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About Shortstuff

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    In My Head

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  1. I've been on the low dose (20 mg) for eleven days. I feel like this stubborn bipolar depression is actually starting to back off. I want to keep it at this dose a long while and just see what it does. Little problems with sleep so they let me start taking it in the morning. Actually slept last night! I don't want to up it unless absolutely necessary, so I don't have any major issues with side effects. This thread has been really informative. Appreciate so much information.
  2. Shorty's Photography

  3. That is exactly what I've been doing the last couple of days. The new meds I was put on seem to be starting to help too. I'm actually doing pretty good. Thank you for the replies, I appreciate it.
  4. Thanks, I really appreciate it. I think it's going to take me time to understand all of this. I'm just so frustrated at the whole situation.
  5. It's been a little over two weeks since I broke up with him. Right now I'm still on a roller coaster of emotions, from happy to depressed to angry. Everyone I know is happy I split up with him, they don't understand how hard it's been for me. With the holidays everyone has been busy and I barely have anyone I can talk to about it. It just all around sucks. I met him in May, when he moved into my building (lesson #1: don't date anyone in your apartment building). His reputation in town preceded him and I went out of my way to avoid him. I knew his sister and mother, whom are both schizophrenic, on meds and doing okay. I'd heard he had it too but that he refused treatment for it. So I knew that going in. By the end of June, we were hanging out a lot. When you think of paranoid schizophrenia, he truly could be the poster child for it. I honestly had never seen untreated schizophrenia so it was completely new for me. He was full of delusions, paranoia and sometimes auditory hallucinations. But it wasn't that horrible and he turned out to be really nice, extremely funny and smart and a total cuddle bug. We had so much fun together. I think in July, it became a relationship. It was mostly good. We rarely argued and when we did it was over stupid stuff and only lasted a few minutes. We were sleeping at each other's apartments, eating meals together, drinking together a lot (he's an alcoholic, I'm a binge drinker, I know, not good), taking day trips around the area, etc. It was just a lot of fun. Over September, October and November, I could tell his schizophrenia was getting worse. I mean, he has sets of good and bad days, but it just seemed he was starting to experience more of the bad than he was when we were first together. He's convinced people (especially cops) are hiding out in the ceiling tiles, people are breaking into his place, people are in the hall when there is nobody there, that the police are plotting to put him in prison, the government is after him, that all the tenants have keys to his apartment and come in when he's gone, etc. When ever he gets zits on his back, he's convinced they are RF resistors that the gov't has implanted in him. That he has to get them out. He'd spend sometimes hours in front of the mirror, with a steak knife, digging into his back until he had basically bloody craters. The amount of scarring on his back, shoulders and upper arms shows how long that has been going on. He won't even take a tylenol for a headache, because he thinks the govt puts trackers in them, etc. He also believes that mental illness doesn't exist. At all. And that there is nothing wrong with him. That everyone else is wrong and only he is right. There is nothing you can say to even crack any of what he believes. It just is. He's had a lot of run ins with the police in places he's lived. The part that worries me the most though, is that he's also armed. He keeps a loaded hand gun in his apartment. The cops are aware he has it but they can't do anything about it. So anyways, by December it was getting to be too much. He was getting distant, arrogant, angry, staying up sometimes for days at a time and our sex life was gone. Then, I realized I'd become part of the delusions. He started blaming me for being in his apartment when he wasn't there (I don't have a key, I never did have one), putting up cameras to spy on him. After accusing me multiple times, I finally had to walk away. I have so much of my own stuff to deal with anyhow. I realized how much more stress I was absorbing from him. I'd been walking on eggshells, not sure which version of him I was going to get on any given day. Walking away was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Because of my BPD and how it used to really wreck my life (before CBT, DBT, meds, etc.), I spend over a decade alone, because I didn't want to mess anyone else up with my stuff. That was until I met him in May. So it was a really big deal for me to open up enough to let someone in. And he really helped me so much and I got really close to him. Then it was just... gone. It hit me really hard a few days after I broke up with him and I OD'd and ended up in the hospital for almost a week. I've been home now for four days. I'm still trying to get my head straightened out after all this. I don't hate him, I know he's ill. I'm just really hurt and trying to sort through it all. Sorry this is so long. I just needed to vent.
  6. It's 2am and I'm completely wide awake damnit:(

  7. Lately it feels like everything is so much worse than it was a couple months ago. Actually, I haven't been this bad in almost two years. My moods are up and down all day. Not just mild but extremes. I get really happy and almost euphoric, then I'm angry and raging, later I'll be so depressed I'm crying for no reason. I haven't had any self harm issues in two years either but in February I got really stressed out and before I knew it I was doing it again. I get to feeling so hopeless I don't even want to move. Sometimes I just go in my head and just sit there, doing nothing. I'm not sleeping well and have had nightmares, I go from binge eating to not eating at all, I have no motivation to do anything around the house. I feel like it's never going to get any better, my mental health, my situation, being on disability at 35, that I'll never have a photography career, that this is it, forever. I felt very uncomfortable scheduling an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist. I don't like him, don't trust him, but for now I'm stuck with him. Last time, in February, when I told him it wasn't going well with my meds, he yelled at me, talked down to me and it really rattled me. I think it was the trigger that started this whole snowball effect. He's since apologized and has been nicer, but I'm still leery to say anything. I did talk to my therapist after group Thursday and she was shocked when I told her all this, because she thought I was fine in group. I wasn't but I put on my "I'm fine" routine in group. There are things I just can't talk about there. None of the others are self harmers and I kinda feel like the odd one out. She's going to go in with me Monday when I see the doctor to make sure it goes okay which I appreciate. I feel like the meds are doing nothing at all. The Gabapentin seemed to help the first two and a half weeks or so and then dropped off. On top of all the other stuff, my anxiety has been through the roof. Sometimes I can't leave the house for days. I get too paranoid of everything. I just don't know how to handle it all. I'm trying to not have to go on the unit. If it got really bad, I would. I just can't seem to use any of the coping skills they are trying to teach me. It's so frustrating and honestly, exhausting. I want to get through this weekend as best I can. Maybe I just need to try hard to stay busy so I don't think so much. Not even sure why I'm writing this, maybe just to hear that others have made it through a bad spell. -Misty
  8. Gabapentin has been helping lift my mood as well as tone down my physical anxiety symptoms. For me, it makes me not want to eat much so I've actually been dropping a bit of weight, not gaining. Next month I may ask to up it a little, since I'm on 600mg and I'd just like to see of it takes a bit more of the edge off at say, 900mg. Everyone is different, but I like it so far.
  9. It went really well. I built it up so much worse in my mind that I was a wreck by the time group was done. The therapist who runs the group is a really lovely and compassion person who has been through social anxiety, ect. She offered to come with me to see the doctor and I was grateful. First thing he did was apologize. He said he didn't mean to make me react that way and it wouldn't happen again. He said he was happy I came back, that he didn't think I would. We talked about all the impulse stuff I've been doing and my anxiety being bad, especially the social phobia. He started me on Gabapentin 300mg twice a day. I need to do some reading up on it yet. I don't see him for like six weeks, unless something comes up before then. He wants to just test it out for a while. They also sucked me into another group, for DBT, so they will be keeping me busy. I'm glad it went well.
  10. Well, I've had a lot of time to mull things over. With limited resources in my area I didn't want to make a rash decision. Thank you so much for the opinions because I really needed to take a good look at every angle. I decided to actually give this doctor another go. It's an appointment by appointment thing for now, if he upsets me, I'm gone. I was told when I tried to make an appointment that I was being put on a waiting list (maybe because I technically wasn't his patient anymore?) and panicked because I was going to be out of meds in two weeks. I called my pharmacy and they said sometimes sending over a request works, so they did. It must have gotten to him because my meds were refilled without seeing him. In the meantime I thought, well, I WILL sit down and type out some of the stuff I'm dealing with right now, I have so many symptoms and everything is aggrivated. I also wanted to write out what he did that made me uncomfortable and upset, my reactions to it, how it can't happen again and I wrote why. That I'm a really triggery type borderline who stays quiet but then goes home and takes everything out on myself, etc. I said in it that I'll walk right out the door if he gets pissy at me again, I don't care how frustrating it is, he can't be a jerk. It started out as one page, a week later, was seven.... In the end, it was actually pretty theraputic for me. I ditched at least some of the pent up anger and frustration from the last month but I also gave a lot of backround on my symptoms and abuse I went through and just caught him up to date in a way. Then I mailed it to his office. It took me a couple days to have the guts to do it, but I thought, if I'm going to try this again, he needs to read it before I come in. By the next morning, his office called and booked me into a late afternoon slot for today, after a group I have in the same building. So, that is that. I'm stressed already this morning but trying to take it in stride. Going to go have coffee with a friend and spin a load of laundry and just keep mildly busy so I don't ruminate over and over and over all morning. It will be fine. If it's not, then I chose someone else. If he can be more patient, then it might actually help. He's young, excited about his profession and I'm starting to hear he's very good at meds. Just needs to curb his patience level. Even if we can just find a way to tone down my anxiety some, because it's maaaaaaaaaaaad out of control right now (along with impulses and depression, etc). I'm so sick of my symptoms and spring is here and my photography will pick up soon and I don't want to be hiding in the house doing nothing. I'm really nervous, not so much for going into his office, but because I sorta dumped thirty years of crap down on paper and was more honest than I normally am, I'm not good at all at admitting I'm struggling. I generally wait until I'm falling off the mental cliff before I say anything. But after a lot of thinking, I thought, what good does that do? Nobody can help if I don't do my part and say something. I don't like it, even in writing, it makes me feel super exposed for some reason. But hey, at least I don't have to sit and try to give a backstory, it's all in there. I'll probably post later this evening, depending on how it goes.
  11. Cleaning anxiety

    Thank you for starting this thread, it sounds like me too. My apartment is a disaster right now.... And it makes me feel worse than I already do. I look around and my stress goes up immediately. Why can't I just do it? I can't even have anyone over and haven't in months. I made a list yesterday of the things I really need to get done. It was two pages long. I looked at it, got overwhelmed, cried my eyes out and ended up doing nothing on the list. I've had a couple friends offer to help, but I can't... I'd be so embarrassed if anyone saw it all. I really don't know what to do. Every day I get up and I'm like, today I'm going to get it going and do stuff! But I barely even start and end up online or watching Netflix to hide from it all. The replies here make me feel like I'm not the only one and that is at least comforting.
  12. I overeat badly when I'm depressed, though once in a while I go the other way. It frustrates me now more than ever, because I worked my butt off this last year to lose weight. I've went from 180 to 132 in a year (I'm 5'1" tall). Because I'm so short I'm still kinda pudgy and would like to get to 120 by mid summer. With my depression and anxiety hitting hard these last few months I feel like I'm sabataging my own hard work. I still don't really understand why I impulsively run to mass amounts of carby and sugary foods when depressed, I end up feeling worse after, both mentally and physically. It's very frustrating!
  13. Any other adult cutters out there?

    I'm 35 and have had self harm issues since 12 or 13. I went almost two years without cutting, which was a long time for me. Unfortunately with a lot of unnecessary added stress these last two weeks, I let it get the better of me again. It wasn't the only impulse I've acted on lately and I feel angry with myself for falling back into old habits. It has me really down because I feel like I'm no better off than I was when I was twenty years ago and that this is just the way I'm always going to be. I posted in the therapy section about my bad new psychiatrist and this all started after my last appointment. All the therapy work I've done the last couple years and now I'm just, wondering if it even helped much. It is nice to know there are other adults who still have issues with this.
  14. You all have given me a LOT to think about. I've discussed this with friends and family as well, but I knew I would get more constructive opinions here because of experience with psychiatrists. I still don't know for sure what I'm going to do. I feel like I've been pushed into a corner with this. I live in such a rural area, we only have 3 psychiatrists around here. The one I was seeing, the other young new one from the same university and a woman who is based forty miles away who does video conference appointments through a clinic up here. That's all we have. I don't drive and am on a tight budget, so traveling the forty miles to see someone down there would be extremely difficult to do. I'd worry about having to depend on others to get there and if there is something that came up and I had to go in sooner, it would be an issue. So I feel stuck. They normally don't, but are giving me the option to see the other new guy if I don't want to go back to this one. I know nothing about him but know he's had complaints too, though I don't know what for. I have enough meds until the 19th and I feel like I can't sit too much longer on it or I won't get an appointment in time. I have so much crap going on with depression, severe anxiety, fighting my borderline impulses and this isn't helping because it's just going round and round in my head. It's got me too stressed out. Starting to think at this point my best option would be to switch doctors but to who? I thought about well, maybe at least go in and tell him how it affected me, but I think if I did, writing it might be better. My stress level would be just amped if I had to actually sit down and talk to him. You all are right, it isn't worth the risk and I do deserve someone better. I know my case is very complicated and I need someone who's dealt with complicated before. Out of the three, only the lady by video has that experience. But do I want to have a doc by video? Is that even a good thing? All I know is I'm tired of worrying about it and tired of it making me so stressed. I just want to get my meds sorted and be treated better during the process.... -M
  15. Thanks for the responses. I need to clarify that my caseworker was at all three visits, maybe I forgot to say that in the first post. I'd brought her with because I forget things I need to say while in there (my memory sucks) and I'm glad I did. She became a great advocate because she witnessed and remembered all of it when I didn't remember much. I just don't know yet, but your comments are helping give me a lot to think on. I appreciate it. -M