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Hopelessly Broken

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About Hopelessly Broken

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    Human-like zombie

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    trans male

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  1. Many internal dialogues for me, too. Many have said I know myself too well. Yes, well. That is the result of what I have been dealt with in the grand old Cards of Life. In many ways I haven't had the choice not to.
  2. I must say that I don't particularly agree with the term disability or deficit, either, certainly not by the neurotypical standard anyways. I have learnt myself as an adult that it is ultimately my autism to own, therefore I am the only one who can genuinely say what either of those mean, and what about my autism actually are those things. To no surprise, what I class as a deficit is not what the outside world classes as a deficit, and what they class as a deficit is not one to me. I say that most of my autism isn't a disability at all, but a set of different abilities. What is a disability resides externally from me, not as part of me directly. Try to get the neurotypical to understand that, I have learnt to not waste my time on it, because they never will. I guess I struggle with knowing what my natural functionality is, because I have always had to deal with mental illness as well, as a result I have never been that functional. It is hard for me to know which parts of that are from me, and which parts are from the mental illness, and at this point in time, why that even matters if I am deemed unworthy of functional assistance. I can understand your defiance of others who don't understand you. I am like that as well, or I would be if I had the option to choose to be that way. That is what most people despise about me most, actually, they think I am a self-serving asshole who cares about no one except me. I think I do deny a lot of my own pain, though, just not consciously. I have a lot of garbage to deal with and I am someone who has a "what's done is done" attitude. The way I have survived all of my trauma is denial of pain in and of itself, because I have been frozen off and detached from it. I see it, but I can't really feel it because I am too numb to. Thus I can deny it is even there to begin with. Plus I deny it by not even calling what I have endured pain. I don't ever openly say I am in pain because it makes no sense to admit that when I feel no such thing. Pain isn't even an impact of what I have endured that I admit to, because if it is there, I can't access it. I admit to my issues, sure, but they are right here with me, so much so that they too have made up parts of what makes me, me. In a way you could say that not letting go of them is a form of denial. Not admitting that I am afraid that if I did, I would no longer be me anymore because at this time I have nothing else of substance about me. I find myself just wanting to be me and having a similar attitude towards the world as a whole. I often wonder what I would be doing if I had the chance to actually be me in entirety, but if I'm honest, that hurts me because I can't be at this time, and when or even if I will be able to attain the resources to do so is unknown. I guess you could say this all part of being a young adult, finding your place in the world, your purpose, etc. All I have found is I would rather not be a part of the world if it denies me of such basic humanity to even be myself authentically, and that the purpose I set out to achieve some 5 years ago when I entered adulthood isn't even achievable.
  3. No, that answer is great, it explains why it was a relief. Not that there needs to be a reason, but learning more about yourself is definitely a relief and I understand that. Somehow for me, being diagnosed hasn't taught me much of anything I didn't already know about myself. Maybe because I was still a child, I just didn't really need a label for what is different about me. I noticed that I am different from a very young age due to the types of environments I grew up in, and my responses to the trauma being extremely different to other kids, and to what was expected clinically. In kindergarten, I knew I was different because the other kids made friends and didn't get bullied, I have never been interested in friends and have always been more interested in learning in the educational setting, I never understood why friends or interacting needed to be part of that, and saw it as something that got in my way of learning. I knew I was different because other kids were more interested in more things than I was. They enjoyed things, and I didn't. They understood each other, but not me, nor did I understand them. So long story short, but I already knew I am different and being diagnosed didn't and still doesn't provide me any information about me that I don't know already. I don't see why I need to fit in anywhere, not saying that is what you're implying, because it isn't, but that desire just doesn't exist in me. Maybe my depression isn't organic, then. That is something I have always wanted to learn, what is actually depression and where does it come from. It seems most of where mine comes from is the trauma and negative shit in my life that results from being a minority figure. Obviously meds are not going to do anything for that. But no one seems to take that seriously. And you're right, no one notices or listens to me when I tell them the connections between my behaviours, cognitive style, learning style and being autistic, they don't want to hear it, because it sounds like an excuse to them. So I guess that explains why I am still stuck here. Would you say it is also uncommon for us to not respond to meds if we are mentally ill? That doesn't come from being autistic?
  4. Which is all good and well when there is actually something that needs fixing...... Autism ain't one of them. I wouldn't be this traumatised and mentally ill if that mindset didn't exist. Ironic, isn't it just?
  5. I was referring to the ASD diagnosis specifically, but I guess I did mention mental illness, so thanks for your input. I was meaning what is the point in a mental illness diagnosis when being autistic makes it near impossible to get well or even be noticed, however. I have been diagnosed with mental illness since I was 8, mostly trauma related diagnoses, then at 11 I was diagnosed with dysthymic disorder, and at 12 I was diagnosed with MDD with dysthymic features, which is now persistent depressive disorder with current MDD episode. Nothing has changed since then except getting worse. Obviously my depressive illness is now recurrent and my mental illnesses overall are categorised as severe and persistent with complex needs. I just don't see the point in being diagnosed with either anymore, because it hasn't helped me at all. So much of what could have been a proper child development and life is gone down the drain. I'm at the end of the road in terms of what is available to me for the mental illnesses I have, regardless of if people here believe me or not. And the autism, is well, autism, part of who I am regardless of having the official diagnosis or not. Everything the diagnosis is meant to do hasn't happened for me at all.
  6. With childhood vs adult diagnosis and any differences between them. I have experience with both, because my official diagnosis changed just after after I turned 18 as a result of the DSM 5. My experience with both are similar, but also very different at the same time. Specifically, what is your opinion about the risks and benefits associated with both or either? I have spoken to a wide array of adults who were diagnosed as an adult and have an entirely different experience to mine that is largely unrelatable. Not that I have any desire to be anything besides just myself, but for me that has been rather alienating, and given my history due to what happened to me as a result of my original, childhood diagnosis, that has complicated my life and adjustment to being an autistic adult. I find myself lost as to what kind of development I missed out on, and what sort of adult milestones are realistic for me to aspire towards. There really isn't much of any literature out there about how an autistic person develops as we age, what type of milestones if any are average for an autistic person, or really much of anything on how to even "life" at all. All I have really noticed is that the same shaming attitudes that I received as a child continue on, except now I am more aware of them and how the pressure of them impacts me. I realise I have privilege that many autistic people do not in being able to use verbal communication, even though most of the time I am ignored and not taken seriously regardless. My ability to say no and have my own opinions has made social affairs both even more not worth the effort and exhausting, and the vast majority of adults in my life despise me because I'm not interested in socialising with them. They see that as an attack towards them, when really it is just that I would rather be alone, and have no ill intent towards them at all. As a result of the changes in the DSM 5, most if not all of the disability providers I have met as an adult think I am a huge joke, and unworthy of any actual assistance whatsoever. I kind of have the opinion that there wasn't really much of any point in receiving the updated diagnosis, and I am aware that I am technically one of the "lucky" ones who didn't get kicked off the spectrum entirely. I mean, it doesn't help me in any way at all and I already know that I am autistic, diagnosis or not, really all the diagnosis is for is to help gain equal access to services and participation in life overall, at least to me. But then there is the reality of I didn't really ever actually receive that to begin with. Me being diagnosed has always had a very negative impact on me due to how the people around me chose/choose to perceive me as a result of it. I have never really been treated like an actual human being in my life. So how am I supposed to consider myself as one and believe I am actually worth living? So many people just outright refuse to believe what happened to me as a result of the above, and of those who have, most have said that I will easily recover from it because I have survived so much. I find it hard to believe that, because being autistic is one of, if not the largest fundamentals of me. After so many years of enduring what I had to because of how others viewed me, there comes a point where things are beyond repair, or at least repair that is tangible. I'm not ashamed of who I am anymore, which is an achievement I will actually acknowledge, but I can't help but say that I am still broken regardless. I just got used to being broken, to having to deal with it. I have spoken to several other autistic adults who told me it was a relief to be diagnosed. I don't understand how, all I can do is wish that were true for me too, and that I could actually get on with my life. Is that relief a mindset that could be possible for me to achieve, or did it just happen? I have had a lot of people tell me it must be great that I was diagnosed as a kid and had the chance to receive early intervention. I pride myself with my honesty, but more and more as time goes on, it is harder to say what really happened instead, because they either don't believe me at all, or tell me that I am so put together for someone who had to endure so much. Which is honestly a load of shit, because I am not, and I am more than sick of people not noticing regardless of how much effort I put in to tell them. It makes me think the same about my mental illnesses, what is the point if having the diagnoses can't get me any real help? Don't want to be all woe is me, but it is hard for me to see others be able to get well whilst I am still here in this never ending blackhole I have been in for most of my life. I have done nothing but give every last effort towards getting well to no avail at best, and getting further abused at worst. I wonder why it is I am like this, and all I can think of is that it is probably because I am autistic. The traits I have just make me more susceptible to treatment resistance and going unnoticed, among other things. Treating me is hard work and a challenge that no professional seems to have the appropriate training in, nor willingness to learn. I just look like some undead creature that has nothing wrong with me besides that. I have wasted so much time trying to do exactly what a mentally ill person is supposed to, but again, why and what is the point when professionals don't even notice, or are just plain sick to death of me not getting anywhere? I will spare you the rest, because as far as it seems, this isn't very common. All I really want to know is if it is my fault I am still stuck here because I am the one with the rigidity and lacklustre presentation as a result of being autistic, or is it, I don't know, something that I should just forget about because ignorance never ends? Has there been a point in being diagnosed for you, or has it changed as a result of maturity and life experience? I am in no way a fan of the diagnosis that replaced Asperger's for me because it fails to describe me in a holistic, properly described manner, and makes me seem more functional than I actually am just because my IQ is average and I have verbal capacity. As soon as I received it, I stopped being viewed as autistic enough to be worth any assistance, which is pretty ironic and shitty given that I am in need of it, and it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to notice that. I mean, the unit I live in, I have almost lost several times due to executive functioning deficits, the every day state of the place is close to being a dumpster, I am not able to do any activities of daily living on a regular basis, if at all, without causing some issue. I am getting absolutely nowhere with anything. I'm bored out of my damned skull, it is a wonder I have maintained the limited sanity I have left. I am stuck in negative behavioural patterns that I have tried getting out of, both on my own and by seeking out professional help, but have received none. Nothing besides well you are intelligent, fix it yourself. I have to remind myself to bite my tongue, because the reply to that would be rude to most people even though it is true. Plus, I don't really gain anything from sounding up myself. But really, if it had anything to do with intelligence, yes, I would be capable of fixing the problems myself and would have already. I would not bother reaching out if it wasn't an absolute necessity. And that doesn't mean I think that professionals are useless or inadequate, that is just the way I am. I'm just so tired of it. Being autistic is one thing, dealing with everyone else and their dumbass, misinformed attitudes and perceptions is a whole other beast, and frankly, worse because it is actually bad. What does it take to be treated and valued as another human adult in this screwed up world? I'm apparently not meeting the requirements.
  7. Too rare to offer advice without it being ridiculed is basically what that implies. But point taken.
  8. Interesting indeed. Thanks for letting me know that both my effort and the illness I suffer from is viewed as a false dichotomy. I really appreciate it.
  9. Memes that make you go hmm 🤔

  10. Good luck, and I truly hope that you find some information that resonates with you.
  11. Sounds more like an emotional flashback than pervasive emotional intensity. You can visit Pete Walker's website for information on managing them, and his book Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving is a must have if you are interested in a decent education from both a professional and lived experience perspective, as he both lives with it and treats it in a private practice. The website Out Of The Storm is a support site for complex trauma survivors, if interested. I'm afraid I can't help with grounding skills, my specific survival mechanisms are dissociative and very strong, and I am not yet at a place in my journey where I am stable enough to be comfortable without dissociative symptoms for various reasons. Pete Walker's site and book discusses it well, however. Sometimes they don't make sense, and they don't have to in order to be valid. I understand the shame, though, very well. Mine is fading away with acceptance towards the fact I didn't cause or ask for this to happen, but yes, emotional flashbacks can be rather embarrassing. For me, I struggle a lot with the sense of immaturity they cause. For me, it also helps to know why the trigger is one at all, and why it keeps showing up, it just adds some degree of basis to support the validity of it all. It also teaches me to care more about it. I can't express mine, either, but I have my own story to say why that is at this point in time. I prefer not to see it as sensitivity but as an available means to let go at this point in time, I spent my whole childhood not being able to, so it makes sense that it is out of control to a point now. Although I don't see it that way, I see it as being acceptable given all I have faced in life. Shutting it off does nothing but make it worse. You have to accept it and let it pass, because it will, and believe me, I very rarely say that, and I wouldn't unless I truly meant it. This is part of what made DBT rather contraindicated for me, it made the numbness a lot worse and reinforced that emotions are something I should ignore because they aren't rational and cause bad things to happen. It also made me more dissociative and worsened the shame by not being able to respond to the self-regulation skills like seemingly everyone else. I found it to be an invalidating module of therapy overall that undermined me and how ingrained my issues are.
  12. No problem, by no means am I a master at it, it takes time and a lot of skill that you unfortunately miss out on developing in the case of child abuse/childhood trauma. I have just educated myself rather vastly as a result of the lack of knowledge about complex PTSD, and expertise in treating it.
  13. BlahBlah, I believe I have read you state that you have complex trauma, am I right? If that is the case, this and a lot of other things you describe around CB are indicative of present complex PTSD symptoms, which look similar to BPD from a distance, but require different treatment. In fact, for some people, treatment that is for BPD makes complex PTSD symptoms worse and more ingrained than they were to start off with, which is unfortunately what happened to me, because I had what Raspberry describes and if it isn't effectively treated, often it is believed to become a personality disorder, which may be true for some people, but it is actually more common to develop into complex PTSD, not a personality disorder. The difference is that complex PTSD is a set of learned survival mechanisms, a personality disorder is a set of dysfunctional traits that cause harm to the person, and or other people as a means of coping with triggers in the environment. This is an important distinction to make, one that can change the treatment necessary quite a lot. Is the emotional intensity really that, or is it a flashback? A flashback usually doesn't last and tends to come from a specific trigger, however it isn't always noticeable without learning how to notice. Flashbacks also typically have a sense of familiarity about them that indicates the emotion/s are tied to the trigger and some trauma in the past that happened during a time you were unable to express emotions freely for some reason or another. The only way to manage a flashback is by recognising it as one and learning to accept it and ground yourself back into the present time. Over time, doing that will reduce their intensity and frequency if you are also free to express yourself and emotions elsewhere in your life. You can think of these flashbacks as a drip down effect of a lack of emotional expression, as you indicated, it is not possible to go about life in such a way that you have no emotions without consequence. The flashbacks are one of the consequences.
  14. Like I'm not even alive. I barely grasp onto existence, but living, I have no clue what that even is. As far as I am concerned, it is just another facet of humanity I can't have. I have no memory whatsoever of not being consumed by depression. Nothing to look back on to build even the most miniscule degree of belief and hope that things will ever change for me in a way that isn't getting worse. Physically drained, weighed down by invisible lead and bricks. Can barely keep my eyes open, and to be frank, it is hard to care enough to try to. In fact, I don't really care about anything, that's apathy for you. The only thing I have any real motivation for is something I can't have, besides that my own death is all I have any motivation towards or interest in. In fact, I'm obsessed with it. Suicidal preoccupations swirl and swirl around in my brain 24/7, I even see it when I am asleep, and most of my so called waking hours are spent on active suicidal behaviour that I don't bother to mention or tell anyone about, why when nothing can be done to make it fuck off for once? I have spent months meticulously planning my suicide. The only reason I am physically alive kills me inside because I can't have it. Being alive, or so that is what everyone else calls it, seems like nothing but a bunch of irrational trash to me. I often ponder upon the philosophy and genuine supposed irrationality of suicide, wondering if it is that at all, and if it is actually the methods used to keep us here that are just plain insanity. I believe my existence has no purpose whatsoever, and is completely meaningless, and it doesn't disturb me at all. I have zero understanding towards people who enjoy being emotionally numb and dead. I have been that my whole life thanks to this illness, and it has taken much from me. Every activity I do is worthless and so mundane that it is disturbing. I get no stimulation from anything, and the failure that comes with persistently trying to or even just knowing that other people can is the bane of my existence. I'm more like a robot or zombie than an actual human. Due to other illnesses, I have come to believe punishment is necessary to continue the arduous ordeal of survival. I have absurd levels of guilt towards taking resources from people who could actually benefit from them, and towards being a hopeless dependent on the system that has truly fucked me over in every way possible against my will. I don't consider myself to be deserving of anything except punishment. However, that also applies to various treatment methods I have had the misfortune of being subjected to. I don't deserve to be treated like a criminal for being ill, so even though I spend most of my time in a crisis, I refuse to reach out again out of self-protection. It isn't like being suicidal is taken seriously where I live anyways. I just put up with it myself. I am used to it, and it has shaped me into what and who I am today, as has depression overall. I am virtually non-functional when it comes to activities of daily living and responsibilities. I am very self-critical and beat myself up psychologically constantly. I believe I am a failure, and that everything I do is a failure or inadequate in some way or another. The most fucked up part of depression for me is that I have been stuck in it for so long that I accept it as part of my personality. I have given up all attempts to so called get better, I have wasted far too much on it to no avail. I don't and can't believe anything positive said about me. Gaining support is impossible. I am so alienated that no one really understands what it is like to be limited to this degree. My depression is considered so long standing and severe that is a disability that causes substantial impairment in every day life.
  15. Of course it has evolved. I was just referring to me specifically. Cerberus was only giving me a specific example to base off of by using that caveman analogy, or at least I assume that was part of his intention, obviously we don't function in that manner today. I don't post here to belong, so no, I don't consider it to be belonging or a need to belong. I don't have any interest in belonging except to myself. It is social, yes, but that's it. I don't boil belonging down to just being called friends. To me, it resides from not wanting to be or feel alone, and to be part of something larger and collective. I have no issue with being alone, and I don't really agree with the collective mindset for me as an individual. I don't consider insinuating influence on society part of survival. I would consider that thriving or actually living a life because it isn't, to me anyways, a primal part of physiology, it is more like an accessory or add-on that we choose to express in whatever way fits for us. I can't do that at this stage in my life for reasons that are not relevant to disclose, but of course, if I could, I would play my part in impacting society. That is a moral thing, though, every day socialising is not and that is what I display the anhedonia towards.