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Everything posted by OliverB

  1. I have posted many times here (since I signed up), but didn't decide to take the step to tell my doctor until now (mainly because I have been psychotic for so many time and because alter 2 didn't want to) Finally I am telling my pdoc. I wrote him a 3 page letter (is it too much? I am worried I am being over demanding?). In the letter I explain this but with more details and examples and how it began and how it has been since I am 13: 1. Function in diarly tasks, social, emotional, more anxious, more obsessive, more communication with fragments that holds memories, ... 2. Focused on studying, more serious, less interested in social activities, less or none communication with fragments that holds memories... The two communicate, there is not memory loss between them, but there is memory loss when I am 2. and I have to remember what 1. talked about with the fragments. 2. doesn't remember what fragments did inside the head. And mainly three fragments: 1. Fight and hold some memories of physical abuse, paranoid and aggressive (Draco, a child, 7-9 years old). 2. Flight and shy, hold memories of abuse (physical and emotional). (Ashley, Draco's twin) 3. She doesn't have a name and completely freeze up, hold memories of sexual abuse, often secreams and doesn't talk too much. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It makes me ashamed, I feel like I am faking, but I am not. I am worried he won't believe it, or think I am faking or being delusional. Moreover, last time I saw him (Friday 20) I told him I was dissociating more and he asked me about derealization/depersonalizaton... I told him it was complex dissociating but couldn't explain it. I gave him a letter at the end of the session were I explained some about this complex dissociation, but it didn't have details about alter egos and fragments (he asked me if he could read the letter, I had written it for myself to have something to tell him, but I wrote it while was the alter 1 and during the session I was alter 2 so I was confused and couldn't explain myself). He seemed confused but wanted to understand (I guess that's why he asked me if he could keep the letter) what I mean because I told him it was different from the entities and voices (psychosis), I told him It was something "internal". Maybe he doesn't know about complex disssociation? I am afraid he doesn't know about it and thinks I am delusional or have a personality disorder, but once he told me I dissociate a lot and doesn't have a personality disorder. I am giving him the 3 page long with all details on Monday and I see him on Friday. If you have any advice, idea... help... I am really afraid, and confused... I moved from psychosis... got better... then post psychosis depression... got better... and now dissociation appears again. I never get well.
  2. Any tips to avoid Concerta tolerance? I feel a boost in my mood the first 2-3 days that dissapear after that, but my concentration keeps improved and I feel less tired even after a week taking it everyday. I am taking it mainly for negative symptoms of schizophrenia and depressive symptoms. I was thinking on taking it like this: Monday: 36mg Tuesday: 36mg Wednesday: 0mg Thursday: 36mg Friday: 0mg Saturday: 18mg Sunday: 0mg I cannot rest from it for more than 2 days or I get totally useless and depressed again....
  3. I am trying to push myself out of my isolation existence, I want to make friends, true friends.... and I wonder... what when I have to tell them about my MI health issues? I don't intent to tell the first person I meet the first time... but when there is a friendship building.......
  4. Thank you, I am only on Concerta and gabapentin, I am not happy but not that bad either, I guess I am improving. And finally I am beginning psychotherapy with my pdoc , the diagnosis issue was really validating. I think things with him will improve a lot since now. My next step is clarify my objective and tell him something about my past, it will be this Tuesday, I hope it goes well I have written a letter... How are you doing? With lamictal? Could you find a pdoc that gives you stimulants for depression?
  5. I was taking 2mg of klonopil threetimes a day but my pdoc changed it to bromazepam since klonopil made me drowsy and bromazepam has less sedative side effect, he gave me 3mg of bromazepam to take 3 times a day, but I don't feel anything unless I take 12mg at once. And even when I take 12mg I still feel a bit anxious. The maximum dosage for bromazepam is 12mg in case of extreme anxiety and the normal one is 1.5-3mg three times a day. I can't see him until next Friday and I don't have any klonopil left. Do you have any advice or experience with bromazepam? I have two examns next week so I can't be anxious.
  6. ... No options, I am still with my pdoc. It is not that bad in the end, he said he believes I have Complex PTSD. I never told him anything about complex PTSD, I was shocked in a possitive way when he said it.
  7. I am done. I asked for a referral hoping I can find someone like my ex-pdoc, with him I was better than now and without taking any medication. But I was told last time the only options where a regular outpatient facility seeing a psychiatrist once each 2-3months, my ex-pdoc worked in a place no longer exists. I hope there is another option I wasn't told about or I am dead. I haven't been told where I will have to go or with whom yet. I hope really hope there is another option... Here poor traumatized people with MI are condemned to dead or suffering.
  8. I was diagnosed with a mixed personality disorder (schizotypal and borderline traits) by a ER psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with PD-NOS cluster B by another ER psychiatrist. Weh, I think it's a wrong diagnosis since my psychiatrist who sees me every week thinks I don't have a PD but schizophrenia. Anyway, the last ER psychiatrist insisted what I feel is void. I told him I don't even know what that means or how it feels and what I feel is more like indifference or apathy, but It doesn't cause me distress or self-harm/suicidal ideation since to be distress or suicidal one must feel something (despair at least). This is more like nothing at all. I feel something almost only when I am anxious. Do you think this is feeling void? What is feeling void? How do you feel 'your voidness' if you have it? What consequences does it have?
  9. When I am thinking clearlier and I am more in the rational World than Wonderland or my World, I find myself dissociating more. I am with Nev 1 and he is with me, Nev 2 and 3 are a bit far. Sometimes I buy or do child things to Nev. But not everything is so fun, my trauma 'appears' when I am more 'here' than in Wonderland or my World, emotional parts like Draco are aggressive and want to protect me at any cost. Sometimes I buy or do things for him too. It's like psychosis protect me from dissociation and trauma. I don't have DID, I control my body, I have fragments and almost full alters like Nev 1. But I find it curious my 'trauma' and dissociation is mostly noticiable when I am not psychotic in Wonderland with entities and with voices beyond reality. Maybe psychosis put me so far from reality I forget the trauma and the fragments and alters. I am talking about this with my pdoc, but I think I have schizophrenia and other specified dissociative disorder 1a.
  10. Has any of you found gabapentin helpful for your depression/mood? I have found if I take 600mg of it at night I wake up feeling less tired and with a little better mood.
  11. I just wanted to say I hope everyone it's doing OK, lately I have been too busy and stopped reading the forum.
  12. Eysash yah Hi! I hope I could feel happy inside, but too much trauma, stress, being poor, ... makes it impossible. It is not anything new, ... actually I think I am better because at least I am not deep inside psychotic lol
  13. Here it's not approved for adults or depression either... so I was really luckly I found this pdoc. I guess nobody else would ever prescribe it to me... I am sorry your pdoc continue refusing to prescribe it, it's really weird because you tried it before and it went well.
  14. Here what it's normal in regular outpatient facilities it's having a pdoc you see once each 2 months in the begining, then once 2-4 months and when you are stable, once each 4-6 months. You can see a psychologist once a month if they consider the issue it's mainly psychological, but since I am diagnosed with schizophrenia they won't assgined me a psychologist. When I was in one of the two regular outpatient facilities that treat mental illness here, I wasn't given the opportunity to talk with a psychologist... When I am right now, a non regular outpatient facility (it's a day hospital), there is a psychiatrist and a psychologist, actually I could talk to both at the same time if I asked to, or with one of them, but I don't find myself really comfortable with the psychologist... Anyway, I am doing more or less OK, I go to 2/3 of lessons and try to study a bit everyday. I am not dying, but I am unhappy deep inside, a silent sadness...
  15. Ahhh I think I am seeing him earlier, I don't know! I can't stand more than 1 day without Concerta because of depression... but I don't want to take it everyday either! I am not so sure about chaning pdoc, I like him even if I don't like talking to him, he accepts different approaches... I can't overlap with two pdocs since I am seeing him through the public health system, and if I am discharged from the day hosptial I won't see him again, I would have to go to a normal outpatient facility and ask for an appointment there (I can't ask while I am "signed in" the day hospital). I think I don't want to risk to lose my Concerta. Being diagnosed with schizophrenia, taking a really low dose of an AP and a stimulant it's really rare here, actually, they don't give Concerta to adults because it's not approved here. We don't have adderall either, there are really few approved ADHD meds, and only 1 of them is also approved for adult. None is approved for fatigue, depression, etc. and they are really reclutant to prescribe them. My pdoc is 60 years old, he has been working time enough to know there are really big exceptions, and he has directly told me he has never given Concerta to anyone over 16 years old...... and he is someone who works in a day hospital and treats people with severe mental illness, not a regular pdoc who mostly see people with mild-moderate anxiety and depression. He is good as a psychiatrist, he is not good as a psychotherapist for me, but that's my fault! My pride is giant, I like doing everything by my own, I can't freely talk about my problems with almost anyone (there was just one exception in all my life, my ex-pdoc). I think it's me, not him. I have to solve this instead of risking my gold med (Concerta).
  16. I never liked to talk to him... unless it's about medication. He said there are few a bad alternatives, we talked about them, and I have to decide what to do and tell him next appointment (next month, normally I see him weekly)
  17. I saw my pdoc today. We didn't talk, I don't like talking to him, I just want my meds. He is supposed to be my psychotherapist too, I can't get another one (I am not paying him, it's the public health system). I want to talk with someone but not with him... He said he wants to talk and not only giving me meds, bah. I told him I don't want to see him more than once a month because there is nothing to talk about. I just don't connect with him and I am not comfortable (and I told him this). It's so frustrating.
  18. For me the reason mainly is that I am completely alone in my room, while the rest of the week I go to college or to the day hospital. Uhm, I don't think the cause it's the break, it's more likely it just the general reason why I feel worse on weekends: I am more lonely.
  19. Thank you, in the end the nurse didn't cancell the appointments I had : ) Thank you for asking. I was really sad and anxious during the weekend, a bit suicidal, but today (Monday) I took 36mg of Concerta and felt great again. I am still anxious, but not as sad, as tired, and as bad as before (I took a break from it on thr weekend because I am afraid of developing tolerance) Thank you, I could sleep... a lot, thanks to gabapentin. I think he didn't call back because he knows I have a lot of self-control and my "emergencies" can wait, I know he cares because he gave me two appointments for this week because I was really low on Friday. Now I am feeling better : )
  20. I will take more gabapentine and try to sleep. I don't want to know anything about the day hospital. I promised one of the fragments (flight response) I won't put myself indanger again.
  21. He has already left. I cannot contact him, he doesn't have a mobile phone or email for patients emergencies. It's supposed I have to go to ER if I have an emergency and the day hospital it's not open, but ER handle emergencies very bad unless you are heavily psychotic and I don't want to be IP again, I only have had bad experiences from IP, and there is only one psych hospital here. I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about jumping through the window and die The day hospital it's not open anymore, it's only in the morning.
  22. My doctor didn't call me. So what now? I have been sleeping since then and feel really bad I don't know if I have my appointments or not because I told her I wanted to cancel them but I wanted to talk to my doctor to see if there was another option and I could go anyway. I am getting suicidal urges from a fragment, but I don't want to kill myself
  23. Thank you. The nurse acts like that, but just sometimes... I guess she didn't have bad intentions... but it was't profesional to do that, she made a mistake... she makes this kind of mistake... (just sometimes)... most of time she is nice. (in bold) I couldn't, she just came, called me off and went away... twice. I don't mind that much about my pdoc reading the letter before when it was supposed to be read, but It was a bit uncomfortable. I guess he just wanted to know what it was on it to be able to talk about it directly, without losing the session time reading it. I called the day hospital and asked if my pdoc could call me at the end of the day (around 15:30)... the nurse said my pdoc was really busy today and unless it was an emergency he probably won't call me. I told her then I wanted to cancel both appointments for next week. I don't want to know anything about them. They are not bad but cause me too much distress.