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About cloudmonger

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  1. Nice to hear from you here OliverB, how are the meds & everything going? Do you feel relieved that your pdoc agrees with your diagnosis? What are the next steps with getting the help/recovery that you need?
  2. Thank you. I am feeling so depressed and alone. My husband is one of those totally incapable people. He is a robot when I feel depressed.
  3. That's amazing that you have a job. That's awesome you have an understanding boss as well! Do you set appointments, talk to patients & what not for the psychiatrist? General office/follow-up filing stuff? I've been unable to land a job at the moment. It makes all of my issues much, much worse because i am constantly in my head and have absolutely nothing to distract me....No reason to really get up in the morning, no structure to my day. Do you plan to get a MA or PhD in Psych Research? I find it very interesting too, but no idea how I'd ever be able to afford or even slog through 6 more years of college and actually find a job in that specific area! :-( I'm certainly smart enough, but have too many issues (and no discipline)! Can I also ask you what exactly are "Negative" Symptoms in schiz as opposed to "Positive" symptoms? I would think that all the symptoms (like delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, anxiety) are all Negative symptoms??
  4. I don't have the same symptoms you describe (Hallucinations, delusional suspicious or paranoid ideas) but I am struggling with the fact that I will have this mood disorder/MI/Depression for the rest of my life. It is extremely difficult to ignore it and it is just as difficult to fight it. Fight vs Flight.... It probably will ever go away and it not only destroys me everyday -I don't know if doctors really understand that it is distressing me this has severely disrupted my life and ability to continues no matter what I try. Do you feel like the symptoms you describe above are intolerable or are you actually able to ignore and accept them? I don't think I could. If I was seeing/hearing/believing these things, I would crack and have to check myself in a hospital. I WISH I could radically accept this disease and stop fighting. Or just give up and be defeated. I haven't been able to do either. I'm simply managing/surviving (in a mediocre sense) many of us here. BTW I'm assuming you have tried taking A/Ps to get rid of the Hallucinations & these paranoid beliefs? Did it not work or make you worse??
  5. Ok, not sure where to post this, yet this is all tied to my mood disorder. As mentioned in my other post, I stopped going on Facebook 2 weeks ago (it was making me severely depressed. I was passively scrolling it for HOURS everyday, yet I was never posting anything). My husband told me that I have simply exchanged one addiction (FB) for another, with going on this CB Forum. I told him that I post here because it is the only support I have from people that understand what I go through. This is only place (other than Therapy) where I can express myself/be accepted as who I am. People here can relate! I have no friends or support now, there are no support groups where I live. No one understands and it is causing me extreme distress. He says I should completely STOP going online here and on Forums, because I am avoiding interactions/going out in the "Real World" and I'm INTENTIONALLY AVOIDING making real friends or new contacts. I told him I am struggling with severe depression and have crying spells daily (he says this is an excuse)....I can barely leave the house let alone start networking, smiling with a bunch of strangers, many of these "Meetups" are in bars and drinking alcohol really effects my mood. Large groups of foreigners give me social anxiety. He suggests I get into a better routine (go out early every morning, go to the gym every single day, do class & work on my language studies all afternoon) He has this idea that a rigid/militant schedule (basically forcing myself to do things with brute force) will make the depression go away. I feel totally invalidated by him and don't know what to do. He doesn't want to hear about my daily struggles - he cannot relate or offer emotional support. Is going on this Forum daily a BAD THING??? Like, longterm, will it make me worse & housebound?
  6. I'm sorry you are dealing with this! This combo is rare - but if it really helps your symptoms, it shouldn't be so impossible to get! I can understand you must feel stuck with going to the same pdoc because no one wants to prescribe stimulants. I am dealing with this same issue because my current pdoc says she does not prescribe them (even though I had a previous pdoc prescribe them to me). I will continue to see her, however, she must refer me to someone else if I want to get a stimulant (and it probably isn't guaranteed that they will approve). They didn't give ADHD tests when I was a kid, so there was no chance I could have been diagnosed as a child - they do not approve this here for adults or as an adjunct for depression :-( Are you saying that your pdoc is also your therapist? Because you can only go to 1 person for both? How are you doing otherwise?
  7. Maybe give it some time and see if they will increase. Good luck!!
  8. Thanks for the great suggestion. I've read a few articles that it is a new treatment starting to be used in trials. I don't know if I'd have access to it in Europe? Probably not because they are conservative around here and not as into innovative stuff. Probably expensive and difficult to access even in the US? I've heard Ketamine is a dissociative agent... like something they once used as an animal tranquilizer? Could it possibly cause dissociation or psychosis in vulnerable individuals? I'll have to read more. I've also heard that MDMA is being experimented with now in "underground psychiatry/therapy offices" Sounds very promising for those dealing with past trauma or complex-hard to treat issues. I did ecstacy in my 20's and loved it, never had bad experiences. However, I know that the street drug version is not clean and nowadays cut with awful toxic stuff. The pure MDMA is used at a much lower dose in clinical settings and sounds quite interesting medication in conjunction with a good therapist to guide you and help create a new narrative for yourself. However, again, it's not accessible really (in clinical sense) just yet.
  9. Are you currently on ADD meds? I have experienced push-back from pdocs not wanting to prescribe stimulants. I've had a couple past pdocs say I "could be BP2" because I've reacted badly to antidepressants, I've done well on Lamictal. I will keep trying because I felt like ritalin really helped me in many ways - particularly as an adjunct med. I agree with what you have said, most pdocs I've seen think ADD is a kids problem & if you weren't officially diagnosed as ADD as a child, then it's unlikely you have it. It's been a huge problem for me & I'm currently looking for a new pdoc that will be open to putting me on a stimulant again because it worked for me in the past with no issue.
  10. Thank you for your reply! Please do let me know if you think of anything else that would help me cope. Yes I was on Lamictal about 10 years ago...up to 300mg. It helped stabilize (in a subtle way) but after a year I felt it wasn't doing much, especially for my depression. Plus at the higher dose (200mg+ I started getting mainly side effects/cognitive/memory/balance issues. I decided to try it again because it is one of the only meds where the side effects are tolerable for me. I have tried most of the medications alone and the reason I went off them was because I could not tolerate them. I usually give each med a fair trial (like 6-8 weeks if possible) But all of the SSRIs and SNRIs give me bad bad side effects and were not helping - in fact, some made me much worse! I don't like to take meds/drugs if I'm only getting bad side effects and they are not making a positive difference. My pdoc agreed that SSRIs & SNRIs are probably not good for me. A/P's I refuse to take because i had horrific effects from every one of them (except maybe Abilify) . I guess the longer I think on this, the more I feel like the biggest trigger of my severe depressive episode is situational factors.....this is something that is difficult to treat with meds. I mean, yeah i guess if someone has a family member die or goes through a divorce a short stint with an SSRI could be very helpful. I don't know....i just feel beyond discouraged.
  11. Yep, I'm actually not just "traveling through" Its not like a temporary/limited term by any means. I have officially immigrated here for residency. It's a totally different ballgame and I'm learning how naive it was to think it would always be fun, happy, exotic and amazing like traveling on holiday or a college GAP year. It's different when you pack up & relocate permanently.... You must integrate into the culture, learn the language fluently, you don't have the safety or camraderie of travelers like are cut off from everyone, your old familiar life, hobbies, habits, must forge your own way and do it alone. Sure, it's exciting to initially explore the new sights/sounds/landmarks, etc. Yet at the end of the day, it's not HOME. It will probably never be or feel like "Home" to me here. Starting over with nothing. I understand what it means to be a foreigner now - an alien in a strange land. Some people long for this, but for me since I'm getting older, it's extremely isolating & more of a challenge than I can deal with right now. Every little thing is a HUGE struggle & ordeal...Like going to the grocery store (finding little options, no ingredients or the foods you love), making an appointment (people just hang up on me bc they are impatient or cant understand me), getting my haircut (disaster), even finding a decent doctor or therapist (that speaks english!!) Trying to watch television or the news (there no english shows on broadcast tv here, all American shows & movies are completely dubbed in another language!) Getting lost or on the wrong bus & people start yelling at you - the bus driver can't help you. I come home sobbing in tears many days because the culture is so rude and one smiles or talks to eachother like in other countries. Then I think about returning home, but can't because there isn't anywhere to go really, plus I'd feel even more of a failure....All these things you do not even think about when in your own country or if moving across the same continent. Question for you, though: So if you are asexual, does that mean that you currently live alone and no plan for longterm companionship? (Since Marriage isn't all about sex.) Are there community groups of asexuals (like LGBT groups/communities?) I don't know how common it is these days, but I can imagine it is very difficult to connect with others because of the hidden stigma, that isn't really the "norm" That must be tough to deal with! Are you openly asexual? Do your friends all know about it?
  12. Thanks for the suggestion. I am taking a language class for several hours everyday (I moved to a foreign country where I don't speak the language) In fact, I was previously living in another foreign country where I didn't speak the language. I am beginning to have social anxiety going out, because people do not speak english here and they are very rude/busy/snobby. I hate meetups with big groups of random people, I really do. Catch-22 is, Loneliness is my biggest trigger. I will only solve this problem by going to Meetups and meeting new people. Yet, my depression/anxiety is so severe at the moment, all I can do is post here where I get support - where people are going through the same issues. I wish there was an english-speaking Support group here, but there aren't!! I must force myself to get out more. I do go to the gym but it doesn't really help enough. I am just so sick of feeling this way and struggling to simply "tolerate" my situation. I wish I could instantly manifest a couple of really nice, empathetic, reliable close friends..."Besties" so to speak. I feel like this would change everything. But everyone is married and busy with kids and a job. It's so tough to make friends or even meet people that are looking to expand their social circle at age 37+
  13. I'm doing much worse this week....I don't know if this Lamictal is helping. I've been on the Lamictal for 4 months now. From past experience, I start to get more side effects at 150mg (cognitive issues, balance issues). I don't know what to do. I thought I was feeling more stable overall, but now I'm beginning to wake up with severe depression & crying spells. As you'll see in my signature, I've tried 20 meds. I know there are more, but the ones that i haven't tried (Tricyclics and MAOI's) my pdoc does not recommend - she says that they have more intense side effects and I will become even more unstable. The worst problem for me now is situational (probably not chemical). As a trailing spouse, I've been Unemployed for 3 years in 2 foreign countries where I'm not fluent in the languages. It's insanely tough with Major depression (I am studying, trying to learn language everyday). My spouse is happy here so no chance of moving in the next 5 years. He's been unable to get a job in US (does not even have a work/residency Visa there) I am so isolated and alone and have had a meaningless/unproductive life around the apartment all day for 3 YEARS. I am so depressed that I don't feel strong enough to put myself out and network/meet strangers and all new people (I'm now having Social anxiety at Meetups full of foreigners). My therapist is gone for 2 weeks. I have NO SUPPORT here. I don't know a single person, except some 20-year old foreigners in my language class (they do not speak English). My husband does not understand, he works/is gone all day...All I can do at the moment is read/post on this forum. I know i need to take social action, but I do not have the strength to hold it together. I am surviving, but have breakdowns everyday outside of my class (mornings for 2 hours) & Evenings for about 2 hours. It is exhausting and debilitating. There are no English-speaking Support Groups around. I'm not religious, so I don't want to join a church (my Therapist suggested this) The culture/people are very rude here. I can call my mom, but she is a 12-hour flight away...she can't really do anything. I don't see my pdoc for 3 weeks (she only wants to meet once per month) I feel so hopeless & trapped, and don't know what to do. The times I've seen her, I was feeling better and more stable. Should I write her a condensed version of this via email & see what she says?? My issue is, will more drugs/meds really help, when my main trigger is situational (I think any normal person would be depressed if they were this isolated with no job for 3 years)
  14. So it's been almost 2 weeks now without FB (I didn't disable the account, but stopped going on it & deleted from my phone) I had a sort of "nightmare" last night, right as I was waking up this morning. It was about one of these "friends" that I'm horribly envious of. She just announced her pregnancy with her 2nd baby, has a really nice house (with a backyard garden full of plants & trees), 2 sweet dogs in the yard, in the one (totally unaffordable) city that I dream to settle down in forever. In my dream, she was smiling & laughing and surrounded by 2 dozen friends, her family, wearing an amazing dress (she looked stunning), hugging her adorable 2 year old and husband. There was music playing in the background, people were dancing, an amazing spread of food like she was throwing some sort of big celebration party...Everyone was happy and smiling, doting on her, telling her how happy they were for her, signing cards saying the nicest thoughtful things like "I am so grateful to have you in my life" "I love you" "Remember such & such memory....Amazing, crazy fun times" "Wishing you love & happiness on your exciting journey" "Thanks for being such a true blue friend" etc etc. I woke up severely depressed and can't get these thoughts/visions of people's Facebook profiles out of my mind. I KNOW this stuff is not really "Real Life" My twisted mind tells me that it is and I will never have any of this for myself. It's a haunting obsession. How do i make this go away???
  15. Wanted to add another question for you (or someone here) can hopefully help with: Ritalin was initially prescribed as an add-on for my depression combo. My pdoc at the time suggested it because I've had poor response/side effects to SSRI's, SNRIs, and even Wellbutrin has no effect. He said it can be effective to minimize cognitive/sedation/apathy side effects of antidepressants (although really off-label this way). I tried it and it worked extremely well for me, so he included the diagnosis of "Adult ADD" due to my positive response as well as the ADD-type symptoms I have in addition to major depression. Problem is, I moved (I'm outside of the US) and current pdoc will not prescribe it (even though I have legitimate Dx/Rx from another pdoc that gave it to me!!) My current pdoc said she would have to refer me to someone else because she is unable to "legally prescribe it" Wtf?! It's so upsetting because it's been a med that really really helped my chronic symptoms with no side effects. I am worried if I go to this new pdoc and he will have to give me a full ADHD test & interview because it is a controlled substance, and they want to limit use for only people that were officially diagnosed ADHD as children....whatever..... Do you have any suggestions? I can simply tell the new pdoc that my last doc prescribed it and he has a summary that confirms I had a positive response....What else can I do? What if I "fail" his ADHD test/interview?