention or my partner is talking to me. I space out as i'm typing this, staring at the keys. I've had two cups of coffee to attempt to engage my brain to be productive, but this empty ache in the chasm persists. I think i feel sad, but i'm mostly numb. Like a ghost. I wish i knew what i'm thinking about, but it's just empty and simple. Thoughts that are simple, like a child. Thoughts like, i'm sad or i'm hungry. No depth. No complexity. Phased out. I don't know what to do with myself, i'm lost in the shroud. I'm trying to be normal for my daughter, she's 20 months old. I feel autonomous with her, like a robot. Like my responses are programmed by some maternal force that takes hold. I doubt this blog entry will come to a clean finish, I'm so numb.
  4. There's never a set time for how long it lasts, sometimes it'll be a few days and sometimes weeks. I've just started to return to emotions after about 2 weeks of numbness and now I'm slipping into a depression, but before ive gone from being numb to being hyper. You probably need to give the meds some time to balance out and you'll probably feel more in tune again if that makes sense. Yeah pokemon is a major part of my life I'm a huge collector and play the video games aha
  5. i know all too well how it feels to have a sudden emotional cut off, and then it all comes back again out of nowhere. It might be a small side effect of the meds or it might just be your brains way of self preserving after a period of high emotion. Loving the pichu profile pic btw big pokemon fan myself =)
  6. Mental Health Stigma

    I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year, with a possible bipolar co morbidity and have suffered anxiety and depression since my childhood. I have an intense fear of being alone and have very little confidence in myself. I'm pretty much dependant on my partner, more so now as on the 21st February this year we became parents. A little bit of background, i don't work and haven't done since 2012 after a crappy job had me so stressed i ended up in A&E (Accident & Emergency) after my stomach stopped working and i couldn't eat for days. I met my partner during this time, and we quickly moved in together. He worked full time and made just enough money to support us both, and i am eternally grateful to him for taking on me, my financial baggage and my disorder. Due to my severe anxiety i haven't been able to leave my home without someone with me pretty much since the end of 2012/early 2013. I had started to recover slightly by the summer of 2013, but then i had a miscarriage and flew off the rails. I became pregnant again may last year whilst i was still turbulent, and received very little support from mental health services throughout my pregnancy though for the majority i wasn't *too* bad. The last few weeks of my pregnancy however, were hell. I became increasingly nervous about being left by myself, to the point i was begging and pleading with my partner to not go to work. I even threatened to chain him to something to prevent him from leaving. After a call to a financial advisor within the mental health team we decided it was for the best that he became my full time carer, for the benefit of us both and our impending baby. Financially, we're ok. Socially, not so much. I ended up coming clean to my mom about my partner quitting his job just after giving birth whilst i was high on gas and air. Her reaction was better than i expected, but i also knew i could get away with her not lecturing me there and then considering i had just pushed out another human from my body. It's been almost 8 weeks now though and not everyone knows about it, and that is by choice. My dad doesnt know, and neither does my partners dad, purely because we are worried what reaction they will give. I am also certain that it was a mistake to tell particular friends as i am sure they're commenting about it negatively amongst themselves. So i got to thinking, WHY are we so worried about their reaction? In the eyes of the government i'm classified disabled, i am looked after by a mental health team and have regular visits to the psychiatrist. In health terms, it's no different to someone with a physical disability, the government would class them as disabled, they would have people looking after them, and regular visits to the doctor. If someones partner was to leave work to look after them and they were in a wheelchair or had cancer, no one would bat an eyelid. Yet frankly i'm terrified that people would now be calling us lazy or benefits scroungers. I often have a voice telling me that there isn't anything wrong with me and that i'm just lazy and too stupid to live a proper life, and have to remind this voice that if there was nothing wrong with me i wouldn't have a diagnosis. I'm also terrified that it means i have to explain myself to anyone and everyone, and answer invasive personal questions to pretty much justify why i'm being cared for. Again someone with a physical disability wouldn't have someone ask them "what's wrong with them", yet this is the first question out of some peoples mouths regarding mental health. I'm secretive about my condition with my family, i don't like them knowing how bad it gets because they worry and start asking questions i don't want to answer. To me telling them this decision is like blowing a great big hole through that secretive safety net i've created. The worst is when i'm having a good day and feel pretty much fine, on those days if i'm out with my partner and our daughter during normal working hours i feel literally every eye passing us and judging us. I actually start to feel guilty about having a good day, and most of the time i'm too anxious to go outside at all for fear of being judged and stared at. It just goes to show that even with more education of mental health the stigma is still very much alive and affecting sufferers.
  7. I've always thought rapid mood swings were associated with BPD so that's a reason why I'm so pissed off with this psychiatrist, he's left me feeling utterly confused and obsessing over my true diagnosis. I tend to have rapid mood fluctuations on top of what I call a baseline mood, so if I have a depressed baseline mood with fluctuations from the BPD ill have a period of say a month where the majority of the time I'll not want to do anything, not care about what I'm eating or not eating and just generally be ghost like, but in between I'll have random days where I'm super active and rapidly talking. I'll just always revert back to the depressed mood. I find I have long periods of introversion and extroversion, the introvert side always assosciated with my depression. Same goes for creativity, I'll be all creative for months and suddenly it'll disappear, and also true for obsessive calorie counting versus not caring at all.
  8. Thank you, I'm glad you understand my frustration! And that's what I was thinking, as soon as I read that cyclothymia doesn't include psychotic symptoms it hit a nerve that I'm yet again not being listened to! I also consider my moods to be too extreme for that criteria also, ill literally go from being completely unresponsive to anything or depressed and self harming to bouncing off the walls and talking non stop within 24 hours! Ugh gotta wait 2 months to question him too! I'll probably take it up with my support worker in the meantime because this is gonna keep going round in my head!
  9. Ok so I asked my psychiatrist what my official diagnosis is on paper because I got sick of various "professionals" throwing labels out there (including BPD, bipolar, anxiety, depression and schizophrenia) and not actually telling me an up-to-date definite diagnosis. He told me BPD is a sure thing, but he thinks there's something going on on top of that because of how fast my mood changes (but I thought that was a symptom of BPD anyway?) he threw out there that he's looking at cyclothymia, which has resulted in me obsessively researching it and frustrating me as I don't agree with it! I have hallucinations and delusions (which the psych knows about) which aren't present in cyclothymia! So I'm utterly confused and irritated. I have issues trusting people as it is and i can't deal with thinking that even the top consultant psychiatrist doesn't even know how to do his job >.<
  10. Loneliness

    Right now i feel like i could be the only person in the world. Even though i have my partner whom i love and adore (but have pushed away because of my foul mood), i just cant stop this constant ache in my very being. I'm stuck in a catch-22 of paranoia, suspicion, loneliness and heartache. I have no friends, but i wont let anyone in. I'm suspicious of those who are anywhere near close to me, and i don't feel like i'm important in anyones lives. It's a far cry from the pictures of the past, that show me dressed up in whatever i felt like wearing that day surrounded by a bunch of mates. I couldve only met some of those people on the same day and i'd be like YOU'RE MY FRIEND NOW LET'S HAVE A PICTURE TOGETHER! Now i can't bear the thought of leaving my front door alone. I'm scared of everything. I hate people. I have no idea what to say in social situations. Most people piss me off just by existing. But i miss being able to randomly go out and meet new people. I miss having that confidence. I miss having friends. But what am i supposed to do? I feel like the lonely kid that hangs around the swingset quietly hating everyone but hoping that someone will say hi. I am that lonely child.
  11. For Her

    My sister. My Best friend. MY FUCKING ENEMY. FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO HANG OFF HAVE YOU? The person who said would always be there for me? The person who's like "YEAH WE'LL BE BEST FRIENDS 4EVAAAAA" BULL SHIT Since the start of this year all you've done is ignore me! I turn up to the pub and you look FUCKING DISAPPOINTED to see my existence. OH SORRY, DID I STEP IN TO YOUR PERFECT FUCKING WORLD? What the fuck happened to you? We used to be there for each other! What, so you got discharged from the psych, so that makes you 100% ok? Seriously? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Is that why when you've had a drink you decide to become little miss mercurial? Who was there when every shit thing happened to you? ME Who was there when you had a crazy stalker friend? ME Who was there when you were being abused? ME! Now it's as if i don't exist! Why can't i just cancel you out of my life like i do with every other asshole? Why can't i just shut you out, why do i let myself get so bothered when i see my latest replacement. You're a bad person. YOU SHOULD BE COMMITTED. YEAH I SAID IT YOU PSYCHO FUCKING BITCH. I'm sick of you fucking with my head. Why would you change? You say i'm a catalyst to your actions, look around love, it doesn't matter whether i'm there or not, PEOPLE STILL HATE YOU. THAT'S BECAUSE OF YOU! NOT ME! And even so i just want US to be fucking normal. i just want us to be best friends and sisters, when we'd share everything. I did fuck all wrong and you shut me out, i try to re connect and you push me away, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??? BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  12. For Me

    You. You push people away. Selfish. Difficult. Can't control yourself. You abuse anything to stop feeling, but why? Because the emotions are too strong? Or because you're a coward? You're so paranoid that everyone will leave you, and no one will want you around, but you don't exactly help your own cause. You push perfectly good people to being that angry with you that they spit venom at you. You turn the nicest people in the world, the people that love you most in the world, into monsters. Abused. Depressed. Anxious. Borderline? These are the labels that make you feel worthless. These are the labels that you can't shake off. Your short term therapist is right, you don;t give yourself enough credit for your cognitive ability, but how can you when you're a different person in that room? You become self reflective and understanding for one hour every two weeks. The rest of that time you have no clue, you respond automatically, and usually negatively, to the situation at hand. SERIOUSLY WHO GIVES A FUCK IF HE DIDNT KNOW THAT A STUPID BISCUIT BOX WAS SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO KEEP? Apparently you do. Apparently because he made one mistake you had to unleash your wrath. Over a biscuit box. And then you WONDER WHY people get so angry with you! Catalyst. Idiot. Bitch. Psycho. FUCK OFF. These are the things that have been said to you. These are the things that have broken your heart, the things you dont know how to process. "I'd like to see someone else put up with you" This was the one straw. This statement, this is what broke you. But then it made you think, made you think how you could make such a pure soul spit that kind of venom. It forced you to reflect, to feel what you've made everyone else feel. And here we come to the lack of self control. Oh you're so good at controlling everyone else, but what about yourself? You can recognise and understand that you've been difficult, and you want to change it. You want to be a better person. BUT THEN HELLO NARCISSISM. Hi there ego, hello stubbornness. All of these parts of your brain that say, hold on just a minute, you arent to blame here! Fuck everyone. It's everyone else that's wrong. You poor hard done to soul, people should be more understanding. Well yes they should. but you should also stop being a total fucktard. 25/03/2014 01:48am
  13. The only tolerance skill I've really adapted is to listen to loud music in my earphones and tap to the beat, but that's usually only in certain situations, when my anxiety is at a high level but not likely to escalate into a panic attack you know? Sometime the space between my anxiety rising and having a panic attack is literally just minutes
  14. I read it on sign up =) not a fan of nipple clamps myself though