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About San

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  • Birthday 01/01/67

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  1. Yay puberty!



    1. San


      My roommate doesnt know if I'm her husband or son. :P (We joke that we're married, we aren't)

    2. tired tammy

      tired tammy

      "When it's time to change you have to *crackle* re-arrange!"

    3. Duelist


      Hooray! :D

  2. I've been to some okay, this sucks, but its not hell, and some, hey, this is like a resort with meds and room service and arts and crafts anytime I want, hospitals. I'll give you a different perspective on chemical and physical restraints I realized years after it happened. I had to drop out of college because I had a 4 month psychotic episode I barely remember spots of. I was IP, which I don't remember, and eventually got a full time job, got my meds sorted, had some friends. But. the job. I was losing it. Call centre. Average call was 60-90 minutes. We had 2 15min and one 30 min break. We were required to be there 1/2hr unpaid before to start our systems, and had to log into our phones (which were monitored "this call is being monitored for quality assurance." yes, they are going to fire that person) at exactly the hour or we'd get docked 15min pay. But if the computer wasn't up (also logged, slow as hell), we couldn't log onto our phones. So then we had to come in 45 min early. Or staggered 5 min, and come in 60 min early, next person 55.. ugh. We were allowed 6 min personal time. ie: Need to shit? Log off your phone, run out the secured phone and hope you're quick. Our computer alerted our breaks. But if we were on a call we finished the fucking call, break or not. Even the ladies at Tim Horton's yelled at us because they were the only place we could go for coffee or a sandwich for at lunch. I started smoking 2 packs a day and quit eating, it was all coffee. Then I got a call that was QA'd and got fired. I was so angry. I needed to get fired. I drove home. I had just bought that car. 4 weeks pay. I raged. I cried. I SI'd. I hated myself. I was not safe, but I hurt the hell outa myself first. My mom dropped me off at the ER because I told her she wasn't going to want to see this. I've had good and bad ER docs. This day I got bad ones. I was bawling loudly and muttering. Dropping out of school, the day I passed out in public, broke a tooth n half (again) and lost my drivers license coz someone told a paramedic I had a seizure (by law its a 6mo suspension, and the neuro was a bitch and a half) the job... I had had it. I took it out on me first. The doctors refused to suture me. "Live with it". 2 security guards roughly escorted me to the psych ward I knew well. So did the nurses. I had SI'd on my calves. Badly. The nurses tried to give me my normal meds. It was a weekend, my asshole dr, Dr A, wasn't there, so they didn't need his permission for what comes next. I grabbed my meds, in my hospital robes and loose pants, threw them (he pills) screaming, "THEY DON'T FUCKING WORK. I'LL KILL MYSELF INSTEAD". I kept yelling and stomping. Barefoot. Wrong thing to say. It was spring, and a woman had recently committed suicide on that ward. I was already in a fishtank room, across from the nurses station, bulletproof front walls, door opening, no door, toilet and sink, no door or seat on the toilet. Not seclusion, yet. There was an unopenable window to outside, no bars. Normal room if it had walls and doors. Think it had a bolted down dresser. I had a security guard posted. I was not allowed to leave my room. I heard "Code White 3315" (the old phone extension) and well, I was fucked. So I became compliant. A nurse came in with a syringe and told me I wasn't allowed pants. She wasn't mean or rough. She had me get in bed and injected me with Accuphase, a farly quick acting antipsychotic. She looked like she was going to cry. She looked me in the eyes as she left with the syringe and said "It would have been so much easier if you took the pills." Then the brigade came. Security, nurses. They had restraints. Yes, in 2007, they used the thick leather ones that are bolted by magnets, which is pretty smart. I'm also pretty small. The Accuphase was kicking in and I was crying, self pity, and feeling bad I was so mean to the nurses, because they had been so nice to me all the times before. The head nurse saw me, and I was thrashing a bit (EPS, akathisia), just angry, at me, the world, and crying. She explained what she was going to do, that I would be safe, the worst (the injection) was over now. So I let her pull the restraint over my stomach and buckle my wrists to it, and then to the siderail. Then she put them on my ankles, and did the same. She covered me in blankets. I was crying. "I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry". She said she was sorrier. The Accuphase was coming in strong. I had to make them laugh. So, my favourite nurse, Suzy (RIP) watched (she had watched everything, and she had been crying her eyes out, visible to everyone) as I got both hands out of the wrist restraints and put my hands back under my mountain of blankets. My security guard got canned for that. (And she broke confidentiality, her daughter was in my group of friends) I was not violent. Well, verbally. I was a definite danger to myself. I had hurt myself in that ward before, more than once, and I had watched others hurt, and once, kill, themselves there. Once, with pajama pants. The resraints weren't embarrassing or painful. They made me feel safe. I couldn't hurt myself or anyone else. The antipsychotic stopped the rage, the thoughts. After 2 hours, they came in and let me use the washroom, supervised. They saw my hands loose. Suzy laughed. They put me back with just the strap on my abdomen and gave me a book. I felt safe. From myself, chemically and physically restrained. I did not fight it. I saw it before, people fighting it. It ends the same way. I knew where I was going to end up, I fucked up. So I took responsibility. I was angry, not psychotic or manic. I haven't been restrained or given a chemical cocktail since then, nor do I ever again, but that was my experience.
  3. I started smoking when I was IP and it was still legal to have smoking areas. Stupidest fucking thing ever. Smokes went from $5 a pack (of 25) to $12, min. I quit, relapsed. I've quit hard drugs, and had an easier time. And I've been off hard drugs for 7 years with no cravings. People do them all around me all the time. I wasn't technically? addicted. Smokings expensive, it smells, they banned menthol in most of Canada, so on Jan 1, my smokes were contraband, and I can't stand regular. Vaping makes me puke. (I cough so much I puke) My parents spend $22/day on cigarettes. My dads bipolar and is at his worst when he tries to quit, he never does, he hits the bottle and starts smoking again after making us miserable. And he had a heart attack at 61, after he quit smoking and taking his BP meds. (bipolar meds) I'm 2 months smoke free and constantly crave. I can't get what I crave. They regulate nicotine at the border so hard. (I live near 3 crossings) I've quit so many times. I also work with sometimes dangerous, sometimes not, fumes all day, and hate respirators which can slip or lose their seal if you sweat. Wear full body head to toe protective gear in 40 C (over 100 F) plus humidity and try to keep that sealed. So its probably best I stay off smokes now.
  4. I rather like AAP's. If I didn't need a mood stabilizer (I take topamax) I'd much rather just take an AAP or AP. Less side effects.
  5. Definitely good news, glad to hear it.
  6. My family (mostly my mom). My roomate. My cat. My mentor in welding, because he helped me out a lot, and when I asked him if I should quit, if I was just wasting his time, he said he would never teach someone and encourage someone who was wasting his time, or going to fail. That kept me going. I liked what I was doing. I do know that in deep depression its hard to think of the times that were good. Even in mild depression, or psychosis, etc. It's damn near impossible. That's what led me to ECT. I couldn't see anything getting better. I couldn't keep going, if I kept going I would end up dead without intervention. Some part of me said I had to stop and fix myself (I was in college, up north) before that happened. I hate talking about that time in college, I don't mention it much, nobody really knows I even went there (I didn't graduate), and so on...
  7. I can feel it coming on... then I kinda black it out.. I lost 4 months to a psychotic episode when I was away at college. Can't remember anything except for being there, then being IP back home. I don't remember going to college, my roommates, or coming home, packing my dorm... It was the scariest thing I've ever experienced, when I look back at it. And it scared the fuck out of my family and friends. I don't really black out much anymore, I get this terrible feeling and need to isolate myself, have to be alone, and it is so fucking real and I know after that it was not real but during, it is really real and I believe it. Often I believe it after.. but insight and years of treatment and antipsychotics have stopped that. It's hard to explain. It is so real when it happens.
  8. I love Seroquel.. But tbh.. it doesn't help me with anxiety. Luvox, Lexapro are used or OCD sometimes. Here's a list of meds, mostly antidepressants, that are helpful with OCD. Luvox killed my anxiety. It was great. Most of the meds on that list are antidepressants, SSRI's or SNRI's with a couple of TCA's.
  9. I found Geodon pretty useless at pretty much any dose, for psychosis at least. My pdoc (way back, not my current one) was going to add Haldol, but it got flagged as a major interaction by my pharmacy, so I just switched to Haldol. (Long WT syndrome from Geodon + Haldol was more likely than just taking Geodon) Kinda sounds like it's not helping you out all too well. Talk to your pdoc about switching anti-psychotics, because it doesn't seem like Geodon is getting rid of your symptoms, no offense. That is a higher dose, but not the highest. For atypical antipsychotics (AAP) I found seroquel or risperdal the best for psychosis. For typicals (AP), I found loxapine and Haldol the best. Loxapine is interesting because its a borderline typical and atypical.
  10. Here, from the CDC itself. All the ingredients, risks, where the ingredients come from, etc.It's in the PDF file. Risks, too. FAQ's. Right from the horses mouth, you cannot argue their facts. Also, "mercury", aka methyl mercury. Thimerosal. Methyl mercury is the bad one. Ethyl mercury doesn't do much, if any, damage and was removed from pretty much all vaccines in the 90's. Methyl mercury is the more toxic one with a long half life. Ethyl mercury clears the system in days. There's a huge difference. And yes, very rarely used, sometimes in flu shots, and you can ask for one without. Get educated. Stop googling shit. Go straight to the facts. Yes, some people react badly. That's why they have the risk reporting system. It's not a secret that people react differently. Nothing is 100% safe. Get the real facts.
  11. We're not paid to be here, for one. Most of us have other things to do. I've been job hunting, going to appointments, etc, and I'm not always on my computer. I leave myself online because my laptop won't sleep when I close the lid, half the time, and I don't feel like fixing it. I have no obligation to respond to anyones PM, or be harassed for something because someone else broke the rules. I've been modding on this site for many years, and its sickening how people have been acting, and the way the mods and admins have been treated lately, jesus christ, we're fucking people too. We have lives. We're mentally ill, also, we have problems. So don't sit around and call us assholes because we'd rather do something else than get insulted and treated like shit, cross-examined, bitched at, told we're useless, etc, for something we've volunteered to do.
  12. Awww. I would if I could!
  13. Thank you. I would definitely miss sooo many of you if you were to leave. You've been a great friend and I wore the mitts you sent me for our swap, today, coz it was cold.