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About Kitkat.xx

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  1. picked up some crayola markers and drew flowers all over my arms and legs (avoiding scars of course)
  2. Self harm

    I don't know if anyone will ever read this but i feel that i need to let all this out. I'm not sure if this post needs a "trigger" warning as if it does you may not be in the right place but please continue to read Random info : 14 from nz so four days ago my parent was out for dinner and i was alone in the house for a while and i don't think anything triggered it i just kind of broke down and id never thought about self harm before that day but not knowing what was in my head i just lay down and cried for hours, after a while my parent came home and it was late so they went to bed (i managed to hide the fact that id been crying) and i sat up for a while listening to music and eventually i don't know what happened but the tears came back and i got the stupidest idea id ever had i got an ice pack out of the freezer and put it on my arm for a bit while i [got something to harm myself with--edited to remove specific method reference], i tried to cut my hand because i thought it would be easier to hide, (don't ever do it, it hurts like hell) and it stung like anything so i just stopped put the blade back and sat down for a while cradling my hand whispering "ill never touch my skin with a blade again", but eventually i got up again and [got the thing i used], i tried using the ice pack to numb the pain but it just made it hurt more (i wasn't doing it for pain, i don't know why i did it) so i ditched the ice and just began making lines in my skin, not deep but they drew a little blood. this was the worst thing I've ever done. I suffer from anxiety and used to suffer from depression and didn't ever think id turn to this. Skip forward a few days and i was staying at my friends, she's one of my closest friends but she's not very experienced in how dark the world actually is, she's quite sheltered, and in the early hours of the morning we were just talking about secrets and i had told her id been to the hospital for mental problems before but wouldn't tell her why ( i did that night, shouldn't have) but somehow it slipped out that something worse had happened i was desperate to talk to someone, so eventually after she had gone through many websites i decided to man up and show her, this was the worst part. I was wearing a jersey to bed so that she wouldn't see my wrist, i pulled up my sleeve and turned a torch on my arm and i will never get her reaction out of my head, this girl is one of the least girly or cry babyish people I've ever met, yet that was the first time in 3 years that I've seen her cry, and it was my fault. I feel so terrible. I had 7 little scars on my arm and she cried herself to sleep. and its my fault. Fast forward through another two rather quiet days (we're usually quite loud) and i got home today and i had talked to one of my very supportive and other closest friends over text and i had promised both girls that i couldn't and wouldn't cut again, and i thought that i couldn't. But i did. Im weaker than anyone i know, i cry so much and i cant handle things, i finally broke, and so without a single tear, i [got the tool] and made one more cut on my arm, I've been hiding it from my parent but I'm not sure how much longer they'll stay hidden. I don't know what to do, i broke a promise to two of my best friends, one of them who i knew was in a fit of tears, I'm so weak and useless, one of my friends hasn't messaged me back since we talked and I'm worried because i hope she doesn't hate me even though I'm probably just being paranoid. im so grateful for you taking the time to read this, please if you have any tips let me know, I'm not feeling the best right now. xx Kat