3xEmonkey

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About 3xEmonkey

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    Not actually a monkey
  • Birthday January 19

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    female
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    Louisiana

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  1. When my psychiatrist quit, I had no idea. I was assigned another one, who will very likely leave me. It's one of those programs where the doctors are all residents. I walked in, and the lady at the desk told me the doctor left. Wasn't a big deal. I see the psychiatrist for meds. As long as the meds work, all she needs to do is write prescriptions. I do like that she's nice. So now my counselor quit and I only cry when I think about it. Five years. I had her before either psychiatrist. She closed the doors. No more patients. Doing her own thing now. That's awesome. She referred me to another whom she knows personally and met while working together. I'm sure because she's sure I'll be fine. But I was already perfectly fine and dandy, and didn't really see the need for her to leave and for me to see a new lady. What am I supposed to do? The appointment is scheduled. This woman is, as long as we get along, my new counselor. It's a whole new person I am supposed to trust off the bat, and confide in. I'm supposed to assume she knows what she's doing. We're starting on our third date here, and I'm the only one in the relationship freaking out. If you've done this before, what's the easiest way to start over? I know she's a different person, and it will be like starting from scratch for me. Old counselor sent her notes and talked about me. I'm going in blind and she is not, but it's not about her.... so, okay?
  2. I can't do nothing anymore. Even when I try.

  3. I'm not a expert. I only barely understand what's going on with me. Two concerning things have happened recently, and I'd like some input and info on how to handle this. 1) My 20 yo nephew went through a bad break up. First love, first heartbreak, that kind of bad. I feel like I was the only one who took him seriously. I guess I'm the only person in the family who remembers being 21 and crying til' ya' vomit. He tried to cut himself, but he's just not that guy. I talked to him for hours. I called him a couple of times every day. And every time he said he was depressed, I rolled my eyes and corrected him- he's dealing with grief. His was a temporary situation created by a traumatic change. His went away in 8 days. He was still sad, but healing. As hearts do. Now he's much better. 2) My best friend's 12 yo daughter has labeled herself depressed. My friend "Jane" monitors the google hangout "Anne" has with her friends. Anne and company have recently begun discussions regarding depression, ADHD, pansexuality, bisexuality, and identifying as agender and/or transgender. Anne calls herself pansexual, agender, and depressed. She's 12. I'm not trying to discredit her. She might identify as pansexual and agender. I don't think she really does, but I'm not entrenched in her personal life, and I wouldn't know how to immediately recognize those traits in a person. I do, however, firmly believe she does not have depression. Jane thinks she's 12 and freaking the fuck out like girls do. This kid isn't depressed. And not, you know, in the way that adults just ignore teen complaints. Not in the way people shrug things off. Jane and I are very good friends, and being able to live with, deal with, and identify mental illness symptoms plays a role in it. We're pretty sure these girls are just reaching for labels to find any way to identify with big concepts. They don't have sex lives. Their bodies and minds are trying to pick a direction. It seems like Anne is picking a destination, and probably for something a little less than attention but almost. So how do you talk to people, especially teens, about these things? My nephew will never learn. He will cling to depression like it is his favorite shirt. Some people are fine with being corrected about using depressed. (No, I don't correct everyone. Just the obviously nots.) How do you explain to a child that depression is a very serious condition, and that idly picking it like a lipstick color, trivializes it? Or how adopting LGBTQ labels from an already struggling community minimizes their very real concerns? She's 12 and desperate for an identity she can show her friends. I'm scared that explaining depression symptoms would only give her something to embrace, some new ways to behave to drive the point home. Jane and I don't want this girl to act it out only to become it. How can we talk to her about depression in other people?
  4. True. Weddings and gym class were embarrassing. The person below me likes to cheat in card games.
  5. Thank you, all. Looks like I need to bite the bullet and embrace the reality of the situation. I'm seeing her for counseling for a reason. And @Wooster is right. In my case it is an important symptom. Maybe I'll approach it as a talking about talking about the topic. This will be a growth spurt if I can manage it. If I can manage it. Baby steps. I won't lie. I'm really just terrified I'll rip off a bandaid to find out I need an amputation.
  6. How honest are you with your counselor/psychologist? I'm asking because, well, you want to be honest and get the benefit of the counseling session. You are not doing yourself any favors by holding back or, worse, lying. Some topics are harder to speak about than others, though. Even when I overshare during manic phases, it is hard to share certain things with people close to me. Strangers on the internet or mild friends can get all the information in embarrassing detail. My spouse and close friends, and even counselor get vague answers. So what do you say? Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? I know why. The why is because deep down in me I know that in a fews weeks the crazy will be gone and I still have to live with these people and my demons. But what cards should I hold close to my chest? I feel like my sex life is my personal business. My counselor doesn't know my preferences, and doesn't need to know. But my sex drive is a red flag in these times. I figured out tonight that she thinks the meds are working- and they are- and that I'm not in a manic episode- which I probably would be if not for the meds. I can feel that second skin underneath. She thinks I'm not manic because I want to keep my secrets. Because I think some things are none of her business. How honest are you?
  7. I think they leave out psychosis sometimes because the general public doesn't understand it as a symptom of bipolar. I get more and more... not angry, sorta upset, mostly disenfranchised when I see MI as a defining character trait on tv. It's something we live with, adjust to, maybe embrace but primarily just do our best to survive. My disorder isn't the reason my husband stays or goes every day. It's not how I keep or lose a job. Has nothing to do with graduating, celebrating, fighting, hurting. Nothing. I mean, sure, I've done some things I regret and am proud of due to all the fun symptoms, but those are mine. I have a history of behaviors and actions healthy sane people don't. But I just hate when tv is like "Oh, she's crazy, and that's why she's selfish, angry, horny, risky, irrational, brave, creative, strong, etc." I'm some of those things some of the time , becaue I'm awesome, not broken. I think they leave out psychosis sometimes because the general public doesn't understand it as a symptom of bipolar. I get more and more... not angry, sorta upset, mostly disenfranchised when I see MI as a defining character trait on tv. It's something we live with, adjust to, maybe embrace but primarily just do our best to survive. My disorder isn't the reason my husband stays or goes every day. It's not how I keep or lose a job. Has nothing to do with graduating, celebrating, fighting, hurting. Nothing. I mean, sure, I've done some things I regret and am proud of due to all the fun symptoms, but those are mine. I have a history of behaviors and actions healthy sane people don't. But I just hate when tv is like "Oh, she's crazy, and that's why she's selfish, angry, horny, risky, irrational, brave, creative, strong, etc." I'm some of those things some of the time , becaue I'm awesome, not broken.
  8. Just a simple idea. I try to do low-energy things when manic. Mostly I read, but some cheap tv helps. These activities sometimes keep me from getting revved up. Like a toy with a pull string, if I don't get it started, it can't go too far. It's not a permanent fix. It helps with the insomnia. And porn. Lots of porn. We're monogamous, so I can't run around and find another. Self service, for me anyway, is a decent way to ensure I'm going to stay clean and safe. I wish my college self had this info.
  9. 1/2 quetiapine 25mg as needed 1 hydroxyzine hcl 50mg twice daily as needed 1 levothyroxine 25mcg daily 1 bupropion xr 150mg daily 3 lithium carbonate 300mg daily 1 seroquel xr 150mg daily There's a birth control pill, too, but not on me now. As an aside, I like to challenge myself to see how many pills I can take in one swallow. With or without water sometimes. Not everything is taken at the same time, but I am up to five pills in my achievement.
  10. I'm with LMoS on this. When my sex drive turns up, I watch a lot of porn and masturbate. I won't lie. I've had issues with it, like absolutely needing to find sexual release several times a day, even at work. It's inappropriate, but I do my absolute best to behave. Even driving. I've had to pull over and either finish on the shoulder (so dangerous, don't attempt) or pretend to stop for gas and handle it there. But porn and self service really help. I'm in a married monogamous relationship. He enjoys the so-called perks of the situation, but he understands that it's not a good place to be- I end up with a lot of shame and guilt. Still though, be honest with your partner. Explain that you aren't looking to make a booty call- he/she doesn't need to come satisfy your symptoms. I like to keep my sexual relationship with my husband separate from my broken brain's sexual relationships. I'm not sure my husband gets how bad it is for me- at least in my mind- but he knows that there's a sexy side to me and a sick side. My ill side really loves porn.
  11. I am a warranty clerk for car dealerships. I have held other positions for our business group- cashier and accounting clerk. This one suits me best. I have a lot of independence, but more importantly I am alone. My boss is a big reason why I am successful here. He's fine with me and my hours as long as my work is done. Since the meds started, I am not the early bird I loved being. But he also lets me work through lunch so I can still leave at a decent time. Working with customers or working with others on a team or in a crowded office was a nightmare. Led to anxiety, drinking, cutting. Ugh. No thanks. I sit alone and work. Sometimes I goof off, but there's not a lot to do here, so I work. And I get to leave early for tai chi. I can work Saturday if necessary. Just having a boss who is accepting is great.
  12. I miss being manic. And then all of a sudden I don't. I forget how inconvenient it is. I have to go to work. No, I can't masturbate at work. No, well, yes, I do anyway. 

    Oh, and how about that oversharing? Fucking awesome.

    And I feel sticky and puffy. I feel like I am in heat and that's not okay.  And I really just want to go home and drink. 

    I forgot just how bad manic can be.

  13. Thanks, all. I told my counselor who then took away the sharp object in my purse and called my husband. I was offered the chance to go to a hospital, but turned it down. If you ask me, I have bigger problems than self-harm. But I guess I can't get to them if I don't work on cutting out the bullshit. Gonna try very very VERY hard to skip the sharps and work on the depression. yay.
  14. Based on what you said, I'm with melissaw72 on stepping down. I know my doc treated me like I was a delicate flower and took me down ever so slowly. But- and I'm certainly not an expert on the chemical cocktail side of the crazybrain- 7-10 days seems fast to me. Though, I probably wouldn't know my pills from one another if it weren't for the pretty colors. That being said, my doc replaced Lamictal with Lithium and that seems to be okay. Not sure how it fits into your history or limitations, but it's pretty solid.
  15. 150 xr here. I haven't had any issues with weight that were seroquel related. Welbutrin got me instead. I do get terrible headaches from it, though. Was told it would subside, but not yet in two years. I have a lot of trouble keeping a regular schedule because sometimes life happens. For that my doc was thoughtful enough to give me a prescription for 15 100mg regular seroquel a month, for when I can't take the med at 7pm or have to drive or what have you. I also have 25s I take as needed for anxiety. I prefer the xr because I feel like a person for more hours of the day. My husband thinks seroquel is a magical wonder pill for my mood and sleep habits. But he married a crazy person, so his judgment is questionable. I think he is happier when I take the xr because it means I am being more proactive in handling the disorder. It means I have to plan an evening and act like a responsible adult, rather than just popping a pill at the last minute just to counteract agitation.