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About onsenseal

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  1. I haven't seen you around. Where art thou?

    1. onsenseal


      Sliding through the snow

    2. trailmix


      Slide this way. We miss you!

  2. That doesn't look like a seal...

    1. onsenseal


      You don't look like a seal.

    2. Retromancer


      I'm a penguin ... on the inside


  3. Where is Chat? I need the Chat. :(
  4. Hope you make it to school. Accomplish stuff always makes me feel good. Good luck and good night

  5. I saw a box of crayons for really cheap and I considered buying them, because they were so pretty, but I didn't want to spend even more money. Maybe I should have. I bought oil pastels instead. I don't really know how to use them and it's really annoying to wipe it from my fingers after touching and smearing them on paper, but they're pretty and the colors are really intense.
  6. Wow. This is very intense. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, but it's great that you found your way through this and got help. What you wrote about painting is very interesting. A few days ago I just bought a whole bunch of colored pencils and sketch blocks after feeling the strong urge to do so, the first drawing tools I bought after 10 years or so. I like having the materials around me and I carry a part of them everywhere. I don't know why I like them so much, maybe it's because they're the only colors in my black-white world. I can't really draw or paint well and I doubt I'll ever be able to, but that doesn't matter. Emotionally I'm like a figure skater who sometimes slips and crashes too easily. It can be very hard to get up again, because my feelings and thoughts of desperation break out keep pulling me down violently and I slip again. I have to almost equally violently distract and detach myself, seperate myself from my thoughts and feelings. Drawing helps me keep my focus on something else, no matter if it's just colorizing or actual drawing. SH doesn't make me feel any better, just consuming media is not enough, and other activities require too much verbal thinking. It's pretty straight forward.
  7. I like how they basically assume that only MI people can be "evil" and would use guns for bad purposes.
  8. I like the AvPD monster, poor little thing.
  9. The tactile experiences I sometimes have when I think about it feel like an electric shock in my chest that spreads through the body. I can't say it feels good, nor can I say it feels bad. It's a surprisingly real/physical experience. It feels somewhat ecstatic and sedating. I wonder what it actually is.
  10. You just found one at least. I'm basically the same except from the other side and it hasn't been 2 full years of hormone therapy yet. I'm sorry that I can't give you any advise. All that you wrote seems to be true, the current medical treatment is insufficient in many cases, but there's not much of an alternative yet. I'm also getting more and more depressed, but dysphoria makes successful treatment seem impossible and life undesirable. I tried to find reading materials and books about coping with dysphoria but I couldn't really find anything. It's like a curse.
  11. Hi I still wonder why I registered at a place called "CrazyBoards.org". I seriously don't know. I guess some part of me thought that's a good idea, so I'll play along with it. I wasn't sure wether I should post this or not. I must have rewritten it around 50 times. I'm a student in my early 20s and the weirdest part about me is probably that I've been lacking the will to live for most of my life. I have some thoughts that are typical for severely depressed people, although I don't feel severely depressed nor do those thoughts frighten me. Unsurprisingly, I'm diagnosed with depression and was prescribed Sertraline, Hydroxyzine and Mirtazapine and a few others. I'm also diagnosed with gender dysphoria, but I don't intend to live as a transsexual, which is basically the only treatment available. I'm conscious that my decision has reached self-destructive levels, but I can't help it. I don't think the alternative is better. At least I'm on cross-sex-hormone therapy which alleviates it just enough to have energy to distract myself (I wasn't able to get out of the bed before and looked really sick). Since I accepted that I'm going to live a life that I don't want, I feel like I'm falling into nothingness, with nowhere to hold on, wondering where I'll end up. Weirdly enough, I don't really suffer that much anymore, because I care less. I'm also not scared of dying, but I'm scared that the neurotic behavioural patterns that I've accumulated recently might turn into something more serious. I was even panicking about the possibility that I'm already delusional but not even noticing it. Currently it seems fine, but I feel like i have to be careful becaue I don't trust my brain. That being said, I don't think I'll make many posts here, since I don't think I have anything of value to say, but I felt like introducing myself.