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About ananke

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  1. haven't had a nightmare in a while :( can't get a good nights sleep this week

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    2. ananke


      any interesting nightmares? mine was a home invasion for some reason

    3. jt07


      Last night I dreamt that I was living in an apartment (in which I used to live in reality)  without paying rent for 3 months. When I realized that oversight, my father and I spent the whole night packing to get out. Yes, it was that long of a stressful dream. It even continued on after I woke up and went back to sleep.

      Your dream sounds scary. I don't have many scary dreams. My dreams are full of anxiety and stress. I used to like scary dreams for the same reason that I like horror movies.

      I do have one eerie recurring dream. It's always about big, Victorian-style houses. I get lost exploring the house and going through the many rooms. No ghosts or ghouls, just a big ol' scary house. And these houses figure into a lot of my dreams.

    4. ananke


      Oh gods, that sounds horrible. At first I thought your dream-self had gamed the system. I hate it when dream moods carry over into reality you know. Yeah some random guys just kept trying to break into our house and one of then cut my Achilles. Maybe too much Tarantino?

      Honestly I have a lot of very surreal-should-be-scary-but-aren't dreams. I once fell off a mountain (made of of those large net jungle gyms that was crawling with monkeys) and into my bed, which I then woke up in. The worst dreams are the realistic ones. I just don't like horror films, too close to PTSD :P 

      Yeah it's strange how sometimes an empty house is worse than a house with something lurking in it. There are a lot of horror/thriller games that are just you exploring an abandoned house. Sounds deeply Freudian somehow

  2. tired of mental illness in media

    The stock photo guy looks like he just hit his head moving into his beautiful flat. In my super depression days it was greasy hair, 100 duvets and a laptop. The ones I've seen for psychosis are weird. Sometimes they try doing a sort of... abstract 'shattered brain' thing. And those are usually better than the 'I have messy hair and a knife guess I must be craaazzyyy'. Maybe this should morph into a 'bad stock images of mental illness' thread Gear, I'm concerned about the sheep to dog ratio, or maybe the sheep to space ratio
  3. The NHS in all it's wonders and weaknesses

    Best: at least they believed I was depressed and anxious, I've never done so well in a test :/ Serotonin withdrawal was a fun experience though, if you like yelling at your boss and blinding headaches. Worst: technically what I saw someone else go through, but personally I also got offloaded to a charity who had never heard of my diagnoses before. Very sweet, not helpful in the long term. Still don't understand how an NHS psych could go 'yeah you have a personality disorder' then just recommend very basic counselling. It really seems like unless your problem is 'I feel slightly sad but honestly a good cup of tea could cheer me up' then you are too difficult and problematic. That's not belittling people who are a bit sad, there's just fucking nothing out there other than the goodwill of charities or the occasional doctor. Or CBT, especially if it's in a group so they can maximise how many people can see two pdocs at one time. Honestly group CBT was nice because I got to talk to other anxious people (like on here) rather than doing any major help, though it did get me out of the house a bit more. I'm glad you have such a good therapist Raspberry, or at least one sympathetic to your financial situation. Early intervention is and should be a priority, at the very least in terms of quality of life and compassion. It also doesn't take a genius to go 'if we invest now people will generally need our services less in the future', but we gotta have austerity I guess. Sorry this stuff always make me angry, you shouldn't have had to go through any of that. Would absolutely walk around with pins in my head Fluent. Maybe it would help my social anxiety?
  4. I've been diagnosed with BPD traits in the past (though it's more likely to be PTSD for various reasons) so I hope you don't mind if I butt in. First I try to get away from a situation when I'm feeling a bit explosive. No point staying if everyone's going to start yelling and getting angry. Usually I don't recommend isolating yourself, but sometimes you need a breather and time to reflect before talking to people. I don't know about you but I generally experienced two kinds of anger- random fits of rage that were emotional instability, and deep seated anger that just bubbled up. If it's random mood swings, I try to let it pass and to wait it out, but if it's a problem that's been on my mind for a while then I talk to my therapist about it. Helped me talk to other people about my issues more calmly and productively. Long term, trying to force myself into more 'grey' thinking has helped, though it's difficult. Part of it is acknowledging that people are rarely heroes or villains, but also that I can have conflicting and messy feelings towards others. Hope some of this has helped.
  5. Emotional Intensity

    I've never heard of Emotional Intensity before? I've heard BPD referred to as Emotionally Unstable PD before which I hated, sounds even worse than BPD in my opinion. Gotta say, I think that mental health professionals should spend more time rebranding how they see PD's rather than renaming them, but if it helps people with personality disorders out...
  6. Fair enough, though I don't think my GP (my tdoc isn't a psychiatrist) would risk it! I might start looking into anti-anxiety medication though. I didn't find anti-depressants helpful at all though, so I'm a bit cautious. Glad stimulants worked for you though. Is that the Ritalin? I have a very poor knowledge of medications
  7. posting in the anxiety forum because its mostly the anxiety holding me back at this point. im looking for jobs (was gonna write a blog post about it but the long and short of it is- im very stressed). at the moment, aside from factors that aren't in my control, my biggest problem is my confidence. which is bad. lack of confidence/low self esteem has royally screwed me over in the past and i've had enough of it. i've definitely improved in the last few years but i'm definitely at my worst at work (ocpd problems). do any other anxious people have any tips for me? things i'm already doing/have tried doing in the past: avoiding self-critical thoughts (as much as possible lol) 'fake it til you make it', which hasn't worked for 10 years so i'm not enamoured to the philosophy remembering that i'm still at the beginning of my career and that everyone has to go through this at some point attempting to be more assertive, which is pretty difficult being honest rather than people pleasing
  8. tired of mental illness in media

    I honestly couldn't get into Jessica Jones, I think because I'm not a big comic book person and I think the show is an adaptation of one? I did find some of the scenes a bit too overwhelming for me, so I feel you there. I'm glad you have found good examples though. Having people with the disorder say that the portrayal is accurate is IMO probably the best barometer for these kinds of things, but everyone experiences their MI's differently. It's interesting how different disorders are written. TBH the only character I've ever felt accurately represented OCPD (without that ever being given as a diagnosis) is Monica from Friends mind you, I shudder to think what some writers would do with that mental illness. I've seen enough terrible examples of PD's to mistrust media representation!
  9. random thought but im kind of tired of seeing mental illness narratives in media for the time being. i dont think they are unimportant or unnecessary, but i rarely walk away from something feeling like it encapsulated the experience of mental illness. its usually one of the following: terribly written and nonsensical written by people who i guess just want to exploit them crazies poorly written and misrepresented by people who don't seem to have experienced it but maybe have good intentions or something well written but spend more time punishing the characters with their own inner demons than actually showing them getting better or, heaven forbid, trying to live a normal life cut and pasted the wiki page of this disorder into the script and i guess thats the research done theres more to it than that- the special episode where someone gets ptsd for half an hour, race/gender tropes (e.g. only thin white girls get eating disorders), praise from people without mental illness that this was such a courageous film/tv show/ etc. this is less a general critique of media and more just me being fed up with it lol. but honestly if anyone has any piece of media that connected with you i'm interested in hearing it, because why not. i thought the way mysterious skin handled the trauma of two young boys to be very realistic, and even though i haven't experienced what they did, it still resonated with me.
  10. I'm glad it got you out of there, sorry I didn't realise that they knew (could be I didn't read the initial post properly). People can certainly be mean and stupid. Unfortunately, it seems to be as much of a desire to avoid admitting they are/were fraternising with an abusive arsehole than it is about genuinely believing abusive arsehole's innocence. Yeah I get that triggers don't always have straightforward rules. I can have whole conversations about a sensitive topic and feel ok, but some vaguely related news item that happens to be on TV can ruin me. At least there are some things, even though they might seem obvious, that you're able to identify. It might sound a bit 'first sign of madness' but I talk to myself about my triggers a lot. Mostly it helps ease the pain when they pop up unexpectedly, but sometimes you can glean some insight into specifically why its so difficult. For me, a particular movie genre is painful because it was used to manipulate me into being more vulnerable and open to certain things. Getting used to trauma is like mental physiotherapy. Got to work on the parts that have been damaged and hurt and make them stronger and more functional. It's less that you get over them and more that this new reality becomes bearable. I don't know if this is a problem for you, but I've found that the more I'm able to handle triggers, the less I'm willing to handle them. Previously I would just barge ahead with anything I knew contained triggering material (podcast, film, article, book, etc) and tell myself I had to get over it. Now, even though the triggers aren't as bad, I do feel more prepared to say 'actually I don't want to do this right now', and find something else.
  11. Unless you've been robbing banks, committing a series of murders or started a war then I'm pretty sure you are worthy of forgiveness, especially from the 'good' side of you. It's not nice having to examine impulsive, inadvisable behaviour and patterns, but working on them makes you feel better in the long run. How many people without mental illnesses can say that? I've found that calling parts of myself 'good' and 'bad' (though this might be a very OCPD thing) doesn't work because there's still a part of me that I think is fundamentally bad. I'm not fundamentally bad, just as flawed as everyone else with some mental health problems to boot. My tdoc and I did something called acceptance and commitment therapy, which was definitely a useful step. Essentially, you learn to focus on and strengthen the traits and qualities about yourself that you like. Sorry, I don't mean to sound like I'm proselytising the good word of therapy, but even though I still treat myself pretty badly at times I'm doing a lot better.
  12. If you aren't ready to tell people about the abuse, do you feel able to tell them that you are going through a rough time and that you need some support? Gaslighting is a nightmare. I found myself compulsively going through every aspect of the relationship to try and make sense of it. Rewriting what happened to make sense with what my ex was accusing me of, while also thinking that it was all completely BS and wasn't true at all. Do you have a specific list of what triggers you? It sucks that I don't have better advice than it gets easier with time, but thats the only thing I can offer. Having to learn to remove yourself from a situation where you feel buttons are being pressed, or just feeling the rage/anxiety/numbness become more bearable.
  13. Yeah I feel like PD's can turn you into a sort of Jekyll and Hyde situation, only you're fully aware of it but just as unable to stop it. I found that I can't cut the bad bits out of me, or run away from them, so I've been trying to either mitigate them or just be kinder to myself in general. Easier said than done, but practising seeing the whole of me as a decent human being rather than as a part time monster has helped my self esteem. Also worth pointing out that mental illness f*cks with your ability to distinguish what you want and what mental illness has persuaded you that you want. The Bad side of you that wants your destruction is sick, literally. It's very painful to reconcile the self hating, self abusing aspects of yourself, because it's strange thinking that you could want such horrible things. I used to day dream about disturbingly violent self harm just to get through the day. It's possible to not be in that place anymore. For me at least it's more like my own true self, with a whole bunch of anxious thoughts and old patterns. TL;DR- I've found that the only way to stop having these two selves is by trying to remember it's all me, and trying to work with the parts that want me to be alive and happy rather than the mental illnesses that wanted me dead.
  14. I get the desire to reconnect and to have all the good parts back. It's worth acknowledging that the good parts can be really good, and that it can be really difficult to give them up. But, and it's a big but, the good times don't redeem the bad. Two rights don't correct a wrong, especially a wrong that involves physical violence. No one can predict what a future relationship between the two of you would look like, but from what you've described already, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to go back to. You can find someone who shares your interests, looks out for you, who also doesn't abuse you and kick you out of the house. Flowers are great, but don't let it cloud your judgement over what else happened. I like the quote in your signature, it's not a failure if you learn something from it. I can't claim my abusive relationship as my failure (since I wasn't the abusive one), but it was definitely a learning experience. The only way you win in this kind of game is by not playing all together. Getting out is the victory. It is hard to move on, but it's worth it.
  15. Why did I only get 5 hours sleep