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Distant Rabbit

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  1. yet again

    I'm really tired of feeling like this. I'm having SH urges again. I think I know at least one of the triggers: I quit seeing my therapist, and now I regret it. But it was hard to afford the co-pays, and I didn't feel like it was actually helping. I wasn't really improving. But now I feel more hopeless. If therapy doesn't work, will anything work? Cutting would just help me feel better for now.
  2. Bothered by urges

    Urges are so hard. You're right. I think it's great that you haven't SI in 10 years.
  3. I used to have similar fears. It really haunted me for years. Believing oneself to be evil and deserving of Hell is truly horrible. I'm sorry you are going though this. For me, talking to a therapist was a lot more helpful than talking to religious people. I think it was because my belief in the evil in myself was actually irrational, although it was very strong. Thinking of you.
  4. I used the hormonal birth control patch for a number of years with no problems. I don't think it impacted my moods at all. I was taking mood stabilizers at the same time.
  5. Yesterday I had pretty strong self-harm urges triggered by trauma memories. I tried my usual distractions (TV, crochet) but it wasn't really helping. So I tried calling my DBT therapist for phone coaching. This was the first time I'd tried calling, and it made me really nervous. But she called me back and had good suggestions. One idea was to do distractions that required more mental effort. Even when I'm crocheting, I'm still thinking a lot. So she suggested trying a new skill, like origami. And it actually worked. Amazing. Not just like preventing me from SI but still really really wanting to, but it actually reduced the urge. I watched Youtube videos of different origami creations, and followed them step by step. My mind got engaged and I stopped thinking about self harm. I can't believe this actually worked. I kind of want to document it here so next time I can believe it is possible.
  6. I think I would be dead without meds also. I am more creative the less crazy I am, too.
  7. I wanted to self harm but instead I...

    This evening I played some sudoko Now what?
  8. Just want to get better

    Hi Lisa, It is great that you were able to go for a year without cutting. What do you think helped then? I'm glad you started up with a therapist again. I had over a ten year break from self harm in my 20's and early 30's, and now am struggling with it again, so I know relapses can be discouraging.
  9. Trying not to relapse

    You are doing a great job at resisting! That is so hard to do. Is there anything you can do that is fun, relaxing or enjoyable? I know it can be hard to even think of something like that when you feel horrible, let alone actually enjoy it. But that sometimes helps me. I try to do things like eating icecream, shopping, or doing crafts. Thinking of you.
  10. Trying not to

    Thank you, Tryp and Geek. I think each day since Sunday has gotten a little better. I can distract myself pretty well at work but it is harder at home. I did text one of my friends Sunday night and she was really helpful and supportive. I do worry about burning people out with being too needy, but at least for now it seems ok with this friend. The suggestions to do nurturing things sound good, but honestly it is difficult. I struggle to take baths or showers on a regular basis. I think if I still feel badly on Friday I will call pdoc. I see tdoc tomorrow, not sure if that will make things better or worse.
  11. Trying not to

    I've already messed up and self harmed today but now I'm trying not to do it again. I felt frightened while I was doing it. I wanted to injure myself more severely than I usually do and I was frightened because of the places on my body I wanted to hurt. I know this was triggered by a specific abuse memory but I don't know what to do about it. When this image is replaying in my head I feel aroused by it. I'm so ashamed it is hard to even type this. I wanted the arousal to go away so I harmed myself in an area of my body related to this memory. It helped for a while but now I want to do it again. I feel lonely and afraid. I'd appreciate any kind words. Thank you.
  12. I wanted to self harm but instead I...

    Last time I posted on here I was able to delay SI for a couple days- not great but better than nothing, I guess. Now I'm trying to distract/delay by crocheting and watching TV.
  13. I wanted to self harm but instead I...

    instead I did some crochet, texted with a friend, did laundry, took a bath, had dinner I wish I could say these things helped. It feels like I'm just delaying the inevitable. But I tell myself if at each moment I just delay it a little more it will be ok.
  14. School is destroying my MH

    I dropped out of college twice because it made my bipolar so much worse. I did manage to complete my degree, and I went on to get a Masters. I think school is inherently stressful so it can be a huge trigger. Take care of yourself.
  15. I've taken Depakote for 15 years, and for me it has been totally worth it. Fatigue is the only big side effect, so I take it right before bed.And it has been mostly effective.