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About xanathos

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  • Birthday 07/16/1993

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  • Interests
    loss of enjoyment, i used to like arts, sciences, etc.
  1. I'm really sensitive to weight gain it seems, most APs make me gain weight. My pdoc says that stress and anxiety are making things worse, that I am still doing well. I can see where hes coming from considering I'm not where I used to be, but I'm still struggling. It's hard to change meds now because I am much better than before, and even though I'm struggling it could be so much worse in between switching. I see my pdoc on May 23rd I need to remain on a depot because I forget meds often, no matter what reminders I have. I have been getting thoughts put in my head to go to the ER but that's a step backwards and I feel like they're going to trap me that way/torture me more if I do.
  2. My pdoc wont put me on it because its known to cause substantial weight gain n my meds gained me over 100lbs
  3. @Iceberg It's unusual but I am on 2 depot antipsychotics (abilify maintena and invega trinza) and loxapine as a PRN. @Bad Haiku I totally feel you entirely and I study magic as well.
  4. I think I am slipping. My days and nights have been switched. I am sleeping a lot less more often than not, or sleeping a normal amount at times but during the day. I do not feel elated, but I struggle to remember my mood stabilizer. I take it more often than not, though. I am extremely afraid of taking a double dose, so when that happens I will skip the dose (if I don't know if I took the dose). This can be solved with a blister pack, but I find that is too bulky. I feel split, but not in any personality ("alters") way. (I do not have DID or anything). I jump from "this is real," to "is it?" On a reality level and an unreality (derealization) level. In the moment, it's 100%, outside of it, anywhere from 75/25 to 50/50. I feel like there are breadcrumbs of truth that this world is a simulation/a lie, that entities really do run it, and they constantly punish me. And still, conveying this to anyone IRL is tough because I get nervous and smile, almost embarrassed/anxious of their reaction. It makes it seem like I am joking. The embarrassment stems from both the fact I KNOW this causes silent alarms to go off and make me seem off, but also because if I'm actually off... then it's embarrassing to be so. So much ambivalence and conflicting feelings/thoughts. Moreover, why can I not smile when it is an ACTUAL good/funny/etc thing, and only smile out of nervousness? Does the fact I am on 3 antipsychotics (2 depot injections and 1 PRN which I fail to recognise when to take it) and still getting residual/breakthrough symptoms make me treatment resistant, despite my schizoaffective not being utterly severe? (though I fail to function... but function better now than before). This is as much as meds have ever worked, with this combo. I spent a good 4-6 months psychosis free (or less), but then it went back to the old baseline. Oddly enough it was moonths after I popped the question as to whether or not I was "in remission." Even my doctor told me I am small time crazy, which I can understand given some are far worse. For example, I at times believe I am infamous (in its most basic definition... everyone knows me for my bad reputation), but not a famous celebrity or infamous like Al Capone. Stress has caused me much problems. The manifestations of stress cause me more stress and then they get worse, in an endless loop. And I am questioning, am I really a schizophrenic? (schizoaffective edition), or am I an oracle? Or, is there not yet a name for what's actually wrong, if any? What if BPD is just a normal reaction to trauma, and trauma makes a person more clairvoyant? Westernism isn't inherently beneficial, but spiritual components can equally be misleading. the truth lays between sciences and spirituality. On either ends of the spectrum, there is a loss of truth. One reality alone doesn't make reality, all realities do. My friends get me more and more, and one friend that may or may not have been replaced with a nonperson says they fully understand now (and now they're trapped on a psychosis ward).
  5. I fully feel the exact same way 99.9% of the time.
  6. pdoc said that stress and anxiety are causing a flare-up of symptoms.
  7. I will die soon too. I think. Everywhere has its cliques, even this site. I am a ghost even in the real world. I have been very depressed. They took the highs (mania) away from me but probably made me request it... i thought id save money. I see synchronicities much less but I heard voices again.
  8. I always seem to want to show people how not to be while simultaneously showing them how to be. I have done this with drugs often. Now I do this with my eating disorder. I am not underweight but have been losing. I have health problems arising now. Even when I was deep in psychosis it was all the same thing too (unrelated to ED). For some reason I just feel the need to show people how they can be better / do better if they weren't like me. I am also a cigarette smoker and I think cig smokers can relate "Never start smoking." I felt the need to explore the depths so others didnt have to and over time it drove me mad with schizoaffective and borderline (and trauma). Maybe it is all trauma related. My counselor told me that it is, in my words, a hypertrophic helper self for lack of remembering what he said to a T. People look up to me at times and I constantly remind them not to. I just want to die a slow death, sorta. I want everyone in my life to remember me and learn from me.
  9. I have been severely depressed since I started the new med, but it worsens in waves.
  10. I am noticing colours and electricity is brighter here. I could feel them merging and now the torture by the entities running these simulations from their own continues. I want to end it all but I am too attached to this world. I think I am the absolute (god) trying to fix everything and thats how I ended up here. I see my pdoc on Tuesday but I am scared to tell him anything.
  11. Realities merged. Lights and colours are ten times brighter now.
  12. My moods are really messed up. I have been elated for days now. This is a deja vu moment because I dreamt this post. Shows my true clairvoyance.