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paintedsky

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About paintedsky

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    female
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    USA

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  1. Since nobody is guaranteed longevity, I would accept better quality of life today if I could have it.
  2. If you were able to stop before what was it that helped? tossing out the knives if you possibly can. I think it helped me to stop by getting rid of mine. And when I wanted to cut it was just that extra moment to not do it, because I didn't have that kind of stuff around.
  3. I've never been very med compliant. I know it's irresponsible and that's why I am in the hospital a lot. I'm always trying to go without meds. Sometimes it's been years between hospitalizations but sometimes it's only months. I know I'd be better off if I took medication regularly but I always hope I can catch an episode and start taking meds then instead of taking them everyday. It doesn't really work if you look at my history but I keep trying. Playing with fire. I worry if I do get hospitalized much more they will end up requiring me to take shots. I have heard of that happening to people..
  4. I understand how you could compare antipsychotics to poison. I agree they can have horrible side effects.
  5. After I am medicated out of an episode I remember having those thoughts and how I acted on them perhaps. I realize afterwards I was not thinking clearly.
  6. I thought a street sign that read "dead end" was a message for me to turn off the music on my headphones. I thought a pair of shoes were on a shelf so that I would buy them. I thought a book was left for me to read. a lot more. It's good you can recognize the unusual thoughts. When it happens to me I can't identify it and it seems real.
  7. Last night was a tiny victory for me. I was in town and my plans changed and I kept thinking I could just go in the bars for one drink. But after driving around aimlessly for while I made the right choice and didn't go in. That's one more night I kept myself driving sober.
  8. It's good you are embracing opportunities to socialize more. I have gone through times where I isolate and don't go out. It takes a lot of strength to turn that around.
  9. I've haven't had a drink in two years, but I still crave it. I didn't drink every day, but when I did I was reckless. I have to keep reminding myself why I quit and that I am making a choice to be healthy and safe. I wonder if when you feel more familiar with these new people it won't be such a temptation. It's always tough to find your place in a new social setting. Eventually it will be your routine that you are not drinking with them.
  10. It's too bad you have to wait so long to get appointments for the neurologist. It will be interesting to see if you have coexisting conditions like OCD or ADD. I'm sorry your tics are self destructive some days, but I'm really happy you are going to seek support for them. I hope you get accepted to the CBiT program soon.
  11. I have such poor luck with therapists. My intake was cancelled because of a schedule error by the office. Then the doctor called me to apologise, and told me he was only available for therapy sessions for 3 months because he is leaving the office to do inpatient work at a different hospital. So I probably just will wait for a different doctor. The only good thing that I can say is that I did write down what I would have liked to discuss and that was therapeutic in a way. Oh and luckily I didn't drive all the way there before I found out about it being cancelled, I called in the am to confirm because it is a long drive so the receptionist saw the mistake.
  12. I routinely break zyprexa up into pieces and take those. I'm not saying it's a good idea, and your doctor would probably tell you that's not gonna work. I think it is enough as long as you are capable of having insight into when you are needing more. 1 mg is enough to make me sleep most nights and calm me down if I'm agitated during the day. I can take up to a mg and not get the hunger side effect. Sometimes the mg isn't keeping me sane and then I've got to take 2.5 or 5 mg to chill me out. At that dose I get the mindless hunger side effect. Not to discourage you. But at 2.5 I get pretty ravenous.
  13. I'm going to write a list of things I want to talk about. I really appreciate this idea.
  14. I'm scheduled to see a psychologist next week. At my community health center I would wait months to see someone only to have them shuffled to a different location and I'm put back on the waiting list. I never get much past introducing myself and a few sessions. It has been over a decade since I've had a regular doctor other than for meds. I've got an intake at a private practice so hopefully this doctor won't just disappear on me. I'm not sure where to begin with talking to him. I feel like I have so many issues that impair my ability to have a healthy life that it would be overwhelming and counterproductive to show up and simply unload a list of problems. Any advice for meeting a new therapist when you feel like a total basket case?
  15. Lithium worked to stabilize my behavior so that people I knew felt I was much better. It made me very flat and perhaps easier to be around. But inside my head I was more psychotic than ever and extremely depressed. I began to constantly ruminate on suicidal thoughts, which I never had before. So I would caution anyone who deals with psychosis that lithium could have the affect of worsening delusional thoughts while making you seem outwardly stable.
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