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About San

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    Lawful Evil
  • Birthday 09/30/84

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  • Gender
    trans male
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    Getting standard knowledge, no matter what it takes.

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  1. I've never been asked about a disability, just told to do a weld test, and asked if I can do rotating shifts and overtime. I got away with it last summer.. I almost got a subpoena delivered (for the sexual assault case, I told the officer that I would really rather not have that interfere with my day, it was a big plant, and I had a quota, she understood), she kept calling, I finally answered on break. That would have been awful. I've been sexually harassed at interviews, by welding inspectors.. augh. But I'm fucked if i do anythiing. So it's "Ha, ha, so funny"
  2. I don't tell anyone I have SZA, or that I'm trans (or taking testosterone) while job searching. My job coach has a file with "transman" checked, but no employer sees that, and cannot ask. My ID has an "X", not M or F. I work in construction, skilled trades, that would go badly.
  3. I have the court scene (when I had to testify against someone, in November, the cross examination part, where his lawyer broke me down) constantly running through my head at weird times. If I think about certain things, it'll trigger it.. like if I see an ad for a horse show, and it used to be held at his barn.. I ruminate on how I could have proven the lawyer wrong if he had let me get a word in.. I ruminate on all the ways I could have shot him down.. he's so guilty.. he admitted it.. but I know the detectives have the video when he admits guilt, they testified FOR me.. they told me that. But I ruminate and ruminate, wishing I had shown that lawyer up and had left the courtroom triumphant and not almost carried out and puking.. It's been 7 months.. It runs through my head. I do ruminate about how I've acted in social situations a lot.. I ruminate about a lot which my pdoc has considered pure-O OCD (obsession is well, a lot of different things, compulsion is ruminating.. hard to explain.. i read a book where the person had exactly what I feel, and explained it exactly how I am, every day) instead of anxiety NOS. It's really annoying. I ruminate about conversations I'm going to have. I always think I'm going to say a lot, but then cut myself short. I talk a lot online. Not in real life or on the phone. Text is easier for me. My poor teacher at school (welding) was dyslexic and he had to eventually tell me to stop fucking email him 2 pages of text, and open my goddamn mouth. So he gave me his home and cell phone # and refused to answer texts or emails from me. It helped! I'm better at job interviews now, at least.
  4. Ya.. its nice. We had major rain for a while. Flooding north of me.
  5. It's 23 C (75 F) here but feels like 25 C (78 F). Sunny, some clouds, but we're in thunderstorm season. We had really bad storms all last week.
  6. I highly, highly doubt it'll be forever. I can't 100% say because I'm not a doctor. (But I'm pretty damn sure it'll be fine!) I recommend you contact your GP or PCP (your physician, general practitioner, whatever you call him/her) and get blood work done, specifically prolactin. It can be affected by antipsychotics, and can go up in men or women, and can cause sexual side effects, and lactation (in men and women), enlarged breasts (men and women, as well) and low sex drive, inability to orgasm and other fun side effects. That's the bad news. It's generally not permanent, and goes away. But if you're worried, see your doc. The good news: It's a simple blood test. The blood test takes about 24 hours to get the results, and the fix is a couple pills for a bit, with a follow up blood test to make sure it's regular, because having too little can cause side effects too. I've never really had sexual side effects.. which is weird.
  7. I'd be dead without meds. I even went to a naturopath and he told me to stay on my meds, that I could probably reduce some of them throughout treatment with him but it would be up to my psychiatrist and I to decide what to do with my psych meds. They would work together with them. This is uncommon, I saw another naturopath (she offered naturopathic treatment, with Chinese Medicine as well, and diet change) who said I'd be "cured in 6 months" from her treatment, after I was off the "horrible medications". I didn't stop my meds, had a few acupuncture sessions, it felt good, but well, yoga felt the same, and that was $100/season, she wanted me in 3 times a week at $130/treatment for a half hour.. my insurance would cover $500/year. HA. These are alternative treatments, that didn't help. If I stayed with #2, I would still be getting promises of "in 6 months you'll be cured" and spending every cent on some more bullshit. I stayed with #1 for a bit, but we agreed it wasn't helping. He wasn't getting paid in cash. He was geting paid 20% of each appointment. My insurance covered 80%. I tried to go without meds in the end of 2009-2010. I made it almost 2 months. I was almost tapered off everything. No good. I was, fortunately, not in school/work at the time, and at the end of the 2nd month, I went back to school, first semester in engineering. My college tdoc/academic adviser (he was a licensed tdoc, and my best one) told me to get my ass back on meds (he knew me from my social sciences degree, a couple years before) and he saw me twice a week until I was back on meds. Fortunately, he got me before I fell too far. I was damn lucky. My mom was also, at the time, thinking "get back to pdoc". I was horribly symptomatic. That was when I learned, and my mom learned, that I will be on meds until there is a cure, or for the rest of my life. I'm fine with that, so is my mom. I'm considered in remission (by pdoc), and I'm doing stuff I missed out on. I don't want to stop meds. I know damn well what happens if I do, and that time in 2010 when I went back to college unmedicated reminds me that I function much better on them. I graduated on the Dean's List. I went back to school for a trade, welding. I'm certified in all of Canada. My first job paid $19/hr before shift premium. If I had stopped my meds? I'd be fucking dead.
  8. I'm kind of an idiot, and don't get to the hospital when I should. I have a high pain threshold, and waited 3 days before getting seen before a broken jaw and chin (note: all of my injuries are from falling off horses in some way). The oral surgeon had to clear his schedule for the day. 6 weeks wired shut (back when they still wired it shut, they don't anymore due to choking risk). That was about my most-painful-thing (from start to finish, the surgery was done under local anesthetic, I was awake, no sedation, no pain, it was just so hot in that room, but when the local wore off.. fuck) The day I broke it they should have called an ambulance. I drove home with a broken jaw, chin, concussion, in a 4cyl Mustang on icy, country roads. When I broke my ribs I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe (knocked the wind out of me) and my coach at the time told me to "get your fucking ass to the ER!" but I had to get myself there on my own and she didn't want another ambulance seen coming to her farm.. So I drove to the ER, (yay icy country roads) there's really nothing they can do but give you painkillers and make sure you didn't hurt more than your ribs (ie: lungs, kidneys) Then I broke my humerus, shattered my shoulder.. I got back on the horse, finished my lesson, went home, woke up the next day, had no grip in my right hand, but no pain.. went to the ER (in the snow) and they gave me shit.. I thought i may have dislocated my shoulder.. 6 years and a few grand later (and I live in Canada, socialized healthcare) I am pain free.. tore my rotator cuff.. they missed that on the original diagnosis. Painwise.. Jaw: 9.5, Ribs: 6, Arm: started out a , ended up almost 9. Now if I fall off and hit something other than dirt (like a jump or a wall) I get my ass to the ER. I have permanent jaw and shoulder damage.
  9. Y Yes. Get hormones checked, which is generally done at a yearly physical, especially if you take any AP or AAP. The side effects will go completely away, if its gone from your system. It took a couple weeks after my third shot (2 loading doses, 1 "normal" dose) for things to settle down. I had no hormonal problems, fortunately, but I had bad "brain fog", and the low BP (orthostatic hypotension, I think it's called, when you stand up, your blood pressure drops, and you almost faint.. I had it mildly before, then it got really bad on it) which gradually went away. I was gradually tapered up on seroquel and things were status quo. And ya, it was myself that asked about Inv.Sus. I had been on a typical AP called Piportil (its not available in the USA) and it was getting harder to find (phasing it out of pharmacies) so my pdoc let me decide, and I figured "It's new, it should be great". I do know people its been miracles for, though.
  10. I have anxiety NOS, and here are a few books I like. Some are about OCD, but can be related to, because the root feeling is anxiety, and if the author starts when it started, they are describing anxiety. They are also interesting, and well written. Most I've read a few times, and can relate with all of them a bit. I have them in e-book. It's kinda nice to be able to relate to someone else in any kind of way, even if the diagnosis isn't exactly the same. I like this book: Monkey Mind: A Memoir of Anxiety, which is a good memoir, it's easy to relate to, and a good read. It is something out there that really explains what anxiety is like for those that have diagnosed anxiety. The author has a sense of humour, which makes it an even better read, because the cringey parts (especially the ones you can relate to) are funny, not ohmygod. Then there is Triggered: A Memoir of OCD which is OCD, of course, but also anxiety, and is a good read, and a quick read, which I've read more than once. They call it "doubting disorder" which is a good description, especially for anxiety and OCD. I really enjoyed amen, amen, amen, A Memoir of a Girl Who Couldn't Stop Praying which is a good memoir of a girl growing up, she starts having really bad anxiety around 10 years old, and it shows her growing up with the anxiety, how she controls it as she ages, when she seeks help, what her life and friendships are like.. It's inspiring, and I could relate. I found the earlier parts less OCD and more "generalized anxiety" but it is a book easy to relate with. Most of the books are about OCD, but the anxiety part of the OCD is easy to relate with. Nowhere Near Normal is also a good book about a girl growing up with anxiety and later diagnosed with OCD. It's easy to relate to as well, and is a good read. Those are about the only anxiety/OCD ones I can find on my tablet right now.
  11. The tablet/injection of ailify (aripiprazole) are about equivalent in strength, or else there wouldn't really be a need to have an injection and pills of the same medication.. if anything, the injection would be stronger, you'd figure, but I'm not a pharmacist, and I'm not your doctor. You are in charge of your body and medications, and ultimately, have the final say, so there is nothing wrong with asking your pdoc for abilify in tablet form for a while. The depot injection takes a bit to leave your system. The worst the pdoc can say is no, right? I'm not a pdoc, I don't know you, or your history, so my advice is to ask your pdoc, and see them frequently, and if you notice you being unwell, to see them ASAP. If you're stable on abilify injections, then the pill really isn't that different. Clozapine is a bit of a pain in the ass.. But it does work well.
  12. I've switched between benzo's a bunch of times.. I can also go up and down doses no problem.. I'm lucky I suppose? I went from 1mg Ativan (lorazepam) to 20mg Valium (diazepam) a day.. then was switched to Xanax (alprazolam) , and it went up to 0.5mg x 4/day, which was later switched to up to x 4 a day, and I tapered to 1.5mg/day (0.5mg x 3/day) and had no problem. Then I was switched to Valium, 30mg/day (10mg am, 20mg pm) and had a really shitty few days and my pdoc was out of town, so after 2 days, he finally called in the Xanax, at 0.5mg, 4x's a day PRN (as needed) and I returned the valium to the pharmacy and got my Xanax back.. I was on Xanax from 2008-2013, my pdoc retired, my new pdoc said Klonopin (clonazepam) was longer acting, and he put me on 1.5mg/day (0.5mg x 3) and I tapered over with no problems, and eventually due to akathisia and anxiety, he raised it to up to 3mg a day (1mg x 3) and I took it like that for a bit, then switched meds around, felt less anxious, so he said I could take up to 3mg/day, so I went to 0.5mg when I got up, 0.5mg in the afternoon and 1mg at night. I currently take 0.5mg as needed with an Rx of up to 3mg a day, I rarely take anywhere near that. When I switched from Xanax to Klonopin, the first dose of 0.5mg klonopin I took knocked me right out, but only the first dose! The only trouble I've had switching was from Xanax to Valium. Xanax and Ativan are the faster acting, short life spans, harder to get off, benzo's, while Klonopin and Valium have longer half lives and kick in slower, and stay in longer. I've had no problems with klonopin.
  13. My old GP, he moved away, really great guy, but he once said, during an appointment, not knowing I was into kinks, and not knowing exactly what this was, said "Are you into pony play? What is it?' He had no idea. His wife (also a doctor at that practice) had just given birth, so they were alternating sleeping/taking care of the baby. He was flipping through channels when the baby was asleep, and heard something.. and guessed because I'm a horseback rider, and talk about it a lot (mostly because I had a lot of injuries back then), that I'd know about the fetish (or kink, whichever you prefer) of pony play. I laughed and said "Oh, that's a fetish". He said "Oh no! I had no idea! Please don't tell anyone I said that. How inappropriate! I thought it was a kind of competition you'd enter!" He looked absolutely horrified. I felt bad, but I nearly died laughing. I stopped myself, and we never spoke of it again. Damn, I miss him, he was a really great GP. I guess we could have talked about pretty much everything!
  14. 4-8 months depending on how you metabolize it. It has a half life of 49 days, and meds take 5 half lives to leave your system completely. I had shitty side effects from it, mostly cognitive and low low blood pressure (tanked when I stood up, that sucked) and when my pdoc said to stop it, I hadn't even peaked from the dose yet. I used to prefer long lasting injections, but my pdoc doesn't like typicals due to long term (10-15 years from now, as well as availability from pharmacies) effects, and the Inv.Sus. just.. nope. Oddly, I didn't get akathisia from the Inv.Sus, and I get that from almost everything. Back to good 'ol Seroquel. I know some people that do really well on it, however. Everyones different.
  15. Was on Risperdal Depot for a bit. 37.5mg. Works well. Good for mood, decent for psychosis. I take it orally now. If they give you the option of glutes/deltoid, go for glutes. Deltoid frigging sucked.