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About ananke

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  1. Dr Phil is a bit of a hack, imo. I don't understand why media/tv shows so enjoy diagnosing people they've never met, even if this guy does have OCD. But I guess, if harm thoughts are dealt with, this manifestation of OCD can also be dealt with
  2. Tapering is difficult but far preferable to cold turkey, so kudos for not making the same mistakes I did it is physically and mentally tolling though. Hopefully once you're fully tapered off, things will feel a bit better. Since you seem to be having such a hard time coming off Luvox it would make sense that it's messing with you mentally at the moment. Still, OCD is difficult, but therapy can help. It can be infuriating and distressing when you feel like you aren't making any progress, or getting worse, but I've found gradual improvements in some areas. Actually ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) has been moderately more useful to me than CBT, though neither have made significant improvements thus far. ACT makes me feel like less of an douche even when I am having intrusive thoughts. I don't know if this is old news but figuring out when the OCD started and possibly why might be an option? Harm OCD is super stressful because you feel bad just talking about it, as if just having these thoughts is as bad as actually acting on them. You can still be a good mum (and probably are) even if you're having these thoughts, it just makes things crap for you. I'm not well versed on OCD medication but are you and your pdoc looking in to alternatives? Just an undergraduate psychology student here but from what I can remember schizophrenia is unlikely to develop past your teens/early twenties? I don't wanna say that's absolute or that I'm 100% sure but it sounds familiar. I'm also pretty sure there's a specific kind of OCD related to fears of becoming mentally ill in some other way. If anyone has better information please correct me! Five years late but congratulations on your daughter!
  3. Yep, triggers are effed up like that. 'Remember that time your ex gave you ice cream? Well guess what! Now you get to feel bad for eating it!' Like damn even ice cream isn't safe? Is nothing sacred??? The trouble I have with identifying triggers is as you say- they can be so broad just an inkling can set something off. Pure Shores by All Saints once made me dissociate for no reason I can think of. Now, it's fine. But I guess knowing broadly what triggers you, or even having a diary of specific incidences can help reveal a pattern. Most kinds of therapy are worth a shot. There might be some small nugget of usefulness, even if it feels like nonsense at the time. This does get tiring though. So much hard work over something nobody would ever ask for (trauma in general I guess) but we got lumped with anyway.
  4. Pdocs are not all knowing, unfortunately. The one who initially diagnosed me completely ignored me when I tried talking about my stalker and symptoms of what was later revealed to be dyspraxia. At any point did you choose the triggers? Sorry that sounds cruel, my point is triggers are not optional or something that we necessarily can control all the time. I have a bunch and if I've gone a day without one being accidentally (or deliberately) set off then I can't remember it. Triggers can ease with time, especially with slow, systematic desensitisation of them (which is hopefully something your pdoc is exploring with you?). But yeah it can feel like you bring them on yourself even when that isn't true. I occasionally watch horror-related things (movie analysis or short clips), which I know is a bad idea but I do it anyway. But I also flinch if someone touches me and I didn't realise they were there. That's not something I can control, or avoid. I think PTSD sets us up with a frame of mind that says 'everything bad is your fault anyway, accept it'. Sorry this is so disjointed, it's midnight here and I'm tired haha.
  5. Sorry, PTSD is an effing nightmare sometimes. Pretty sure I've said this a million times before so apologies if you've already heard it, but there can be a huge divide in knowing better and feeling better. Like, I know so much more about why I feel this way, but it hasn't necessarily stopped me feeling this way. This is a weird comparison but it's kind of like Groundhog day, except the reverse. Everything changes but my brain is still running the same loop over and over. I did feel better over the years, and it's an old cliche but time is sometimes the best healer. Someone once said it takes twice as long to recover from a breakdown as it does to have a breakdown. Maybe PTSD follows the same rule book. At least recovery to some degree is on the table. Like Rosie says, the intensity fades. Hopefully it gets to a point where it feels manageable if nothing else. God intrusive thoughts are probably my least favourite symptom, and theres a lot of competition. I've tried the CBT technique (directly challenging them) and the mindfulness/ACT technique (allowing them to happen and not try and change them) and neither really works. My (non-intrusive) thoughts are with you, this crap is tough but I hope it helps in the long run.
  6. Gooosh what an interesting question.. to be honest I was one of those people who was a lesbian before I realised I was bi. Well, I kinda knew I was bi, but when I went to an LGBT event someone assumed I was a lesbian and I was so socially anxious I didn't have the courage to correct them ha. At one point I thought I was queer or pan, but I read some description of bisexuality along the line of 'attraction to two or more genders' and I was sold. I'm way too picky to be pan or queer, ironically I have pretty similar levels of attraction to NB folks and women, but men... eh. You'd have to be a pretty special guy. I have a lot of issues with the set of sex organs whatever deity or genetic marker decided to give me, but it's not a gender identity thing (sorry- I'm not trying to universally equate being trans with trauma or it just being about your body, I just don't know how to phrase this less awkwardly. Feel free to say if this is a crappy way of putting this). It has a huge amount to do with shame and disgust, the root of which I haven't discovered. It was like this even before I was in an abusive relationship. A doctor once tried to look at a rash I'd developed near my crotch when I was six and I screamed blue murder so he couldn't even have a look. After abusive relationship I thought I might be asexual, or a-spec. I don't think that'd be accurate though, considering it's 100% rooted in trauma. Luckily I mostly don't have any OC-esque hang-ups about being bi (intrusive thoughts or compulsions or whatever). There is a level of shame and not wanting to discuss it though. When I was a younger teen I desperately didn't want to be gay. I didn't hear the words 'trans' or 'bisexual' being used until I was in my mid teens. Half my damn life, I didn't know what LGBT meant, let along non-binary, gender fluidity, pansexuality, etc. I genuinely thought I was gay one moment, straight the next. A lot of early crushes came with serious red flags. As an adult it kinda made me think about whether I was actually crushing on them or just wanted to be treated badly. Had to learn the hard way.
  7. Hi, I'm really sorry you feel this way, I hope if you do make the decision to go to hospital or seek diagnosis it helps you. Diagnosis can be scary, but also a hugely illuminating moment. No one here can diagnose you or say whether or not you are borderline, but you still seem to be struggling really badly. There is a possibility a doctor (or multiple doctors) may not think you fit the criteria. Maybe you fit something else. Regardless, your feelings are real and you deserve to be safe and to have professionals help you figure things out, even if that means being IP for a bit. Sorry, I'm not trying to bring you down or dismiss you, just important to say that things don't necessarily go the way you expect when you seek diagnosis. Shame is definitely something I can relate to, unfortunately it isn't always a healthy or helpful way to process what's happened to us or what we've done. I'd love to say I have a magical shame-healing solution but I still haven't figured it out myself. Perhaps therapy is an option? TL;DR- I hope you're able to get some help in whatever form you feel comfortable with. If being IP is what you need I hope it goes smoothly
  8. personally i felt super unstable after being diagnosed. it did die down after a while. hope therapy and everything else goes well and you have good support there
  9. Like Remnants says, it can depend where you are and who you're seeing. As much as we can sympathise, we can't diagnose. Regardless of whether this is a diagnosis that fits, it still sounds like you're dealing with a lot, so talking to a professional might help. Anecdotally I've also heard that the reason teenagers (under 18) are rarely diagnosed is because puberty and various other things can mimic symptoms. Doesn't mean they aren't real, just why it's rarely diagnosed. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere a young woman had to wait until she was 18 before they considered diagnosing her.
  10. Certified OCPD perfectionist over here haha, a lot of my perfectionism is about having standards so high, not even a deity could reach it. Then, once I inevitably fail to reach those standards, that part of my brain gets to rip me to shreds, reminding me how 'useless' I am. I used to work in catering (well, professional kitchen lets say) and it was the worst possible career choice for me. You are trained to be aware of hazards and germs, but of course in the OCD/OCPD (in my case) mindset, that because 'must avoid any possibility of bacteria to the n-th degree'. I couldn't sleep at night if I hadn't cleaned the counters x times over after working with raw chicken. Completely convinced I would wake up to a salmonella crisis that I'd created. There was also a checking component- do I have enough stock, or too much stock, will bosses be mad, etc. A lot of this stemmed from inexperience and poor management. Unfortunately, I can't tell you how not to be a perfectionist, but I can offer some generic advice? For one thing, setting appropriate boundaries helps. As said, poor management meant that I was given far more responsibility than I should have been at that stage in my career. Pointing out earlier on that this was unreasonable would have helped. I don't know if you work alone or in a team, but maybe getting feedback on what others think of your work would help. A lot of the time, details that seem of vital importance to us are completely overlooked by other people, because all they can see is just... good work. Unfortunately, perfectionism is seen as a 'valuable' trait in employment, because we 'produce' better work. But that doesn't mean shit if it makes you feel like shit. Far better to be happy with yourself than trying to live up to what others want from you. Perfectionism helps fuel the anxiety/depression spiral because it creates impossible goals which will always lead to disappointment. I struggle to accept that I'm just a human being who makes mistakes. Unacceptable! But worrying and focusing on avoiding mistakes leads to bigger problems, one of which being a mood down the toilet and anxiety through the roof because everything becomes about Being Better. I once took half an hour to cut a few carrots because I thought if they were the wrong size I would get fired. Then I panicked because I was taking so long, which would get me fired. I did not get fired, I just got a cigarette break, because... chefs? Gosh sorry for the essay. If it's too long to read I can condense it? (Still trying to appease!)
  11. Ear problems are best taken to the vet, unfortunately. My dog has pseudemona in his and I have to do twice-daily cleans. It's been almost a year and I still have to do it. Returning to OCD, I'm glad you are washing your hands less poem. OCD is all about those small victories. To be honest, the dog actually helped my OCD. I'd have all sorts of germ anxiety about dog drool and that, but he's so cute and I haven't gotten sick from him!
  12. I hope a med adjustment makes things easier. Paranoia and obsessive thinking is no joke
  13. I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. Both are seriously broken. The NHS would be so much better if the effing government gave it more money. But I guess when May et al are too busy chatting with dictators and making sure banks stay in the City, everyone else can go eff themselves. Jeremy Hunt (whose name has an unfortunate rhyme) is the secretary of health and about as popular as the plague. Patient files go missing, junior doctors being screwed over, massive bed shortage. There is an underpopulation of doctors, mostly because they don't get treated properly here. A lot of doctors trained in the UK move to places like Australia, US or France, cause they get treated better. The NHS relies heavily on immigrants and people from the EU who are doctors or nurses. Except now we're leaving the EU and are 'cracking down' on migration (something I completely disagree with for various reasons- Theresa May backed out of a promise to take on more Syrian refugees for one thing)
  14. They'd just refer me I think, unless it was antidepressants which, given past experience, probably wouldn't be a good option
  15. I could go through all the long waiting lists and various referrals, but there's still no guarantee. Right now it's not my biggest priority anyway. I'm pretty sure the psychiatrist would just repeat what my diagnosis guy said and say I'm not bad enough for them, just refer me to more CBT