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Hopelessly Broken

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About Hopelessly Broken

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    Human-like zombie

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    trans male

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  1. Weird that is. It is natural to me because I have always been that way. I am the opposite, accessing and having emotions and emotional reactions is a lot less natural, disturbing and very hard for me. But I have other things that contribute to it that are more primary than my depression. Honestly, as I get older it impairs my functioning more and more, and I grow rather tired of having no option but to just put up with it. It is rather hard to deal with when it comes to activities that are supposed to be stimulating, enjoyable or pleasurable, and being able to take on responsibilities in terms of daily functioning. Oh well. Its only been about 14 years, still here obviously.
  2. I have no idea how transition relates to normal teenage development on any level at all. We already know who we are, we transition to affirm it socially, legally and medically/physically if necessary. No one has their dysphoria magically cured. There is no cure. That wasn't what I meant by testosterone not being able to change everything. I am not and was never looking for a cure, I would be failing myself if I do. I meant there are physical parts and functions of the body it can't change, that even surgery can't change, in addition to those social and legal things it obviously doesn't change, that nothing and no one can change except people of power. I know dysphoria is life long, I wouldn't have gone on to medically transition if I didn't understand that. I medically transition so that I can have a chance to live a better quality of life, not to be cured. That would be just as much of a lie as having to have the wrong body to me. It wasn't that you said that social and legal transition are insignificant, it was that you never mentioned it, and the wording you used made it seem to me that being influenced by how others portray you, and having issues with being portrayed incorrectly is not part of being a trans person. You also said to self-identify is not healthy, to me that came across as slandering the early part of social transition that exists. Giving the impression that staying in the closet and not admitting who you are is better until you look the part. So, no, you were not very clear, however that is my problem and I apologise.
  3. As a trans person, hate to say it, but you really should know better than to assume there is only one track trans people can or do follow in regards to transition. You should also know that transition isn't just a medical and physical thing, and dysphoria isn't either. I have been taking testosterone for almost 5 years now, my dysphoria is actually worse than it worse pre-T because of what it can't change, and because as an adult, I am more impacted by and aware of social, political and legal issues that effect me and my ability to be who I am without putting myself at risk. For some, medical and physical transition, and body dysphoria is the most significant, it is for me, but that doesn't mean I don't have social or legal dysphoria because of those types of things I need to change to be myself and fit into society as myself. Nor does it mean those types of dysphoria are less than the former, because they are not. All of those types of dysphoria can lead to suicide, mental illness, self-harm, homelessness, poverty, and all of the consequences of not being able to change the things related to them include possible discrimination, harassment, transphobia, even to the extent of abuse and murder. For example, in my country I am not allowed to get photo identification without a birth certificate that has my gender on it, but to change my birth certificate I must get sterilised and provide medical proof of that, as well as proof of not being married. There are so few surgeons who will operate on trans people where I live, I have spent years trying to find one and have only met discrimination and rejection. I cannot even prove I am an adult and I have been physically assaulted for it by police officers. I cannot get a job, go to higher education or vote because you need photo identification to do all of those things. This doesn't effect me physically like hormones do, but to say that is not significant, that not having the right to have identification is not a violation of a person's humanity, is false. It is devastating, depressing and absolutely embarrassing. That is just one example of what dysphoria can look like socially and legally. I cannot leave my own home without believing that someone will assault me again, and I believe that I am worthless because I can't even get a job to provide myself with adequate finances to live yet alone save and pay for the hefty medical expense that comes with being who I am. Every day, I believe I am nothing but a costume because I am unable to do what I need to do to be the real me. A costume, not even a real person. The way people look at me and address me for what I look like on the outside causes me to withdraw even more socially, because it is too hard to sit there with someone knowing that they have absolutely no idea what it is like to have the wrong body, to be addressed only as a body that isn't even mine and that could very well lead to my suicide if I don't have the chance to be who I am. Hormones and surgery can help physically speaking, but they don't change laws or politics, and they don't change how trans people are treated and neglected by society. They don't change how many of us are murdered and abused every day. Nothing we can do changes those things. As for self-identification, don't all trans people do that. Even those of us who require a diagnosis of gender dysphoria to get treatment do that, it is a part of transitioning. Why would we ever get diagnosed with gender dysphoria if we didn't do that first? Seems rather impossible to me. How would we know we are trans without that? Seems like you are saying that social and legal transition is of no significance, and that social and legal issues that effect trans people are not, either. Obviously being autistic has also effected my transition and added to those problems. My transition was delayed because of it, I have been abused because of it, it has almost cost me my life more times than I can count. That "being autistic means you are too stupid or unable to know who you are, or to make informed decisions about yourself" attitude almost killed me. It needs to be taken more seriously, because it does kill a lot of autistic trans people. We have enough shit to deal with in our lives without bureaucracy and bigotry added to it.
  4. Put up with it. I spend 99% of my time like it, in fact that is part of my depression. Nothing helps, so I just suck it up, accept it and life goes on regardless.
  5. I took 45 mg at night. Was way too sedating for me though and made my depression worse because I have atypical depression symptoms. Personally I don't consider meditation to be therapy. Its garbage. Same thing for mindfulness. I'm talking about therapy that actually works with your thinking processes.
  6. Do you have issues with sedation on your current meds? If not I would say the atypical antidepressant, Mirtazapine, if you haven't already tried that. I was on that for the longest of all the meds I have tried, and even though I was trying it for my MDD, it helped a lot more with that. You could also try increasing your antipsychotic. Although I would say that therapy would probably be of more use than meds for that, at least that was the case for me.
  7. Could you be more specific? In my experience there is more than 1 type of anxiety exclusive to being autistic. For example, overanalysing anxiety, the type of anxiety that comes with thinking too much, specifically with analysing things too much, and the need to find a solution to all of your problems, or rather doing it so much that you can't find one, or just simply not finding one at all regardless. Sensory anxiety, the type of anxiety that comes from ill-fitting sensory input, whether that be too much or not enough. Communication/social anxiety, the type of anxiety that comes from inevitable misinterpretations both on your behalf and other people's behalf, or anxiety in fear of such occurring in the near future. Change anxiety, the type of anxiety that comes from life transitions, and even from any future of trying something new and unfamiliar.
  8. depersonalization

    No problem.
  9. depersonalization

    I would suggest Pete Walker's website, this part will tell you about the typologies http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm , or his book Surviving To Thriving, which has a lot more in detail info on recovery and symptoms overall.
  10. depersonalization

    Do you know what your survival type/mode is? Sounds like there is a freeze component in it somewhere. Usually finding that out and researching it will give you some answers as to how to deal with the common responses it has.
  11. depersonalization

    No, quite the opposite actually. That response is to be expected until you learn to accept your emotions and validate them fully which is the opposite to what the abusers did, and why it happens, at least in a lot of cases, and that seems the most likely for you.
  12. random thoughts!

    No, that's not what its for. Its for the toys that look torches. Put it in them. Apparently its more like actual sex that way. As for myself. I wonder if I will ever get to experience fully waking up. Especially without the sensation of having been run over by a huge truck whilst drunk off my head. Also, will the black clouds looming in my brain ever leave. Apparently not.
  13. Depends on various factors like which state you live in, your age, your gender, your income, what level of coverage, your gap, what type of coverage (just hospital or hospital and extras, what type of extras if so etc) and the insurance company itself. Typically you need a high level of hospital at least to start reducing psych restrictions.
  14. Yes, you're right. That is something that is rather odd about gender, however that doesn't come from you, it comes from others and societal standards of the gender. Most things in this world are in fact completely irrelevant to gender, but unfortunately the tradition of male and female makes people not realise it. That should begin to pass and fade away as the children of millenials and generation Z come into the world as older teens and young adults with enough place in society to change the way it runs, because the vast majority of Millenials and generation Z's don't have traditional beliefs, and oppose them strongly. I think the reason why people think that gender applies to everything is because it is part of our overall identity, which is something that doesn't change. That said, it also doesn't belong to anyone else, so yeah. Personally, there are a lot of times in life where I have wanted to tell someone, you know what, I am not some kind of toy or object, I belong to me only, and its only my right to say who I am and to apply it or not apply it. But of course, over the years I have learnt that my honesty isn't very appreciated and is often perceived as socially inappropriate, so I say nothing. At the end of the day it comes back to you. Do you consider yourself to be a female, and if so what can I do to remind myself that those things people believe are not true, they are just societal expectations that are my own choice as to whether or not I meet them. I am a woman because I am a woman, simple as that, and woman doesn't have to apply to the way I think or behave. For example, a lot of people in my life believe that I should be this huge tank of muscles and doing sport, and that I should be proud of the fact men get treated as better than everyone else because I am part of the male community. Well, sorry, but I'm not. And to be quite frank, you can shove that up your rear end, I don't believe in that whatsoever and I don't believe in the pressures that society places on people to look a certain way just because of their gender. My gender isn't glued to everyone else's eyeballs, it is glued within my brain, thanks.
  15. What album best describes your MI?

    None can come close to a full capture of mine. And that's not so bad, I don't really need to hear yet another repeat of it. However, I would have to say Linkin Park, Meteora. Or Bring Me The Horizon, Sempiternal.