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Hopelessly Broken

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About Hopelessly Broken

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    Human-like zombie

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  • Gender
    trans male

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  1. random thoughts!

    No, that's not what its for. Its for the toys that look torches. Put it in them. Apparently its more like actual sex that way. As for myself. I wonder if I will ever get to experience fully waking up. Especially without the sensation of having been run over by a huge truck whilst drunk off my head. Also, will the black clouds looming in my brain ever leave. Apparently not.
  2. Depends on various factors like which state you live in, your age, your gender, your income, what level of coverage, your gap, what type of coverage (just hospital or hospital and extras, what type of extras if so etc) and the insurance company itself. Typically you need a high level of hospital at least to start reducing psych restrictions.
  3. Yes, you're right. That is something that is rather odd about gender, however that doesn't come from you, it comes from others and societal standards of the gender. Most things in this world are in fact completely irrelevant to gender, but unfortunately the tradition of male and female makes people not realise it. That should begin to pass and fade away as the children of millenials and generation Z come into the world as older teens and young adults with enough place in society to change the way it runs, because the vast majority of Millenials and generation Z's don't have traditional beliefs, and oppose them strongly. I think the reason why people think that gender applies to everything is because it is part of our overall identity, which is something that doesn't change. That said, it also doesn't belong to anyone else, so yeah. Personally, there are a lot of times in life where I have wanted to tell someone, you know what, I am not some kind of toy or object, I belong to me only, and its only my right to say who I am and to apply it or not apply it. But of course, over the years I have learnt that my honesty isn't very appreciated and is often perceived as socially inappropriate, so I say nothing. At the end of the day it comes back to you. Do you consider yourself to be a female, and if so what can I do to remind myself that those things people believe are not true, they are just societal expectations that are my own choice as to whether or not I meet them. I am a woman because I am a woman, simple as that, and woman doesn't have to apply to the way I think or behave. For example, a lot of people in my life believe that I should be this huge tank of muscles and doing sport, and that I should be proud of the fact men get treated as better than everyone else because I am part of the male community. Well, sorry, but I'm not. And to be quite frank, you can shove that up your rear end, I don't believe in that whatsoever and I don't believe in the pressures that society places on people to look a certain way just because of their gender. My gender isn't glued to everyone else's eyeballs, it is glued within my brain, thanks.
  4. What album best describes your MI?

    None can come close to a full capture of mine. And that's not so bad, I don't really need to hear yet another repeat of it. However, I would have to say Linkin Park, Meteora. Or Bring Me The Horizon, Sempiternal.
  5. At a loss.

    Its not really symptom reduction I care about, its the functional impairments and the amount I'm suffering because of them. IMO it is more important that I can move on with life (and actually have a life) than it is to not be symptomatic, I have been ill this long so I can put up with it, and honestly I don't even believe in symptom reduction for me anymore. It is how I deal with it that is the issue. Symptom reduction approaches are just proving to fail me and prolong my suffering. The expectations just aren't what I can realistically achieve and it exacerbates the belief I am a failure. Obviously not ideal.
  6. At a loss.

    I wasn't able to get treatment because of my lack of response to almost 50 different pills, OK. I have tried everything that can be prescribed in my country for major depression. If you don't believe me, that is your problem. It took that 4 years to even find a psychiatrist that didn't immediately say no to my GPs referral, it was not my choice. There is a reason why I am receiving disability funding due to being significantly and permanently disabled. I would not lie about my treatment history or my illnesses and I don't appreciate you claiming that I am. You don't know me, you have no clue what kind of shit and abuse I have faced as a result of treatment, you don't know how much failure I have had to put up with, you don't know how many times I have tried to kill myself, you don't know about the external factors that effect my quality of life. You just know what I bother to say, so you have no right to claim that I am a liar just because you don't know how things work where I live. I have tried numerous times to explain how it all works in my time here, unless you are also living here it makes no sense, and I haven't got the energy to waste on people who refuse to believe me. I put effort into making sure I am clear and concise, still no one gives me any answer. Guess its my own fault for expecting one to begin with. All I asked for is how people would come to terms with my OP if they were in my position or a similar position. Because whether you believe it or not, I am not just pulling it out of my ass when I say I have no choice.
  7. At a loss.

    Just forget it. Thanks, but I can't be bothered explaining how things work where I live. Like I said multiple times above, its obvious I wasted my time writing that lengthy post. Rest assured that I am never going to ask for advice here again.
  8. At a loss.

    I'm not. I have never taken any psychiatrist's words as gospel. I believe what evidence proves. And yes, I have. We don't have the amount of options in my country that the US has. I wouldn't have written that if it was full of shit. I don't wish to go over my entire treatment history because almost no one here will believe me. And I am 23 in June, yes. May as well be 80 though. I have been getting treatment since I started school for reasons that are pointless to disclose.
  9. At a loss.

    There is no bigger picture for me. My brain can't see it. And as much as I appreciate your comment, I can't believe you, either. I may be young in age, but I am old in experience and I have been this way for almost 15 years now. If you can believe that and it helps, cool. For me it just makes my reality worse. And the reason why my brain can't see the bigger picture is less about depression than it is just the way my brain works. I have a lot of crap in my past, really horrible shit that most people will never have to deal with that I can't access the treatment required to get past. If I could, maybe it would be less dismal.
  10. I do, yes. I have no shame towards my illnesses at all. I deal with the generally dismal responses by accepting that I can't change or control how other people respond to me. I can only manage how it effects me. They are my issues, I own them, I am the one who knows the truth and I get by with that. Comparing myself to others serves no beneficial use to me, nor does expecting others to understand what I go through each day, so I have learnt to reduce doing both of those for my own personal sanity. I have learnt to not care what others think of me, for the most part. Call it self-absorbed, but it is my life, no one else's. I have too much time on my hands to allow myself to care what others think of me. Obviously if their behaviour is abusive, that is a different story. I don't care to lie to myself for the sake of someone else. Yes, I tend to be private about my mental illnesses, but if someone asks or it is a requirement to disclose, I tell them. Not everything, but the basics. I don't understand isolation, to be quite honest. At all. I don't need to be around people to validate myself. I don't require reassurances or reinforcements from anyone. In fact I purposely isolate myself as a coping mechanism because people are exhausting. If people don't want to understand, that is their problem. If they can't, so be it, its not the end of the world, and really, if I am so desperate for external validation, my life requires a reassessment, because that is no sustainable or functional way to exist. I look at myself and my inner life and find ways to enrich both of them instead. Lonely to me equals literally not being able to have a place in the world that I am compatible with for my own wellbeing. Has nothing to do with social interaction at all. Yes, I do deal with that, it's part of my life and there is nothing I can do about it except learn to accept myself and the way I am as a person.
  11. At a loss.

    Could I just clarify some things? I am not asking for sympathy or coddling, or sorry. I am not asking for people to make presumptions about my feelings, and I am not asking to have experiences compared like has happened here. Not asking for praise or prayers or any of that. I am asking if what he suggests is even reasonable and if so, how would you deal with it and come to terms with it without allowing distortions to take over. That is all. If these can't be answered, then it would be appreciated that I am told so, so I am not waiting for or expecting such answers.
  12. At a loss.

    I've been very suicidal for a long time now, coming up 15 years actually. My advice is to accept the process as it is, if hospital is part of it, than there is a reason for it, and take the offer. I won't share my experience with hospitals but I have a lot of it. If its where you need to be, then its where you need to be. College can wait if it needs to, your life cannot.
  13. At a loss.

    The apology is mine. Sorry if I offended you. I knew I shouldn't have asked this because it is not typical for people here to have gotten to this place, or even believe it exists at all. Sorry for the burden.
  14. At a loss.

    I'm an atheist, so I don't know how to say it nicely, but I don't want or need any prayers, which is why I said no, its fine. I don't believe in faith and I know nothing can help me. Thanks anyways.
  15. At a loss.

    Um, no, its fine.... I wasted my time writing this so it doesn't matter. I know I won't get an answer.