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pixiestarr

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About pixiestarr

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  1. I'm on Brintellix 20my and abilify10mg I've been trying to lose weight for over 7mths now. I go to the gym 4days a weeks, tried low carb diet, and currently just counting calories AGAIN. I want to lose about 20-25lbs but I just jump around the same 7lbs. I've been tested for thyroid issues and all was good. I'm getting so very frustrated. All this work and no results. Anyone out there been where I am? Did you figure out how to break the weight loss stall?
  2. So I've been in treatment for 2 years and still don't feel like I'm any closer to getting better. Dr. Has mentioned treatment resistance. My mom bought a TDCS machine for me to try at home. I had mentioned it to my previous Dr a few months ago and she Didn't seem to know anything. And I switched Drs cause I wasn't mixing well with the last and completely forgot to ask my new Dr. So has anyone tried this and seen any type of results? (tDCS is a minimally invasive form of brain stimulation that does not induce seizures. During tDCS, a weak, direct electrical current (1 to 2 mA) is applied using 2 scalp surface electrodes that are covered by sponges and soaked in saline. )
  3. We have tried a few different meds. Im really sensitive to meds which is why I'm also upset about my pdoc not resubmitting my paperwork for the TMS. I see her tomorrow though so Im sure some sort of adjustment will be made.. I need something good for anxiety, depression, and possibly OCD since the thoughts of leaving are basically obsessive thoughts. once they start they dont stop. The only meds ive ever tried with out horrific side effects is the meds im on now, and i did really well for a couple months. Thoughts of leaving werent there, constant feelings of doom were not there and i had no trouble getting out of bed to do life. didnt feel like i was constantly on the verge of a panic attack.
  4. Unfortunately I don't do well in IP. Been IP a couple times and I always feel worse then better.
  5. yes, The thoughts were never there until the episode started at the end of June 2 yrs ago. We have done some counseling together, the issue is finding someone to watch the kids while we go. so mostly I go alone every week. I dont want a divorce. actually the thought of that scares me. Just want to be on my own for a bit I suppose. Its not like im looking for anyone else. Thank you all for your words to encourage me to stay. I needed to hear them. Im sure its not broken beyond repair, as we never argue and we still have the friendship.
  6. I had about a 2 month period when I thought we had figured out my meds and was feeling rather "normal" Well now i been crashing, and it got worse about 4 days ago... If anyone has read any of my previous post one of my biggest things that comes with my crashes is wanting to leave my husband. Again he is an AMAZING person, loving, supportive, loyal. I dont desire a divorce (though i often think that would be the fairest thing for him even though I know he doesnt want it either) I HATE MYSELF for these thoughts. I HATE MYSELF SO BAD. Id gladly deal with most anything else then wanting to leave him like this. Its so much harder this time. Maybe because its been so long since Ive felt this way.. I cant pinpoint why i want to leave except maybe because I want to be alone. But we have 2 young kids and I have no ways of supporting myself so im stuck... Ive often thought id be content to live in a tiny home on the same property as he. I havent felt "in love" with him for nearly 2 years now. But I do love him dearly, I still consider him my best friend. Id worry so bad if I left, and I know id be sick with jealousy if he moved on with someone else despite me also thinking he would have a happier life. I wrote him a very LONG letter about how I feel, and it included everything.. He didnt say anything but he did look hurt. who wouldnt? I even told him this time I wished something would just happen to me so he could grieve and move on. The only reason I wont entertain the thoughts of ending it myself is the kids and him. Im also frustrated that my dr. had agreed that TMS but the one place she submitted my info to turned me down because of my drinking... Ive nearly quit now so I can get this treatment as im so sensitive to meds yet she hasn't updated my info or resubmitted me nor has she tried submitting my info to the other office that does it. My councilor recommended me call her and see her sooner but my appt is tuesday and my daughter has her recitals this week so I didnt call since we are so busy.. I dont know what to do anymore... I want to leave so bad, but I truly have no idea if that would solve a damn thing. I guess I need someone that has felt this way to give me some hope that things will get better, or at least fade away and our marriage will remain intact. Or just tell me not to leave because it will make it worse.... I just dont know what I need anymore....
  7. So I finally talked myself into starting the med. I took my 1st dose on Friday. So far only some slight increase in my anxiety in the evening (about 6 hours after taking my dose) and ive been EXTREMELY sleepy the last 2 days now. Like yesterday I slept til noon since hubby was home, got up took the kids sledding since we finally got some snow, then came home heated up something for dinner, then crashed in bed around 6:45. Had some weird dreams (thankfully not bad, just odd) and I had a hard time getting up this morning with the kids this morning. Cant stop yawning. Its weird cause the Dr. said this tends to be a slightly uplifting med and to take it in the morning. But if needed I could take at night. Im thinking im going to switch it to night and see if this helps. I cant be this out of it. Hope the drowsiness and anxiety goes away... Its making miss my brintellix already.
  8. My Dr wants to switch me to Cymbalta from Brintellix. Ugh. I should of never went reading up on this med. Now I have myself all psyched out about trying it. Anxiety is rising. All my friends and family are telling me to give it a shot and I'm so scared if I try it and it doesn't work I'm gonna have to A. Have to deal with whatever crazy side effects from actually being on it. Then B. My biggest fear, possibly have a complete mental breakdown caused by the withdrawal and leave my husband(that's a constant demon I've been fighting only since I've become depressed and I know it will cause more damage to leave cause he is loving, loyal, and trying his hardest to support me through All this) I'm so torn on what to do. Cause I want this depression/anxiety to end, I've gotten worse the last few weeks yet my intense fear of trying new meds is driving my anxiety through the roof. Seriously think this could be considered a phobia. My heart is racing, I'm shaking. Ive had the rx filled since last Fri. and i cant bring myself to take it. I keep freaking myself out about it. And yet the logical side of me is saying none of the other combo's of meds have worked and you are getting tired and need some relief. And even though you are comfortable with the brintellix it's just not doing enough and nothing you have tried with it has worked. Time to move on. This isn't the 1st time I've done this. It took me 2month to fill my first brintellix rx. And every add-on I tried with it I debated for days before I took, but since it was always with the brintellix I felt I had a safety net. Now since I'm getting rid of the brintellix I guess is why I'm freaking out so bad. Brintellix has been the only MI med i have ever taken(as of yet) I have had a positive reaction to. Its just not enough and nothing mixed with it works. Any suggestions, advice, encouragement? I really need to figure out something. If I didnt have 2 kids to care for Im sure I wouldnt leave the bed all day. I normally love to cook, and now even thinking of coming up with something for dinner feels overwhelming. I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear... AND still Im legitimately petrified to change meds. I've had such bad side effects/reactions in the past. And now im on something that hasnt reacted bad, its just not doing enough... Its so unfair.
  9. Ive recently developed this wanting to run thoughts with this recent depression. Its making me want to run/leave my husband. For no good reason other then just ME wanting to run. Unlike your mom, he doesnt say anything. I am very sorry you have to deal with that. I can imagine that makes it a million times harder to stay. I understand you dream to live in a little house with a big yard with no one around. Thats my dream to run to, only I have 2 small kids so I would bring them with me and the only people that would know where i was would be my parents, my Aunt (she is like a second mother) and my husband. The feelings are frustrating for me because I dont want to rip my family apart but the feelings are SO strong. there are days where the thoughts about leaving are all consuming. I do also recommend getting a tdoc if you dont have one to help you work through your feelings since your family doesnt seem to be very understanding of you.
  10. Ugh. I should of never went reading up on this med. Now I have myself all psyched out about trying it. Anxiety is rising. All my friends and family are telling me to give it a shot and I'm so scared if I try it and it doesn't work I'm gonna have to A. Have to deal with whatever crazy side effects from actually being on it. Then B. My biggest fear, possibly have a complete mental breakdown caused by the withdrawal and leave my husband(that's a constant demon I've been fighting only since I've become depressed and I know it will cause more damage to leave cause he is loving, loyal, and trying his hardest to support me through All this) I'm so torn on what to do. Cause I want this to depression/anxiety to end, yet my fear of trying new meds is driving my anxity through the roof. Seriously think this could be considered a phobia. My heart is racing, I'm shaking. And I'm not even suppose to take it at night so it would be tomorrow morning when I start it, yet I'm freaking out now. And yet the logical side of me is saying none of the other combo's of meds have worked and you are getting tired and need some relief. And even though you are comfortable with the brintellix it's just not doing enough and nothing you have tried with it has worked. Time to move on. This isn't the 1st time ice done this. It took me 2month to fill my first brintellix rx. And every add-on I tried with it I debated for days before I took, but since it was always with the brintellix I felt I had a safety net. Now since I'm getting rid of the brintellix I guess is why I'm freaking out so bad. Any suggestions, advice, encouragement?
  11. I've been on brintellix for about a year and a half with one short gap where I tried viibryd(horrible). Brintellix helps but not enough and I'm so sensitive to meds that everything we have tried with the brintellix to augment it has been a flop. (Brintellix has been the only med I have ever had a positive reaction to, everything else I've ever tried I've had major side effects, or no results) so My Dr wants me to try cymbalta. I've tried so many different antidepressants in the past with such negative reactions I have almost a phobia of trying new meds, but my depression is so bad right now I agreed to switch meds. Then I got home and read cymbalta can be HELL to withdrawal from. She knows how sensitive I am to meds so started me on 20mg of it to see how I react. I just want to hear from some if y'all that have actually experienced cymbalta and can give me your take on it. I really need something to start working well. Its been 2 years now and the brintellix helped for a bit but these last couple weeks have been hell. And I'm getting tired... Tired of this. Tired of the depression, tired of trying. Just tired.
  12. So back in Nov my Dr got a new job at a hospital in Labor and delivery (her old job) and I had a feeling she wouldn't stick with mental health long after she got into her new job. At my appt in Dec she told me she would be quitting the end of Jan. Im devastated. It took me a long time to even seek help this time because of bad experiences in the past with pdoc's and she has been absolutely AMAZING. Im soooo upset.. I love how she actually listens to me, she doesnt see me as "crazy" she hasnt been quick to diagnose me with anything. I can email her even on a weekend and the longest it has taken her to get back to me was a little over an hour. I just dont think I'll find another dr I can fully trust like her. She did refer me to an old colleague of hers at the 1st office I met her at, but im scared of what she might be like. I might walk in and immediatly she wants to competely change all my meds despite my HORRIBLE fear of changing meds. I have to take it really slow. Or what if she wants to slap a new diagnoses on me for some reason because im in a bad spot right now? On top of this bad news she also said she thinks im running out of med options. this is extremely disheartening. I did email her yesterday asking her about if she thought I would be a good candidate for TMS and she said she thought I might be and we would talk about it at our next meeting and would put what we talk about and her ideas in the notes that she sends to my new dr that I will see in Feb. I dont know if its cause my last appt with her is coming up on the 15th or what.... But my mood has been HORRIBLE. I had a complete melt down last night after the kids went to bed. I was telling my husband he deserved a happy wife that wanted to be with him. (for those that havent read my other post, I always feel like leaving my husband. Not like a divorce, cause I still love him, just feel like escaping) and I didnt deserve a husband that would still stand by me after a 1.5yrs of me telling him I wanted to leave him all the time. And I was ruining the marriage. I was worried I was going to ruin the kids lives for seeing their mom depressed. Im so sick of feeling like this... I just want some of this shit to go away. I have a therapist and she helps. this is the worst Ive been since Ive started seeing her. Im not sure whats changed aside from learning about my dr is quitting. I did go off one of my meds (had dr's blessing) like a week ago but I felt for some time it wasn't a good fit plus any time i had to change dose and going off i had a day or 2 of thinking about suicide. Not suicidal, just thinking about suicide in general and I don't like that... None of my other meds do that to me. I just needed another safe place to vent.... My best friend is a free spirit and goes where the wind takes her so of course she says "just leave" No hun... I cant just up and leave my 2 young kids and my loyal and loving husband ive been with for 13 yrs cause ive been depressed for 2yrs and want to escape. Im sure there is another answer, just havent found it yet even though ive been looking for the last 1.5yrs. I know she means well, but thats not really the advice Im looking for..
  13. I've gained weight but I can't say it's completely related to rexulti though cause I've been slowly putting weight back on since I had I huge weight crash with my initial depression/anxiety episode. And then a huge weight gain during my trial of vybriid and haven't been able to lose any of that. I just came off rexulti last week(been on it a couple months now). I just felt it wasn't the med for me. I tried it at 1mg and .5mg. At 1mg I couldn't sleep. When I went to .5 I crashed hard mood wise for about a week. Not exactly suicidal but thinking about suicide. And when I came off this time I did it real slow(with Dr blessing) and still had a day of the thinking about suicide. I'm hoping maybe it was the rexulti that was holding my weight hostage and I can finally get the weight I gain on the vibyiid to finally go away.
  14. I hadn't had issues in so long I was convinced it was just a shitty childhood chalked up to not so great parents, and bad choices in friends. Life was so good for so long I honestly believed I was normal. then THIS SHIT hit out of the blue 1.5 yrs ago for no reason. I have 2 little kids. I should be enjoying them. I try, I honestly try my hardest. I really honestly do. But right now, Im sitting in the corner choking back tears that have been on the verge of falling ALL DAY while they watch another episode of ninja turtles. I should be playing in the floor with them, or making all sorts of Christmas crafts with them. I cant help but think Im failing them and becoming another not so great parent myself because of "THIS" I used to be better. I was. I still remember being a better mother. And some days I can be that mom, but not near as much as I wish I could. DAMN THIS. I cant live with this fucking shit every damn day. where the hell did it come from and why the hell did it think it could just walk right in and make itself home here with me? It has come in and robbed me of my love for my husband. Makes me feel like leaving my perfectly good loving husband. Makes me doubt my abilities to be a good mother. Sucks my motivations to do just about anything. Then gives me a brief few day window that things are looking good. to suck it away again. UGHHHH.. Some days im so irritable, im irritated at myself. Im so angry, Im angry at the world. Im so depressed, I dont want to go on(thankfully my babies keep me going) So anxious, i could crawl out of my own skin. Then some days I could sing from the rooftops, I have the patience of a saint, Im super bubbly. Days in between are mostly just blah Unfortunately even on good days i still have lingering feelings in the back of my head of leaving my husband. Not like divorce. I don't want that at all, cause he is an amazing father and husband despite my feelings. Just want to move in with my parents for awhile or something which is weird.... I just wish this all would go away.
  15. I'm taking this. I'm like a month an half in I had gone up to 1mg and had to come back to .5mg due to side effects. I feel it helps my happiness. But it acctually isn't doing a thing for my anxiety. At least at this current time it isnt. I am sick so that could be why. I also recently went on topamax to try to get my weight down. And despite my appetite dropping (in not even averaging 1200 calories a day) I haven't lost a lbs. The weight I packed on was during a trial run of vybryd. We went back to my original set up I had taken without weight issues. Added topamax and rexulti. So I'm assuming the rexulti is preventing weight loss? Anyone else noticing this? On another note. I should add I'm a difficult case. My Dr. Won't specifically give me straight dx yet after seeing me 1.5 yrs. There is depression, anxiety, periods of panic. Mention of bipolar with mixed states. Mention of ocd. So yea this is just a test med. The side effects I mention was not being able to sleep, and headaches. Comeing back down though from 1mg to .5mg was HARD surprisingly.
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