iaawal

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About iaawal

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  • Birthday 12/01/91

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  1. Have you thought about biking? I still haven't gotten around to driving because of the OCD so I just take the bus (I live on the bus route), walk or take uber.
  2. Good point, Gear. Yesterday she went to the hospital for high blood pressure and told me there needs to be peace between us which means I need to tell her more. I'm sticking to my guns and I'm going to continue to emotionally distance myself. I'm sorry Montague. My mom fits more with narcissistic personality disorder. Histrionic sounds tough to deal with. Yes, she's very good at making the situation all about herself.
  3. Thanks Chicken! Missed you too. I tend to disappear for short periods of time.
  4. So ever since the end of last year when I was confronted with the reality that it was emotional abuse and may even overt and covert sexual abuse (eww) from my mother I've been trying to distance myself. I already live 1800+ miles away from her but she calls me every day. So I'm colder on the phone calls to get her to hang up quicker or I tell her the truth when she asks me questions. I don't really tell her anything that's going on in my life. If she asks me what I did at work, I tell her I did work and that's it. If I tell her I went out to dinner and she asks how it was I say it was good and that's it. I don't let her keep going in the conversations. She's noticed and has said to me that our relationship is becoming more distant. I tell her the truths sometimes. Like my cousins' daughters are going to college and neither one of them wants them to go. So I told my mom "she just shouldn't do what you did, which was not give me an option to live on my own in college and move with me." To that she said I was the one who asked her to move in with me. The excuse I gave everyone regarding the fact that my mom moved to a new city with me was that I didn't want to live in the dorm. But really, my mom guilted me and I felt I had no choice. In fact, I originally wanted to move out of state for college but then she would do the whole "if I'm sick, you won't be able to see me, vice versa" thing and I felt guilted. I told her that was the truth and told her to cut the conversation. Lately she's been watching a religious channel and comes to me with realizations. Like it was saying how parents are distancing their own children and causing harm when they don't let them go. She asked me if she did that to me and then I said yes. And she denied it. She denied me ever lacking the ability to make my own decisions. I told her that no matter what I tell her that she's just going to deny it anyway. She's also been asking for forgiveness this way, "if I ever did anything wrong to you, then forgive me." I told her that's not how you ask for apologies. By doing that you're not even recognizing that you did anything wrong. I told her that she would have never accepted that apology from me. Then she said she would have that she never denied an apology from me (a million times she did). Then she told me that parents always forgive their children and children should always forgive their parents. She has chronic pain and when she talks about how miserable her life is I feel like I should feel compassion. I know that I hurt her when I'm cold. I know that. She tells me that. She asked me how I'm doing mental health wise. I told her that even if I was doing bad I wouldn't tell her because she was the one who told me before I moved out of state that if I'm ever not doing well that I shouldn't tell her because she'll worry about me and that won't be good for her health. She then denied ever saying that and said she would never say such a horrible thing. Then said that if she ever said something so stupid, that it was just her being stupid and that I should forgive her because she'll be there for me always. She'll come live with me if I ever need her. So I've been feeling a lot more compassion towards her. She's changing, right? She's 66 years old. She's maintained that she's never going to change her personality. But what she's changing isn't her personality. Part of me says that's how abusers get people to stay. Then most of me says I was never abused and that I'm just being mean to someone who loves me very very much. I don't know any more. Folks on the chat encourage me to cut off contact or change my name next time I move and not tell her. I know it's probably best but idk. I would feel guilty.
  5. Prazosin has really helped my nightmares and the quality of my sleep. I'm on 10mg now.
  6. Great to hear about the bridal shower, aura! Yes, I think it's progress. I started the Latuda again in early February. I only stayed at 20mg for a week then moved to 40mg the next week and I've been on that dose since. So it's been about 1.5 months or so with that dose. So it might be that that is helping. I don't think I'm depressed any longer but the thoughts continued after the depression subsided (I still struggle with motivation and interest though but those guys just stick around regardless). Now they've seemed to be subsiding. I think it's happened in the last week or so. They're getting better. Like, I know the government spies on everyone. That's absolutely rational. But the thoughts of me being singled out by whatever organization was spying on me and other people spying on me have calmed down.
  7. So the chances of me being spied on don't feel like 100% true. They're more like 50% sure. Me not being spied on is now an actual possibility. Like if I do something and someone sees it's because they happened to be in line of sight of my window (and my window is open) instead of someone purposely looking in there.
  8. I like to think about it like this. SZ and a mood disorder had a baby. The baby (SZA) has inherited both of its parents' qualities. Sometimes it acts like both of its parents, sometimes one or the other. Sometimes kids are more like 1 parent even though it inherits qualities of both. So kid might be more psychotic because it's like its dad.
  9. I go through periods of this. It's like what I want to say suddenly hides behind a brick wall and I can't get to it.
  10. Not exactly a problematic thing but just wondering right now. I've always had these strong urges to do something random like dump a glass of water on my head or just pour the whole carton of milk on the floor. Sometimes with hot coffee or water I need to resist the urge to pour it on myself. Idk they're just random urges. Just want to see if others relate.
  11. Idk I actually prefer the dark. It calms my senses since there aren't too many things for me to see. When the person/being was in my closet I appreciated that even if they moved I probably wouldn't see them. I think if I had seen them, I would've freaked more.
  12. Looking at the prescribing information for your AAPs the chances of them are very low. But it's hard to say what the rate is for TD itself since it's usually lumped in to EPS or dyskenetic events. For EPS the percentage was obviously higher (avg 5%) because it included everything under the EPS umbrella including TD. When looking at dyskenetic events it was about 1% but that includes more than just TD. So even with both AAPs, it's still a really small percentage (1% or less is a rough guess). Nobody get at me if my math is wrong.