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ananke

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About ananke

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  1. Both make sense. I did fit 5 symptoms when I was assessed. I think if some big dramatic change happened, I'd probably lapse into symptoms that have mostly gone now. I need to bring this up with my tdoc tomorrow, I keep meaning to but forgetting (there's a lot to talk about). I think there is something in saying 'this diagnosis was useful at the time, but not for who I am right now' though.
  2. My Grandpa Is Dying

    I'm so sorry, hearing a relative has a terminal illness is awful. Totally understandable that this is upsetting and difficult. From my own experiences, when my paternal grandmother was sick, I used to visit her more often than my brothers did (we're her only grandchildren). This was just circumstance- I had a more flexible schedule than they did, and I am the oldest. During her last days she had a whole bunch of problems- kidney failure, heart problems, lung damage, blood clotting. She died in hospital one night of a heart attack, which was really the most painless way she could have gone. She was ready, and I think tired of feeling ill in a way that wasn't going to get better. It was hard hearing she was dead, and the whole grieving process doesn't really go, it gets easier and memories that pop up (especially this time of year) become more happy as time goes on. It's easier to remember her giving me fancy dresses for Christmas and us singing 'Last Christmas' than her funeral. My middle brother felt very guilty about not seeing her (he was meant to see her the day before she passed) but I think she preferred us to remember her as the grandmother who spoilt us with sweets and presents, rather than dying in a hospital bed. Looking for help and advice is pretty understandable in this situation IMO. Are you your grandparents official carer? It sounds cold, but I really hope you make sure to give yourself time as well. Being a carer (having watched my uncle care for my grandmother) can be 24/7, so you need to take time off. There's no shame, nor should there be any guilt about saying 'I can only do so much'. I think the other thing that helps is trying to keep things as normal as possible, especially in how you interact with your grandfather. My dad and uncle used to joke around my grandmother, and she would sigh and scold them like they were kids again. I don't know though, it's really your call to make. It is difficult when it's someone you are so close to. I think it is a real positive that over the last few years you've been able to spend so much time with them. EDIT: in the UK we have specific organisations that help people and their loved ones if someone has been diagnosed with cancer. When my mum got cancer they initially though it might have spread to her liver and got her a consultation with a MacMillan nurse: https://www.macmillan.org.uk/ who was apparently amazing. Their website might be helpful? Maybe there is a similar org in the US?
  3. Urgh, wow that sounds horrible. Sometimes pdocs just sound like production lines, no real understanding, just moving on to the next diagnosis. Of course, there are good ones (I had therapy today and it was great) but shouldn't patience be a pre-requisite for this profession? Glad to hear you seem to be with people who actually want to help. Also I looked at your signature and you have OCPD too?
  4. BPD is so strange. (Not people with BPD- the actual disorder and diagnosis of). It's amazing how pdocs etc tell us frequently about the dangers of over diagnosis or self-diagnosing (even when you are asking for a consultation, not demanding a label). Yet from quite a few cases it seems to just be stuck on people like they have a quota to fill. I haven't SH-ed in years and when I did it wasn't compulsive, more punitive, but there was little consideration for nuance during diagnosis. I find it interesting and sort of sad how many people have said 'it wasn't BPD, it was bipolar/ASD/etc'.
  5. Essentially over the last couple of months I've been really questioning whether or not I actually have BPD. It honestly doesn't seem to fit me anymore and I wonder whether the symptoms I've experienced are better explained by PTSD. Trouble is, I didn't really discuss the trauma following the abusive relationship during my diagnosis, other than mentioning it in passing (which to a psych would probably just sound like general 'relationship difficulties' rather than something to be looked at more in depth). I did (and sometimes still do) experience massive mood swings, but since getting into better therapy and whatnot all the symptoms I attributed to BPD are just not that BPD? Looking at the diagnostic criteria, I fit about 4-5 of them? I certainly have been suicidal/SH in the past, but am currently doing really well and have been for a while. I've never really had any fear of abandonment, and any 'instability' has been because the other person was an abusive stalker. Mood swings, stress, paranoia, intense emotions, and a certain level of impulsiveness are still problems, but the impulsiveness and even fits of anger could be just as much the LD side of things as it could the PD stuff. As for the intense emotions, maybe that's just who I am? And I'm kind of ok with it? I don't think it's a bad thing to be an emotional person. I do think there's a lot I need to work on with regard to self esteem/being taken advantage of, but that again has improved a lot, and I don't think that alone is enough to justify a BPD DX. As for the stress and paranoia, I've always sort of been stressed and paranoid. The paranoia isn't that bad relatively, but I don't think you can have a small army of anxiety disorders and not feel stressed out sometimes TL;DR- has anyone else questioned their BPD, or any PD diagnosis over a period of time? FWIW, the OCPD still fits me to a T sadly, so that's still an ongoing issue.
  6. Have you talked to your friend about this? She might just assume its a one off thing, there might be no expectation of a relationship. Equally, that whole situation might have been a one off thing. Doesn't mean you are a lesbian. TBH research might be helpful- even if you conclude you aren't a lesbian/bi at least you looked into it. Sometimes people just hook up with each other I guess? (Not a big drinker here)
  7. Well if you talk to someone too much then you are 'manipulative' or 'dependent' so... it's a case of picking your battles with professionals like this. The article is bad. It seems to have only lasted a few hours before getting removed. Just disappointing someone signed off on it in the first place. There is actually a lot to be said about how toxic work environments affect mental health. From corporate bollocks (hyper-competitiveness, glass ceilings, discrimination) to small businesses that don't understand how to run themselves effectively (minimum wage or less employees who work full time hours with part time lack of benefits). But saying 'your evil boss has a personality disorder' is just so bad. Imagine how easy it is for some dude working for a 'bitchy' female manager to read this article and conclude that she has NPD/BPD on completely arbitrary generalisations. Then to demean her, publicly or privately. Not to get on my feminist high horse, but BPD especially has heavily gendered implications. The worst thing my personality disorders have made me do at work is let my boundaries be pushed to the point I was volunteering to do unpaid shifts in order to be a 'team player' and relieve myself of self-perceived sins (and also, not communicating this to my bosses). Very coercive and terrible, clearly. This article also makes people with PD's (especially AsPD) sound like we're all just monsters in human suits, waiting to reveal ourselves? Which is very Halloween-y, but inaccurate.
  8. https://www.theguardian.com/careers/2017/oct/25/personality-disorders-psychopath-work-how-to-spot-what-you-can-do *rolls eyes so far back I can see my own thoughts* God, so many things that are wrong. Ensuring people with PD diagnoses shut up about them, encouraging people to armchair diagnose anyone they don't get along with with serious mental illnesses, contributing to the specific stigma Cluster B PD's face, just... incredibly harmful blanket statements. I have never once ignored someone to intimidate them, mostly because 1) not that kind of person and 2) I'm about as intimidating as a bichon frise. Amazing. Does this mean none of us are allowed to work anymore because we are all bullies? Shit, 1-10% of working people had better quit then EDIT: apparently it's been taken down 'pending review', but I got some screen shots
  9. I've got a trauma-versary coming up in about a month, I hope yours just goes and is as manageable as possible. Glad you're able to see your therapist on that day/around that time though, hopefully that'll be a good anchor. Taking the day off sounds like a constructive way to face it
  10. Tbh this post would probably be better in the relationship forum, I don't quite understand why you are posting in the personality disorder forum. Sounds like you are having a rough time though.
  11. What? You were helpful, I was just pointing out that I was aware that learning disorders are not personality disorders
  12. Without wanting to be rude, I was aware of this. The development of my PD's is linked to the fact that I was undiagnosed with dyspraxia. I will look into better coping mechanisms though.
  13. I've been wondering if there is something other than just dyspraxia, but it's not a huge priority and I can't afford to be re-tested for what would really be a shot in the dark. I've been advised against taking psych meds, because a lot of the anxiety and whatnot is rooted in personality disorders :/ I have grip problems so one minute, the glass in my hand is fine, the next it's in pieces on the floor. Figuring out the order things should go in is also difficult, especially with short term memory problems. Like if someone rattles off three different tasks I need to do, I'll maybe remember two of them fine and get stuck on the third, if I remember it at all. By treatment do you mean exercises, or medication?
  14. There are still some triggers of mine that will send me spiralling down. To be honest, doing the whole desensitisation thing helped with a lot of the other triggers. As in, being in therapy and gradually introducing these triggers in a way that I could see coming, then trying to bring me to a place of relative relaxation. I try to distract myself if it's really bad, but I also try to keep my normal routines in. If nothing else, it minimises any 'damage control' after the trigger eases up.
  15. Since I was diagnosed with dyspraxia I feel like a whole chunk of my life I completely ignored now makes sense, and with that comes some clarity into the roots of all my anxiety. The trouble is, that root isn't something I can fix or change. Does anyone else with learning disorders (don't know what the phrase is in the US) have anxiety caused by their LD? Struggles I'm having- Social skills or lack thereof. Some of the social anxiety is because I am actually finding people difficult. I don't always understand their motives, or my speech is funny (dropping or changing sounds, forgetting words mid-sentence), I find even small groups of people overwhelming and large groups almost unbearable. Before my diagnosis I stuck it out because I assumed I was just weird, but now everything almost feels worse because I know what it is. Like a lot of girls/women with LD's I think I present far more socially adept than I actually am because girls are more 'emotionally intelligent'. Anxiety over job performance or work. Forgetting to do assignments or that I'm scheduled in at work is probably the quickest way to get me to have a panic attack. I struggle to organise and manage time but I feel like I overcompensate with the anxiety, so I spend days OCD-checking work schedules or even meeting up with a friend. Instead of having a functional system there's a doubly dysfunctional system which mimics a functional one, if that makes any sense. Finding it difficult to cope with new situations I'm not either fully in control of, or fully educated in. I'm trying to look for a job (which worries me for so many reasons) and also contemplating dating again (after a former abusive relationship) and both feel very over my head at the moment because I don't have much experience at either. Well, I have job experience, but each workplace is different and has different structures and rules and people and blah blah blah. Unless I have a literal manual with every step or question laid out for me, it's difficult. I get the whole 'just having to throw myself out there' but every time I've done that, I got burned badly, so it isn't the most helpful advice. I feel like I've made this post before but can I remember? No
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