3xEmonkey

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About 3xEmonkey

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    Not actually a monkey
  • Birthday January 19

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    female
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    Louisiana

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  1. True. Weddings and gym class were embarrassing. The person below me likes to cheat in card games.
  2. Thank you, all. Looks like I need to bite the bullet and embrace the reality of the situation. I'm seeing her for counseling for a reason. And @Wooster is right. In my case it is an important symptom. Maybe I'll approach it as a talking about talking about the topic. This will be a growth spurt if I can manage it. If I can manage it. Baby steps. I won't lie. I'm really just terrified I'll rip off a bandaid to find out I need an amputation.
  3. How honest are you with your counselor/psychologist? I'm asking because, well, you want to be honest and get the benefit of the counseling session. You are not doing yourself any favors by holding back or, worse, lying. Some topics are harder to speak about than others, though. Even when I overshare during manic phases, it is hard to share certain things with people close to me. Strangers on the internet or mild friends can get all the information in embarrassing detail. My spouse and close friends, and even counselor get vague answers. So what do you say? Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? I know why. The why is because deep down in me I know that in a fews weeks the crazy will be gone and I still have to live with these people and my demons. But what cards should I hold close to my chest? I feel like my sex life is my personal business. My counselor doesn't know my preferences, and doesn't need to know. But my sex drive is a red flag in these times. I figured out tonight that she thinks the meds are working- and they are- and that I'm not in a manic episode- which I probably would be if not for the meds. I can feel that second skin underneath. She thinks I'm not manic because I want to keep my secrets. Because I think some things are none of her business. How honest are you?
  4. I think they leave out psychosis sometimes because the general public doesn't understand it as a symptom of bipolar. I get more and more... not angry, sorta upset, mostly disenfranchised when I see MI as a defining character trait on tv. It's something we live with, adjust to, maybe embrace but primarily just do our best to survive. My disorder isn't the reason my husband stays or goes every day. It's not how I keep or lose a job. Has nothing to do with graduating, celebrating, fighting, hurting. Nothing. I mean, sure, I've done some things I regret and am proud of due to all the fun symptoms, but those are mine. I have a history of behaviors and actions healthy sane people don't. But I just hate when tv is like "Oh, she's crazy, and that's why she's selfish, angry, horny, risky, irrational, brave, creative, strong, etc." I'm some of those things some of the time , becaue I'm awesome, not broken. I think they leave out psychosis sometimes because the general public doesn't understand it as a symptom of bipolar. I get more and more... not angry, sorta upset, mostly disenfranchised when I see MI as a defining character trait on tv. It's something we live with, adjust to, maybe embrace but primarily just do our best to survive. My disorder isn't the reason my husband stays or goes every day. It's not how I keep or lose a job. Has nothing to do with graduating, celebrating, fighting, hurting. Nothing. I mean, sure, I've done some things I regret and am proud of due to all the fun symptoms, but those are mine. I have a history of behaviors and actions healthy sane people don't. But I just hate when tv is like "Oh, she's crazy, and that's why she's selfish, angry, horny, risky, irrational, brave, creative, strong, etc." I'm some of those things some of the time , becaue I'm awesome, not broken.
  5. Just a simple idea. I try to do low-energy things when manic. Mostly I read, but some cheap tv helps. These activities sometimes keep me from getting revved up. Like a toy with a pull string, if I don't get it started, it can't go too far. It's not a permanent fix. It helps with the insomnia. And porn. Lots of porn. We're monogamous, so I can't run around and find another. Self service, for me anyway, is a decent way to ensure I'm going to stay clean and safe. I wish my college self had this info.
  6. 1/2 quetiapine 25mg as needed 1 hydroxyzine hcl 50mg twice daily as needed 1 levothyroxine 25mcg daily 1 bupropion xr 150mg daily 3 lithium carbonate 300mg daily 1 seroquel xr 150mg daily There's a birth control pill, too, but not on me now. As an aside, I like to challenge myself to see how many pills I can take in one swallow. With or without water sometimes. Not everything is taken at the same time, but I am up to five pills in my achievement.
  7. I'm with LMoS on this. When my sex drive turns up, I watch a lot of porn and masturbate. I won't lie. I've had issues with it, like absolutely needing to find sexual release several times a day, even at work. It's inappropriate, but I do my absolute best to behave. Even driving. I've had to pull over and either finish on the shoulder (so dangerous, don't attempt) or pretend to stop for gas and handle it there. But porn and self service really help. I'm in a married monogamous relationship. He enjoys the so-called perks of the situation, but he understands that it's not a good place to be- I end up with a lot of shame and guilt. Still though, be honest with your partner. Explain that you aren't looking to make a booty call- he/she doesn't need to come satisfy your symptoms. I like to keep my sexual relationship with my husband separate from my broken brain's sexual relationships. I'm not sure my husband gets how bad it is for me- at least in my mind- but he knows that there's a sexy side to me and a sick side. My ill side really loves porn.
  8. I am a warranty clerk for car dealerships. I have held other positions for our business group- cashier and accounting clerk. This one suits me best. I have a lot of independence, but more importantly I am alone. My boss is a big reason why I am successful here. He's fine with me and my hours as long as my work is done. Since the meds started, I am not the early bird I loved being. But he also lets me work through lunch so I can still leave at a decent time. Working with customers or working with others on a team or in a crowded office was a nightmare. Led to anxiety, drinking, cutting. Ugh. No thanks. I sit alone and work. Sometimes I goof off, but there's not a lot to do here, so I work. And I get to leave early for tai chi. I can work Saturday if necessary. Just having a boss who is accepting is great.
  9. I miss being manic. And then all of a sudden I don't. I forget how inconvenient it is. I have to go to work. No, I can't masturbate at work. No, well, yes, I do anyway. 

    Oh, and how about that oversharing? Fucking awesome.

    And I feel sticky and puffy. I feel like I am in heat and that's not okay.  And I really just want to go home and drink. 

    I forgot just how bad manic can be.

  10. Thanks, all. I told my counselor who then took away the sharp object in my purse and called my husband. I was offered the chance to go to a hospital, but turned it down. If you ask me, I have bigger problems than self-harm. But I guess I can't get to them if I don't work on cutting out the bullshit. Gonna try very very VERY hard to skip the sharps and work on the depression. yay.
  11. Based on what you said, I'm with melissaw72 on stepping down. I know my doc treated me like I was a delicate flower and took me down ever so slowly. But- and I'm certainly not an expert on the chemical cocktail side of the crazybrain- 7-10 days seems fast to me. Though, I probably wouldn't know my pills from one another if it weren't for the pretty colors. That being said, my doc replaced Lamictal with Lithium and that seems to be okay. Not sure how it fits into your history or limitations, but it's pretty solid.
  12. 150 xr here. I haven't had any issues with weight that were seroquel related. Welbutrin got me instead. I do get terrible headaches from it, though. Was told it would subside, but not yet in two years. I have a lot of trouble keeping a regular schedule because sometimes life happens. For that my doc was thoughtful enough to give me a prescription for 15 100mg regular seroquel a month, for when I can't take the med at 7pm or have to drive or what have you. I also have 25s I take as needed for anxiety. I prefer the xr because I feel like a person for more hours of the day. My husband thinks seroquel is a magical wonder pill for my mood and sleep habits. But he married a crazy person, so his judgment is questionable. I think he is happier when I take the xr because it means I am being more proactive in handling the disorder. It means I have to plan an evening and act like a responsible adult, rather than just popping a pill at the last minute just to counteract agitation.
  13. I unpacked the last box of books and got them all on the shelf. Finally. Now to dismantle them as I rearrange, sort, and set some aside to hide on my nightstand and find when we move again.
  14. I'm on meds and still occasionally a horrible person. Trust me, if someone isn't a regular at the job, they feel absolutely disgusted with themselves. I feel exactly as the woman you have in question. I'm with @melissaw72 on keeping it superficial at first. A quick list on considerations: Neither of you are the same person anymore. Maybe she didn't know about her illness before. But maybe she is still tweaking her meds and might be a bit wonky for a few weeks. And god knows how long it's been for you two, but I sometimes enjoyed re-making my friends every couple of years. Cuts down on the anxiety of strangers. Most people aren't totally bad. It's okay to struggle with friends. No one is perfect. And she might be sorry, wanting the door open a crack back to normalcy. I know the first couple of people I told went was sort of like what she did- quick mention, guage reaction, move along and think for weeks. Unless you two both have too many friends and you couldn't possibly squeeze another in (curse you, if so), then throw caution to the wind and see if you get a friend out of it. You could be besties, you could be just people who see each other at other peoples' homes. It's okay to be either. There is a whole spectrum of friendship, and each variety is a good one. I love my surface friends. It's like having a playground that's always sunny. Full of dirt in weird places, but I get to go home so who cares! It is hard to rebuild a friendship on social clues and misunderstood signals. Use words, use precise words. But this isn't an intervention. Be okay saying "I'm sorry we grew apart, we just turned into two very different people." And be okay with the non-apology-apology "Yeah, I wasn't in a good place then." But other than that, be honest and move forward with a positive attitude about the fact that you two are acting like adults, and already that's better than most people. And the number one golden rule most important thing is do not define her by this illness. Unless it magically pertains to the conversation (and in a kind way), don't call her "my bipolar friend" or assume that being bipolar makes her an expert on it. Hell, we're all here because none of us have our shit together. Treat it like she has diabetes or a missing toe and not a stamp on her forehead in blinking neon. It's cool to watch for signs and back off when she gets wonky. But don't call her on it unless you feel she is in immediate danger. And don't assume. My dog was sick for a week and everyone wanted to talk to me about my depression getting out of control. Not even close. She doesn't have a crazy thermometer and you are just re-meeting her, anyway. In all, I say go for it. What do you lose? A non-friendship with someone probably unstable? Okay. But what could you gain? Well, if a friend isn't enough, then ugh. Maybe she is a good conversationalist, or reads good books, or needs a jogging partner but not a shoulder to cry on. Be a friend either way.
  15. I only made it to 200 with lamictal before it quit on me, so not a ton of experience. I think your doc is right, first. Maybe the first step down wasn't long enough. If there wasn't enough time to go from 400 to 350, perhaps the second step to 300 was pretty much the same as going from 400 to 300. And maybe that spiraled you into thought #2: It could be a simple case of "yeah, this med helps that" mixed with a more severe instance of depression. If you're used to 4-5 bad days as normal, maybe you are just having a really terrible episode that you aren't used to. Brains are assholes. And probably, as what happened with me, maybe discuss adding an antidepressant to the regimen, instead of going to nothing and then adding one. I wasn't on an antidepressant when I was on lamictal, but it was added on the way down. Like a safety parachute, I didn't just smash to rock bottom. I mean, I went there for a bit, but I lived. Body chemistry and cocktails are a silly thing. My first doc was so new and fresh out of school, she was convinced everything took a minimum of 90 days to adjust. And I kinda like that rule. Took forever. But slow and steady and all that.