onsenseal

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About onsenseal

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  1. It's been almost 2 years since I created my account here and I'm still alive. Maybe we should count the years we stay alive since birth. We could call them lifedays or.. maybe birthdays or something.

    1. empty inside

      empty inside

      you know i think you may be onto something...........

  2. It's too hot.

  3. If you really really hate someone wish them a long and unhappy life.

  4. seal seal seal!

    1. onsenseal

      onsenseal

      *barks in seal language* alice alice alice

  5. Not sure if this is the right place but I think that people here might understand it better. It seems that every time I see a professional they start digging, we talk about my problems and self-rejection and then we end up talking about the gender identity topic which triggers negative feelings. If depression is like freezing to death, then this is like burning to death. Where the cold sometimes is merciful enough to numb you, the fire can be felt in every cell and does not let you go. Telling them to avoid the topic only works until their patience is gone. If I think about it too much I have to fight the urge to yell or smash something because if I tense up too much I start crying and that would be unpleasant. That's why I didn't see any kind of professional in a while. It doesn't lead anywhere. I know everything i need to know. I live as my birth sex and I won't transition. I spent most of the last few days in bed... or was it weeks? Months? Years? I can't tell if I'm physically sick or incredibly psychosomatic. Recently the depression fog got a bit too opaque and heavy so I had to dig out some antidepressants and hope they'll work this time. I don't know if anyone here feels in a similar way but this sucks.
  6. The more you work on your mental health the more people think you're crazy, isn't that weird?

  7. It doesn't feel like it would mean anything or change anything. Something to write in a report for the health insurance and other docs so they approximately know what might be wrong with you.
  8. Time is like a huge eraser that slowly erases everything behind us until all that is left are faint memories which eventually will be erased too.

  9. How many pdocs and tdocs have to tell you you're MI until you're MI?

    1. toast

      toast

      That reminds me of that old commercial for tootsie roll, where the character asks, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. The owl, i think it was, goes 1...2...3 (and then bites it). His answer was 3, but obviously the point was something else. The commercial is meant to be a joke, but I think it illustrates the subjective nature of things.

  10. It kind of feels like you're sedated and you need to push against some heavy weights in order to do the simplest things of life. You need to focus on what's in front of you so your eyes and brain don't just drift off into nothingness. When you try to google your problems it says you're depressed but that doesn't help. Maybe it's just the lack of coffee. Maybe it's how everyone feels when they don't drink coffee all the time. After you spent a few days in bed you realize that the next deadline is imminent and suddenly you feel your heart beating faster and your brain and body warm up. You splash icy water onto your face, eat a pound of chocolate and then you start working on your tasks until you notice that it's 4 am in the morning. You realize you're severely dehydrated, your hands are shaking and your head hurts so you take some pills, throw yourself into bed, and wait for the next deadline.

  11. In every fiction novel about crazies there has to be at least one character named Alice. If not then it's a bad novel.

    1. bxt227us

      bxt227us

      I read Never Promised You a Rose Garden, which you recommended. I Loved it!

       

  12. Just another boring and sad day

    scr.gif

    1. trailmix

      trailmix

      You could always come and chat. :)

    2. brightwing

      brightwing

      seal! i miss you! everyone asks where you are! come see us at colorfulasylum.com

      you will have to register, but it's easy.

      love,

      shari (brightwing)

       

    3. onsenseal

      onsenseal

      I don't know why but I don't feel like chatting.

  13. From my experience over 90% of the time the talks were positive, helpful, supportive and sometimes fun and outweigh the drama by a lot. I enjoyed the nights (mornings for me) when there's no one else to talk to and there's still some people in the chat so you're not alone with your thoughts. When I join at other times of the day it seemed a bit more difficult, but maybe that's just me. I will still check the forums, but I probably won't join the new chat for now.
  14. This makes the seal sad.
  15. I agree with your statements completely all of them