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xmo

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About xmo

  • Rank
    Member
  • Birthday February 16

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  • Gender
    male
  • Location
    California

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  1. I am suddenly overcome with sadness which has no known cause. I simply want to cry - but for no reason.

  2. I get that. About eight years ago or so I spent so much time just writing my predictions of the future on my old computer (long before it died). I justified it by telling myself these predictions were based on patterns I had observed in the past and present but, seriously, who was I kidding? Inside I felt I was destined to be the next Nostradamus for the modern day. Other than that, I don't rend to think I have super powers. At least, not that I can remember. I just think I have super creativity or whatever.
  3. What was your happy moment today?

    I went to see my nephew's school Christmas play. He's in JK. 4 y/o. He was a reindeer. (Well, yesterday. Today is barely starting.)
  4. What Did You Accomplish Today?

    I finished making my grandma's Christmas present. I bought a family photo collage frame and put some old family pictures in it. The pictures were taken 2 years ago and she never got them. So I managed to get them from my cousin and put them in the collage. I also bought the ingredients for mimosas for a surprise "champagne brunch" my sister and I are gonna throw our parents on Christmas. Since we're doing the big, extended family thing Christmas eve, Christmas morning we're gonna have them relax and drink mimosas while eating food my sister brings. Okay, so technically that was yesterday, but given it's just about 3:45am and today hasn't technically really started yet, I haven't accomplished much yet today.
  5. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Exhausted. I've been pulling triple/quadruple duty with my grandparents the last few days and I am just fucking drained. Back again tomorrow... and the next day... and the next... but it's okay. I'm not bitter or anything, just incredibly tired.
  6. So on Wednesday my grandpa was taken to the hospital for some pain in his ribs and side. Thursday the doctors suggested he might have a kind of cancer. Just yesterday (Friday) it was revealed to be stage 4 lung cancer (already spread to the liver and bones and spine). Could be months, could be weeks. The doctors didn't give specifics, just suggested we begin home hospice care ASAP. For the last 10 years I have acted as a helper monkey for my grandparents. As a result I have spent more time with my grandparents over the last 10 years than most of my family members -- even my cousins who briefly lived with them -- and chances are I will be the one spending the most time with them during this time. I'm not sure what to expect from myself during this time. I have a tendency to think too much and empathize too much sometimes. When we were in the meeting with the doctors yesterday I kept looking at my grandpa and couldn't help but wonder what was going on in his head. We don't think he fully comprehends the gravity of the situation because he was acting normal the whole time the doctors were trying to explain what is going on. I don't really know how to handle death very well. When my other grandpa died in 2013, I didn't really react in the way I would think I will this time. My other grandpa lived in Texas and I in California. I didn't see him as much as I wish I had been able to and thus the grief and sadness from that was more out of regret of not having spent as much time with him as I would have liked. This time, however, it is different. As I said, I am closer to my grandparents than much of my other family members (siblings, cousins, etc.). I am trying to prepare myself, but I'm really not sure how to do that -- or if I even can. I've never seen somebody die, but I have a feeling that I might. Like I said, I'm their helper monkey so I am over there a lot as it is and I will likely be there even more now to help him through the last few weeks/months when the caregivers and hospice workers aren't there and to help my grandma around the house. It took so much to hold back my tears yesterday when we were meeting with the doctors as it was (as helper monkey, I was the cousins' representative at this meeting with my mom and her siblings and my grandma); what is going to happen when the time actually comes -- or even before then, when he is further wasting away and in pain? I guess what I am saying is I'm afraid this is going to break me a bit. I'm not really sure why I am posting here other than to express my thoughts and concerns. I really don't know how you guys will be able to help with this. Maybe I'm just looking for some advice or support from people who have been in similar situations with friends or family members or something. I don't really know. I'm sorry for wasting a whole new topic on this, I just don't know what else to do and I figured this would be a better place to write about it than in a blog or whatever... I don't know. I'm not exactly all there in the head right now because of all of this. I mean, my grandpa is in his late 80s. I knew he was gonna go sometime in the next few years and I had accepted that -- intellectually... it's just this is not the way we thought it would happen. This isn't how anyone would want their loved ones to go. He's in enough pain from aging as it is. I can only imagine -- and will no doubt see first hand -- how much pain the cancer will add to the remaining time he has, and it brings me down just thinking about it. I don't want to dwell on the negative, but the only positive I have coming out of all this is that, unlike my dad's dad, I was able to spend a lot of time with my mom's dad over the last decade. Yet, at the same time... this is also what is driving my sorrow. It's almost as if I spent too much time with him over the last 10 years that being so close to him is what is going to tear me apart. Is that a thing? Anyway, sorry this post is so long. And sorry if it might seem like I'm just rambling or if it doesn't make any sense or whatever. I'm just trying to make sense of all this and how I am feeling as a result of it. Thanks for reading. And thanks in advance for any... support or advice or whatever any of you may be able to offer, if anything.
  7. Funky Music Videos

    Any Okilly Dokilly yet?
  8. I think I am. I've been on citalopram for a while now and though it has made me more lethargic in general, it's never really made me sleep all day. I'm pretty sure that was just the depression, though the lethargic side effects of the citalopram could easily have added to it. I've just been hesitant to ask to try another AD because I know some docs are hesitant to give them to us BP folks... but since I have the Abilify to balance things out I'm hoping I won't have much trouble convincing my doc to experiment a bit with other ADs.
  9. I hate life right now. My breathing is heavy. I just want to sleep, but if I go to sleep I will sleep all goddamn day, as I have been for the last 3-4 weeks -- and the last few days that has only been adding to the depression. I can barely think my thoughts are so jumbled. I still can't get a hold of my pdoc. Though my next appointment (on the 21st) inches closer by the day, the depression has gone from annoying to incredibly bothersome and I don't want to have to experience this shit for another week and a half before beginning to get help. I'm not suicidal or anything. It's a moderate depression, I guess. I just can barely function. People, specifically my grandparents, depend on me to do shit for them, like grocery shopping, but I can't deal with people right now -- be it in the grocery store or even just driving there. As I said, I don't want to go to sleep all day, I mean, I do, but at the same time I don't; I just don't want to be conscious. I don't want to be aware of the depression. If I am going to be awake, I feel like I need to be stoned (not really stoned, just enough to lift my mood enough to tolerate life), but that would require me to go get some weed, which would require driving to the shop and interacting with people. Ugh. The hypomania I experienced in September/early October was so, so mild and even though this depression is somewhat moderate, as I said, it is so much more intense than the hypomania was. Could be worse I guess. I could be mixed or maniacally psychotic, but ... I don't know. I'm just rambling I guess. I don't know what to do. If I continue to pretend like nothing's wrong, people will still pick up on it and lecture me, or they won't pick up on it and just assume I am being lazy or neglecting my responsibilities on purpose. Okay, I'm done rambling now.
  10. Everything and everyone is annoying the shit out of me today. :angry:

  11. BP magazine just shared this over on Facebook; it's an older article, but it's new to me. I thought it might be interesting to turn it into a sort of game... or whatever you wanna call it... What descriptions have or would currently describe episodes you've experienced in your BP life? http://www.bphope.com/9-add-on-descriptions-for-bipolar-disorder-according-to-the-dsm-5/ I've experienced: #1 With Anxious Distress, #2 With Mixed Features (these two tend to coincide a lot), #3 With Rapid Cycling (especially back in my teens and early twenties), #5 With Psychotic Features and #7 With Atypical Features (once or twice, but this one's not too common as most of my depressions are quite irritable).
  12. Today has been 6 months since I quit smoking!! How'd that happen??

    1. Chantho

      Chantho

      Awesome! I'm 10 days shy of 7 months, myself. 

    2. saintalto

      saintalto

      Congrats, that's really something. My husband couldn't make it more than a week so he went to vaping. 

  13. What are you listening to NOW?

    Cattle Decapitation's album -- Humanure. It's pretty sick (if you're into that sort of thing).
  14. Got a nap in. Not much, but it should get me through the day.

  15. I don't think it's gonna happen tonight. Zolpidem screwed me over.

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