Hi, very good question one which I ask myself frequently
I have had depression since my teenage years due to a crappy childhood, but in the last few years it has got progressively worse.
I have severe depression and severe anxiety. I have tried many different medications none of which have lifted the dark cloud that suffocates me every day. I have also tried numerous therapies and am currently in CBT treatment.
Meds wise I am taking Fluoxetine 40mg for depression and Propanolol for the anxiety daily.
It helps to some extent but I still have days where there's thoughts that people would better off without my sad existence weighing them down. I have no motivation with eating, cooking, cleaning personal activities, managing finances or even being alive some days.
What I hate most is the constant heavy feeling in my chest, the need to sleep constantly but then having horrible dreams non stop that leave me shaking. Depression for me is a physical feeling of dread along with all the crappy stuffs...
I waited 9 months for my latest therapy to start and I've been hanging on to this life line hoping the will offer some relief to the pain or better coping methods other than self harm and the incessant need to get high or just leave reality for a while. Needless to say 3 weeks in and I'm loosing faith.
I wish I had a switch for the old brain, so I could turn off the inner voice that hates me so much. Turn off the constant worrying and illogical thoughts oh I wish I wish I wish!
i wish for a lot of things really but most of all would like to believe I fit in this crazy world somewhere for some purpose and that I deserve to be here as well.
And breathe ......
So that sums it up in a nutshell apologies if none of this ramble makes any sense but I'm not used to sharing and I guess the main message was Hello