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Shortstuff

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Everything posted by Shortstuff

  1. It's been a little over two weeks since I broke up with him. Right now I'm still on a roller coaster of emotions, from happy to depressed to angry. Everyone I know is happy I split up with him, they don't understand how hard it's been for me. With the holidays everyone has been busy and I barely have anyone I can talk to about it. It just all around sucks. I met him in May, when he moved into my building (lesson #1: don't date anyone in your apartment building). His reputation in town preceded him and I went out of my way to avoid him. I knew his sister and mother, whom are both schizophrenic, on meds and doing okay. I'd heard he had it too but that he refused treatment for it. So I knew that going in. By the end of June, we were hanging out a lot. When you think of paranoid schizophrenia, he truly could be the poster child for it. I honestly had never seen untreated schizophrenia so it was completely new for me. He was full of delusions, paranoia and sometimes auditory hallucinations. But it wasn't that horrible and he turned out to be really nice, extremely funny and smart and a total cuddle bug. We had so much fun together. I think in July, it became a relationship. It was mostly good. We rarely argued and when we did it was over stupid stuff and only lasted a few minutes. We were sleeping at each other's apartments, eating meals together, drinking together a lot (he's an alcoholic, I'm a binge drinker, I know, not good), taking day trips around the area, etc. It was just a lot of fun. Over September, October and November, I could tell his schizophrenia was getting worse. I mean, he has sets of good and bad days, but it just seemed he was starting to experience more of the bad than he was when we were first together. He's convinced people (especially cops) are hiding out in the ceiling tiles, people are breaking into his place, people are in the hall when there is nobody there, that the police are plotting to put him in prison, the government is after him, that all the tenants have keys to his apartment and come in when he's gone, etc. When ever he gets zits on his back, he's convinced they are RF resistors that the gov't has implanted in him. That he has to get them out. He'd spend sometimes hours in front of the mirror, with a steak knife, digging into his back until he had basically bloody craters. The amount of scarring on his back, shoulders and upper arms shows how long that has been going on. He won't even take a tylenol for a headache, because he thinks the govt puts trackers in them, etc. He also believes that mental illness doesn't exist. At all. And that there is nothing wrong with him. That everyone else is wrong and only he is right. There is nothing you can say to even crack any of what he believes. It just is. He's had a lot of run ins with the police in places he's lived. The part that worries me the most though, is that he's also armed. He keeps a loaded hand gun in his apartment. The cops are aware he has it but they can't do anything about it. So anyways, by December it was getting to be too much. He was getting distant, arrogant, angry, staying up sometimes for days at a time and our sex life was gone. Then, I realized I'd become part of the delusions. He started blaming me for being in his apartment when he wasn't there (I don't have a key, I never did have one), putting up cameras to spy on him. After accusing me multiple times, I finally had to walk away. I have so much of my own stuff to deal with anyhow. I realized how much more stress I was absorbing from him. I'd been walking on eggshells, not sure which version of him I was going to get on any given day. Walking away was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Because of my BPD and how it used to really wreck my life (before CBT, DBT, meds, etc.), I spend over a decade alone, because I didn't want to mess anyone else up with my stuff. That was until I met him in May. So it was a really big deal for me to open up enough to let someone in. And he really helped me so much and I got really close to him. Then it was just... gone. It hit me really hard a few days after I broke up with him and I OD'd and ended up in the hospital for almost a week. I've been home now for four days. I'm still trying to get my head straightened out after all this. I don't hate him, I know he's ill. I'm just really hurt and trying to sort through it all. Sorry this is so long. I just needed to vent.
  2. I've been on the low dose (20 mg) for eleven days. I feel like this stubborn bipolar depression is actually starting to back off. I want to keep it at this dose a long while and just see what it does. Little problems with sleep so they let me start taking it in the morning. Actually slept last night! I don't want to up it unless absolutely necessary, so I don't have any major issues with side effects. This thread has been really informative. Appreciate so much information.
  3. Miss Bronte Kitty

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  4. Shorty's Photography

  5. Bondi Crashing

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  6. Carnival Times

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  7. Red Reflections

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  8. Art & Water

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  9. In The Air

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  10. Autumn Views

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  11. Shooting The Moon

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  12. Ready To Go

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  13. Stormy Days

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  14. Sunshine

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  15. Riding In The Mist

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  16. Aussie Waves

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  17. Icy Mornings

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  18. Aboriginal Tunes

    From the album Shorty's Photography

  19. That is exactly what I've been doing the last couple of days. The new meds I was put on seem to be starting to help too. I'm actually doing pretty good. Thank you for the replies, I appreciate it.
  20. Thanks, I really appreciate it. I think it's going to take me time to understand all of this. I'm just so frustrated at the whole situation.
  21. It's 2am and I'm completely wide awake damnit:(

  22. Lately it feels like everything is so much worse than it was a couple months ago. Actually, I haven't been this bad in almost two years. My moods are up and down all day. Not just mild but extremes. I get really happy and almost euphoric, then I'm angry and raging, later I'll be so depressed I'm crying for no reason. I haven't had any self harm issues in two years either but in February I got really stressed out and before I knew it I was doing it again. I get to feeling so hopeless I don't even want to move. Sometimes I just go in my head and just sit there, doing nothing. I'm not sleeping well and have had nightmares, I go from binge eating to not eating at all, I have no motivation to do anything around the house. I feel like it's never going to get any better, my mental health, my situation, being on disability at 35, that I'll never have a photography career, that this is it, forever. I felt very uncomfortable scheduling an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist. I don't like him, don't trust him, but for now I'm stuck with him. Last time, in February, when I told him it wasn't going well with my meds, he yelled at me, talked down to me and it really rattled me. I think it was the trigger that started this whole snowball effect. He's since apologized and has been nicer, but I'm still leery to say anything. I did talk to my therapist after group Thursday and she was shocked when I told her all this, because she thought I was fine in group. I wasn't but I put on my "I'm fine" routine in group. There are things I just can't talk about there. None of the others are self harmers and I kinda feel like the odd one out. She's going to go in with me Monday when I see the doctor to make sure it goes okay which I appreciate. I feel like the meds are doing nothing at all. The Gabapentin seemed to help the first two and a half weeks or so and then dropped off. On top of all the other stuff, my anxiety has been through the roof. Sometimes I can't leave the house for days. I get too paranoid of everything. I just don't know how to handle it all. I'm trying to not have to go on the unit. If it got really bad, I would. I just can't seem to use any of the coping skills they are trying to teach me. It's so frustrating and honestly, exhausting. I want to get through this weekend as best I can. Maybe I just need to try hard to stay busy so I don't think so much. Not even sure why I'm writing this, maybe just to hear that others have made it through a bad spell. -Misty
  23. Gabapentin has been helping lift my mood as well as tone down my physical anxiety symptoms. For me, it makes me not want to eat much so I've actually been dropping a bit of weight, not gaining. Next month I may ask to up it a little, since I'm on 600mg and I'd just like to see of it takes a bit more of the edge off at say, 900mg. Everyone is different, but I like it so far.
  24. I haven't posted here in a long while, but I knew this would be the board to write this at. I kinda need some suggestions and ideas for me, but also for my new psychiatrist. My psychiatrist of four years, retired in January and he was the best doc I ever had (other than my current psychologist). He was older and had decades upon decades of experience. He could read your emotions and was very kind and understanding. I think he was better in the compassion/bedside manner department than he was with meds, though he was smart there too. I was lucky he was my doctor. He helped me trust doctors. When he retired we all were assigned one of two new doctors. The other long term doc left last summer, hence why they'd hired two new doctors. And they are new. Less than a year experience, just out of school new. I was given the doctor that looks like Patrick Dempsey. Not necessarily a bad thing.... Though I've heard rumors chicks are actually making extra appointments to see this guy more...totally knew that would happen lol... Anyhow, this guy, he's very smart, very book smart. I guess he went to school to be a surgeon first. The problem is, he acts like a surgeon. He has great intentions but comes off insulting, too pushy, disrespectful, too much ego? He really lacks the other half of being a psychiatrist. Not to say they should all be really nice or anything, but he gets frustrated and yells at patients and talks down to them. He doesn't really listen to what you are saying, makes up his mind before you've said anything and just....well, comes off as a jerk. I was lucky I had my caseworker with me. The first two visits he was just as nice as, but the third visit he pulled all this. It made me so uncomfortable (years of childhood abuse in my past) when he got loud that I froze. I couldn't even leave. I did my old school age trick of "hiding in plain sight" where I just withdrew until the appointment was over. Wasn't seeing, wasn't listening, didn't even feel my body anymore. It was there but I wasn't. I fired him the next day. Both myself and my caseworker filed complaints and she made a lot of noise to the healthcare system in my area that employs him. It took a week but my caseworker ended up in a meeting with the president of the system. And he had a lot to say. This new doc has had many complaints for the same thing, so he knew about the issues. Both of the new docs were trained at the same university medical center, they have been pumping out new psychiatrists like an assembly line and they do not teach them this part of their job. At all. He said even the new doctors know it's an issue and they are trying to learn. He said they are trying to break this doc out of the harsh training he had and get him down to a more talk able level, ect. I guess the board is going to call me this afternoon to talk to me directly, but the president wants me to give him one more try. They appreciated that I've been a long term patient and that, other than this, I like their staff, ect very much. I've gotten apologies from different levels in administration as well. So now I'm stuck. Do I make an appointment or not. I don't normally give anyone second chances if they make me so upset, so this would be an exception. Maybe this doc won't figure it all out, but what if he does and ends up helping a lot of people? Can someone learn how to be more empathetic? I'm not going to decide until next week, I need more time to think. I'm writing this here, because if I do decide to see him, I'm going to have a few things I need to say to him and with that, maybe some suggestions. What do you suggest to a doctor? It's normally the other way around. But they tell me he's open to learning and suggestions and self improvement. And he knows he needs to work on it. If you were able to talk to a shiny brand new psychiatrist, what would your advice be, based on being a long term patient? I might make a list to take with me, if I go. Not in a mean way or anything, but just like, these might help? -Misty (Sorry for any typos, did this on an IPad using the fine technique of two finger typist)
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