philosophin

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About philosophin

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  1. Took a final. Going to group therapy tonight, then studying for my next final, which is tomorrow.
  2. Feel like shit and want to die...and cannot stop turning to pot and alcohol to ease the pain. Nothing helps. I'm in a fancy expensive DBT program that feels worthless because I can't stop using and drinking. When I DO have a period of sobriety, it feels unbearable. I'm bored, I'm depressed. I don't have interests and I'm not engaged with life. I have school and my husband but that's it. I'm not currently very employable and don't know if there's really any hope in that arena either--I mean, I'm 37, FFS. Bipolar disorder has ruined my life.
  3. No. Nothing helps. Still relapsing over and over. DBT doesn't help. Gabapentin didn't help me quit mj, and naltrexone failed to curb my drinking. I'm just an all-around big fat failure I guess.
  4. I'm almost 37, and I can study and am studying, but it remains to be seen if I can ever hold stable employment for a decent length of time. My past work history is shit so my resume looks like shit. Sometimes I wonder if there's even a point to trying because employers only seem to care about what your resume looks like, and pretty soon I'll be bumping up against the possibility of age discrimination as well. It also doesn't help that I refuse to work jobs where they treat you like shit because it's too destabilizing to my mental health. If it weren't for my husband's income and ability to work I'm pretty sure I would be on disability now. But I keep plugging away towards a Medical Laboratory Science degree, because what else can I do? I'm not ready to give up yet, and OP, I hope you aren't either. I don't know your history, granted, but 26 seems awfully young to give up on school and working.
  5. Anyone else here try this? If so, I would love to hear your experiences. My pdoc bumped my dose up from 300mg to 900mg today. It's only been 2 days since I last quit heavy use and the insomnia, irritability, and depression are already ramping up :/ But I have my fingers crossed that the gaba will smooth things out enough that I won't lose my shit like I usually do when I quit.
  6. I have disabled my FB account several times in a fit of irrational anger, and yes, I can relate to being jealous of my FB friends whose lives seem perfect. I think the latter is extremely common, really--but it can lead to worsening symptoms in people with depression for sure. And yes, I hate it too when people post dumb platitudes about how everyone's lives would be amazing if they were more positive or whatever.
  7. I HATE washing my hair. I'm planning on doing it tomorrow and I'm dreading it. It's long and thick and wavy so it gets extremely tangled when it gets wet. Plus I have to wash a shitload of dye out of my hair because I'm washing it for the first time since I got it colored. I wash my hair once a week at most, and now that I don't smoke cigs, it's not as gross as it might sound. My hair is on the drier side, so it doesn't get all oily and gross if I leave it unwashed for a week.
  8. Did some therapy homework, did a load of laundry, cooked dinner, scooped box, took and attempted to resubmit passport photo, did a math chapter in ACT book, filled out diary card, managed not to drink or smoke cigs for another day. When you're as depressed as I am you count all the little piddling stuff as "accomplishments"
  9. Doing opposite action out the yin-yang and I still want to end it all.  Doing chores and studying for entrance exams for school but dunno why I am bothering.  I always end up in the same place, alone and purposeless.

    1. jt07

      jt07

      Sounds like it could be depression to me. You can do whatever you want to do no matter how much depression wants you to believe otherwise.

      By the way, "opposite action" reminds me of the Spongebob Squarepants episode "Opposite Day".

    2. philosophin

      philosophin

      My doctor agrees with you!  She just upped my Wellbutrin to 300mg (which reminds me, I need to change my sig...)

      Haven't watched enough Spongebob to know the specific episode you are referring to, but I can imagine :P  DBT terms do sound kinda silly sometimes...like this week, we are doing dialetics.  It's a fancy sounding term that basically means "engage in anti-black-and-white thinking."

    3. jt07

      jt07

      I'm glad your doctor is taking action to pull you out of this.

      Dialectics sounds like a philosophy term from Hagel and Marx. Interesting it would be in a DBT book. I've never done DBT only CBT and some other kind of therapy where the therapist just asks questions and you answer. CBT was useful, but the other was totally useless to me.

  10. Highlights since my last post
  11. Just the fact that it has fucked me over completely. I've spent *years* of my life disabled by depression. I just can't seem to function normally for any sustained length of time. My employment record is crap as a result. Pretty sure that I still don't have enough work credits to even qualify for SSDI, should assistance become necessary at some point. And to make matters worse, I'm a bridge burner. I get in my super angry (possibly hypo) moods and run my mouth off to people who have wronged me (and trust me, I don't hold back on the obscenities and insults). Just...ugh. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.
  12. It's been 10 days of abstinence from booze and my weight is already down 5 pounds! I'm excited to see how much weight I'll lose just from dropping alcohol. Not only are cocktails (my preferred imbibe) loaded with calories, I feel like alcohol consumption leads to sh!tty eating habits. I definitely haven't been eating as much since I stopped drinking. *edit* Yeah I think it's appetite loss. I've lost 9 lbs in 2 weeks...not that I'm complaining. I needed to lose that weight. I just wish food didn't make me gag.
  13. So...I struck a deal with her. I stopped drinking so that she would prescribe Xanax again. But she doesn't want me to take my PRN ones, just the extended release ones, because "0.5mg is a pretty big dose." (Really?) Also, she doesn't trust her patients, so now I have to take Antabuse and do a random piss test once a week to prove I'm not drinking. I think it's time to seek a second opinion.
  14. Good news, everyone! I stopped drinking completely last week and so far have had to deal with nothing except alcohol cravings.