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RyanL

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About RyanL

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  1. Graphic design is one I have thought of - as if I was good at it, I would absolutely love it and come up with amazing layouts. However I am not good with "art" projects. The concepts of the layout I would be great at but there isn't a job for people to "layout" the website. There are jobs for the people who do the layouts AND build them. Which I would not be good at. I've also thought about a programming language like PHP - But my memory is so horrible I honestly don't "think" I could retain the knowledge. I could be wrong but I wouldn't want to take a course on something that I know I couldn't retain. I have tried to read books on PHP development and I get confused and lost very easily. Again, this is something I think I would love doing. Love Love Love ... But I just don't think I'm capable of it due to memory issues.
  2. I am thinking about going back into the work place eventually. However I'm not sure exactly what I want to do. I think I would be good in IT however I want a career where I can work from home. Honestly even with a lot of keywords I can't find a web site covering jobs that need college degrees where you work from home. I think, long term, that will be the situation that keeps me healthy. Does anyone have any idea what kind of careers I should be looking at where I could work from home entirely. If there are any ? I could also work in a small environment I think. Something where I have a small office of my own or very few cubicles around me. Basically where I am not in high traffic locations with a lot of people. I'm really not 100% sure of exactly what I would do if I could pick anything. Maybe something where I'm doing extensiive research for online businesses and guiding them on which online markets they should be entering in. Other than that (which is very vague) I think I will be focusing my choice on jobs that are good for people with MI issues .. Does anyone have any articles that discuss this ? Or any ideas on where I should start doing research ?
  3. Thank you guys for the support. It helps a lot. My insurance has a 24 hour "crisis hotline" I called last night. I got to vent to a neutral party for a half hour and that helped immensely. Also my sister and Mom contacted me today and were concerned. Having that support helped a ton. My mom, even feeling sick, went out of her ay to have Dinner with me after work. We barely talked about it (maybe 10-15 minutes) but I think it was the final cap let off for the steam to come out. Today I am definitely still upset - but more then anything determined to casually ask my daughter how she would feel about guaranteeing me one weekend a month and one friday a month (I said a week above, I meant one Friday a month) as well as promising we get together and have dinner once a month. If she doesn't feel like she can't make that promise to me I will absolutely be hurt but I will NOT proceed with the courts. If she does feel comfortable making me that promise I will proceed. In the meantime I will NOT let her know that if she agrees I will be taking her Mom to court. This is a touchy situation. I want to make sure my daughter does not feel forced to be with me if she doesn't - However if she does I want it written in stone, as well as the fact that my ex would have to get my permission to take her out of state. I think that alone will put my ex in her place a little bit and make her be less harsh towards me, not by choice but she will be forced to be more civil and work with me more - knowing I could stop her plans for a vacation without thinking about it at that point. If that makes any sense ? As far as Therapy I definitely am goiing to proceed with it - as well as re attending AA again. That helped for years. I know it will help again.
  4. I am one of those "Still Waiting" When I call they just say - there is no update on my case. This is beyond frustrating. The only thing saving my sanity is knowing for a fact I can appeal and during that process which could take up a year through another denial, then waiting for a judge to have payments stopped entirely. No idea while this is taking so long though.
  5. I agree - First thing she said was she wanted to spend the week before or after with me ... It's just not the same though ... I pry could have dealt with it if my Sister didn't have her pretty much newborn coming in from Germany, and the fact it was the first time she would have seen him. I literally HURT for a reason other then "Just Hurting" in a long time. These are the times I usually end up in the hospital from over drinking or over doing pills (not all the times I've been to the hospital but it WAS the last time I went to the ER) .. That's what my Mom emphasized "Don't drink or take too many pills (benzos) ... I didn't take my normal benzos as scheduled but did end up drinking I know, it doesn't help or chang things. I need more counseling so I can deal with things like this. Groups where I can call people who I can talk to, grab a cup of coffee with, etc .. Whether it is AA or a MI support group. I just hate relying on people to be honest. HATE HATE HATE it now. Didn't use to, but I do know. It's rare I even come here to vent but tonight was a must for me. Just hurting and using to deal with it, which isn't healthy. Also why I need partially supervised visits. That being said I agree with you. Technically it's "just dates on the calendar" but it means so much more than that to me.
  6. O.K. So here's the deal .. Warning : I am a male with issues seeing my daughter and no court orders. The post will pry be fairly long, appreciate those who read it. The week of Father day - my birthday which are 5 days or so apart, I just found out TONIGHT I will not be seeing my daughter. My sister is also flying in all the way from Germany with my Nephew who is only a few months old for that week period the day after Father's Day. I expected, and had informed my daughter a month prior about this week, and how great it would be .. However my ex and her boyfriend made vacation (week long) plans that week alleviating * My Father's Day with her * My Birthday with Her * Her seeing her first, first cousin - coming in all he way from Germany that week. Albeit not just for her, it just worked out that way.... This hurts me badly, it was the first time I have cried for an ACTUAL REASON in a long time. We all cry for no reason, this was FOR a reason. She is 13 turns 14 by Early September. At this point I believe the courts would let her decide (Past age 12 I think) about custody issues, her visiting etc .. There are free attorneys around here, can't remember the agencies name, but I believe they are geared towards women who have custody issues. My daughter DID tell her Mom that was the only week available. My daughter did NOT tell me right away, which shows she would rather be with them or was too afraid to tell me. Probably a combo with the first being the main reason. I'll admit being a Bipolar Dad isn't that great. She considers them her "parents" and me her "Daddy" and yes she actually still says "Daddy" at 13 which makes me feel so awesome when she does that - helps me deal with her calling them her parents. Unlike the typical situation I had a ton of respect for her new boyfriend but none for her. When I called her tonight about this : Without raising my voice at ALL - Which you know how HARD that is for us to do - She said "I can't talk about this" ... I told her she was being selfish about the situation and unfair. I asked her if we could have an actual "Adult Conversation" about this. She kept reflecting this as me being unreasonable. She, within 3 minutes, hung up and said "O.K. I'm selfish, whatever - I have to go" I waited, again asking for an "adult conversation" and she refused. My MAIN issue here is how inconsiderate she was about the situation. She knew that was the week of my birthday and Father's Day. I had even made a decision for me not to pick her up untl afternoon Father's Day because not only do I apreciate him raising her as I was unable to, but also because I know how she considers him important in her life. I'm not an idiot. I haven't been the best Father - and she will probably never look at me as a "parent" That being said she does discuss VERY intimate, and important to her, things going on in her life. She appreciates the fact she can be open to me. I don't judge. I am honest. She was more open to me about some personal things a couple weeks ago then she EVER will be to them in her life. So it's a weird situation : Bottom line, I know she still loves me, accepts me as I am, but at the same time doesn't expect as much out of me as she does her "Parents" ---------------------------------------------- I am on SSI, get $735 a mont and pay $40 a month every single months (except 2-3 months around X-Mas last year - and I asked if that was O.K. first). It's not a lot but I am not court ordered to pay anything. First question if I get in a cutody battle will I have to pay 20 % - Because unfortuantely I truly could not afford to do so. I have heard conflicting answers. I am in Chicago. When she comes over we go to my Mom's - Unfortunately it's only a weekend per month as she is so busy. If I do get a court ordered visitation rights what I would seek is Friday nights at my place once per week and one weekend per month at my Mom's .... This way it is most "supervised" if they have issues with me being BiPolar. Also I assume my attempts to pay some Child Support, unordered will go in my favor. First question, would I have a chance at winning if I found a Pro Bona attorney ? Second question ; Should I put her through this ? I could tell she felt bad about the situation tonight, at the same time she wanted to go on that vacation and was told it was the ONLY time they could do it. I am positive it could have been arranged another week - It just happened to be the most convenient for them .. More I could type but I've typed a lot. Hope to hear answers, as well as moving into the right forum if I'm in the wrong one.
  7. Wow, they told me it could take up to an additional 3 months from now (roughly a month after filing the papers). She said it has even taken 5-6 months in some situations, the only good news I got was if I'm declined I can keep receiving benefits during my appeals process up through the seeing an ALJ phase. That brings some peace of mind but if I have to deal with my benefits for a year plus every year that wiill be horrible. It's already stressing me the hell out ..
  8. Yeah, i definitely should have done that. I do have an account at My Social Security. It basically states I am currently on Disability, shows my payment history etc. But yeah I guess the best way would be to call them and ask them directly about a time length, I just hate dealing with them directly. Thanks guys/gals
  9. I hate my anti-benzo pdoc

    I agree 100 % with you Wooster, which is one Big reason I don't blame them. They state though, that aside, it is something they don't do in their practice period nowadays. Well, psych doctors do anyways.Medical doctors are the ones that state they won't do it because of my history. I'm sure they do for a very few select patients (psych drs) but they are up front right away when I list my meds before even talking to me about my past in stating they don't prescribe benzos in their practice. It is what all but ONE psych dr. around here (I have seen 6-7) have said to me. The one that did prescribe them was ironically part of a program where I was being treated for my alcohol and drug abuse as well as my MI issues at the same time. It's very ironic he was the one Psych Dr that had no issues - obviously he did have records of clean urine test and knew I was being tested regularly already as part of my drug/alcohol treatment. You would think he would be the most hesitant but he was the least - he literally had no issues and even asked if I wanted xanax s it was faster acting or if I felt I needed an increase which I stated no. All other people in the treatment program complained heavily how he would not prescribe them the same type of medications though. Even the ones in the dual diagnosis program, many of which honestly I could tell pry needed them. I could tell they probably would have abused them though to be honest. For some reason he did prescribe 2-3 people in that program Adderal etc though. In all my years of taking them I have never had an abuse issue with them. Why would I ? They do nothing for me if I take more then prescribed. Absolutely nothing. I even took 3 extra one night to try to fall asleep (I know, technically that was abuse) and it didn't make a difference. that was a year ago. It was the first time I ahd taken excess pills in years and the last. I will admit with upcoming heavy social situations I will take two at a time instead of my normal one and then not take the one at bedtime, but that's it. Other then one time I had my pills stolen ONCE - and did file a police report. Other than that I never had to have an early refill nor have I shown anything but dependence, which I obviously have. It's hard for even me to believe but for some reason I've never wanted to abuse them. I remember right when I started benzos and it was xanax. I was prescribed .25 mg at first. For one reason or another I didn't have any - it was the first couple months I was taking them, and I remember my dosage was upped the next month. A couple months later I went to Klonopin instead of Xanax. I believe my dosage was too low on the xanax back then and I had a few days left before my refill, something along those lines. Anyways, I asked a friends Mom for a few. I had no idea what dose she was taking and didn't think about it - I was 18 and new to Psych meds. I took two of them. They turned out to be 1 mg instead of the .25 I as taking. All it did was make me a bit dizzy and knock me out at 2 in the afternoon for HOURS. So it wasn't something I enjoyed. Probably why I never abused them. On top of that Klonopin is less abusable then Xanax at least I would think with it being an ER type of benzo. I never got why people abuse Klonopin, xanax I guess I could see. Lorazepam (Ativan) which I took at one point is so weak I absolutely could not see. That's just me though ..
  10. I hate my anti-benzo pdoc

    I have found that no psych docs want to prescribe benzos around here. They have become the new opiates of the last decade. People that need them don't get them due to the fact so many people are abusing them on the street and doctors believe everyone is abusing them - psych docs rarely listen to you as it is and want to do things their way period. I have found only one good psych doc in 25 years, he was when I was InPatient. I couldn't continue seing him after I was released I have found finding a good regular physician is important. Even then I have found issues where I have had to essentially "Dr. Shop" until I found one that would listen to me, my symptoms, and ultimately understand I get my MI (symptoms, my body, my mind) way better then any psych doc or regular doc does or will. I now have found a doctor like that. When I explain my depression is getting worse he suggest a medication increase of what I am taking. I explain it's a good idea but we should only do half the increase he suggest or it could cause a Manic episode. He immediately agrees and we proceed as I feel. If there is a medication I want to try I explain why to him. I tell him the research I have done on it. I explain my symptoms I am experiencing and why I think the medication will help. I am yet to have him turn me down. He has voiced concern and we ultimately agree on a one month follow up instead of a standard 3 month follow up. The other condition is I call immediately if there are negative side effects. I had this Dr. for 4 years then moved to a bigger city. My new Dr immediately wanted to cut my benzos from 1mg 3X daily klonopin to 70 pills a month then 65 a month so on. I experienced severe effects and went to the ER over it. I told this Dr. and she didn't care. She wanted me off the benzos. She listened about all other med issues even though we argued about the standard Lamictal dosage. She swore 400mg daily was too high. I had to have her review my charts showing I had been taking that dose for years. Ultimately I remembered another family doctor I had seen years ago (5-6 years before) when I was in the area. Even though he was almost an hour away I made an appointment, was honest about my situation, and he immedately put me back on my original Klonopin dosage of 90 a month. Both Dr's were aware of my alcoholism issues and addiction issues. I have to take urine tests every visit and was told it can be done randomly but it hasn't happened yet. My point, I guess is, when you find a Dr. that doesn't work with you search for another one. Quite honestly psych Dr's have done nothing but worsen my condition every time forcing AP's down my throat that ironically cause me psychotic episodes for some reason (mild hallucinations and slight mania mostly mixed). Most important thing for me has been finding a General Practitioner that understands I research my MI on my own. Understands I have dealt with it for 25 years. Understands I get my symptoms and contact them when there is an issue. Most importantly they waant me to have a therapist to discuss the issues with. Without a therapist the Dr's would not agree to such treatment. With it, they are much more comfortable as the lack of understanding they have is being handle by a professional who does understand it - not just myself. So it is a joint thing. I have been on benzos for 25 years. Coming off them is impossible for me. I have tried. Lowering my dose by even 25 pills over a 2 month period sent me to the hospital twice and when I went to the Dr's I also had to have another shot of Torodal for the pain. I would have been prescribed a short term narcotic for pain relief due to the severe Headaches as well as tension pains but due to my past addiction issues we mutually agreed not to. A low class non narcotic pain reliver was offered - tramadol I think .. But I declined and took Naproxen prescription strength. A little over 2 months later my severe headaches are still lingering from social stress situations that I didn't have before the klonoping withdrawl attempts. Most doctors wouldn't believe me. My Dr does - I think mainly because I explain I just want him to know and I don't want anything for the pain. He does do examinations and said he feels the tension in my back and neck. Trust is very important. And you don't get that from Psych dr's .. Except the one I had, an he basically let me self diagnose as well. Don't get me wrong, we had sessions where he explained some parts of my disorder I didn't know about - mainly that a lot of my problems were mixed episodes, which I didn't unerstand. Anyways, that's my experience. Honestly just like opiates are hard for people in legitimate pain to get nowadays due to past opiate abusers - the same thing goes for people using benzos now. It might be worth mentioning both Dr's that have worked with me well were in towns with populations of 20,000 or less. When I was in a town of 35,000 they gave me the benzos but were so hesitant and I had to go to 3 doctors to find one that would, with full medical records showing my past prescriptions for them. The doctor that immediately wanted to lower my dose was in a town of 100,000 - I just realized that as I was typing this. So maybe finding a doctor in a smaller town would help too. Smaller town doctors still tend to "care" rather then seeing so many people that are actually abusing the system if that makes any sense ? Wow I babbled a lot - sorry ...
  11. About the middle of last month I sent in the forms they requested for my redetermination of SSI benefits. They asked me to mail them in, which I sent by Certified mail to the local Social Security office in my town. They did not tell me how long the process would take. Th forms were quite thorough, about 7-8 pages (front and back). Was quite a chore filling them out. I probably didn't fill all of them out properly but did my best (I think) I see another post about a person that was worried and people stating they faxed documents, something about hearing back in a few days, and some people saying they never heard back but just kept getting their benefits. I'm in Illinois and am on SSI due to Bipolar. Over the last few years during the phase I am being reviews I did go to the hospital twice but left on my own. Most recentlly I went after an attemmpted suicide, they were going to involuntarily admit me - However I was able to talk them out of it as long as my Mom picked me up and I promised to stay there for a few days under her supervision. I doubt they could say I got better, but I'm still scared as anyone would be. What I'm more curious about then anything is .. Do you actually get a letter stating if your benefits were renewed if they were not denied ? How long does the process take ? If it varies by state I am in Illinois
  12. For Chapter 7 BR filings you can have the roughly $350 fee waived if you are low income. It can also be paid in installments. In the questionare it ask about income, the downside is it includes govt benefits like My Section 8 housing. This brings my Monthly income to $1200 roughly. Which I'm afrid might make the judge think I can actually afford the Bankruptcy fees, which I can't, even divided 4 ways @ $350 total. 4 Months is the Maximum they offer. Without extra benefits all I have is my SSI - $733 a month. Has anyone else dealt wit CH 7 bankruptcy and either been approved or denied when trying to get the filing fee waived ?
  13. If you have no income, go to the office they will give you "emergency" LINK assistance, possibly even cash assistance if you have a child. You might even get medical. You should get $191 , and literally have it within a few days. I went through this years ago. Make sure you explain you are currently broke, lost your job, are seeking work bit have no income. I know it sucks, but when I've been in real bad shape Food Banks really do help and the people there are so kind. You don't leave feeling judged unless you are judging yourself. Good Luck !! P.S. Here is a link to apply online as well, although if you do apply online. I would call in 3-4 hours and explain how urgent the situation is. If they ask why you didn't come in - Tell them you couldn't afford the gas or bus fare. -------------------------- Couldn't post links ? Google this phrase "emergency food stamps arizona" Click this result " Nutrition Assistance (Formerly the Food Stamp Program) | Arizona .."
  14. I was declined due to the Lamictal
  15. I assure you the conditions for Red Cross are much different from the Centers you get paid at. I will let everyone know about Lamictal tomorrow evening or at the very least by the end of this weekend. I already have been told Zoloft and Klonopin are O.K. But yes, the med list for Red Cross is WAY WAY WAY Shorter then the one you will be checked againt at the paid donation center. Also, they will NOT give you the list over the phone - you have to go in and wait, which take a few hours to get in and see. So, when I get in I'll let everyone know. Going to be honest about the Lamictal for one huge reason. I forgot about the rash as a side effect possibility, which can be quite scary. So - Will update when I know more. I'm guessing I'll be rejected
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