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About Remnants

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  • Birthday 06/24/92

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  1. So most of the time when I'm struggling, I end up just saying I feel like shit or some variation and not expanding on that. Well no dah. That’s pretty obvious & doesn’t really help. I’ve tried extra hard to be an adult this weekend. Going out for drinks for a uni friends birthday on Friday night & then going to midsummer carnival yesterday (queer day as part of lots of queer event leading up to pride march). Friday was okay but yesterday cut me back down. I have pretty good control over my anxiety these days for the most part but that was just way too much. It is indescribable how many people go to midsummer festival. Imagine if you’ve been to a major cities pride march, then picture all those people shoved in a moderate sized park along with stages & booths for all types of shops, services, organisations ect. That is midsummer in a nut shell. So needless to say I lasted about an hour & a half. Plus it was hot in the sun. It wasn’t like a hot day unless you’re English maybe but sunny. The sun made it worse. I came home completely drained. Skip a head to tonight. I’m getting sick. Fun. Cold or something which pisses me off because it’s like I always have a cold. I even had the flu vaccine last year. I know that doesn’t prevent everything but at the very least I should get sick less than normal not the exact fucking same. I also kinda realised I have been feeling particularly like bpd fp to my psych because I’m struggling more than I think I’m letting myself feel. More desperate for something to make me feel better. Which is probably why I also forced myself to do this shit this weekend. I haven’t seen my support worker since before Christmas. I’m pretty pissed at her if I’m honest. She wasn’t suppose to book in meetings between Christmas & new year until that week because not many people were in the office. Then she called me & knew I was struggling but didn’t offer me an appointment. Then she was away the week after. Then when she came back this past week she didn’t call me til Friday to make an appointment & now it isn’t til Wednesday. I didn’t call her this week because she’s notoriously unorganised & I feel too needy if I call first & because I wanted to see how long it would take her to remember me. That’s probably a whole lot of really bpd stuff right there. So, now it’s Monday. I feel like shit. I’m sick. I’m really struggling & I don’t know what to do. I also ordered those books my psych recommended 'the buddha and the borderline' & 'reinventing your life' (a book about schema therapy) & plan to read them so my psych likes me more. She already said last time we met ‘I’m the perfect client, I always do my homework & never cancel appointments/don’t show up & I’ve been through a lot so she wants to help me get better’, which is why when I run out of sessions from Medicare she’s going to do a really reduced rate for me. Anyways. I fucking hurt. I’m trying to read as something different to make myself feel better. It seems like I’ll be going back to uni for a full on year, really struggling. This things that make me anxious & upset & really scared to do. I feel like my fat body lets me down sometimes but depression won’t let me do anything to fix it. That’s another thing. My doctor was so obsessed with exercise overcoming my depression. I know it’s not a short term fix but I’ve exercised 5/7 days this week & feel just as shit if not more than ever. Fuck this life, seriously. It hurts so much & nothing I do makes it any better. I really want to give up. I don’t know what it means to give up. I can never just stop entirely. But meh. I wish I could. I also with I could end my life. I think I’ve some options. Further research needs to be done. What else can I say? I feel like shit. That doesn’t say anything but I really don’t know what to do right now. Emptiness and hopelessness of my soul. Hopefully if you read this you don’t hate me for that whole lots of bpd, darkest recesses of my soul that I don’t dare speak aloud. If my tenses are off, I wrote this last night but couldn't figure out how to post it from my phone so I'm posting it today.
  2. Yeah, I did that assessment with my psych a few weeks ago. It came up with stuff I kinda knew but nothing fit completely. She's now given me another sheet with 'modes' on them which is a combination of schemas which might be more accurate to me. Good luck, I hope it helps you
  3. Yeah, I think it probably added to it. It's quiet invasive. I realised that I was physically in a lot of pain most of the day yesterday that probably didn't help. I don't need to answer as many questions next time so I will probably try again in a few months.
  4. Yeah, like I said. I don't quiet understand. I believe that someone can take them as a blood pressure specific medication & give blood. Which is where I am confused too. & I said like I won't be able to give blood because I'm never stable without meds & she said it didn't have to do with my mental health directly. She was raising an eye brow to asking if I was stable on my AD's too. Maybe that's why it upset me so much too, coz it didn't make sense. Maybe just ignorance on part of her & the doctor.
  5. Thanks melissaw72, I've been on metropolol in the past for anxiety but it's fairly under control atm except apparently times like this & sometimes take it for a prn. Unfortunately the lady told me I couldn't take that when I tried again because it would mean I wasn't stable. I don't think she meant that in the way it sounds when I type it. I don't quiet understand it but it's good they care about the donors too & don't want to put you at risk.
  6. Amianthus, Thank you, I really appreciate your very kind & validating response. I have had meds in the past to lower my heart rate when I became anxious but the lady said that I shouldn't take them before I try again because it means I'm not coping. I guess it's good in a way, they're really concerned about the donors welfare not just the recipients. & explained that it increase my risk of fainting. as for the doctor, she's not being overly helpful right now. But I see a support worker & a psychologist who are helping, or at least trying to. I guess I'll try again in a few months if my mental health stabilises. Yeah, you're right. Just one foot in front of the other.
  7. So, I tried to give blood tonight coz for the first time in my life my iron levels are okay and I'm kinda quiet struggling right now so I figure, if I want to die, why not let someone else live? Well I was too f**king anxious & blood pressure & pulse was up too high to donate. I know logically it's fine. Whatever. But given my overall shit mood & just wanting to help someone, I'm really upset right now. Like I can't even give away this worthless pathetic body of mine. She said I can try again whenever but I figure it's just going to be the same every time because I can't fix my mental health. It just doesn't work, nothing ever gets better for me.
  8. I get feeling like you either can't trust someone or are too needy, obviously its different for you as anyone else but yeah. I think its perfectly reasonable for you to give them a small gift if you'd like to. I know know some won't accept gifts or aren't support to but most people would be happy to receive a small gift and understand the appreciation behind it. Hope you're as okay as you could be and know that we're here during this difficult time.
  9. To me, acceptance is a by product of learning skills to validate, understand and manage emotions/situations. Thinking of the dog meme in the house with it burning down around them going 'this is fine'. By no means do you need to do that & anyone who tries to use DBT like that isn't doing it justice. A lot of people might focus on that as the core of it, even the founder might harp on about it but the other skills along the way is how you might get to that point. I was never introduced to the idea of radical acceptance whether directly or indirectly because my psychs along the way knew that I wouldn't engage in the therapy if they just told me I needed to accept it or anything similar. So, it is possible for DBT to help if you don't do anything to do with radical acceptance.
  10. Yeah, my go manages my current AD's. So today was a waste of time. She said she wasn't interested in changing my meds. That I just need to exercise & get out more. I felt like saying f*** you, you try feeling like this then go exercise & go out daily. Blah. I think it sucks so much that you guys have Christmas & thanksgiving so close. One or the other is more than enough for most people.
  11. Yeah, I totally get that. Not knowing what's causing what symptoms. It's like my whole life. Sounds like your situation is even more complicated. Hopefully she'll talk to me tomorrow instead of just rushing me out of the office. I don't know what she can do anyways coz she's just a gp. thanks. Good luck with Christmas to you too. You're welcome to pm me for support or just to whine about family if you need.
  12. Thanks for replying. It means a lot. Sorry you're experiencing a lot of the same stuff. I'm seeing a psych on a very limited basis. We're going to try scheme therapy because I've tried it all & it's just a useless bandaid. I figure the meds could help my depression which feeds the bpd at least. I'm just so far over all of it. I've fought so hard to improve for so long & it's got me no where.
  13. I'm in vic, it's just with the 10 Medicare sessions we get in a year for me.
  14. Coz for some stupid reason I'm trying to be an OT and kinda need to limit my scars to look profession and shit.