RepentantSpatula

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About RepentantSpatula

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    abnormie

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  1. It sounds to me like you're doing the right things to help yourself, JD. Advocating for the kind of support you need, going residential when your home environment wasn't conducive to getting well, protecting your license. Keep asking for what you need and look after yourself.
  2. Thank you all for your support. I went to the funeral and it was all okay. It was better than okay, it was good. I kept it together, I saw folks that I hadn't seen in years. I'm glad that I went. Thanks again.
  3. My mom's funeral is tonight. She passed away last week. I was there with her when she died, but my family could not handle it and stayed out of the room. It was intense, but I managed. I took care of the cremation arrangements, hospice stuff, cared for her at the end, wrote her obit, etc. I managed all the things I hoped to be able to at the end. However, the funeral is tonight and that's the part I feel like I can't handle. We weren't going to have a service, but my brother was upset by that idea. I got roped into planning the funeral, ordering flowers, cleaning, contacting people, and all the stuff that comes along with that, but I feel like this service is taking me backwards in progress in terms of grief. I've been grieving for my mom for years. Her decline was protracted and awful. I see these photos and hear stories and it's like opening a wound. I don't want to cry in front of people - I want to grieve alone. I don't want to facilitate a service so others can have closure. I realize that sounds selfish and perhaps it is. I understand that the funeral is about Mom and the relationship she had with all of these people, but it's coming at a cost and I want to protect myself. I can barely keep my eyes open right now. Sorry for a less than respectable rant. I love my mom and miss her. I know she deserves to be the center of attention and I want her to be honored because she was a woman worth honoring. I'm really anxious and burnt out. I guess I don't know which way is up right now and hosting a funeral sounds like introvert hell.
  4. JD I'm so sorry he did this to you. It makes me think of a friend of mine whose abuser begged her for forgiveness. She told him not to ask her for that and that she wouldn't. It dawned on me that she didn't owe him forgiveness; it wasn't her responsibility to make her abuser feel OK with what happened. Whether or not you forgive your husband is for you to decide and on your timescale; it's not your duty. The fact that he's angry that you and the kids haven't moved on appalls me - it demonstrates a lack of ownership in what he did; accident or not. Punching the wall is not OK. My husband used to do that until I explained to him that I looked at it as an expression of threat - something that he wanted to do to me and I told him that it intimidated me. It's not OK. The fact that your husband accidentally hit you in the process doesn't make him hitting you less of a transgression. The kids are watching to see how you handle this. Support and love them and demonstrate self-love. Let your husband be responsible for his actions. Please be safe
  5. I wasn't even aware that users could fill out a report.
  6. I kinda feel like my tent city has just been bulldozed and we're scrambling to find a new underpass, but I get it and I think a lot of us knew it was coming. Chat's helped me immensely over the years and I'm sad for the reputation that overshadows it, even when it's sometimes deserved. I know we gave our mods and admins a workout, so thanks to them and to VE for hosting us for so long. I hope that you will still come and chat with us as users in our current base and to any future bases we may find ourselves in. Thanks especially to San who went above and beyond with daily chat moderation. Don't be a stranger. <3
  7. I know I've had that thought before, chronically. I was suicidal 24/7 from 19 - 36ish? 37? Yes, I think that people who say that don't understand the pain of chronic, debilitating depression. I bet it's right for many people making a snap decision, but so many of us suffer every day. The only thing that kept me going for those 25ish years was guilt. My plan was to go when my parents passed away, but I finally found a med cocktail which has alleviated or at least mitigated a lot of that daily suffering. I don't even think about suicide, but every few months or so. My opinion is that you are right, that saying is condescending and ignorant as shit for those of us with chronic MI. However, yes, some med treatment might come along and alleviate that pain for you. I certainly did not think it ever would for me until it happened. I hope my meds will hold because it is a different world when ending it isn't the goal. I hope you find the right cocktail for you and soon. Best wishes.
  8. Jeez Zoey, that does sound like a shitty day. I hope your luck changes soon.
  9. A gentle list for my stupid bad back. Clean the kitchen Take out recycling Clean the coffee table
  10. Thanks for sharing your experiences with us, c
  11. I've been a cleaning machine, but my place is still trashed. Today, I'm going to do the bare minimum and make some things to try to motivate myself / pep myself up. Kitchen trash and recycling out make bed
  12. I started feeling a little better at 100 mg, but I felt almost normal at 200 mg.