cloudmonger

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About cloudmonger

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  1. What experiences do you relate to the most about my post? How did you solve the problem/situations? I haven't been on here much at all lately. I stopped going on FB shortly after this post. I realized I was living my life via Facebook in order to feel connected to ppl I know and it was making me feel much worse. I was yearning to have this "perfect" life that they all portray, which doesn't exist. I didn't cancel my account but deleted the app from my phone so i cannot check it easily whenever. It's just so damn fake! No one ever posts about weakness, challenges or when they are struggling & need help/support. I believe authenticity & humility are 2 of the best qualities you can have. For me, Facebook is not the place to go to connect to authentic lives, situations, etc. I feel like realizing this has helped. I can't just take off and move because my spouse just started his dream career/job here. He is foreign and it would be a long process to get him a visa for the US, let alone also find him a job that is decent :-( I only wish sometimes that i could just pack up, but he is the only thing that keeps me going at times. I don't know how old you are, but when you get to be my age you crave settling down. An awesome partner is really tough to find. I've been told if you find that special "someone" hang on, never stop appreciating that person and never let them go.
  2. Maybe it's one of those borderline psychosis thoughts? The thing is, I have no idea if the woman actually had Cancer and it wasn't obvious that anyone else on the bus was suffering. Is this a bizarre projection of some sort? When I was younger, I had an episode of heightened self-conscious feelings & paranoia that everyone was taking pictures of me. I had no reasoning as to why they were taking my pictures. I felt like many people around were talking about me....I just felt like they knew I was anxious and had a mental issue...they could all obviously see that I was super anxious inside. This practically gave me agoraphobia for a bit. I didn't want anyone to see me when I was feeling this bad. Maybe this is a common experience here though. Like many others here say - it is difficult to assess whether something is actually a sign of "psychosis" if you do have some insight (even if it is just after the fact) and it goes away, or whether it is severe anxiety?
  3. So this has only happened the last 2 days (not typical for me)... but I was feeling down in the dumps (as usual) on the bus due to an encounter earlier in the day that left me a bit teary-eyed. On the bus, there was an older (mid-50's) woman next to me with a fully shaved head. Prior to noticing her standing close next to me, I was having peculiar thoughts/assumptions that this woman next to me had Cancer and I could "sense" her suffering. I could feel her "pain body" as I looked into her eyes/face. As I initially got on the crowded bus, I thought I was feeling/sensing all people's pain on the bus and felt emotionally overwhelmed with deep sadness, yet also compassion. I was not thinking I was psychic or could read anyone's thoughts necessarily, it was more of this hypersensitivity of feeling...like I was absorbing people's pain and feeling it all, in addition to my mental pain - if this makes sense? It was fleeting (this all stopped as I got off the bus). I'm wondering however, if this is a symptom of psychosis? Like a depressive psychosis? It was NOT a good feeling & I've never had any sort of beliefs that I am psychic, all-sensing or anything of that sort yet this sort of symptom has happened to me before when in a more severe depression.
  4. When is your next pdoc appointment? Please keep up posted. I'm curious what he says. I am in a very similar situation (Lamictal has really been the best for me in terms of general mood maintenance, but is also causing the fluid retention/kidney issues and not quite enough antidepressant action). I'm sticking it out because ALL meds have side effects and most (for me) have had side effects that are totally intolerable (weight gain, metabolic issues, major sedation, or restless legs, insomnia.) I tried Lithium, but (for me) found it has more side effects than Lamictal in terms of sedation/weight gain. Then there are the regular blood monitoring tests with Liver/Kidney function. I also have a mild thyroid condition. No experience with Tegretol or Trileptal. My other main issue is chronic dysthymia/depression (low motivation/attention issues/anhedonia) the Lamictal has not helped enough. I will try a stimulant as an adjunct because I've tried literally all of the A/Ds & SNRI's (and like you have horrible side effects from A/Ps). Good luck!!!!
  5. No idea...she told me this during our first appointment. I gave her a laundry list of every med I've tried with the few "best ones" at the top of the list. I'm in europe and the rules are different here I guess. They consider stimulants really addictive/subject to misuse or something and most pdocs cannot rx it for off-label diagnosis (I'm guessing). Ritalin helped me a great deal. I told her that it had no side effects. I felt calm, focused, it eradicated the negative side effects of the SSRI I was on at that time. I felt much better, motivated, positive. I was able to become engaged in life again.
  6. Glad to hear you're doing better! I'm on same dose of Lamictal (stabilizing like Gabapentin), ok at the moment, but still depressed with incredible anhedonia. Started another trial of Abilify as adjunct, but too scared to go up more than 2.5mg due to side effects everyone talks about. It could be helping a bit, I'm on a sub-therapeutic dose though. My current pdoc said she cannot rx stimulants but she can refer me to someone else that does. I will make an appt soon, because it really helped me in the past get over the anhedonia and residual dysthymia. I am just hoping that they don't have to go through an entire new assessment & interview in order to rx it. They don't prescribe it here for depression or other issues other than severe childhood ADHD which is not really my primary ongoing issue.
  7. Nice to hear from you here OliverB, how are the meds & everything going? Do you feel relieved that your pdoc agrees with your diagnosis? What are the next steps with getting the help/recovery that you need?
  8. Thank you. I am feeling so depressed and alone. My husband is one of those totally incapable people. He is a robot when I feel depressed.
  9. That's amazing that you have a job. That's awesome you have an understanding boss as well! Do you set appointments, talk to patients & what not for the psychiatrist? General office/follow-up filing stuff? I've been unable to land a job at the moment. It makes all of my issues much, much worse because i am constantly in my head and have absolutely nothing to distract me....No reason to really get up in the morning, no structure to my day. Do you plan to get a MA or PhD in Psych Research? I find it very interesting too, but no idea how I'd ever be able to afford or even slog through 6 more years of college and actually find a job in that specific area! :-( I'm certainly smart enough, but have too many issues (and no discipline)! Can I also ask you what exactly are "Negative" Symptoms in schiz as opposed to "Positive" symptoms? I would think that all the symptoms (like delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, anxiety) are all Negative symptoms??
  10. I don't have the same symptoms you describe (Hallucinations, delusional suspicious or paranoid ideas) but I am struggling with the fact that I will have this mood disorder/MI/Depression for the rest of my life. It is extremely difficult to ignore it and it is just as difficult to fight it. Fight vs Flight.... It probably will ever go away and it not only destroys me everyday -I don't know if doctors really understand that it is distressing me this much....it has severely disrupted my life and ability to function....it continues no matter what I try. Do you feel like the symptoms you describe above are intolerable or are you actually able to ignore and accept them? I don't think I could. If I was seeing/hearing/believing these things, I would crack and have to check myself in a hospital. I WISH I could radically accept this disease and stop fighting. Or just give up and be defeated. I haven't been able to do either. I'm simply managing/surviving (in a mediocre sense)....like many of us here. BTW I'm assuming you have tried taking A/Ps to get rid of the Hallucinations & these paranoid beliefs? Did it not work or make you worse??
  11. Ok, not sure where to post this, yet this is all tied to my mood disorder. As mentioned in my other post, I stopped going on Facebook 2 weeks ago (it was making me severely depressed. I was passively scrolling it for HOURS everyday, yet I was never posting anything). My husband told me that I have simply exchanged one addiction (FB) for another, with going on this CB Forum. I told him that I post here because it is the only support I have from people that understand what I go through. This is only place (other than Therapy) where I can express myself/be accepted as who I am. People here can relate! I have no friends or support now, there are no support groups where I live. No one understands and it is causing me extreme distress. He says I should completely STOP going online here and on Forums, because I am avoiding interactions/going out in the "Real World" and I'm INTENTIONALLY AVOIDING making real friends or new contacts. I told him I am struggling with severe depression and have crying spells daily (he says this is an excuse)....I can barely leave the house let alone start networking, smiling with a bunch of strangers, many of these "Meetups" are in bars and drinking alcohol really effects my mood. Large groups of foreigners give me social anxiety. He suggests I get into a better routine (go out early every morning, go to the gym every single day, do class & work on my language studies all afternoon) He has this idea that a rigid/militant schedule (basically forcing myself to do things with brute force) will make the depression go away. I feel totally invalidated by him and don't know what to do. He doesn't want to hear about my daily struggles - he cannot relate or offer emotional support. Is going on this Forum daily a BAD THING??? Like, longterm, will it make me worse & housebound?
  12. I'm sorry you are dealing with this! This combo is rare - but if it really helps your symptoms, it shouldn't be so impossible to get! I can understand you must feel stuck with going to the same pdoc because no one wants to prescribe stimulants. I am dealing with this same issue because my current pdoc says she does not prescribe them (even though I had a previous pdoc prescribe them to me). I will continue to see her, however, she must refer me to someone else if I want to get a stimulant (and it probably isn't guaranteed that they will approve). They didn't give ADHD tests when I was a kid, so there was no chance I could have been diagnosed as a child - they do not approve this here for adults or as an adjunct for depression :-( Are you saying that your pdoc is also your therapist? Because you can only go to 1 person for both? How are you doing otherwise?
  13. Maybe give it some time and see if they will increase. Good luck!!
  14. Thanks for the great suggestion. I've read a few articles that it is a new treatment starting to be used in trials. I don't know if I'd have access to it in Europe? Probably not because they are conservative around here and not as into innovative stuff. Probably expensive and difficult to access even in the US? I've heard Ketamine is a dissociative agent... like something they once used as an animal tranquilizer? Could it possibly cause dissociation or psychosis in vulnerable individuals? I'll have to read more. I've also heard that MDMA is being experimented with now in "underground psychiatry/therapy offices" Sounds very promising for those dealing with past trauma or complex-hard to treat issues. I did ecstacy in my 20's and loved it, never had bad experiences. However, I know that the street drug version is not clean and nowadays cut with awful toxic stuff. The pure MDMA is used at a much lower dose in clinical settings and sounds quite interesting medication in conjunction with a good therapist to guide you and help create a new narrative for yourself. However, again, it's not accessible really (in clinical sense) just yet.
  15. Are you currently on ADD meds? I have experienced push-back from pdocs not wanting to prescribe stimulants. I've had a couple past pdocs say I "could be BP2" because I've reacted badly to antidepressants, I've done well on Lamictal. I will keep trying because I felt like ritalin really helped me in many ways - particularly as an adjunct med. I agree with what you have said, most pdocs I've seen think ADD is a kids problem & if you weren't officially diagnosed as ADD as a child, then it's unlikely you have it. It's been a huge problem for me & I'm currently looking for a new pdoc that will be open to putting me on a stimulant again because it worked for me in the past with no issue.