strange eyes

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  1. had some weird paranoia last night that the people who made my sandwich poisoned it with drugs.. ended up staying the night at my parents'. i think i am just physically and mentally exhausted from helping my dad move out his entire basement of motorcycle parts the past three days. i need a break. my body and mind hurt.
  2. day nine of clozaril (tues. feb 14 2017) pdoc upped dosage to 50mg yesterday. feeling similar to how it was when first starting clozaril, though not as bad. lack of energy is apparent. slight inner restlessness. was able to focus on reading, cleaning, self-care, meditation, and exercise. i sleep for six hours after taking clozaril at night and wake feeling completely rested. however i'm waking around 3am so i go back to bed and wake up with a headache and totally exhausted for the rest of the day. going to try to just sleep six hours tonight and see if that makes a difference. i have been oversleeping ever since starting the med. my usual amnt of sleep is six hrs. now that i take clozaril at night it knocks me out within the hour no matter what time i take it. voices at a decreased level, but are still occurring throughout the day. stress definitely plays a role whenever i begin hearing them.
  3. been taking clozaril at night the past four days. it's worked a lot better. i get to sleep easier and i wake up a little drowsy but it's nothing major. my voices have decreased slightly. i notice at nighttime when i'm alone in my apartment i barely ever hear a single voice which is a pretty huge improvement. i've been able to focus on my artwork for up to two hours of unbroken concentration. during the day i've been doing things like shopping, cleaning and making myself meals. i haven't been pacing either which is very surprising for me because last time i was on clozaril that was the main thing that made me want to stop taking it. so things are on the up and up. i see pdoc monday and it will be increased to 50mg. hi @OliverB! hope things are well
  4. for the past seven years I've accepted that I would have to live with auditory hallucinations the rest of my life. I also accepted that I would have to deal with pacing in circles the rest of my life. however I'm beginning to find I may not have to live with either of these things forever.. so I guess I have hope. i found out akathisia was a side effect of antipsychotics a few months back and my doc made med adjustments which stopped my pacing. this completely revamped my entire life. I couldn't believe I could sit down and relax without having to walk in circles or back and forth anymore. it felt like a miracle. i have hope that my voices may take a place on the back burner as well. it's only the third day of clozaril and I've noticed a decrease in the amount of voices I hear and the content of which they speak. it feels almost eerily silent in my head. i don't know. maybe I am getting a little off topic in relation to the thread content. but accepting these symptoms was a helpful way to cope for the past several years I suppose. hearing voices is not easy but I learned to treat them as any other thought process: accept that they happened then return to my breathing/whatever I'm focusing on.
  5. @melissaw72 yeah, i have to get blood work once a week for six months, then biweekly for another six months. after that year, it is blood work monthly. it is pretty much the same routine you went through as far as i can tell right now. i get a week's worth of meds after my blood is taken. i wonder if they will give me a monthly prescription once i'm at a therapeutic dosage though. currently doc is doubling my dosage each week for four (?) weeks til i'm at a therapeutic level. i've had the voracious appetite problem with almost every antipsychotic i've been on. before meds i was 100lbs lighter, though i was also an avid cyclist with very little body fat and probably a bit underweight. my pdoc has me on topiramate to help suppress my appetite. it's been helpful so far. my head is still quiet. i actually feel really good now. the sedation i struggled with all day has worn off and i feel alert and aware. however, it's about time for bed, hah. did you take your dosage at bedtime or in the morning? i'm currently taking it in the morning but i wonder if i should switch it to night. my pdoc said it doesn't matter if i take it day or night right now since i'm on the lowest dosage. i've heard from the nurses there that the higher dosages are taken at night.
  6. thanks for the response @melissaw72 . yeah, i normally drink a lot of caffeine and smoke a lot of cigs even when i'm not trying to cope with sedation like i was today. but today was definitely a little excessive usage. i'm supposed to take at least .5mg of klonopin every day then .25 as needed, but i didn't want to be extremely sedated so i only took half my daily dosage. i agree that it didn't help my sedation. i think my irritability is mainly coming from the sense of feeling 'zombie-like.' i get like this whenever i start new meds, so it isn't exactly unfamiliar territory for me. hopefully the sedation doesn't last for too long though anyway. what dosage were you on before you stopped?
  7. day one of clozaril (mon. feb 6 2017) - very sedated. hard to stay awake. napped for four hours. hard to focus on much besides brief stints of reading and listening to records. smoking a lot of cigs. drank a ton of caffeine to battle sedation. took .25mg klonopin. hard to take care of household responsibilities. mood is low. irritable. difficult to maintain conversations with family. voices throughout the day at a normal level. paranoia over making noises in my apartment is lower than normal. head is actually oddly quiet at this point. (8pm) i'm keeping a journal of my experience w clozaril. this was copy/pasted from notepad. i won't post every entry but i figured i'd post the first..
  8. so.. I moved into my own apartment but my voices got really bad. like I was hearing hundreds of voices per day. sometimes the voices would have convos with each other for hours at a time. I couldn't really take it anymore and I had an appt w pdoc on Wednesday. I asked her to try clozaril again since that is the only medicine that has touched my voices even though I was only on it for a week. it definitely reduced my voices for that first week but it made me pace which is why I stopped. anyway I've since realized that anytime I start a new med or have a med change I pace for a cpl weeks but it goes away. so that's why I decided to give clozaril another shot. my pdoc gave me an entire lecture when I brought it up abt how disappointed she was in me last time when I decided I didn't want to take it after only one week. she asked me three times throughout the appointment if I was sure I wanted to try it again. she said I had to make sure I stick it out for awhile til the meds are at a therapeutic dosage to give them a chance to work. I told her yes. but now my my voices have diminished back to where they usually are lol. I think maybe because I have hope that I'll be on a med that will get rid of them on Monday? but at the same time i am really afraid of the adjustment period of clozaril. maybe my voices have diminished bc I am adjusting to my environment? idk I feel like I really just have to try the clozaril at this point. like there's no turning back. the meds are already being filled, already started blood work, appts made etc. I just hope the adjustment period isn't too rough.
  9. (bold) is this a lot different from hearing voices? when i hear voices it is usually other peoples' thoughts in my head.. but maybe it is more of a 'thought insertion' thing? the quality of the tone of the voice is different from my own, though.
  10. I'm glad you're not having surgery Melissa. is the pain being addressed though? i signed a lease on an apartment today! moving in next Wednesday
  11. are you having "ideas of reference" possibly? here's a link describing what these are I duno, this might seem unrelated and it might be but when I was having ideas of reference, I thought everything in the universe was ultimately interconnected and personally significant down to the slightest circumstance in regard to my "destiny."
  12. why do you have to stereotype psychosis in the first place? everyone's experience of psychosis and the course it runs is unique to them. for example, i probably fit your notion of 'severe paranoid SZ' before i was medicated, but now, if you met me IRL, you would have no idea i had any sort of mental illness if i hadn't told you. i accept that i experience psychosis on a daily basis because i am aware of the fact that i hear voices a few times a day. i also draw on my past experiences where, like you, i had delusions (one among many) of unmarked police cars tracking my every move. this was when i was severely psychotic. i don't get delusions anymore. i also have excellent insight into the nature of my disorder. anyway, i don't think psychosis is necessarily 'all-encompassing, disabling, associated with poor insight, etc etc.' if you're having symptoms like hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, i would definitely classify that as psychosis, just as i classify my daily auditory hallucinations as psychosis.
  13. dang.. apt hunting is exhausting. I've spent more time on Craigslist in the past four days than I've spent on the computer in the past month. also driving places, checking them out, being dissatisfied, having apts taken out beneath your feet, emailing, calling, applications, research... agh! on the other hand I am enjoying the excitement I feel at the possibility of gaining my independence. yet I am a bit nervous about that too. but I know I can't live with my parents the rest of my life. it's time to move on. I'm doing well and my meds are working the best they ever have, so I think I'm gonna be ok. just gotta find that Right Place.