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About StarCrazy

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  • Birthday April 5

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    England, UK
  1. Sometimes you dont see eye to eye enough that it affects treatment. When you distrust your handler its time to request someone else.
  2. I've always had a 'clicky' body. From my ankles and knees, to my toes and wrists. In the last year though my thumb has started clicking whenever it is moved. It getting to a point where I just want it to stop. Changing my activities to try and help it but its all the time all week :'(
  3. Close friend of mine that i see regularly sometimes upsets me deeply from gloating/boasting over his sexlife. Short story is growing up we argued over the same girls a few times with him being the backstabber. So when he bigs up new romantic partners it brings me right back to where i was as a teen, only with even more envy over his life/family/relationships and achievements. I don't think Ive ever spoken out about it. I see it as myself bringing up old problems in a new light, some kind of unresolved feelings of blame/resentment.
  4. Thanks for the responses. It is a very weird situation. As I say, Ive been treated like this by my older sister for a long time. I'm soon to be 26, and I would guess that the roots of this problem started when I was around 6 years old and I got tired of biting my tongue and trying to get on with my older sister and instead being met by dry insults and mild callousness and instead decided to 'leave her to it'. I remember as a young child thinking 'I have two sisters. I dont need to get on perfectly with both of them' One thing that really bothered me: I spent many many hours playing with my younger brother when he was an infant to about an 8 year old. He was probably my best friend in some aspects. I could just forget about my problems for a while and play with lego and watch TV as 20 year something year old because he was so fun to be around. So much so that I was told by my psych team that it wasn't very healthy sibling relationship and that I should let my parents deal with him more. About 9 months ago - around the same time I made this thread it - was just before or just after myself and my brother got in a heated argument about space and respect. Hes 14 ish now and we were sharing the same living space. I was angry over how he leaves it in a very messy state and is consonantly shouting at people while gaming (we sat next to each other). When I asked him what his problem was and why he wouldnt do what I was asking, he went off on a long one about how I was never there for him growing up, and that I never did anything with him and it absolutely destroyed me knowing how much time and effort I put in to his youth and entertaining him with childish games, going to movies, buying him presents - but despite all that he had nothing but hard feelings and anger. I never had anyone like that when I was growing up. I completely lost my temper with him and shouted the most I have shouted in years. My own actions made me cry shortly after. I was so caught up in my own rage. Again the idea of feeling invisible came to mind. Come to think of it moments of anger and rage like this is probably a massive part of the problem from my younger siblings' perspective. Knowing that my parents only understand my mental health issues to some degree, my younger siblings almost definitely don't understand it. And they probably are very unable to separate my actions of genuine comments and my deluded psycho babble.... I recall a few years ago telling my younger sister that "schizophrenia doesn't mean multiple personalities" and she argued with me endlessly about how I was wrong (despite my diagnosis of psychosis/schizo affective disorder and years of support for it..) We've had a couple of instances where mental health professionals want to get my siblings involved in treatment and both times my older sister refused, and the general vibe from my parents is 'well thats fine'. Where actually, its fine for my parents perhaps, but its not fine for me. One instance was when I was first psychotic ten years ago, and the other was about 5 years ago. But other than that they only know whatever my parents have mentioned, which is limited in itself. (As a aside note - family therapy sucks. We had 3 sessions and it was stopped. When your family isn't really functioning, and theres massive issues of communication and all of a sudden you have people in your house asking you questions about your inner thoughts/feelings about other people: I felt like its an easy way to offend people with no repercussions. My Dad talked so much bullshit that he clearly didn't mean because he clearly didn't want to be there. My mum was the reverse and made it clear she was very unhappy with the house. I had no idea what I was meant to say, or what I wanted to say, nor and how to represent my feelings without offending. Meanwhile my 8 year old brother is making kiddy jokes and insults about family and we are sat there supposedly treating him as he was some gospel child who could only see truth.) Another term that I've only fully understood is 'the black sheep of the family'. It more or less implies a similar thing but with slightly less accuracy. But as a visual metaphor it makes sense... We are not so different, and yet I am treated like a different species. My main qualms aren't really living arrangements. Its really times like Christmas, Mothers Day, family birthdays that are the hardest. I end up in situations where I am surrounded by 3 people that clearly don't want anything to do with me and yet we are interacting with extended family normally, they interact with themselves normally, and I'm just kind of there. I do find some 'everyday days' difficult like when someone makes tea but they 'forget' to make me any. Or when I am tasked to ask a sibling down for dinner knowing that that's the most ill talk to them in the rest of the week. The worse part is that despite raising it with my parents neither one of them has ever really been able to comprehend the issue. When I am depressed/emotional the 'estranged sibling' nature is like a vulture that preys on any kind of will to live, calling me down a spiral of negative thought. When I had the arugmnet with my brother, Ive felt psychotic and suicidal and blurted out to my Mum that my siblings would prefer it if I were dead. My Mother said it's just because they find it easier to stand to one side of me and its easier for them.... A comment which I raged at. When I have 'fought for my place' in the family (as my Dad put it) and tried to open conversations up as much as possible I get a weird mixture of a response. My younger sister (and brother to some extent) may answer my question, but to the rest of the family as if my voice came from my Dad or my Mum. There's some kind of weird shame they feel for looking at me in the eye. And after a couple of questions I am not met with questions or answers from them, and further questions reap little answers. My older sister has almost always just given as little as possible answers. Single words, sometimes just gestures. My overall feeling is there is no way to 'win' in the situation. There is no magic password or ritual of actions that will suddenly make my siblings aware of what they do and how from my perspective I feel ganged up on and purposefully isolated. How they come across as incredibly malicious and hurtful given my mental health issues. Change has to come from them and I can only be myself. I try to be as un-spiteful as possible and to treat them with respect. It has to be their choice to start treating me like a person, and only then can anyone make amends. Long post!
  5. Yup. Its quite irrational but from my perspective people rarely ring about good news. Sometimes I just don't want to talk to people, I want to be left alone and do what I want without distractions.
  6. Great topic. My only 2 cents is that its never worth it to engage in debate with people on social media. If you are close friends, acquaintances, family; it doesn't matter. People like being in their own bubble online and I found even when people are posting on my own posts/statuses, they are completely oblivious to anyone's opinions but their own. I also think in real life a lot of it has to do with your style of debate. Some people think the best way to win an argument is to repeat what they think is right and how their opinion is far superior, and really push it. Make a scene about how the other person is ludicrous/stupid. You'll find the best debaters kind of nudge you towards a different opinion and make you think about it, rather than pushing their own opinion on you. There's the phrase 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar' which I think is undoubtedly true.
  7. So a long time friend (nearly 15 years) of mine who is in a band with me (we usually meet up twice, or thrice a week) had a little spat that left me feeling so confused. Essentially 2 weeks ago I asked him to mix a finished piece of music for me as a favour. He had a go and got most of it right but with some more work needed. But two weeks pass and nothing happens so I send him one reminder that he ignores, and a second reminder that he responds with: "I'm quite busy at the moment but I'm sure I'll get it done" So I ask him 'try and get it done before the end of the month' and 'I'm sure you can do it as long as you remember to do it' And he responds that "you're being overly harsh." Now bare in mind in the past 7 years or so I've sent him tons of projects. Sometimes with specific goals, sometimes more open and free, sometimes that he asked for. And generally his response is almsot always that he likes what he hears. BUT he has never once sent anything back(!) because he isn't able to actually find the time do anything with it. And also bare in mind that I already told him I wanted it before April and half of that time is gone. So I say, "yeah I am being harsh, but I feel like its due given previous circumstances" To which he responds that "Well its not a very helpful way to be. Phrasing things considerately isn't much to ask" So then we go back and forth a bit until I say "Where did I upset you? I dont see what you're offended about" And the response is "Id prefer it if you'd have said : I'd appreciate it if you could get it back to me by April" So literally he is offended that I said 'Try and get it to me before April' and that I didn't say 'Can you try and get it to me before April?' Maybe I'm over reacting, but I feel like this was the stupidest waste of time so far this year. What do you think? Am I missing the point?
  8. Yes. If you've always lived at home your family/parents are probably used to scolding you from when you were young and not really thinking about what they are saying - just letting their immediate emotions do the talking. The best thing I ever did for my relationship with my parents was to move out for a couple of years. When I came back they understood boundaries much better, and I understood how much effort it is to keep a clean ship!
  9. Gotta agree with the majority - I've been on both and while XR sounds like a great idea in theory, the reality is it just ends up ruining the day. Rather than feeling super out of it exclusively at night (or when I take the meds), I feel very 'abnormal' for the majority of the day instead. Its not that different from having a 'low energy day' that I used to have very often when I was a child, the feeling that something is awry and you dont quite have the energy to do your normal activities because of the low energy. 'Day Fog' is very accurate term.
  10. I only realised when I finished wriiting this that you now have gone for an SAD light. Please feel to disregard this if you get on well with the SAD lamp. I suffer from SAD (at least I recall my P.Dr saying it seems likely anyhow) and one thing that made winters way more bare able was not an SAD light, but instead a light alarm. Maybe you've heard of it? Instead of an alarm that uses sound (be it bells, or digital beeps, etc) you get an alarm that uses light. Im someone who will sleep through a flash flood and have tried all sorts of alarms, (including mechanical bells) but light alarms cant be beaten. When winter is in full swing and theres maybe only a 6 hours of sunlight a day, being woken up with light makes a strong impression on my mornings. If you have £150 to spare I would highly recommend getting a decent one (avoid a Lumi becasue A) they arent very good compared to others and B) are prone to breaking after 9 months or so). I use this Philips one and while I wouldn't say it single handedly saved me from SAD, at the same time I felt far fewer effects of SAD.
  11. I havent been properly low in a long time. At the moment Im really struggling to see a future. Ive never worked in my life and I really struggle to see myself with a job. Diagnosed psychosis when I was 16 and generally while Ive had many patches of pschotic spells, the thing holding me back is not psychosis but sleep. Ive never been able to get my sleep in a place where I have guarenteed daytime even 5 days a week. I always seem to need 12 hours of sleep a day as a minimum. And generally I tend to favour staying awake in the evenings and waking up after mornings (midday to midnight, or 11 to 11). The most control I have had was somewhere in 2010 where for about 3 weeks I would go to sleep around 7PM and wake up at 8AM reliably. However this was part due to different medication that I eventually was taken off due to mania. At the moment I really don't enjoy living with my family. Ive been thinking about moving out but it's impossible without a paying job. I lived in my own at a YMCA a few years ago and it made a good change. After 2 years I moved into shared accomidation but it didnt work out in the end. I had a suicide attempt mostly due to depression combined with living with people with much more active symptoms of psychosis, mandatory meetings with staff, and not really feeling at home in my actual home. The house I live with my family now is somewhat too small for the amount of people living here. My bedroom fits my bed and my clothes and thats it. I spend a lot of time in a converted garage where my younger brother also spends most of his time in the house. I have a computer that I bought with savings and he has his xbox. Theres also a piano my Dad bought recently but never gets tk play due to my brothers xbox. My brother has had a very different upbringing to me as he is some 12 years younger. Most notabley he has had 3 older siblings be a part of his development and where language and communication were things I struggled to aquire my brother has always been very loud. Similarly while my parents where very harsh with me and my siblings my brother has never really ever been punished. The few times my mother has told him hes not to watch tv for doing something nasty, he has simply gone gainst her wishes with no repercussions. As such they dont really bother with punishments. Hes also been very "lucky" with material possessions. Today what really urked me was he asked my mum to buy £25 worth of cards in FIFA. (To those that dont know, these basically give your team in fifa better stats like faster sprinting etc) Now i can break this down a few ways. First of all I almost never was bought games like this for no reason. Thats what pocket money was for. Second of all he was claiming that £25 was the cheapest option which it wasnt, it was just a way to manipulate her into getting more cards than he would bave done if he told her the true cheapest option. Third is where the trouble really begins and where I felt something in my brain spark up in mild anger. My family is fairly middle class. Since going to a new school (secondary school, high school) my brother instantly developed a new tongue. 2 years later he still uses an accent that is different to everyone else in the family. But hey if that helps to identify with his friends thats fine. Now in this shared room, my brother talks on a headset to his friends all the ducking time, and today i distinctly heard him first bragging about how his team is overpowered because of all the cards my mum paid for. Then after this he then repeat multiple times in his fake working class accent how "Imm not rich, mate, nah im not". I dont know why it bugged me so much. Even after writing all this. But it just seemed such an arsehole thing to do When my mum said that it was fine I did feel a bit jealous, for him receiving so easily what myself as a teenager didnt get. But i reminded myself thats its not my bussiness. But then when he brags about it to his friends who clearly arent given such generosity, he hides in this facade that he somehow has things bad at home and things arent easy for him, in spite of being given £25 off the bat for no reason. Now in reality and unknown to him, I know that my parents are struggling to pay the bills. I know my Dad is depressed. I know my mum has to work at least 4 hours to get that much money. I know what its like not to get what you want. I know how annoying it is people bragging about what their parents bought for them Maybe I identified with his friends. Maybe I just cant stand his voice and fake accent. Maybe I dont like his dishonesty. But since that occured all I can think about is moving out, contemplating death, worrying about how I feel l like an only child when I have 3 siblings that refuse to acknolwdge my presence. How very little would change if I werent to be here. How my brother knows not of being poor, or what hunger is, yet relishes in the social status of trying to appear worse off. My reality is that I dont hace a choice where I live without changing my life. But I really can't see how I can change my sleep cycle to a normal persons. And its this thought that is reeally driving this sense of hopelessness. After 9 years if medication my life is still stuck off the tracks. While there are things i can be thankful for, I dont know what kind of futire there is for someone like me. I cant live at home forever. I cant live alone without working. I cant work without obtaining a better sleep schedule. I havnt been able to obtain a "adult" in over 9 years.
  12. I was lucky that myspace was the main social platform when I was a teen, where there was no 'feed' of any kind and as such this kind of thing was very rare. Although having said that: I do recall there used to be blogs dedicated to detailing 'recovery' in a similar fashion but it tended to be anonymous. I remember receiving an 'add' from an anorexic who had all sorts of photos of her skin and bones. For me, the fact that you recognise a problem in yourself is always the first step in fixing it. But it confuses me how one can end up stuck on step one, and not moving on to trying confront the situation. In my opinion these kinds of blogs don't show they are moving forward, and instead come across as they are wallowing in it while suspending recovery. Whether it is helpful or not to the individual is a different question. While I run an anonymous blog that I type whatever the fuck I want about my MH problems, I would never do it publicly with my name/face. Its not meant for interactions, its meant for venting and getting thoughts 'out' so i can stop ruminating on things. Its also useful for monitoring reoccurring problems etc. I have a friend who constantly updates his Facebook feed with his problems, be it to do with his rent, depression/anger and MH in general, or stories of things that have gone wrong in his day. Its my opinion that sharing this kind of thing publically, and consistently doesn't do you any favours, nor does it do his friends or family favours. As you say, it ends up becoming the main reason for him logging in and interacting with each other and spiralling to more lonliness/sorrow when he logs back in and sees that awful day from 2 weeks ago. I also think if you want to destroy a relationship/friendship, the fastest way to do it is always talk about your problems and nothing else. I'm always happy to be supportive and hear other people's problems, and if they are having an especially hard time - then I'll happily be there. But at the same time I do share your sentiment, that when that's all a friend wants to talk about it does destroy the 'fun' and purpose of their company. What you can do is to recommend they see a professional, talk about how a professional helped you etc. I found that people who were frequently down just needed a push to go see a professional, and maybe some tips on how to approach the first meeting, like taking notes before going in and making sure they list all their problems rather than being passive. Even if it didn't have immediate results its worth trying out. The worse is when you have people crying over very minor problems that sometimes you have dealt with already, unbeknown to them.
  13. So two things. First of all some background: Ive veen on medication for 9 years. For the first 6 years my Dad would go on and on about how medication is unnatural and how it bad for me to be relying on chemicals. He would encourage me to ask my Psych Dr to come off the drugs. He even went so far as to suggest the fact I am taking medication is a sign I am unwell because if I was well I wouldnt need to take drugs(!). This whole mentality is born out of a phallacy. We as humans are not a part of nature, therefore any action we do cannot be seen as natural. Toothpaste, vehicles, clothing, housing, goverment, faith etc. None of these things occur in nature, and yet no one would claim that these bad for you because they are unnatural. I had to accept that my Dad was simply ignorant on the matter and that I knew better, my mental health team new bettern science knows better etc. If you can relate to this I implore you you do the same. Its like a Priest calling for a Scientists experiment to be banned - the Priest may have his heart in the right place but he doesnt have any authority on the matter. Secondly when I was having frustrations with my Dad on the matter I heard from a couple of professionals that this attitude is common place and extremely common place among Asian communities, and imigrants from less developed nations. Both these groups would often completely shun mental health professionals who were trying to care for their mentally unwell offspring, and they would actively prefer to not deal with the mental health problems in a 'lets not talk about it and it will go away' kind of thing. The way they described it was that combination of superstition, a lack of knowledge, experience, and a fear of being judged meant that they thought ignoring the problem and acting as if it wasnt there was a better solution than dealing with it. So if your father fits into this broad category of ethnicity - that could be why. But if not, disregard this. (And for the record my Dad doesnt fit into this category.)
  14. Im not going to touch on MH too much but here is my opinion on offspring: When I was young I intended to have kids as a 'one day' 'in the right time and place ' kind of thing (bare in mind I'm relatively young now at 25). I think when I was a kid I assumed all people would have kids and only few people wouldn't. It was only around when I was 21 when I realised how much money, effort and time kids take to raise and how much damage poor parenting can do. At that time a lot of my issues with my parents started to flare up and become problems and I ended up feeling very unwanted and internally criticising how they had raised me. I ended up deciding that many of my issues with them were consequences of how they in turn were brought up by their parents. Quick examples: My Mum can be incredibly socially awkward to the point where it looks like she is being anti social when she's just nervous. When I had issues as a kid she very often made me feel worse because I felt her solutions to my problems were mocking me because they were very irrational and felt forced. When I had MH issues in the mix it didn't help those situations. In my opinion this was a consequence of her parents who are both very outgoing and talkative. Additionally throughout most of my youth I had a very strict Dad who was very inflexible, and would often resort to shouting aggressively, put downs etc when I didn't do what he wanted me to do. From what my Uncle said, their father had some very similar qualities in how they were raised. With witty insults being perceived as fine as long as they were from the parents perceptive but not vice versa. When you bare in mind children learn language by mimicking - this does not make a lot sense and is very unhelpful. In some ways I feel like not having kids in someways breaks this cycle of poor parenting. It stops reinforcing poor behaviours on to yet another generation. The other reason and the main one regarding mental health: having emotional problems as parents- end up rubbing off on your kids. My Dad's father died when I was a few years old, and I imagine that's why he had such a short fuse a lot of the time when I was little and how we ended up with the dynamics we had. Similarly looking back I'm 99% sure my mum had postnatal depression after she had my sister that went completely un-diagnosed. I recall her crying a lot and day sleeping very frequently for quite a few years. As a child it was agonising - feeling that my mum was in pain, and it gave me this need to 'step up' even though I was a fairly young kid. For both these reasons I think emotionally stability, self control and emotional intelligence are 3 things that are absolute needed skills to raise a child and be a parent. When I have MH problems I don't have any of those things thus being around children is not a good idea as they are very easy to mislead/confuse and also be annoying and disruptive. So from my perspective, I wouldn't want kids because for that 20% of the year when my MH issues are a problem - I would not be able to give them a proper father. Another reason is genetics. I read a while ago about a couple who both had family with schizophrenia and their daughter had psychotic spells at an extremely young age (barely 7 years old). And the final reason thing that definitively changed my mind was living at the YMCA for a short time. I was surrounded by people from many different backgrounds who had all sorts of poor relationships with their family/parents. The most important one I will mention was an orphan who had been abused as a young kid 'locked in cupboards' (as an example) and was taken away from his birth parents. He was raised by 2 devout Christians adoptive parents - who had decided that they didn't want to support him as an adult (IE just turned 18) and said that they would keep in touch and meet up with him for as long as he wanted but that he wasn't welcome to live with them anymore. A few years prior to this decision they had adopted a much younger half sibling of his. From his accounts they while they definitely were good adoptive parents and had been kind to him. But A) the idea that he became slightly 'un-adopted' when he turned 18 was a very distressing concept to me, and B) these WERE the good adoptive parents. There are probably many many orphans who grow without ever finding a stable home/parent, who go from place to place without any real human connection. So if i really wanted to have a kid I would probably look to adopt first. Why add more mouths to feed in the world when there are already so many?
  15. Since I was about 10 my older sister (3 years older) and I were quite distant. My first day of secondary school (or high school for you Americans) I remember her telling me 'if you see me around; don't talk to me, don't wave, dont smile - I don't want to have to deal with you at school'. And for whatever reason at the time I decided to respect that decision. When I first had mental health problems some years later she pretty much didn't exist anymore. I barely talked to her before onset of illnesss, but now she was a ghost. She would walk right past me and not say a word. No small talk. Eye contact at most. And she would decline any kind of invitation that was helping my recovery (like meeting with health services etc). Fast forward ten years (I am now 25), and we are still living in the same house, and I still don't exist for her. She will go way out of her way not to talk/respond/look at me etc. It used to upset me terribly a few years ago. Now I've kind of accepted it. Just as you can't chose your parents, you can't chose your siblings. And if my sister doesnt want to know me, thats her choice. ...or so was my mindset. However both my younger siblings (4 years younger, and 12 years younger) have followed suit. I now am a ghost in my own family/home. It makes me think about suicide a lot. It makes me consider self harm a lot. It makes me think about going on physical rampages a lot and damaging their stuff for no other reason than it would comfort me knowing they are inflicted with a pain. I of course have not done either of these things, but it doesnt change the fact that they look like very appealing actions at times. I used to think having an estranged siblings wasn't weird. Maybe not everyone had it, but I thought it was just an uncommon occurrence. I remember getting to about 15 and when talking to friends who had siblings, how they found it so strange and how even when I explained it to them a few months earlier or years later, they still found it really hard to comprehend. I only found the terminology for it this year. Wish I had found it many years ago as it would have helped explain it to friends and health workers alike. Really, I made this post to find people in similar situations and hear how you cope.