• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by OliverB

  1. I am sorry, I don't have any advice since I don't know exactly how it works in your country to find a new pdoc or if it would be possible that yout pdoc changes his behaviour since you have been with him for so many year. But I hope you find a solution. --------------- I have to leave the forum, I will be OK. Everyone, take care. And thank you melissa for all the support you gave me. (I am spending too much time on the internet and I have to cut it off)
  2. Why are you angry with him? Did he do something stupid/annoying?
  3. Once my pdoc said I have a really good insight and asked me if instead of schizophrenia I thought it could just be CPTSD. I told him I have a mix of both since I don't have all schizophrenia classic symptoms or presentation or all CPTSD symptoms (like poor emotional regulation of self harm). The thing is officially I am still schizophrenic. But you know what? *Even with a lot of incoherent phrases for the rest of the world that for me make sense, I am able to think at the same time in a way that people would understand it. For example, while I was writing this my head was "Le present indirect paletin...". *That freaking voice that is always behind my head saying random stuff, I know you don't hear it and it is considered an hallucination. *My special magic that allows me to connect with Wonderland and Netherland, that's complicate, because most of people don't connect with anything, so I am aware they would freak out if I talked them about these worlds. I can communicate with entities from Wonderland and demons from Netherland when the portals connections are open. It often happens when I am stressed out. There is the world beyond and behind reality, but I don't know them pretty well and the dark beings from there are less communicative. I know some people connect with other realms, these are the ones I can connect with. I have been in Wonderland twice, once I was dragged my entitie as a punishment for talking too much and the other time I went by my own. The point is I am aware most of people don't connect with any so they would just think I am crazy so I don't talk about them, this is one of the main reason why I am not fully sure I am schizophrenic. I am aware what is common and what is not, I can think coherently for the rest of the world even if inside there is going on a lot of phrases that normal people without the magic touch won't understand, so I translate my thoughts to their language. Actually, I migth not be psychotic at all, you know, they are not in touch so they don't understand and call it psychosis. Also, antipsychotics don't make me better. So maybe I am just a fake and shouldn't be here.
  4. Me too. Actually I think I am already burning out because the demon prince of Netherland have contacted with me. I know it is consider something weird by 99% of people, but when I connect to and with Wonderland or Netherland It is always when I am stressed. Anyway, I have decide to continue and find the way to live with Wonderland and Netherland conection. My life, everything, for me is college. I don't have anything else, I have never wish anything else. I survived years of abuse by my parents only by thinking me going to the university. I am mad, teachers noticed it, I look crazy, but someone crazy that knows what he says, I am the crazy student with good marks. Hope to continue in the future.
  5. I don't have "true" ADD as well as I don't have "true" autism, but because of early neglect and abuse my development didn't go well so I look ADD-like and autistic-like (even if my cognition is not ADD or autistic), but since I still have attention problems even if not true ADD, I was given Concerta (In my country it is not approved for adults and really rarelly prescribed, but my psychiatrist treats symptoms and not disorders). Anyway, I was said I am just a drug seeker, and someone asked me to sell him some pils lol Or the try harder thing... I am unable to watch a movie I like without a ton of coffee or Concerta.
  6. I am sorry I don't have any advice, I communicate with entities that lives in Wonderland and demons from Netherland, it is not telepathy but some sort of different communication. I don't know about parallel realities and other univeres but I am aware these things are considered psychosis by those who cannot connect with them. You can choose to live your way connected to extra reality being and spaces or to be in the so called real world, healthy and treated by what doctors normally consider it is the right thing (antipsychotics). If it makes you feel bad or mess up with your life I would see a doctor, a psychiatrist. In my case I was born with the magic, too much time passed, childhood onset schizophrenia (or the vision of the true reality I can see,maybe others can see more). Antipsychotics just sedated me, but it was too late when I took them the first time, years had passed, I couldn't return to everyone reality, I am with my magic forever. My psychiatrist doesn't bother anymore on trying antipsychotics while I keep doing the basic in my so called real life, but he does it because it is too late for me to live in the world that the rest of the humanity live in.
  7. I am diagnosed with SZ but I have a mood component, it just don't last enough or isn't severe enough or it is caused by the psychosis so it is not considered a mood episode. Like being hilarious and pseudomanic because demons have sent me that emotion. It just lasts until the demons stop sending me stuff (minutes to hours). Normally I am a bit low, something along with dysthimia but it is normal considered my situation and my CPTSD. I have had around two depressive episodes in the last three years but I got out of them without meds (both times I tried to kill myself) and they lasted less than a month. It is possible to have SZ and a depressive episode without being SZA if they are not recurrent enough to the point they are not relevant for treatment or if they were post psychotic depressive episodes (likely my case) or if it is depression as a symptom that don't fit the criteria for a depressive episode. Not all depressions are depressive episodes (clinical depression seen in MDD, bipolar and SZA), depressive episodes include more symptoms and more severe ones. Depression without being a depressive episode is common in many mental illness like PTSD, social phobia, schizophrenia, ... As well as dissociation (and it is not necessary a dissociative disorder).
  8. I have posted many times here (since I signed up), but didn't decide to take the step to tell my doctor until now (mainly because I have been psychotic for so many time and because alter 2 didn't want to) Finally I am telling my pdoc. I wrote him a 3 page letter (is it too much? I am worried I am being over demanding?). In the letter I explain this but with more details and examples and how it began and how it has been since I am 13: 1. Function in diarly tasks, social, emotional, more anxious, more obsessive, more communication with fragments that holds memories, ... 2. Focused on studying, more serious, less interested in social activities, less or none communication with fragments that holds memories... The two communicate, there is not memory loss between them, but there is memory loss when I am 2. and I have to remember what 1. talked about with the fragments. 2. doesn't remember what fragments did inside the head. And mainly three fragments: 1. Fight and hold some memories of physical abuse, paranoid and aggressive (Draco, a child, 7-9 years old). 2. Flight and shy, hold memories of abuse (physical and emotional). (Ashley, Draco's twin) 3. She doesn't have a name and completely freeze up, hold memories of sexual abuse, often secreams and doesn't talk too much. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It makes me ashamed, I feel like I am faking, but I am not. I am worried he won't believe it, or think I am faking or being delusional. Moreover, last time I saw him (Friday 20) I told him I was dissociating more and he asked me about derealization/depersonalizaton... I told him it was complex dissociating but couldn't explain it. I gave him a letter at the end of the session were I explained some about this complex dissociation, but it didn't have details about alter egos and fragments (he asked me if he could read the letter, I had written it for myself to have something to tell him, but I wrote it while was the alter 1 and during the session I was alter 2 so I was confused and couldn't explain myself). He seemed confused but wanted to understand (I guess that's why he asked me if he could keep the letter) what I mean because I told him it was different from the entities and voices (psychosis), I told him It was something "internal". Maybe he doesn't know about complex disssociation? I am afraid he doesn't know about it and thinks I am delusional or have a personality disorder, but once he told me I dissociate a lot and doesn't have a personality disorder. I am giving him the 3 page long with all details on Monday and I see him on Friday. If you have any advice, idea... help... I am really afraid, and confused... I moved from psychosis... got better... then post psychosis depression... got better... and now dissociation appears again. I never get well.
  9. Thank you. I am glad things are going OK for you, I think I will log in on weekends, you are right about being busy with college, it is not easy to pass exams while being unstable, but I am passing them
  10. Hi all, hope you have been doing OK. I am a bit OUGH, since I react pretty bad to medication and I can't study while on AP, but being antipsychotic free is somewhat dangerous. Still without medication even if I am not sedated it is not easy because of both positive and negative symptoms and anxiety. Aura, I have just read you, I am sorry I don't have any advice, I am on the same boat.
  11. Thank you both for asking! I did really well for a while but now I am weird again, not sure what it is happening but my mood is OK at least. How have you been doing?
  12. Any tips to avoid Concerta tolerance? I feel a boost in my mood the first 2-3 days that dissapear after that, but my concentration keeps improved and I feel less tired even after a week taking it everyday. I am taking it mainly for negative symptoms of schizophrenia and depressive symptoms. I was thinking on taking it like this: Monday: 36mg Tuesday: 36mg Wednesday: 0mg Thursday: 36mg Friday: 0mg Saturday: 18mg Sunday: 0mg I cannot rest from it for more than 2 days or I get totally useless and depressed again....
  13. I am trying to push myself out of my isolation existence, I want to make friends, true friends.... and I wonder... what when I have to tell them about my MI health issues? I don't intent to tell the first person I meet the first time... but when there is a friendship building.......
  14. Thank you, I am only on Concerta and gabapentin, I am not happy but not that bad either, I guess I am improving. And finally I am beginning psychotherapy with my pdoc , the diagnosis issue was really validating. I think things with him will improve a lot since now. My next step is clarify my objective and tell him something about my past, it will be this Tuesday, I hope it goes well I have written a letter... How are you doing? With lamictal? Could you find a pdoc that gives you stimulants for depression?
  15. I was taking 2mg of klonopil threetimes a day but my pdoc changed it to bromazepam since klonopil made me drowsy and bromazepam has less sedative side effect, he gave me 3mg of bromazepam to take 3 times a day, but I don't feel anything unless I take 12mg at once. And even when I take 12mg I still feel a bit anxious. The maximum dosage for bromazepam is 12mg in case of extreme anxiety and the normal one is 1.5-3mg three times a day. I can't see him until next Friday and I don't have any klonopil left. Do you have any advice or experience with bromazepam? I have two examns next week so I can't be anxious.
  16. ... No options, I am still with my pdoc. It is not that bad in the end, he said he believes I have Complex PTSD. I never told him anything about complex PTSD, I was shocked in a possitive way when he said it.
  17. I am done. I asked for a referral hoping I can find someone like my ex-pdoc, with him I was better than now and without taking any medication. But I was told last time the only options where a regular outpatient facility seeing a psychiatrist once each 2-3months, my ex-pdoc worked in a place no longer exists. I hope there is another option I wasn't told about or I am dead. I haven't been told where I will have to go or with whom yet. I hope really hope there is another option... Here poor traumatized people with MI are condemned to dead or suffering.
  18. I was diagnosed with a mixed personality disorder (schizotypal and borderline traits) by a ER psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with PD-NOS cluster B by another ER psychiatrist. Weh, I think it's a wrong diagnosis since my psychiatrist who sees me every week thinks I don't have a PD but schizophrenia. Anyway, the last ER psychiatrist insisted what I feel is void. I told him I don't even know what that means or how it feels and what I feel is more like indifference or apathy, but It doesn't cause me distress or self-harm/suicidal ideation since to be distress or suicidal one must feel something (despair at least). This is more like nothing at all. I feel something almost only when I am anxious. Do you think this is feeling void? What is feeling void? How do you feel 'your voidness' if you have it? What consequences does it have?
  19. When I am thinking clearlier and I am more in the rational World than Wonderland or my World, I find myself dissociating more. I am with Nev 1 and he is with me, Nev 2 and 3 are a bit far. Sometimes I buy or do child things to Nev. But not everything is so fun, my trauma 'appears' when I am more 'here' than in Wonderland or my World, emotional parts like Draco are aggressive and want to protect me at any cost. Sometimes I buy or do things for him too. It's like psychosis protect me from dissociation and trauma. I don't have DID, I control my body, I have fragments and almost full alters like Nev 1. But I find it curious my 'trauma' and dissociation is mostly noticiable when I am not psychotic in Wonderland with entities and with voices beyond reality. Maybe psychosis put me so far from reality I forget the trauma and the fragments and alters. I am talking about this with my pdoc, but I think I have schizophrenia and other specified dissociative disorder 1a.
  20. Has any of you found gabapentin helpful for your depression/mood? I have found if I take 600mg of it at night I wake up feeling less tired and with a little better mood.
  21. I just wanted to say I hope everyone it's doing OK, lately I have been too busy and stopped reading the forum.
  22. Eysash yah Hi! I hope I could feel happy inside, but too much trauma, stress, being poor, ... makes it impossible. It is not anything new, ... actually I think I am better because at least I am not deep inside psychotic lol
  23. Here it's not approved for adults or depression either... so I was really luckly I found this pdoc. I guess nobody else would ever prescribe it to me... I am sorry your pdoc continue refusing to prescribe it, it's really weird because you tried it before and it went well.
  24. Here what it's normal in regular outpatient facilities it's having a pdoc you see once each 2 months in the begining, then once 2-4 months and when you are stable, once each 4-6 months. You can see a psychologist once a month if they consider the issue it's mainly psychological, but since I am diagnosed with schizophrenia they won't assgined me a psychologist. When I was in one of the two regular outpatient facilities that treat mental illness here, I wasn't given the opportunity to talk with a psychologist... When I am right now, a non regular outpatient facility (it's a day hospital), there is a psychiatrist and a psychologist, actually I could talk to both at the same time if I asked to, or with one of them, but I don't find myself really comfortable with the psychologist... Anyway, I am doing more or less OK, I go to 2/3 of lessons and try to study a bit everyday. I am not dying, but I am unhappy deep inside, a silent sadness...