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About xanathos

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  • Birthday 07/16/93

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  • Interests
    loss of enjoyment, i used to like arts, sciences, etc.
  1. BPD symtoms can seemingly dissapate when one partakes in therapy but they can come back. Edit: I am a sufferer but also not a doctor yet, as well, never self diagnose-there are toxic communities such as tumblr that feed on that. You only need to have 5 symptoms for a bpd dx.
  2. Id rather be at a healthy weight and not in poor health than sane. But somewhere deep down I can't allow myself to unravel my sanity.
  3. I am on Invega Trinza and Abilify Maintena. I also get loxapine as a PRN. Since I switched from Sustenna to Trinza, I noticed a few things. I am sore. All the time. My body also doesn't move the way it should. It just feels tight. I don't know if this is technically stiffness but it really aches.
  4. Sorry for making another thread. I always knew I couldn't handle this stuff. I'm always in between a rock and a hard place. I cannot ever go inpatient because one they no longer take me in, two everyone gets disappointed, three there is no benefit. That's all sort of irrelevant but I thought I'd get it out there. I may still get breakthrough symptoms but none of it really matters. I am just barely getting by and somehow this means I am doing well, and I guess they're right but all the same it's not the right kind of 'well.' In any case they're all in on the same joke that i'm not in on (despite knowing that there is one) and it is my life. I"m just a tv show that they have left behind to go downhill. I want to cancel it all together. I don't want to live in this joke or be this joke. No one ever tries to help me anymore because I'm no longer psychotic. They cast me in the effing dirt. I don't want to continue on because no matter what I do it's too good despite never being good enough to me because they always shut me out because apparently im doing well.
  5. I do agree but what he meant is that it's super easy to just stop my meds and get psychotic than it is to deal with everyday life. Sure being psychotic is super hard but getting there is super easy and then I wouldn't be able to succeed anyway.
  6. My bloodwork always comes back normal. So I'm not sure.
  7. Lately I am busy, quite busy. I have developed a routine. I go to a job program 5 days a week and afterwards I go to different drop in type places to access services and programing. I was also in school too but the strike went on for a long time so I dropped out of this semester. The thing I am feeling right now is that I am neutrally stressed. A phrase/concept I came up with is that with my physical health problems, I wish I was just psychiatrically ill again (SzA, BPD, OCD--controlled with medication) because like my psychiatrist said it's much easier to be psychiatrically ill than to deal with life, but I have no time to be psychiatrically ill. I almost want to go down the rabbit hole again because it made sense and became an obsession almost, as well, I felt smarter. Now my world is dumbing down. To top it off my medication has slowed down my metabolism to crap and I have gained 90lbs in the last 3 years. I feel like just throwing everything away to be in a world that made sense to me.
  8. I am doing much better now. I go to a job program and school but school was on strike too long, so I dropped out this semester. Now I have a job interview on Wednesday. I still get breakthrough symptoms. A voice said to me "habeas corpus" which i didnt know what it meant which tells me voices are a separate entity. Anyway, maybe, i feel i am keeping a voice prisoner
  9. Not nearly as bad as they were but they still bother me to some extent. My obsessions are still on my mind throughout the day. I will look into that, thanks.
  10. Edit: to be on topic, I can't clean either and maggots and mold are in my kitchen sink and I hate myself. Once again I hear everyone knowing everything about me and saying that I look schizophrenic. Everyone in my neighborhood knows how crazy I am without me ever spending much time in my neighborhood. I try my best to act normal, but my craziness must be tattooed on my forehead in an ink I can't even see even though that last bit is stupid. But it's an analogy of sorts. Also since its late at night i feel like I hear people getting murdered silently outside and people pig squealing at me but i dont know how they see me. My god I feel so fat. The sad thing is I'm as good as I will be symptom wise. Why must I go from being symptom free to having some stuff go down? On a good note: I was approved for invega trinza (but i willl still get abilify every 4 weeks)
  11. I learned that suicide for me is a way out and a sign that I'm overwhelmed. I don't necessarily want to die, I just want to escape. This is what therapy taught me. I totally understand Girl, Interrupted where she says, "...miss the train, kill yourself,..." Because it's such an automatic thought that I'm so numb to what suicide entails. I throw it around like it is nothing. I don't want to die I just don't want to live which are two different things.
  12. Hey, sorry to make another thread I just feel this is a separate thing but feel free to correct me. My question is also the title of this thread but, Is it possible to have moderate to mild OCD that responds well to meds?
  13. In my dream I was hallucinatimg my grandparents, and my family saw me like that and they were crying.
  14. Hey, Upon doing a study on hoarding I realize I have OCD symptoms. I wonder if this is just because disorders overlap or if it warrants diagnosis. My meds wouldn't change but it can impact the therapies I can access. I have an appt Wednesday and I'll be asking my pdoc. I'm currently dx'd schizoaffective, bpd, and social anxiety. I have ED problems also without a formal diagnosis. The symptoms i've had for several years: - Checking things repeatedly such as the ashtray, stove, and my lock on my door repeatedly. Begore effexor I once checked my door about 10 times the most and this would be on the daily. - Obsessive thoughts of hurting others or others hurting me and at times sexual thoughts. The biggest irrational obsessive thing I have is my house being on fire-- even when i visited my hometown a couple towns away fromthe city I'm in and I heard and saw a firetruck I immediately thought my house was on fire as an example. Anytime I saw one or if anyone mentions my house I jump to it being burned down. Again, this subsided greatly after effexor. - I am a hoarder and have immense trouble throwing things away. - I compulsively pick away my dead skin and blemishes. I compulsively eat the dead skin (this one i'm unsure about). I also am compelled to pick off any really long body hairs. - Constantly needing reassurance. And that's just off the top of my head. It's vastly different from my psychosis because these things i know are abnormal. Again, these symptoms decreased significantly after being on effexor. What are your thoughts?
  15. No, things are always up and down. I don't have a solid therapist yet