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About PapasFritas

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  1. I haven't been formally diagnosed with Borderline PD, but what I am experiencing seems similar to the symptoms I see described, so I hope I can post here to see if anyone can relate to my experience. Nothing is logically apparently wrong with my outer life. I have a girlfriend, and good job, and two wonderful boys. But I have long suffered from depression and anxiety, severely at times. I'm relatively stable at this point. But I have a restless, dissatisfied, frustrated core in my soul which cries out for relief. Its drive is to break through my superficial appearance of peacefulness and call attention to my pain in a dramatic manner. Outbursts, substance abuse, personal property destruction, job abandonment, dramatic attempts at securing attention and pity are all inner drives which this "demon" longs to bring to the surface. I have begun recently with Prozac. It does quiet the inner turmoil somewhat, but it feels like a thin barrier that could be broken through quite easily. Emotions are muzzled, which is unpleasant in its own way. It's an internal battle between the demon and antidepressant chemistry. As Peter Frampton would say, do you feel like I do? What is your strategy for handling these moments?
  2. Well there is hope because you have had a few periods of remission. 3 years is long time to be in remission, in my opinion. I agree about the Wellbutrin and Xanax. I take both, so I can claim that Wellbutrin can exacerbate my anxiety and Xanax can cause depression (I speak for myself, at least). But they have benefits, so I continue to take them.
  3. When I see a pdoc, I have a hard time expressing my feelings and being honest. What I have done is written down exactly what I want to say beforehand. I then read it word-for-word at the appointment.
  4. Personally, I have found that alternative medicine and "natural" treatments are worthless. But if it is legal and nobody has dropped dead from it, it might be worth a try. As far as using marijuana to cure your lack of motivation, all of the pot smokers I have known are the most apathetic group of people I have even seen. That doesn't explain Paul McCartney though.
  5. I had these same feelings, so I starting taking videos of my boys a few months ago. I'm glad I'm doing this. I think it is a great idea. But I see you feel like you are taking it to an extreme. Do you spend time enjoying the videos and photos you have taken? If you realize you get no pleasure from looking at them, maybe you'll see it's not worth the trouble. But sometimes obsessions are irrational (I know this well).
  6. I don't think your are needy; you are normal. I, too, fear the day when my parents pass away. I don't know how I will react. Maybe consider an online dating service. That's what I did. You will find many people in the same situation. You don't have to find the love of your life, just some human interaction.
  7. You've been through hell. I went through a difficult divorce, so I have an idea of your experience. It took me a few years to get to a place where I could hold a job and keep my mood tolerable. There are lots of psych meds, so it might be worth it to try a few more. You did say you took an antidepressant for a while and felt better, so there is hope. It does take time, though, to find the right med. I find having somebody to dump my feelings on is helpful. Like a counselor or a friend. I also find that doing something out of character for me can help my brain shift. Like experimenting with a new hobby or signing up for a dating service. Also knowing that many people go through what I was experiencing was comforting in a way.
  8. I had that on Seroquel. Like flashing strobe lights. And those voices you hear in you head just before you drift off (not hallucinations, but hypnogogic imagery).
  9. I wish you luck. I tried Viibryd a few times. I believe it did alleviate the sexual problems some, but it wasn't so effective for me for depression. I think I'm going to have to go back on an SSRI, at least for a while. Get ready for sweaty, 3 hour, anorgasmic SSRI sex. I hate it. The Paxil has a short half-life, so I would think drug holidays are feasible. Ropinerole supposedly has some potential to help with this problem. Hopefully your doctor has an open mind about this.
  10. I see Brintellix and Fetzima are out now, and might be worthy a try, but actually I got my NP to prescribe Luvox. (I have to tell her what I want, since I seem to do more research than she does). I read it has a lower incidence of sexual side effects AND a short half-life so I can take the drug holiday. Seems promising.
  11. My mood had been great with the job I have had for the past two years. 40 hours a week. Perfect. I was on a regular schedule and loving it. Then our system crashed in January. 12 hour days and weekends became the norm. My depression and agitation came back with a vengance. We are back to more normal hours, but with a uncertain schedule and occasionally weekends. To my mood, the damage is done. I'm seeing my pdoc to discuss new meds. If the need for longer hours arises again I will say I cannot work more than 9 hours a day. I have a low tolerance for stress.
  12. One thing that happens with my depression is that I get enraged by certain voices (real voices, not psychotic, mind you). No so much the voices themselves, but what they say, how they say it, and the fact that they are repetitive and I hear them many times a day. For example, at work, a certain person frequently pages another certain person in the same nasally voice and with the same intonations. "Joe Hernandez, please dial 527. Joe Hernandez, please dial 527". It happens at least twice a day. When I hear it, I want to punch the wall. The lady in the cubicle next to me always ends her responses with "mmm... yes". "Donna, here are the reports you requested." "Thank you, mmm... yes." "Oh, excuse me, Donna. "No problem. mmm... yes". I want to tell her to shut up. A man tells everyone to have a good evening when leaves. He says the word "evening" with three syllables, put a special emphasis on the first one. "You all have a nice EV-en-ing." It make me want to cry. When my boss approaches my desk, I recognize the sound of his breathing, and it make me sick. And here's a non-auditory example: the man who sits across from me eats his lunch with his back hunched in a certain position,and it pisses me off. Does anyone else experience this? Is this a symptom of depression?
  13. I hoping this is the right forum for this question, and I can benefit from your experiences. I'm currently on Lithium, Lamictal, and Wellbutrin for depression. Problem is I have anxiety, which has become a big problem recently, especially with agitation. Now I have taken SSRIs in the past, which give me that feeling of calm and well-being. Must be the serotonin. Unfortunately, wouldn't you know it I can't consummate physical intimacy while on them. Extremely frustrating, and I always quit them. So, I'm on a mission to find something which will give me that same benefit without that annoying side effect. I've tried Buspar, but maybe the dose wasn't high enough (30 mg). I've tried most of the SSRIs/SNRIs (including Viibryd), but with the same annoyance. Gabapentin was not effective. By the way, benzos are not a first choice by my NP given my history of overdoing them. I just tried Risperdal, but that crashed my mood. Zyprexa, I've tried -- weight gain. I know, I'm picky, but if I'm unhappy with the side effects, I'm stubborn and won't take it. I hope I don't sound like a whiner -- I know people have to live with worse side effects, and would probably consider my complaint persnickety -- but my sex life is important to me. It is a major part of my overall happiness and also an anxiety reliever in itself. Have you found a successful solution to this problem?
  14. Anyone find significant relief for anxiety with Gabitril? I hadn't known about this drug until just now.
  15. I'm currently trying to find something for agitation too. The SSRIs work well, but I've always quit because of the sexual side effects. I take Lamictal and Lithium, but they don't seem to do the trick. I tried Risperdal, which definitely subdues something... but it crashed my mood. Zyprexa is effective, but the weight gain... sigh. I just lost 30 pounds from my last Zyprexa run and just bought a new wardrobe. Then there's always intense exercise. Endorphins are wonderful.