empty inside

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About empty inside

  • Rank
    Anhedonia's Bitch
  • Birthday 12/18/95

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  • Gender
    female
  • Location
    New Zealand

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  1. i'm currently reading "a monster calls" by Patrick Ness and "song of two worlds" by Alan Lightman. both are really good so far. i have a whole bookshelf full of books i still need to get through. it's gonna take me a while.
  2. i started noticing it a few months ago when i started taking quetiapine and amitriptyline together. basically i feel as though i'm constantly shaking slightly whenever i lie down, but i'm not shaking, there is no physical movement involved, i just feel as though i am, and it only happens when i'm lying down. not when i'm sitting, or standing, only lying down. it's starting to get really irritating, but i don't know if it is a side effect of anything or not, the timing could be a coincidence or my memory could be wrong. also it did start just after we had an earthquake here, which i did feel but only slightly. (it was strong enough to move my bed a little, which is on wheels, but not enough to actually move anything else around). so i don't know. has anyone else experienced anything like this? (med related or not) (also, sorry if this is in the wrong board)
  3. this happens to me all the time, but i don't have schizophrenia. i often forget what i'm doing while i'm doing it or i'll forget what i'm thinking as i'm thinking or talking and if you ask me what i was doing yesterday i wouldn't know but if you reminded me i'd then be able to give details. memory is confusing and stupid and annoying but unfortunately necessary.
  4. Improvement.

    I've been pretty stable for a while now, and by a while I mean like 3 months. It's been really really nice. I'm pretty sure it's because of the meds that I'm on (25mg of quetiapine and 20mg of amitriptyline) I'm only on them to help with my sleep, but i think that getting more sleep has greatly improved both the quality and stability of my mood. I've even been able to concentrate a little bit more (not a huge deal more but it's an improvement) I've even started reading again. I also actually have some motivation now, i still struggle with overcoming boredom but motivation doesn't seem like such a huge road block anymore. I'm actually looking forward to this year. I might actually get somewhere with my studies (i changed to english) provided i did the application right....... and i'm already on my way to making new friends which i didn't even know i was capable of, and..... AND...... on the very first day this year i was asked out ON A DATE by a cute guy that seems really cool. things are already looking up and i'm actually confident that my mood will remain stable. this is the year i may finally get my shit together. maybe. fingers crossed.
  5. the thing i've never figured out (for me) is did my social anxiety come first or was it my self esteem issues? am i socially anxious because i have next to no self esteem? or do i have next to no self esteem because my social anxiety makes me focus on everything i'm doing wrong in social situations?
  6. the only thing that gets me with microwaveable meals is that they usually have a lot more calories than you'd think, and even though getting lots of calories in with smaller portions can be a good thing, my mind has settled on "all microwaveable food is bad" so it can still be difficult. if you know of any lower cal microwaveable meals that would be great. i can definitely see the benefits of being able to eat an entire meal quickly with little time to obsess over what's in it.
  7. I went to make an appointment with my GP last week to renew my prescription for amitriptyline and quetiapine but he was fully booked until early next year so instead i got an appointment with a different doctor. This one actually knew what the fuck he was doing. He renewed my prescription and increased the amitriptyline to 20mg which was great, what made the appointment especially helpful was that he actually listened when i told him about my anxiety issues and expressed genuine concern over my self-harm (whereas my GP doesn't seem to care unless i'm suicidal). he suggested that, because my anxiety only causes major problems around tests and exams that i could come back once uni starts again next semester and try a short term anti-anxiety med (no point now since i'm on holiday) and he also sent a referral to the clinic i saw after i went IP in 2014 (ie the only people i actually liked and the only people who have ever been remotely useful) i know there's a huge waiting list but i'm hoping that since i've been with them before, other places haven't worked and i have a referral i might be bumped up a few places on the list. He also said i should go back if my mood dips again. i know it sounds like a run-of-the-mill kind of appointment for this kind of stuff but after the completely unhelpful sessions with my therapist (who didn't think my anxiety was a problem at all, and never asked about my SI) and my 'clueless about mental health' GP, i feel like someone finally fucking listened to me and actually made steps to properly help me. All i need now is to actually get into uni next year and not lose my mind over the Christmas period. Fingers fucking crossed.
  8. the only problem is i either work full time or go to uni full time so i only ever have one day a week where i'd have enough time, but it would be interesting to see if it helps at all.
  9. about 5-6 with medication and around 2-3 without medication (on average) and i don't nap, i just cannot get to sleep during the day and i'm worried that if i start napping i'll have even more problems sleeping at night.
  10. i'm open to giving internet hugs if anyone wants one (despite them being 'lame') but yeah, i wouldn't turn down a real hug right now either. i'm glad to see that you're using therapy approved alternatives, hopefully your urges subside soon.
  11. i think i read somewhere that in very rare cases it can develop into schizophrenia or psychosis, but for the vast majority of people it's harmless. since i've learned about what it is though, i struggle to think of how other people don't do it, like, it just seems so normal
  12. it took me a while to finally cave and actually participate in all the mindfulness stuff, it sounds ridiculous but it really does help.
  13. he was sick, he was old, it was his time to go. i know it hurts losing him, but you did the right thing, you prevented a lot of suffering and potentially pain. just try to remember the good times. and also remember, you did the right thing, you did nothing wrong.
  14. @sharplittlefingers welcome to CB, honestly about 6 months ago i could've written exactly that (well except that i'm a 20yo girl). being recognized as having "borderline traits" rather than borderline personality disorder can be a pain in and of itself, it's harder when you throw the big black dog into the mix and then SI on top of that. keep continuing to fight, and know that you're very welcome here and your big black dog certainly won't be lonely either, many of us have one too. (also, DBT really helped me and i hope you like it too)
  15. i thought i was bat shit crazy before i learnt it's name. i've been doing it for years, sometimes it's the only thing that actually gets me through the day.