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About electricbamboo

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  1. i've started and re-started this post like 32423 times...don't really know why i'm posting this but here goes i find myself slipping back into a depressive episode. everyday is a struggle and honestly, though i'm not actively suicidal, i wish every morning that i wouldn't have woken up. it's so hard to find even the strength/purpose of making myself eat. i have no interest in doing anything other than laying on the couch and staring at the ceiling; hard for me to even watch tv. i try forcing myself to do things but that doesn't work out or i get angry and frustrated with the thing i'm trying to do and quit. on top of that my anxiety has been running rampant and the med i have for it isn't really helping. i know i need to talk to my pdoc, and i will, but i just don't feel like she cares. no one cares or understands. my husband, bless him, has to deal with this all day everyday since he works from home. it's hard to talk to him about how i'm feeling because i feel like it hurts him that he can't help. when he asks me what's wrong i have no answer and when he asks what he can do to help i just want to cry because i don't know. anywho. guess i just wanted to put what i'm going through out there and see what you guys say. i don't know. thanks for reading.
  2. Thank you. My cousin dealt with a lot, he was actually looking forward to seeking help for his mental health with the insurance he was goign to be getting at his new job, unfortunately he didn't make it. i miss him a lot, we were pretty close. Yeah it was definitely traumatic to leave my pdoc, she and i had been through a lot together and i felt like she really cared for me. we actually both got a lil teary eyed on our last meeting. Thanks for the advice about pro bono lawyers. I will look into this today On the upside, my husband and i moved into a nice house, actually the nicest place either of us have ever lived before! our dog has a back yard and the cat has free run of the place - hes actually running up and down the hall as we speak now lol
  3. haven't been on CB in ages. so much has happened. was hospitalized in may due to a severe mixed episode, moved to a new city and had to leave my awesome pdoc behind. i've since gotten a new one, but she's one of those 5 min. appointmenters (are you suicidal, are you taking your meds, here's your refill see you next time) - in the process of looking for a new one. applied for disability after a mutual decision of leaving my job after my hospitalization - got denied am appealing it. lost my cousin to suicide in january. sorry this is all jumbly, my thoughts are kinda all over the place right now. thanks for listening/reading
  4. "Your "bipolar" is caused by your childhood issues" - a therapist in my IOP group, and yes he did finger quotes around bipolar. ok, let me quit taking my meds and we'll see about that.
  5. this. i experienced this in my last depressive episode. words looked like shapes and i would throw books across the room out of frustration. no one believed that i was that far gone. i also once was convinced that i had lymphoma (this was at age 10, didn't really know what lymphoma was, just knew that the lumps on the side of my throat were cancerous) i didn't sleep for days because of this. your post just reminded me of that...not a fun memory to relive! but thanks for sharing
  6. oh yes...right before i go full on manic. everything feels exciting and vivid and i feel fluttery (that's the only way i can describe it). granted my manias are generally euphoric even in the delusions most of the time
  7. worst psychotic episode was when i was in high school - i thought my house was infested by black widow spiders and that if i went to sleep they would kill me. also believed that my neighbors were pumping meth smoke into my room to kill me and that i had to tell the fbi about this to get them caught (i didn't). another thing was that i believed that baked potatoes were harbingers of terrible events (this still makes me laugh a little when i think about it) worst depressive episode was last year and lasted from late august to end of december. i couldn't move out of bed, could barely eat, couldn't shower - i was incapacitated with depression. i was out of work 4 months on short term disability. i made a plan to kill myself by drinking a bottle of wine and taking all the xanax and lithium that i had (which was a lot) . really glad my husband stepped in to squash that plan. worst manic episode...probably in february of this year, my meds weren't doing the trick and i stayed up for days and then believed that i was a famous chef that was better than bobby flay (LOL) i also believed that the sun was giving me special powers and that i was charged to contact the president/founder of tesla motors to build a ship that could fly me to the sun. finally took my zyprexa and it put an end to that.
  8. saw pdoc yesterday and she switched me from saphris (well weaning me off it) to invega...sick of the meds merry-go-round, but hopefully it will help.
  9. i smoke ecigs, but also smoke regular ones occasionally. i find them helpful when i'm stressed out and find i smoke a lot more when i'm having an episode
  10. i went through a period of feeling like i was already dead and came back as a ghost. no fun. hope you feel better soon.
  11. Sick of being sick. Woke up really really low. Wish this shit would go away and leave me alone
  12. I get that too, hearing music coming from strange places. Especially the shower head. Weird
  13. I also have been getting some faint voices that are annoying. Good times.
  14. Interesting. I'm going to talk with my pdoc about it when I see her next, which will be in march. I'll call sooner if it becomes a real issue and not just an annoyance like it is now