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About ananke

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  1. I'm glad you had a good weekend, hopefully that will carry on throughout the week. It's a philosophy I took up after the personality disorder diagnosis once it became clear that 'getting better' was not going to mean 'being 100% mentally healthy'. Sometimes it's the kind of life you want now rather than one you expected for yourself.
  2. Doing badly in an interview where you were massively triggered sounds very understandable. I'm sorry this person triggered this. It is always possible she was genuinely clueless, but that doesn't stop the fact that it clearly sent alarm bells ringing. PTSD completely messed up my ability to trust in peoples humanity, so I feel for you. How are you doing now? FWIW, you can be ok, it just might be a specially tailored to you sort of ok. Currently my version of ok is trying to sit with my back to a window without being convinced people are staring at me :/
  3. iaa, i think this says far more about you being a compassionate, understanding individual than it does about her 'changing'. Abusive people often change. But all that changes is how they abuse, not whether or not they are abusive. She could convert and become the Godliest person on Earth, and still find ways to manipulate you and make you feel bad. Her chronic pain, as horrible as it is, is not your problem. She does not deserve your good heart, because she takes advantage of it, and treats you as an object of attention and comfort. But you are not a walking talking machine that can give her what she wants as long as she dispenses guilt coins into it. You are your own person who deserves mutual respect and care, neither of which she seems capable of giving. I very much recommend no contact, but obviously it's your life and you need to do what's best for you. The prospect of no contact seemed impossible to me when my stalker had a sword of Damocles over me (basically, the ever implicit threat of saying whatever she wanted to smear me). But then I broke off all contact, and it felt shit, but it was so much better. TL;DR: all this talk of forgiveness/peace is just another way to ensure she is absolved of any accountability, and you are kept strung along on the very specific line she wants you to walk. Which is bullcrap, because you are great and deserve better.
  4. I have suicidal thoughts constantly, even though mentally I'm in a much better place than I have been. It's more a sort of habit, but I don't know if that's the right word. Like a mental echo? I was suicidal for so long my brain just doesn't understand yet how not to be suicidal. The intent behind them has definitely subsided, I don't even pay attention to them, they crop up like intrusive thoughts. Like @WinterRosie says I think a lot of it is getting to the core of why it's there. For me at least there were a lot of reasons, some of the more obvious I've been talking about and working on a lot in therapy which has helped. BPD is strange, just when I think I've understood it it changes or twists in some new way :/
  5. *Sigh* anyone else smell another general election in the near future... this is somehow an even less functional coalition than the Lib-Con's. In that relationship at least it was very clear Cameron was just going to completely ignore anything Clegg et al. wanted. This just sort of feels like TM is a hollow sock puppet the Tories are forcing to dance while Brexit negotiations happen. Sure she'll be given the shove soon :/ and Gods help us all if Boris Johnson becomes the PM. Imagine him and Trump together. I don't think British politics has ever taken itself too seriously (barring the two main parties of course). Pitt the Younger was only 24 when he was elected, and is still made fun of now! But yeah, I've only been eligible to vote in the last 6 years and it's been a rollercoaster (nothing I've voted for has gone through lol, apart from local MP. Maybe the universe is telling me something). What are the next generations going to think of us? EDIT: also I think regardless of your political beliefs or side of the pond, we can all agree that things are pretty intense and weird right now. This may just be my 20 something self though
  6. @jt07 yeeup the joys of having third parties
  7. Hearing rumblings that it might be in breach of the Good Friday Agreement... hopefully the BBC is an ok source! This is just... not a coalition I can see lasting. The Tories seem like they're just picking a new leader and letting May take all the blame until they have enough strength to kick her out.
  8. Well, except we now have to look forward to a DUP/Tory coalition. I'm really not up to date with DUP (literally just finished my exams so will do some catching up) but I've heard they are pretty nasty (about some things anyway, but since I'm bi I guess I'm bi-ased). However, I was almost glad I woke up accidentally at 5 am to catch the results. How's everyone feeling?
  9. I hope everyone was able to go out and vote! managed to a get a 'dog at the polling station' snap as well!
  10. Dismantlement of the human rights act, more and more and more cuts to the NHS, benefits, everything. I was horrified that, when asked by someone during a debate about mental health, she responded with 'we need to talk more about it/train teachers to recognise it better'. bullshit. all smoke and mirrors because she knows mental health is fucked. hahaha. sorry im very tired, had a looooong exam today and am bitter i cant stay up and watch the election unfold tomorrow (another exam friday)
  11. To be honest, still sure TM is going to do just fine. Similar thing happened last general election- the polls were really close but ultimately it didn't matter and Cameron won by a landslide. And I'm pretty sure TM is trying to pull a similar 'get rid of the human rights act' schtick that Cameron did. Surveillance 'for our own safety' I guess
  12. I can't focus around other people. Even with noise reducing headphones, the general 'loudness' of people (moving around, making noise, etc) is really distracting. I've had it suggested it to me before and even tried it in study groups at school, but I can't do it! People are just too much haha. Today is a family members birthday so we're going out to eat and I'm allowed to bring my revision notes, so maybe I can try it again? If nothing else, I'm pretty sure my mum is motivated to see me succeed so she won't mind testing me
  13. I was panicking about a recent essay result (the worst I've gotten so far at university) and my mum implied that if I had gone to more tutorials this year, I would have done better. Now I'm really anxious about upcoming exams. Basically, I'm doing an online university and here's how my (non-mandatory) tutorials have broken down: First year: went to most of the offline/in-person tutorials. Found them to be about 90% repetitive of the material we were already given and 10% useful, but really nothing I couldn't have known from asking my tutor. We were also given online tutorials in sort of a group skype-situation (only on the university chatroom thing). Really easy- you just showed up at one of their campuses on the dates they gave you (which were always emailed ahead of time) or did one of the online tutorial follow-ups. Second year: went to slightly fewer. Sometimes I had to leave early because of panic, sometimes because our tutors literally didn't show up. Sort of felt like I was mostly wasting my time! Takes a lot of time (and public transport fares!) to get there, plus I'd sort of need the day to recover because social anxiety/introversion. Similar situation as first year. Third year: complete change of the system. Now you don't get follow up online tutorials, the dates are not emailed to you and you have to register for each tutorial. I also have dyspraxia- organisation is not my strong suit and the whole registering process for no good reason freaked me out. The changes make a lot more sense, but also was hugely stressful. I don't like change and I guess I just felt the whole thing wasn't worth it. Except now because this is the first university year where we are doing exams. I haven't done exams in years and I wish I had gone to some of the tutorials for them. Also worth pointing out- there are about ten or so tutorials or day schools each year. You can usually find tutor notes and stuff on one of the forums. I feel like a big failure. They warn us that people don't do as well in the exams as they do in the marked assignments throughout the year, so I'm just worried these exams are going to bring down my overall grade. Plus, even though I'm going to get more time in the exam (see dyspraxia!) I don't think that'll actually help me because I'm an idiot. I'm revising really hard, I have probably destroyed a small forest with my notes, but I struggle understanding subtleties in questions and I fear I'll have a panic attack in the exams (new situation + social anxiety). Does anyone have any advice for exams and social anxiety? The exams aren't for another two weeks. Sorry for the massive essay, trying to calm myself down I guess.
  14. And Buzzfeed. It's so annoying. Especially when the twitter accounts used go on to say they were never asked permission. If it's just about favourite crisps or something it'd be annoying, but when its about serious personal experiences (like police brutality) its inexcusable. Why is it still happening!
  15. All press has their own biases. TBH the Guardian was the first to pop up that wasn't the Daily Fail (which I have zero time or patience for). I haven't read that opinion piece, so I'll take your word for it. I did hear she mentioned both mental health and learning disabilities though. Also, bit of a tangent but is anyone else fed up with the amount of online articles which are literally just other peoples tweets. Like... I don't want to be rude but it just looks sort of lazy and stealing other peoples opinions without credit or payment.