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About ladyboss

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    Wëłçômę tø thë füñnÿ fårm
  • Birthday 07/24/96

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    We're broke, remember? What was I supposed to do? fill the tank, shoot the guy, and drive off?!

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  1. Earlier this morning my boyfriend and I got Into an argument. He has a coworker I've never liked. I always think she'S flirting with him. I let it go for a bit because his last day is tomorrow. But she Ended up moving into the same motel as us. He knew her room number because as a cab driver he's taken her home like how she'd picked him up before. I said I would go down there and tell her to leave him alone. Right before I was getting ready to leave he slammed his hand into a wall got in my face and said the crazy stops now. I told him to go away before I called the cops. I thought he might hit me. He's told me be had an ex who beat the shit out of him and he never hit her back. He told me I need to call my counselor when I started packing my stuff which their office is closed. I'm about to be on my period and I hadn't taken my meds yet today. So my mood hasn't been great. He's upset because he thinks I can't trust him. Part of why I kept crying and packing is because I've never seen him cry. I've threatened to leave before but he doesn't seem upset. He said he was but since he's bipolar he tries to control it. I'm still worried if I make him mad he might hurt me. I broke a bottle of cologne I got him on the floor and he stepped in it which I didn't intend to happen and he's all you're worried I'll hurt you but Here I am stepping in glass so u can help you up. He even did as much as getting a knife and holding it to his throat saying this is how much I trust you. To take the handle of this knife and not kill me. But you're still worried I'll hurt you ..... I just don't like the idea of someone taking him from me. Needless to say I'll be scheduling a counseling session Monday. I still worry he might hurt I being paranoid ??
  2. Is it weird that I wanna celebrate my boyfriends new job? He's had the same Job for awhile but needed something more stable. He'S Also having to switch his sleep schedule around from nights to days (he works overnight usually.) I filled his app out because he sleeps all day and works all night and he wanted me to. But he aced his interview. I wanted to go get him some new shirts for work he doesn't have many clothes anyways so I always try to get him something Even from the food pantries. When we met he had four work shirts and two not work shirts and like two pairs of pants. I wanna take him out to eat too. We're Also getting him a new phone but that's because his is broken badly. He didn't ask for any of this I wanted to do it once I got paid and paid bills. Is it weird I wanna celebrate ??
  3. So yesterday, I did some semi sort of like deep thinking into myself. I actually went and googled, "why do I always manage to unintentionally offend people?" And the first result had to do with Aspergers. I've not ever thought I had Aspergers, and I'm not going to self diagnose myself with something because it's....not a good idea. Reading more of the symptoms, however & how it affects relationships, etc I was wondering if I might have it. I plan on going to my doctor and requesting a test as well, just in case. I've never had anyone say they thought I might have it, none of the multiple doctors I've seen have suggested it. My question, though is. Does having Aspergers affect my SSI amount? I can't get SSDI because I've not earned enough work credits, and I understand SSI is also based off income. Basically, does having another illness diagnosed to my other list of illnesses going to make any kind of difference to my SSI amount? I'm assuming not, but I thought I would ask. Maybe someone with Aspergers can answer this?? Or someone who just got diagnosed with a new illness while on SSI. I've not been on my SSI too terribly long, almost a year now maybe and I'm most of the way to understanding it all but,
  4. i've always craved the approval of my parents, especially my dad. but, really there are so many days out of the damn month i think there's no pleasing them. i started out good, and well i'm not doing so great now. i have my highs and my lows about where i am in my life right now, but i'll figure it out someday. i'm only 20. my parents weren't too fond of the idea of me not being straight at first, not even because they're religious, they just i don't know. actually. i really don't know. ha. i keep having to get over the fact that i am the black sheep of my dad's and stepmom's side of the family basically, because i'm MI. although my grandmother, my dad's mom, has also got a few "crazy" relatives, including my cousin who tried to rape me when he was like 14, i'm still the odd one out. i've got an actual diagnosis, i've been to the hospital, had suicidal ideations, etc etc and the whole entire holuabaloo. i'm sure i spelt that wrong. oh well. my dad looks at my mom's side like a bunch of whackos, especially since he's like agnostic and they're huuuuge christians. they've never liked each other, even when he was with my mom and tried playing to good christian husband which don't go over all that well. our parents aren't meant to be our friends, and of course it's natural to want their approval. but, some people's parents aren't in their lives, are drug abusers, child abusers, etc. we of course, have this deep yearning to love our parents and hope they accept us, but the bad news is they won't always do so. my dad's disowned me before, and i think a lot of it is because i'm the spitting image of the woman who hurt him, so many times; left so many times, and finally left him on father's day. which is of course, my mother. i know my dad loves me, but he's kind of an asshole. and i know some of the things he does DO have good intentions, while others are...questionable at best. he took care of me and held down the fort when my mom left, and just wanted to make sure i was cared for. he didn't want anything from her, although well he had more than her, aside from his business and me. that was it. although my mom claims she "gave me to my dad because she knew she couldn't care for me." but there are two sides to every story. my mom i get along better with at times because she's got MI too. my dad, can't relate. at all. he thinks he has OCD, and he likes to self diagnose. he thinks because he took some psych classes he's like a fucking degree earned psychologist now or some shit. which annoys me to hell and back. i took a psych class for my education degree, but i'm no dr. fucking phil. i have studied my own illness left and right to understand why i feel what i feel, and to help me in the long run. which i think is kind of healthy for a lot of people with MI. knowing what you have and then attempting to understand it seems like it would help, because then you could recognize your MI symptoms and be more proactive about like, how do i put it, cause i don't know. helping yourself? i guess? not everyone has the best relationship with their parents, and a looooot of adults will tell you it's better once you move out. (says the girl whos dad really only calls her to yell at her about something.)
  5. i've had signs of not being straight since i was a child, no joke. my parents told me my bisexuality was just of course, a "phase" - and they weren't the religious type. my mom whom is bipolar did actually have some sort of "episode" where she thought she was a lesbian for like a week or so, and she has zero interest in women. i don't know the entire story, just what my dad told me honestly and well parts of my own memory. but she could have just been experimenting but the fact it was outside my parents marriage, wasn't healthy at all. they were monogamous. there have been times i thought i might be gender-fluid, because whenever i would date women i was "the guy" and i basically took on a role of "the boyfriend". so it made me feel like i was a guy, i started dressing like one for about a month when i would go out. but i realized i'm just a bisexual female. experimenting with what you are isn't a bad thing, some people don't figure it out until way later on in life, especially those whom come from earlier generations; as well as those who come from very religious home lives that don't want to dissapoint their families. there are so many variables it's not even funny. i don't think my MI has anything to do with my sexuality, i wasn't really diagnosed with anything officially until a few years ago. so my entire childhood, aside from being diagnosed with ADHD and possibly bipolar but came to find out those were false, hasn't made much an impact on who i am in terms of what i'm attracted to. i think i might be more pansexual than bisexual, because i do also have an attraction towards transgender men and women. when i was in high school still, i found out someone i had a short long distance relationship with was planning on transitioning, they hid it from me at first, and damn did they do a hella good job of looking like they gender of the pronouns they preferred - of course. when they told me, it didn't phase me. i would date a trans person, gender isn't a huge matter to me. i care more about emotional connections - even as a sex addict.
  6. I'm on 100mg of Zoloft right now and 50mg of Lamitogrine to enhance the Zoloft and stop my migraines. I started out on 25mg then went to 100 because of my psych. Sometimes I sleep a lot also. But I'm home all day. So. I like to nap. My problem with meds has been consistency because for meds to really work for most people taking them around the same time each day helps. Structure is a necessity for us with GAD and depression. And other sufferers of MI. A balanced life is a healthy one. Easier said than done I know. That's why there's a mountain of laundry in my room.
  7. My dad has always told me I act like a different person around my parents, and then my friends. Is it bad that I care a little bit more about my friends, than my parents? Because I feel like they constantly expect me to fail no matter what since I'm the mentally ill black sheep? This is just my dad and stepmom's side, my mom's side is where the mental illness is common, so I can go to my mom about a lot of my problems, but she also left us when I was 10. My life is kinda all fuckered up in that respect.
  8. I've personally never liked pill boxes. I usually leave my meds in their bottles. But I got to where I kept forgetting to take them. And with a lot of mental illnesses consistency in life is a must because it helps us more than we know. I actually just downloaded an app to my phone and picked the most annoying notification sound possible and it will scream at me as I like to say until I open the app and check off my meds one by one as having taken them. Every twelve hours. Unless I'm passed out sleeping. I'm home 99.9% of the time because I don't work. So. It won't bother anyone. Its been working good for me.
  9. My job history is shit. I quit a Job before I can get fired because I think that looks better but found out its the equivalent. I applied for a job at at&t for their call center and was crushed I wasn't hired. I put more effort into it that anywhere I've ever applied. The pay was good and I knew I was qualified. I Even won a tech award in high school senior year and was MS Office verified and type 64 wpm minimal error. No shit. But they wanna hire someone who's like half my intelligence who doesn't even know how to use a computer I've heard. I quit working to take care of my sickly grandmother who passed at the end of last year. No one really cared. That's a major reason for a gap in my employment honestly. I've had managed who've said I don't put in effort when I learned the new system at that job quicker than someone who had been their longer. And I worked areas they didn't ask me to because I wasn't busy. And they needed help. The DM even told her I was a hard worker. And he's her dad. I've had coworkers threaten me so I quit for lack of feeling safe. Because I don't and can't fight. And I don't do drama in my work place. Period. I can apply anywhere but I need somewhere that can work with a bus schedule. But since I have shit job history I need open availability . I even went to An interview in the rain. Took the bus and walked at least half a mile in the rain. The lady Even said half her other Interviews didn't show. I never got a call. I called and was told I wasn't hired . Right now I babysit part time for a lady I befriended who lives in the motel I do. She has three kids. They can be a handful but I wanna teach and it gives me the experience. And at the end of the day I feel like an aunt to them or something. Their mom pays me what she can and it doesn't bother me. it helps pay bills. A lot of people are hurting for money right now. I'm not complaining.
  10. Everyone is different. And some people do believe in love at first sight type shit. It kinda just depends on what you think. I fall in love too fast a lot. So
  11. YKYBW.... everyone you date is like a fucking god to you. You put them on a pedestal without even realizing it. Because of this, you ALWAYS ALWAYS think you're not good enough for whoever you date. It doesn't matter how much worse off they could be than you. Or how much of a better partner you ACTUALLY are, (i.e. my ex who had a job and didn't help pay for anything, i almost walked four hours just to see him because i don't drive.) You cry when you have mental breaks, and beg and plead your SO not to leave you because of your flaws, or even because of a stupid mistake like spilling something, ruining a favorite shirt, etc. Reasons no one should leave someone else, really. you never mean to look at these people this way, after all, they are just...people. Like everyone else. They breathe and bleed just like you, but yet you're slicing your wrists open in the floor of your bathroom, sobbing, because you feel like you'll never be enough for them. All you want is to be their world, like they are yours. But, you have to realize they aren't everything, and you need more in your life than just them..... Friends. a hobby. etc. Personal experience. Current issue. YKYBW,,,, you always think someone is either mad, irritated, and/or upset with you in some way. If they look upset, you ask. If they sound mad, you ask. Sometimes you'll accuse them of yelling when they aren't, or ask them not to if you feel you did something to upset them. You hate to dissapoint those you care about the most, because you don't want them upset. And since you ALWAYS ask people if they're make them upset. YKYBW, sometimes you could be making friends, but rather not because you know deep down you'll piss them off, or they'll find you annoying so you just don't bother, because that's happened so many times. Although sometimes, it's not you and they are really just assholes. i.e. the "best friend" i had who stole half my shit, and all my money leaving me with nothing. and then claiming she "didn't do it." You also have a habit of pushing people away, like when you're in a relationship because you've been cheated on, so they MUST be going to cheat on you too. Even if they never do, so you accuse them of it, and push them away as a result. Because if you can push them away, or hell, break up with them first they can't break up with you and for someone reason in your head it's less hurtful when it's really not. Same with jobs you think you'll get fired from, can't get fired if you quit.
  12. oh fuck that up it's ass with a spiked pinecone.
  13. it kind of makes me wonder how they weasel their way in here, even if they're bots. didn't we all have to verify our emails to even join
  14. My mom's side, yes. Her mother was Schizophrenic. Her biological mother that I've never met, and she didn't know well because her dad left her bio mom when she was like 2 because he caught her holding my mom upside down and banging her head on a counter. No shit. My mom is Bipolar with major maniac depression. My current Dxs are in my signature. My grandmother, my dad's mom, God rest her soul. Had depression but we think it didn't develop until after my grandpa passed when my dad was about my age. Minus two years. My dad claims some of her side of the family is nutty, but who knows. Mental illness is genetic sometimes.
  15. it annoys me, and i kinda report any post i see. but it annoys me because i'm following thread forums now, and i'll be all oooh what's this! and it's...spam