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About xanathos

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  • Birthday 07/16/93

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    loss of enjoyment, i used to like arts, sciences, etc.
  1. Not nearly as bad as they were but they still bother me to some extent. My obsessions are still on my mind throughout the day. I will look into that, thanks.
  2. Edit: to be on topic, I can't clean either and maggots and mold are in my kitchen sink and I hate myself. Once again I hear everyone knowing everything about me and saying that I look schizophrenic. Everyone in my neighborhood knows how crazy I am without me ever spending much time in my neighborhood. I try my best to act normal, but my craziness must be tattooed on my forehead in an ink I can't even see even though that last bit is stupid. But it's an analogy of sorts. Also since its late at night i feel like I hear people getting murdered silently outside and people pig squealing at me but i dont know how they see me. My god I feel so fat. The sad thing is I'm as good as I will be symptom wise. Why must I go from being symptom free to having some stuff go down? On a good note: I was approved for invega trinza (but i willl still get abilify every 4 weeks)
  3. I learned that suicide for me is a way out and a sign that I'm overwhelmed. I don't necessarily want to die, I just want to escape. This is what therapy taught me. I totally understand Girl, Interrupted where she says, "...miss the train, kill yourself,..." Because it's such an automatic thought that I'm so numb to what suicide entails. I throw it around like it is nothing. I don't want to die I just don't want to live which are two different things.
  4. Hey, sorry to make another thread I just feel this is a separate thing but feel free to correct me. My question is also the title of this thread but, Is it possible to have moderate to mild OCD that responds well to meds?
  5. In my dream I was hallucinatimg my grandparents, and my family saw me like that and they were crying.
  6. Hey, Upon doing a study on hoarding I realize I have OCD symptoms. I wonder if this is just because disorders overlap or if it warrants diagnosis. My meds wouldn't change but it can impact the therapies I can access. I have an appt Wednesday and I'll be asking my pdoc. I'm currently dx'd schizoaffective, bpd, and social anxiety. I have ED problems also without a formal diagnosis. The symptoms i've had for several years: - Checking things repeatedly such as the ashtray, stove, and my lock on my door repeatedly. Begore effexor I once checked my door about 10 times the most and this would be on the daily. - Obsessive thoughts of hurting others or others hurting me and at times sexual thoughts. The biggest irrational obsessive thing I have is my house being on fire-- even when i visited my hometown a couple towns away fromthe city I'm in and I heard and saw a firetruck I immediately thought my house was on fire as an example. Anytime I saw one or if anyone mentions my house I jump to it being burned down. Again, this subsided greatly after effexor. - I am a hoarder and have immense trouble throwing things away. - I compulsively pick away my dead skin and blemishes. I compulsively eat the dead skin (this one i'm unsure about). I also am compelled to pick off any really long body hairs. - Constantly needing reassurance. And that's just off the top of my head. It's vastly different from my psychosis because these things i know are abnormal. Again, these symptoms decreased significantly after being on effexor. What are your thoughts?
  7. No, things are always up and down. I don't have a solid therapist yet
  8. Better, even though I still have the thoughts, just not about my neighbors.
  9. I'm on Invega sustenna and abilify maintena together. My prolactin is high but I am asymptomatic. My doctor tests for everything any time I get bloodwork.
  10. I don't know why but after not really struggling with binging and purging for several years (9) I seem to be picking it up again. I told my psychiatrist and he recommended a place that has services for people with eating disorders but I feel like they'd not believe me that I have a problem because I'm overweight or they would judge. I'm scared my teeth will be ruined because it's hard not to whenever I binge. Seems like I almost-impulsively plan to binge hours in advance.
  11. In the movie he goes on trying to spread his revelations of a revolution, getting high and drunk a long the way. I used to get high a lot but I quit it, but still occasionally drink. I see Fritz as, for his time, exactly like how I feel—a prophet of which no one listens. I get quite philosophical. I am a picky mediator though. Listen to all and talk to few. I'm learning that there are fewer I can talk to. I am far too crazy for anyone, I feel. Crazy-smart. Sometimes I feel like a modern day Christ, but I don't believe that I am "Christ." It's hard when people say you're smart but you know you're not as smart as they think. Somehow everyone tells me things that I shouldn't know. They tell me everything (everyone). I guess I am blessed.
  12. I live on the edge in the sense that I can easily experience symptoms again, and still do to some degree.
  13. Ideation.i tried to explain to my pdoc but he seemedto think i was just communicating distress when i told him i feel like i have to kill my neighbors before they kill me. I reallyfeel this way and he doesn't get it. I feel like killing majority of strangers i encounter more than i want to kill myself which i still want to kill myself. These thoughts feel foreign only slightly though. Everyone feels like a threat and i have visions (like how one would see a memory, so not like a hallucination) about brutally murdering most of these people. I did explain about hearing voices for a little bit and he thinks my anxiety and stress are increasing psychotic symptoms and paranoia etc but he doesnt seem to get the extent. I shy'd(?) away from stressing it because I was afraid of what he would say rhough i answered his question truthfully "do you intend on killing anyone" and of course i dont /intend/ on it bt also thats a racey question considering the answer could land me IP which he always is pushing against (and i want to avoid it anyway) but this is seriously bothering me. So i end up hurting myself so I don't have to hurt them.
  14. Stress brings out the borderline in me. I call this the BPD-bop. The dance borderlines do between calm and ill.
  15. My team is really good but its me that sucks tbh. I just wish i could have enough balls to do it (suicide). I really am a waste of space.