• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About enhancer

  • Rank

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    US East Coast
  • Interests
    Films, Reading, Beekeeping, Moon Cycles, Spending 1 on 1 time with my friends (at home), my Interest have waned over the years.
  1. So, I haven't been on in a while. I've been slowly tapering off Xanax. I'm not all the way off yet, but almost. Down from 4mg a day to .5. It has been tough. I started a while ago. It was fairly easy until I decreased to .5. That adjustment has taken me a week to recover from. I'm finally feeling ok now. Will take the next step soon. Wishing everyone well.

  2. Went to a girlfriend's birthday celebration last evening. I've been out two days in a row. I'm not up to it today. I still may just take a turn around the block, but I really feel like feeling safe today.

  3. I had the same problem with Seroquel. At first it was extremely helpful and overtime it caused me to become worse. I talked to my doctor and we started a program to come off the med. It would amplify all my mental illness each time I stepped down by too much or too fast...to include anxiety. I went down 25mg at a time in 6 weeks incements and sometimes I'd have to go back up after a day or two and then try again in a couple more weeks. It took a long time to come off of and I mean to say it was MIND BENDING. With each step down it got worse before it got better. I was increasingly suicidal, more anxious, more psychotic, more fractured etc...BUT I had to try. It took being completely off the medication for several months before I felt ok again. I'm really glad I did it though. WARNING***********I did this with the help of my doctor and saw him weekly or bi-weekly to check in. If I couldn't manage to get to his office then we had phone sessions. Please do not do this without the support of your doctor. I have a 14 year old and I couldn't care for him alone. Both my husband and ex-husband travel 2-3 weeks of the month. They had to coordinate schedules to be sure my son was taken care of. *********I'm so happy I was able to do it though. It was a life-saver when it was first prescribed, but then it seemed to make my illness worse. I was far more suicidal than I am now that I'm off the medication. That alone is a huge relief. Obviously, based on the above messages, we all react differently to meds. This is only my personal experience.**********
  4. What a sweet way to remember your Dad.
  5. Made it happen with some support from family- My husband, son, and I went to a movie.

  6. I-Kim Many of my parts feel like separate people. There are times when I have felt more separate than I do now. Over the past six months I, Kim, have become stronger and better able to accept and work with most of my parts. I can hear most of my parts separately and if they all start to "talk and feel" at the same time then I'm able to settle them down by recognizing that I know they all want to speak, that what they have to say is important to me, but that I need them to "talk and feel," so to speak, one at a time. Otherwise, psychosis can set in and that can really fuck us all up. There are a couple parts that Kim doesn't do well with. Mostly, Kitty and Katie...sometimes Kay. Kay tends to side with Kitty if there's trouble. If there is conflict AND there is often conflict with Kitty. Kitty is very well developed and angry with Kim. I have to work really hard to manage Kitty. And sometimes I simply can't. She has the potential to do us all harm even if she doesn't do it intentionally. Katie is the little girl who was repeatedly abused physically, mentally, sexually etc... She doesn't come out much anymore. Only when Mom is around or she is triggered by something, but she doesn't trigger as easily as Kitty. She can act out and cause problems as well. Kay is my go-between and knows Kitty and Katie well. She's sort of like their Momma bear. When Kitty and Katie are around they experience severe PTSD, debilitating and paralyzing heartache, grief, and anxiety. They tend to get extrememly depressed. And...they tend to want to engage in very risky behavior. They have Stockholm Syndrome and want to return to the life when they were most active (sexual slave to a sadist). I, Kim, used to be a lot more stable, and I'm getting stronger...as I mentioned. I experience social anxiety, but not like the others. I'm most in-tact. This probably makes no sense! Also, I've disassociated in other ways...when I was working at the treatment trauma center there was lot of depersonalization going on...where I didn't feel like my body was my body. I think it was because I was switching SO MUCH. My headaches were horendous and my body was so stressed. When Kitty comes around it is extremely exhausting and the pain is almost more than she can take. She's most like to commit suicide too. Ok, I'm going to hit send. I hope this helps. I would re-read and try to make better sense of it all, but I don't think I can right now. Feel free to ask me questions though.
  7. Goal for the week- To leave the house once a day...even if I just walk (or run) around the short block.

  8. Thank you, Rosie! I just noticed I'm wearing a 17 year old nightgown (it's soft and non-confining) I think I've had it on for quite a few days I don't even care if the house falls down around me Which is weird because I've been very obsessive about a clean house in the past BUT, I'm done for now It will have to be an organic change into action IF it happens at all.
  9. R&R and more R&R

    I- Kim (leader) needs to speak Why do I feel compelled to be a mover and a shaker? Why does society put this burden on us? Why does it make me a bad person to just want to exist? Am I taking up too much space? Am I just sucking resources and not giving back? Is that the issue? The things that people busy themselves with seem foreign to me... I'm taking up space, but I'm not hurting anyone Some of the busiest people I know hurt people and animals I'm so confused I used to work up to 80 hours a week during peak season AND volunteer to coordinate for the after school program and envolved in community outreach projects and attended all my children's events and kept a clean house I was supermom! BUT, I had to take meds and other drugs to keep up It was crazy I don't feel a need to do much of anything anymore I feel like I've done it all already and it's boring I'd rather rest and watch movies and read some agricultural stuff BUT, not so much time with others A party is a party is a party I don't want anyone to touch me I don't want to get sick I don't want to be someplace and no be able to escape It's so much easier to be at home Why isn't that ok? Why isn't it ok for someone else to pick up the slack now I'm tired. I got pregnant at 19 with my daughter. I lost a new born. He was 10 days old. Congenital heart defect. Nobody expected it. Then I had another boy. He will be 15 this month. He's such a good kid. I'm tired. My 24 yr old moved back home I'm tired. Can't I just rest and can't that just be ok with everyone? I think it would be a good idea for me to do more self care though.
  10. Hearing what you're saying. Thank you for sharing.
  11. Oh, yes! That's good progress!!!
  12. We read it all Thank you for sharing. Read it all. We can identify with what you're feeling. We slowly came off the AP's over a year period of time with the help of our PD. Stepping down 25mg in 6-8 week increments. From 400mg of Seroquel to 0. We feel much better. We were getting more and more desperate and feeling all those things you mentioned. Those are scary feelings...when you don't like your family, don't care to talk anymore, we had stopped reaching out for help...all of it. We're NOT suggesting you stopped your AP! Especially not abruptly. It was mind bending to do it over the course of a year or so... can't imagine stopping abruptly all together. That would have put us back in the hospital for certain. Our ex-husband, daughter's father committed suicide in October. We get really pissed at him because we feel like he took the option off the table for us Leaving our daughter without any parents seems too cruel At least it does right now, but there are times when it feels like... feels certain that she would be better off Hope you feel better soon.
  13. A new day, a fresh start, a clear head....hope to manage that all day.

  14. We all feel safe and happy at the Agricultural property, which is 26 acres of outdoor space where we have a camper trailer. It's still pretty isolating out there though. Thinking about ways to function like going to the grocery store and running errands. We will consider those options...choices are good too. We have done certain things to help with leaving the house like my car. It has GPS so I can always find my way home. We keep cash in the glove box for emergencies and We have a key pad on the door so we can lock the keys in the car. We were losing them all the time. We also go nowhere without the cell phone and we have a backup satellite service in the car in case we need help or really confused. All those things make me feel a little safer, but not enough to really be productive.
  15. That's a great idea. Do you have a therapist who specializes in DID? There are none here and ours just does the best she can. I do have a map and some parts will not communicate with other parts so we use that to check in with each other. My leader part, Kim, is very strong and level headed. Kitty, sex slave, is very emotional and in a lot of pain, and she gets us all in a lot of trouble. She tends to want to react a lot. We try to get her to talk to Kay rather than Kim as they don't get along that great, but Kay is too soft. Cerberus, protector, generally will take over if we get into a bad spot, but sometimes he sleeps through it. So, a buddy system would be a good thing to work on. Already feeling the uproar...we'll have to work it out though. It's important to our growth. We'd like to be more active. Thank you for your input.