iaawal

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About iaawal

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  • Birthday 12/01/91

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  1. The person in my closet isn't there anymore. Doesn't mean they were never there. Every time I check though nobody is there. I've checked maybe 20 or 30 times. It's always so invalidating when something I believe is happening isn't actually true. The worst part is when I tell someone and then have to take it back. I feel like a fool. It makes me sad rather than happy because it just feels like I'm making everything up. Stupid iaawal. I feel like I'll be like the boy who cried wolf.
  2. Sounds terrifying, Flash. I'm glad the Zyprexa has been helping. Sorry things are so shitty for you.
  3. I wish I could think and learn as well as I used to. I still struggle in the brain department. It's gotten better but still not good. I want to do research for a living. My brain is unacceptable.
  4. Oh My God. What happened?!?!?!?!?!?!
  5. That explains my coworker! She's an anthropologist. I'm bouncing my legs as I type. If I'm sitting with my legs crossed, then I rock. In bed, I thrash (see video below lol). When I'm standing in one place I rock side to side. Or I just pace around. In meetings, I always sit in the chair with wheels and just twist around in the chair. I can't be still. I find doing these things very soothing. When my ex and I saw this episode we realized that I am Tina Belcher.
  6. Danny, I understand the worry about them knowing you're onto them. I've mentioned this to docs and so far those spying on me haven't done anything because I know. So yeah, they won't do anything and it's best to get this taken care of. I hope you can find a psychiatrist. And if it makes you feel better, your psychiatrist can't tell them that you're onto them if that's something that worries you. Privacy laws and stuff. Fancy fancy!! That's awesome! Hope your new apartment is nice! Hope it has a washer and dryer in the unit.
  7. I also found it surprisingly well done. Decent portrayals of MI are rare. That bipolar woman though. Jesus.
  8. Tdoc asked about that because I was telling him about this lady who presented who seemed to have the biggest crush on her research partner (she had so many pictures of him on her slides and was gushing over him). Awkward. I mean I get giving credit to your collaborators but do you really have to talk about him in EVERY slide and point him out in each picture? lol! He asked if I have any crushes. I get very uncomfortable around the topic of crushes, dating and sex. Dating would mean I would have to touch someone. My ex, my first, was safe but that was just a lucky shot that the first one was a safe person to touch (and kiss and have sex with). I think touching and sharing bodily fluids is just disgusting. Fine when others do it but the thoughts of actually doing it sounds horrible. I like tdoc. And I'm very comfortable around him. But not that comfortable. Anything revolving around dating, sex, food and body image makes me want to crawl into a hole. I told him I don't have any crushes. Which isn't a lie. I don't. (although his receptionist is super attractive but not crushing on her just think she's attractive.) I think our IT guy is cute but that's the truth. He's pretty attractive. Don't have a crush on him. I'm also not going to try to date. The fact that I make it out of my apartment is a big enough step. The only places I go are work, tdoc, pdoc, grocery stores with self-checkouts and coffee shops. Baby steps with my social anxiety. Baby steps. I would like to go to a bar one day. I've never been inside one. I won't lie. I would like to date someone. The idea of marrying a woman and starting a family makes me excited. It'd be perfect if she would want to carry the baby and I could witness the pregnancy. (I would never get pregnant; I want to get my tubes tied). Oddly enough, the idea of starting a family with anyone else doesn't excite me as much. I think it's because I just want to witness a pregnancy and one day be able to say, "my wife went into labor." Weird. I know. I just think it's beautiful. Probably not pleasant for the woman, but beautiful. When I first started seeing him I said my goal was to make one friend that I could physically hang out with and maybe even get a hug from. So let's start with that. It's been months and I still haven't made a friend IRL. Besides, I felt apart at 6AM today listing out the reasons why I don't deserve to have a partner, ever and even if I did deserve it, why I just shouldn't have a partner. I have BPD. All I have to do is tell someone my diagnosis and they'll find horror stories on the internet. People who live/date those with BPD paint us as horrible, manipulative people. Certainly can't use my ex as a reference. He waited to break up with me because he wanted to be sure I wouldn't kill myself because of the breakup. And in 3.5 years he went from a happy carefree guy to a stressed sad person thanks to me. Talk about horror story. And I didn't think I was that bad. lol. I like being able to cry or walk around like a zombie or not shower or take care of myself without having to worry about worrying someone else. I don't want to pretend at home. If I want to fall apart, let me fall apart. And don't let anyone feel my pain. It's not fair to them. I don't like being the reason someone hurts. Because then it turns into me trying to say I was just being dramatic and that I'm fine. And that's not fair to me, is it? Let my tinder profile say, "hi, I'm iaawal. I'll ruin your life." _______ In other news, I wonder if I'm depressed. I think I'm doing fine. Things started going downhill when we started covering my mom in therapy and I was no longer on the latuda. But that was months ago. I feel like I haven't picked myself back up. I think I might be depressed. But I don't feel like I'm qualified to say I am. Why? I don't know. Well because I'm an ignorant fool. Anyways, I feel like I'm getting sadder. My apartment is looking worse. And I haven't washed my towels in a long time (I always wash my towels). I take out my trash maybe once a month. I still think about suicide like usual. That hasn't changed much. Sometimes it's worse. Sometimes it's better. I can hold it together until I say goodnight to my mom. After that I'm either too tired to cry or I'm just watching youtube videos back to back like a mindless robot. The question is why would an answer to that question feel so important? It's validating. It puts a label on how I'm feeling? I don't know. It says I'm not making a big deal? I don't know. ________ I wish I could hook someone up to a machine and ask them to give me one good reason why i deserve to live so that the machine could tell me if they're telling the truth. Because are people really that cruel to tell someone they don't deserve to live? Probably not face to face. Certainly tdoc or pdoc can't be honest with me because it would be unethical to tell a client that they don't deserve to live. It's a question that I'm also afraid to ask because my only hope is that someone tells me that I deserve to live and gives me an actual reason that isn't a lie (where is that damn machine) because I would heartbroken if they replied with a lie or "I don't know." I want to be held and told that I deserve to live and have that machine tell me it's true. Where is that stupid machine?!?! Time to build one!
  9. I do wonder if I'm depressed. I'm not sure. I'm glad you were able to do group therapy with your parents and that it worked a bit! That's great. I live in a different state. I told her one day that I was bipolar and had anxiety. Before I left the state she said that I should just not tell her if I'm having a difficult time because then she'll worry and that's not fair to her because then she'll suffer and feel helpless (everything is about her yay). She told me to tell her I'm fine. So I wouldn't tell her I'm struggling mentally. I regret ever telling her about my MI in the first place (sometimes I feel like I'm close to her and overshare). She also doesn't believe in MI so she'd just tell me to stop eating gluten and go to church. Thanks though. No, I don't think she does acknowledge that her assumptions about what I'm feeling, what my intentions and thoughts are aren't correct. lol. Oh wouldn't that be nice! Wish my mom did what you did. No, I don't hang up on her. I let her hang up on me. She thinks it's because I'm awkward and I don't like hanging up on phone calls but really I just don't want to hang up on HER. The other day I did and she called me back and said, "did you really just hang up on me?!?!?" Thanks, wadjet. Sorry the way you were raised leads you to think that. I think it's the same for me. Thanks, Cheese! Tdoc gave me a "be an asshole" challenge because I think I'm an asshole/bad person no matter what I do but I never reap the benefits that can come from being an "asshole." By that he meant saying things I want to say instead of putting others before me (not go around punching puppies). I don't think it went well. He said I could start by being an asshole to him by correcting him if he's wrong or saying if I don't like something. Towards the end of the session I thanked him for the laughs (it was a funny session) but said that I still felt like the worst person ever. I asked if that was frustrating for him that we work on something and I just don't seem to accept it. He said it was frustrating that I don't see those things because he cares about me. Then asked how I felt about him saying he cares about me and I responded with, "disturbing." I freaked and sent an apology email once I got to work. I had to confess that the idea of caring makes me uncomfortable because I think I associate caring and love with uncomfortable feelings because of my mom's overly affectionate behavior that weirded me out. Once that word came out of my mouth I wanted to die. What a horrible person. He said he was glad I shared that with him. So I guess maybe not a horrible thing to say. I'm rambling.
  10. I really only knew pod from chat but this breaks my heart. Everyone on CB is special to me and knowing one left this world is horrible news. I think it's so great that you guys are doing everything possible to make sure his doggies are well taken care of. Thanks for the donation link.
  11. 24F. Feels like 5. There's freezing rain. I walked 14 minutes to the bus stop and my jacket had ice on it. Not snow, not cold rain, actual ice. Some got in my eye but mostly it was on my glasses. I don't like ice. I like snow. The sidewalk is icy. Grrrrrr.
  12. I agree. The nails and the thumbtack gave me something to look forward to in my office. I felt comfortable (even though they worked for an evil mastermind). If I was Having a hard time I wasn't alone. Having them turn back into just objects broke my heart and I lost my friends who had been with me for months at that point. It was a lonely place. Oliver, I hope you can find the right balance of meds.
  13. I felt very sad when the nails and thumbtack on the wall in my old office stopped being sentient beings. We were friends. We had a story. We communicated telepathically. I understand that sadness. I missed them so much. Now I'm in a new office and none of the objects have life so I'm all alone in the office. I don't think you should stop taking your AP or take another drug. Talk it over with your docs. Maybe they can help you deal with the grieving.
  14. Mickey has so many bad memories attached to him. There are actual tear and booger stains since I thought he was a tissue. That's great that you have one without the bad memories. It's sweet. Aww!! I hated traveling because it meant I couldn't take him because I was a teenager and embarrassed that I slept with a stuffed animal. Now I don't travel so... I was always afraid the washer would tear him apart!! lol. That's cool you have a backup stuffed animal. Though I hope bunny is around for a long long time. Thanks, guys!!!!! So awesome to hear I'm not the only one sleeping with a stuffed animal. I would sleep with him now but I don't want my cat to attack him. I'm picking him up later today. Boy he's had quite a life. He's had knives/scissors held at him and now he ended up lost!