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About ananke

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  1. I was told that medication wasn't really an option for me (UK psychiatrists tend to recommend therapy over medication). When I did take anti depressants prior to being diagnosed formally, they didn't have any effect, even the ones that supposedly helped PTSD. The only thing I've found that's consistently helped has been a great therapist. Took years but I'm in a much better place. Trouble with meds is, they effect everyone differently. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but aside from trial and error (which you seem to have done a lot of already) it's difficult to recommend anything as they don't work the same for everyone.
  2. i kinda know what you mean. i have lots of very small memories of me being disturbed by adults touching me (in legitimate ways, like going to the doctors) but i have no idea why i reacted so strongly. even now (i also have ptsd, from an adult relationship) i just have very strong negative feelings. particularly towards drunk men. no idea why. around the time i started reacting like this (6-7) i also developed some pretty serious anxiety. but since i have no idea what caused this im reticent to bring it up.
  3. Getting into a career building job is an obstacle so big it's a joke. It's so depressing how many people my age (and older) are just stuck in a rut because there's no room for growth in the job. Gods only know how this is going to affect us all long term. A generation of people whose baseline experience is mostly unpaid internships, zero hour contracts and no potential just seems like a set up for another crash. Sorry, speaking of crashes my mood decided to plummet so I'm not in the most rational state of mind. Yeah, the trouble is that my expectations are sort of 'at any cost' including what interests me or would actually make me happy or comfortable. The OCPD would rather I were in a crap job than no job.
  4. I knew that as soon as my job contract ran out my brain would be back to screaming at me in no time, but I'm impressed at just how ferocious it is considering I've been technically unemployed for less than a week. I keep trying to tell myself that I knew full well it was part time and short term- that there were no real expectations and it was just to give me some money whilst I'm still a student. Hasn't stopped the voices. The plan for a while has been- to graduate this year (which I really should focus on more than worrying about my career) and get a job. I have no ambitions or any idea what I want to do post-university. Everything I am slightly interested in requires a lot of commitment- essentially a lot more academic stuff (masters etc) that I don't think I can afford in a number of ways. If nothing else, nothing motivates me enough to want to put in the extra effort. I'm in my mid twenties and still living at home and I feel terrible about it. A lot of people my age are flat sharing or living with partners. Do other OCPD people feel this way or is this just a generational thing. I'm sure a part of it is the latter but almost all the pressure I feel is internal. I should have a (well defined) career by now, I should have moved out, etc. Any or all dreams are dead, I just want to prove I can function and work really really hard.
  5. I remember you saying aura. If I'm honest I think it was your experience thats making me question what kittyloaf is going through. Again, it's not the BPD diagnosis necessarily, it's more how suddenly you are being moved into DBT without being given space to discuss it with a t/pdoc you can trust. I hope you are able to see your pdoc soon so you can get some clarity. Also, if you want any insight into therapeutic stuff outside of DBT that has helped my BPD I'd be happy to talk to you about it, but obviously you have a lot going on so that's an open offer should you want it
  6. IDK it seems pretty sketchy that you are being asked to move away from a tdoc you like in order to receive treatment for a disorder you've just received. I mean, I have BPD traits (and OCPD) and it might just be that DBT really isn't as common over here, but I've been doing other kinds of therapy and improving a lot. It just seems like it would make more sense to try and work with your current tdoc with this, and get the second opinion, rather than making big changes in your treatment plan. You don't have to answer with any sort of detail (or even at all!) but did the psychiatrist who diagnose you explain why BPD fit better than schizoaffective disorder? Sorry, I'm being super cautious because I don't get this situation, but that might be more a cultural difference as I'm in the UK!
  7. Do you like your current tdoc? Was DBT in the works the whole time? Cause if the DBT is for the BPD diagnosis it seems to be moving very fast
  8. I'd ask for a second opinion if you can. Misdiagnosis is common (in both directions) but it seems strange that you are consistently told one thing only to get told all of that was wrong. I can't think of a reason why you can't have both? I have experienced BPD related psychosis, but during brief periods and infrequently. It got to a point where I considered hospital, but it passed before that was necessary.
  9. Ok, I think the explanation clears things up a bit. Yeah I mean if PD's did define me I'd essentially be an unstable control freak, which is only partially true . I get the whole 'people contain multitudes' thing. The old and true cliche is that time is the best healer, and tbh even though it's only been a few years things have definitely improved for me since I got diagnosed and proper therapy. echo, I'm glad you have a good pdoc helping you. Can make a world of difference. I'd also agree that PD's are by their nature very pervasive. It takes a while to be able to look back and spot the PD symptoms (like Where's Wally, but with a psychiatric disorder).
  10. Fluent, my OCPD is very much real. The psychologist who diagnosed me isn't even the therapist I'm working with now. I am me, with a personality disorder. Like, by all means see your own MI's how you want (assuming you aren't just here to troll us) but I'm not up for having a philosophical debate about whether or not mental illness is real. My faults and insecurities may be shared by many, many others but I doubt they have driven most to the brink as often as mine have.
  11. Yeah, I've definitely had periods where I was worrying way too much about health related things. Best to steer clear for my mental health! OCPD is a vicious cycle. Guilt (about everything) has been one of the worst symptoms I've experienced. There's guilt if I don't do enough, there's now guilt if I don't give myself time off :/ but we do need time off! If cats can spend half their lives asleep I can definitely have a power nap. anankas, I think part of the reason people with OCPD can struggle to get diagnosed is that broadly, our behaviours/worth ethic are praised far more than critiqued. Who's going to complain about an employee who volunteers to do overtime for free? One of the biggest barriers I've seen to PD's getting accepted is that others don't really understand that we're just regular people (because we are!) who for a variety of reasons have had our personalities pushed into extremes. It's funny you mention we only trust our own judgement- my self esteem is very firmly rooted in what other people think of me, which has lead to some unfortunate relationships where people took advantage of that. Then again, there are definitely situations in which I'd happily claim 100% of the responsibility for a project to avoid other people 'messing up', in the same way I wouldn't let a child dress themselves because I don't think they can do it themselves! As for editing, sure people edit but I've never really heard people complaining about spelling/grammar on here!
  12. Yay another OCPD individual! Hello! Haha I think a OCPD feature is imposter syndrome of our own PD. 'Other people are more perfect than I am, so I can't be a perfectionist because I'm not perfect enough to be!' OCPD is a nightmare. The whole having the most optimal day rings very true. Even nowadays, when I'm not feeling depressed all the time, I think 'well gee I have to make up for lost time and start living 100% of my life 100% of the time with no room for just doing nothing'. Honestly, despite the intrusive thoughts and guilt, actually forcing myself to doing relaxing, pointless things that don't produce anything or have any real benefits other than fun has helped a lot. The other thing I've found is that hobbies are only fun if they aren't a chore. Doing it when the mood takes you rather than because you need to prove you are capable of doing something. As for the backseat driving analogy, you might not be the driver, but you can make a really annoying backseat driver for all those anxious obsessions. That doesn't mean you as a person are annoying! It means that in order to help mitigate the OCPD, you need to work counter to your own brain sometimes. Like telling OCPD-brain that actually, you are going to have that nap, just because you feel like it. It's your life, not the perfect veneer your personality disorder wishes it could be. Blahblah, you hit on some interesting points! OCD and OCPD are slightly different though, but I've found that OCD tends to follow on the heels of OCPD. Here: https://www.verywellmind.com/ocd-vs-obsessive-compulsive-personality-disorder-2510584 is a list of differences between the two. But yeah, these days the pressure to stand out and be 'the best' is more ruthless than ever. I find my OCPD is at its worst when I'm working. Any mess up or failure will result in days of self hatred and worry that I'll lose my job. It's worrying how many people can relate when I discuss my symptoms of OCPD. Doesn't mean that everyone has OCPD, but there is definitely a huge pressure on being the perfect employee, or partner, or parent, or student, or person. One area I'm trying to stay well away from is things like dieting and exercise. I'm not the healthiest person, but I know if I latch on to a mentality that says 'less than x hours of exercise in a week makes you a lazy ****' I'm putting myself in a dangerous mentality.
  13. Do you think your pdoc will not respect your concerns? It might be worth bringing it up with them
  14. We can't really diagnose anyone on here, I'm afraid. Is there any way to talk to someone (even a GP) about these feelings? They seem very intense. Is the reason you posted in the PD forum because you are wondering if you have a personality disorder? No judgement, just asking
  15. I'm not Schizotypal (sorry) but I do have OCPD (and BPD traits), and am always interested in hearing from others with PD's! It's interesting that you don't respond to medication either, I had five rounds of anti-depressants which had no effect. A lot of the info on PD's from American sources say meds help with comorbid disorders (like depression, anxiety, etc) but I've yet to find this is the case? I don't know if the NHS has a different attitude, or if I just respond badly to medication in general, but my diagnostic Pdoc told me straight up that medication would be pointless, in my situation anyway.