enhancer

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About enhancer

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  • Gender
    Woman
  • Location
    US East Coast
  • Interests
    Films, Reading, Beekeeping, Moon Cycles, Spending 1 on 1 time with my friends (at home), my Interest have waned over the years.
  1. So, I haven't been on in a while. I've been slowly tapering off Xanax. I'm not all the way off yet, but almost. Down from 4mg a day to .5. It has been tough. I started a while ago. It was fairly easy until I decreased to .5. That adjustment has taken me a week to recover from. I'm finally feeling ok now. Will take the next step soon. Wishing everyone well.

  2. Went to a girlfriend's birthday celebration last evening. I've been out two days in a row. I'm not up to it today. I still may just take a turn around the block, but I really feel like feeling safe today.

  3. I had the same problem with Seroquel. At first it was extremely helpful and overtime it caused me to become worse. I talked to my doctor and we started a program to come off the med. It would amplify all my mental illness each time I stepped down by too much or too fast...to include anxiety. I went down 25mg at a time in 6 weeks incements and sometimes I'd have to go back up after a day or two and then try again in a couple more weeks. It took a long time to come off of and I mean to say it was MIND BENDING. With each step down it got worse before it got better. I was increasingly suicidal, more anxious, more psychotic, more fractured etc...BUT I had to try. It took being completely off the medication for several months before I felt ok again. I'm really glad I did it though. WARNING***********I did this with the help of my doctor and saw him weekly or bi-weekly to check in. If I couldn't manage to get to his office then we had phone sessions. Please do not do this without the support of your doctor. I have a 14 year old and I couldn't care for him alone. Both my husband and ex-husband travel 2-3 weeks of the month. They had to coordinate schedules to be sure my son was taken care of. *********I'm so happy I was able to do it though. It was a life-saver when it was first prescribed, but then it seemed to make my illness worse. I was far more suicidal than I am now that I'm off the medication. That alone is a huge relief. Obviously, based on the above messages, we all react differently to meds. This is only my personal experience.**********
  4. Made it happen with some support from family- My husband, son, and I went to a movie.

  5. I-Kim Many of my parts feel like separate people. There are times when I have felt more separate than I do now. Over the past six months I, Kim, have become stronger and better able to accept and work with most of my parts. I can hear most of my parts separately and if they all start to "talk and feel" at the same time then I'm able to settle them down by recognizing that I know they all want to speak, that what they have to say is important to me, but that I need them to "talk and feel," so to speak, one at a time. Otherwise, psychosis can set in and that can really fuck us all up. There are a couple parts that Kim doesn't do well with. Mostly, Kitty and Katie...sometimes Kay. Kay tends to side with Kitty if there's trouble. If there is conflict AND there is often conflict with Kitty. Kitty is very well developed and angry with Kim. I have to work really hard to manage Kitty. And sometimes I simply can't. She has the potential to do us all harm even if she doesn't do it intentionally. Katie is the little girl who was repeatedly abused physically, mentally, sexually etc... She doesn't come out much anymore. Only when Mom is around or she is triggered by something, but she doesn't trigger as easily as Kitty. She can act out and cause problems as well. Kay is my go-between and knows Kitty and Katie well. She's sort of like their Momma bear. When Kitty and Katie are around they experience severe PTSD, debilitating and paralyzing heartache, grief, and anxiety. They tend to get extrememly depressed. And...they tend to want to engage in very risky behavior. They have Stockholm Syndrome and want to return to the life when they were most active (sexual slave to a sadist). I, Kim, used to be a lot more stable, and I'm getting stronger...as I mentioned. I experience social anxiety, but not like the others. I'm most in-tact. This probably makes no sense! Also, I've disassociated in other ways...when I was working at the treatment trauma center there was lot of depersonalization going on...where I didn't feel like my body was my body. I think it was because I was switching SO MUCH. My headaches were horendous and my body was so stressed. When Kitty comes around it is extremely exhausting and the pain is almost more than she can take. She's most like to commit suicide too. Ok, I'm going to hit send. I hope this helps. I would re-read and try to make better sense of it all, but I don't think I can right now. Feel free to ask me questions though.
  6. Goal for the week- To leave the house once a day...even if I just walk (or run) around the short block.

  7. A new day, a fresh start, a clear head....hope to manage that all day.

  8. We all feel safe and happy at the Agricultural property, which is 26 acres of outdoor space where we have a camper trailer. It's still pretty isolating out there though. Thinking about ways to function like going to the grocery store and running errands. We will consider those options...choices are good too. We have done certain things to help with leaving the house like my car. It has GPS so I can always find my way home. We keep cash in the glove box for emergencies and We have a key pad on the door so we can lock the keys in the car. We were losing them all the time. We also go nowhere without the cell phone and we have a backup satellite service in the car in case we need help or really confused. All those things make me feel a little safer, but not enough to really be productive.
  9. That's a great idea. Do you have a therapist who specializes in DID? There are none here and ours just does the best she can. I do have a map and some parts will not communicate with other parts so we use that to check in with each other. My leader part, Kim, is very strong and level headed. Kitty, sex slave, is very emotional and in a lot of pain, and she gets us all in a lot of trouble. She tends to want to react a lot. We try to get her to talk to Kay rather than Kim as they don't get along that great, but Kay is too soft. Cerberus, protector, generally will take over if we get into a bad spot, but sometimes he sleeps through it. So, a buddy system would be a good thing to work on. Already feeling the uproar...we'll have to work it out though. It's important to our growth. We'd like to be more active. Thank you for your input.
  10. Getting a really bad headache...SO worn out by the end of the day. Feels like we ran a mental marathon. Not even sure what we did all day.

  11. We have parts with parlor opposite personalities. We isolate so that we don't do anything that would be destructive to ourself or get us into trouble. How do you handle that and still have a life? I'm afraid I'll be out and one of my parts will end up seeking out abuse or contacting someone who almost killed us before. We know where he is and he'll always welcome the chance to abuse us again. Even staying inside we have to work so hard at not reaching out to those toxic kind of people. I admit that sometimes we fail and it happens, but because we're so afraid to leave the house, it's rare that we act on it. Some parts are feeling shame to admit this.
  12. "I" Kim (leader) I can identify with a lot of the things you said, but maybe a little differently. My parts have different metal states in that they have different issues to deal with. As a result some may experience, for instance, Anxiety more than others.
  13. "I" Kim I like the way you put that Rosie. I think we make good prey for those who wish to hurt others. -Sadists Dominants Rapist Abusers Psychopaths Captures- Those are the people who carry evil. I know of those evil ones who have been so bold to say so aloud. To admit that they saw it in the way we walked and talked...in our pictures. That we looked submissive and sweet. Something the abusers took pleasure in repeatedly assaulting. Ok, so my system wants me to recognize that Kitty, Kay, and Katie parts love them and don't see them as evil. I know It's not us who are evil though and it's not ok. And nobody deserves to be mistreated. I have to hear those parts of me who love these evil people. There is no way of convincing those parts that what these evil people did was wrong and that it isn't love. Those parts long for those who have hurt us, and feel like their survival depends on those evil people who have harmed us. Those parts make it hard for us to leave the house because we can't get into that kind of trouble again. It's too much. I do understand how some may feel the way you mention, Stickler, and can see how that might seem like a logical explanation. "I" Kim am not aware of any parts of us that are evil.
  14. Finding this site where I feel like I can share honestly feels so liberating and getting support from people who truly understand feels SO validating and good. I don't know how I haven't stumbled onto here before with all the research I've done??? I guess everything happens in perfect timing.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. whatsizbucket

      whatsizbucket

      This site is wonderful. I love it!

    3. crtclms

      crtclms

      I'm required to love it. ;)

    4. enhancer

      enhancer

      Ha! This is the ONLY place that I feel no shame. I have done so much research and there is so much controversy and stigma that goes with mental illness and DID in particular. To have such accepting people around. Humanity at it's finest. It's healing...I feel like I'm in a dream (better than a nightmare, right!). Lovely...all of you...just the way you are.

  15. Thanks Gearhead and JT for the support! I had a panic attack getting ready and out the door, but I just kept breathing (and took my meds) BUT I did do it. I'm glad it was NYE too...hopefully a fresh start to the new year.