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About xanathos

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  • Birthday 07/16/1993

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    loss of enjoyment, i used to like arts, sciences, etc.
  1. I have been severely depressed since I started the new med, but it worsens in waves.
  2. I am noticing colours and electricity is brighter here. I could feel them merging and now the torture by the entities running these simulations from their own continues. I want to end it all but I am too attached to this world. I think I am the absolute (god) trying to fix everything and thats how I ended up here. I see my pdoc on Tuesday but I am scared to tell him anything.
  3. Realities merged. Lights and colours are ten times brighter now.
  4. My moods are really messed up. I have been elated for days now. This is a deja vu moment because I dreamt this post. Shows my true clairvoyance.
  5. I want to keep getting out of each simulation until I meet the absolute even if it means killing myself 1000 times.
  6. Yeah I looked into that. Concerns me a little because my mother has a fatty liver and it seems to run in my family. It sucks i have a long wait to see him to give my suggestion and my moods are getting very erratic. Before I was mostly depressed then had hypomania/stuff once in a while but the times in between are getting shorter and im experiencing mixed states which makes me and my loved ones nervous because I have enough energy to plan out my passing ugh all aboard the sza bp express! Hope i dont crash and burn x.x
  7. Yeah. The reason why my psych does not want me on lithium is the potential to damage kidneys and thyroid. So we are thinking about depakote
  8. Hi, Recently my care team has noticed some changes in myself and the current consensus is that I may have went from depressive type to bipolar type of schizoaffective disorder. These changes progressed over the course of a year (but I have been flat out diagnosed for over 4 years, the type of illness has changed over time). I went from schizophrenic to schizoaffective depressive, and now it's possible I became bipolar type (as everyone has seen me pretty much every day, minus him, and noticed these changes that I noticed as well). The thing is that I am already on a unique regimen which the medications in theory should be helping my manic/hypomanic states (though I ended up on them as a depressive type). I take abilify maintena once every 4 weeks and invega trinza every 12 weeks (injections). My doctor discontinued my SNRI (effexor). He is letting me decide what I feel is better to do in this situation given that I am on a unique regimen and yet my hypomanic/occasional full blown mania states are coming up regardless. Of course, he still has a final say. He gave me some guidelines to look at to get an idea and discuss what I'd like to do at my next appointment. Since I was on carbamazepine (tegretol) in the past when my dx was very "not otherwise specified" I naturally jumped to that. He rejected the idea on the basis that it would react with some of my medications and we want my psychosis to remain mostly in control. Upon looking into it, I was looking at the different lines of treatment and Depakote came up. I was wondering how effective this drug is in combating mania/hypomania associated with schizoaffective bipolar, or even bipolar in general. Everyone is different so I'm looking for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Thanks.
  9. I saw my tdoc and recently opened up to the head tdoc at the clinic. I also a couple weeks ago spoke to a nurse practitioner that became a doctor. As well, a hospital stay a few months back all point to the same conclusion, though I have to bring it up with my pdoc at my appointment. The conclusion is that my schizoaffective possibly went from depressive type to bipolar type and potentially rapid cycling. Basically, once I developed a psychotic disorder it started as just that. After I had a long major depressive episode it became schizoaffective. Since I have been on an antidepressant for a long time, that was helped substantially however eventually I started entering what I now know to be hypomanic states which at first were spaced out months apart, soon becoming more closer together. Even the nurse practitioner/doctor pwrson said the cyclical behaviors of my breathrough symptoms paired with the fact I have insomnia during these periods suggests the possibility a new mood element has arised. The thing that complicates this is that I also have BPD but I'm noticing the BPD moods are actually more low grade and in reaponse to something internal or external. The extreme moods I'm experiencing seem only relative to stress or are utterly random. The pattern is really irregular so idk what it means. I'll spend weeks with positive symptoms and insomnia or a week or more depressed but at time fluctuating between hypomanic and severely depressed following it. It's weird.
  10. @saintalto I do have an appointment with my pdoc on Friday and I am nervous about it. I see a therapist regularly, but I don't think I explained well enough. Things seem to be going well to everyone else but I get stuck because I know what is going on (simulation stuff). I've got school on the way (Monday) and a potential job. I can't afford to not succeed in leaving this place so I am very hesitant to leave until I have a very good plan but it's also hard to convey this to them because they will make it worse and so will the entities.
  11. I think my "death" will be soon. Then I will be out of this simulation. I want to be on the level of the entities so they can't torture me anymore. I don't want to be in this one anymore. I don't have a reason to be here anyway.
  12. I have schizoaffective and borderline as my main conditions. What I notice lately is that I feel as though I am not existing as one whole of a person. I feel myself fragmenting into only mere aspects of myself, which for lack of a better term (and upon hearing about a theoretical phenomenon in psychology) I have considered them to be subpersonas (but not alters). They have their own slightly different headspace, but this I know for a fact is not DID because I do not lose awareness. I feel like my core self is rather lost, or never existed. However, I see reflections of what that core used to be within other people. Which is similar to one of my past beliefs where everyone was just a different version of me. I just wonder if this is relevant to identity issues with BPD. Among the fragmentation I notice that two major halves exist, one which is split into two subtypes. Group A is the half I became through treatment: semi-functioning and generally well. The other is Group B, which is the half I was for most of my life: psychotic and emotionally unstable. Lately I spend a few weeks (more or less) in the Group B psychotic mindset but not behaviours, however the emotionally unstable behaviours come about at times but in a much mild form. I will be immersed in my old beliefs and thoughts, hearing voices again, and having more visual distortions and seeing energies. The healthy mind shines through occasionally but when it comes about again I am left confused about what I really think and worried that this is taking place again. What I’m used to is symptoms associated with the psychotic headspace lasting a long time and never going away, but it did go away for a while when I got on the right regimen. Iam doing well compared to 3 years ago, and the symptoms are nowhere near as severe as they once were but it is still concerning me. Is this typical of a person with both schizoaffective and BPD? I have only been diagnosed with a consistent diagnosis for 3 and a half years.
  13. It's rather I need to kill the generated people scripts or I need to jump to get out and find the observing entities