Pixiechick

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About Pixiechick

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  • Birthday 12/03/92

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  1. Sorry for the late reply. Everything turned out ok. We talked it all over. We spent over 3 hours just talking, me crying a lot, telling him everything. He was totally understanding. It ended in me showing him my journal, for the parts that were hard for me to say out loud. I'm glad we talked it over. Now we have to take care that something like this doesn't happen again..
  2. I don't want to pressure him into staying. I don't know. I'll decide when I go to him when he wakes up. Thank you for replying, I'm honestly really lost atm..
  3. Thank you for replying. I will tomorrow, I've been working nights these past 2 days, but after my shift tomorrow I'm going to see him. I think the relapse won't be the topic of discussion, it'll be other things like if he still wants to stay with me or not. I'm numb by this point already. Relapsed again today, so I don't really see myself stopping anytime soon. I don't want to tell him, because it might make him feel like he needs to stay with me because of my relapse. If he doesn't want to, I won't push him to stay. Even though I don't see myself with anybody else, I will respect his wishes. And I feel like by telling him about it, he'll feel obliged to stay with me. And that's not a relationship that is going to work.
  4. I relapsed yesterday. I felt it coming for a few weeks and I managed to distract myself. Yesterday everything just got a little bit too much for me to handle. I've been clean for almost a year before that (or so I think). And now I'm scared of how my bf will react. We got into a huge fight yesterday, over nothing, and luckily that ment that he hasn't seen my relapse yet. I wanted to tell him, but I was too scared. We barley talked yesterday after the fight and today. And I feel as if he's slipping away from me. I know I'm at fault here, it was my fault we got into the damn fight, and I apologized, but I think I've just done it one to many times for him to forgive me. And if you ask me what the fight was about, I can't tell you, because it was that unimportant. I saw the hurt in his eyes, and he kept pushing me away and I was so scared of losing him so I just kept pushing myself onto him. I want to do it so badly again today and tomorrow and for the rest of life, but I know I deserve better. It's just that cutting is such a comfort blanket for me, it has helped keep me alive through the years and it's something I don't think I will ever recover from. And that kills me more than anything. With every relapse I know what will follow. The last time I relapsed, it was really really bad. The worst actually. And it was almost a year ago (11months to be exact). And it was also the time when I had to come clean to him about my relapse and struggles. And it was bad. It was really bad. He kept checking on me, wanting to see I didn't do it again. And I didn't until yesterday because I was so scared of what I could do to myself. And once he sees my relapse now, I know all hell will break loose. I don't want to hurt him with it. This time period right now is the hardest for me, it's my grandads death anniversary and I'm just a mess. And I don't want to burden him with it all, because there's only so much that he can say or do to make me feel better. But I know that nothing really will. I guess I should give him a chance at trying to accept it, but.. will this happen everytime I relapse? He doesn't like me doing it, he has no idea how long I've been thinking about it, dreaming about it, scaring myself with it. Until I finally couldn't fight anymore. And I'm scared that by me not wanting to talk about it, or even giving him any clue as to what is really going on in my head, I've pushed him to far. I've made myself unavaliable and he's just giving up on me. I don't want to loose him. I can't live without him. I know we're ment to be. I'm not saying that in a crazy gf way, it's just the way it is. I don't see myself with anyone else. He's the one for me. I guess I should tell him that more often. Sorry for the ramble, just need some words of support and some new perspective on the situation as I can't figure it out on my own...
  5. We talked it over yesterday again. She's a bit better, but still, I know it killed her that she can't get the support from the people that are supposed to love her no matter what. Luckily she has us, her friends and her gf and we can do everything in our power to show her the love she deserves.
  6. Same in her situation, her brother doesn't even know yet, because she's scared of telling him. i just don't understand it, aren't parents supposed to be there for their children? Not make them feel bad. Like they told her they will never accept her like this. What kind of person does that? I just can't understand that there are still people like this around. It is, it still makes me cry today just thinking about it. I am there for her, but I can't make her feel better about it. She knows she has me, we've been best friends for 20 years so she knows I've definately got her back. But I can't do much for her in this situation. She knows I love her, but it's her parents love that she wants you know? I'm just so upset about this whole situation, i can only imagine how she must feel...
  7. My best friend called me today in tears. She finally came out to her parents. Her family is very conservative and narrow minded. I've known it since we were kids because her parents have always been super strict with her and not really supportive about her life. She calls me today, breaking down over the phone and I couldn't help and break down with her. I hate them so much! I was hoping that somehow I missjudged them over the years and that somehow their love for her would be more important that who she decides to spend her whole life with. She's finally in a great relationship, I can't remember the last time I've seen her this happy and this crazy about someone. Her girlfriend is amazing. She smothers her with her love and everything else that she deserves and she was so happy that she wanted to share it with her family. And this is how they react? I can't help but cry because it's so horrible. For them to not be able to look at her anymore and to tell her that they will never accept it just sickens me. I want to punch them all in the gut and scream at them until they stop with this nonsense. i just want to punch something so bad. How can it be?! My best friend is literally the perfect daughter and they can't even show her enough respect to look her in the eyes after she opens up about this? I love her to death and would do anything for her, but here I'm not able to make her feel better. I can only offer her my embrace and my shoulder to cry on but I know it does nothing to help with how her parents made her feel. I'm just so overwhelmed with this, I literally want to go to her house and kick them in their faces. They don't deserve a daughter like her.
  8. On the verge of breaking. Broken, sad and fearful for my best friend.
  9. I have resisted it so far. I can't think of the last time it was this hard to do it. I have kept myself really busy these past few days, so I think this really helped me. Thank you Distant Rabbit, I try to stay away from shopping when I'm feeling down because then I tend to spend money on things I don't need 😅
  10. Yes, I've been horrible today. Just overall in a horrible mood. My boyfriend wasn't around yesterday but he is today. He noticed that something was up with me, but I don't think he knows why I was in such a bad mood. I don't think he thinks I'm on the verge of relapsing whenever I'm feeling so bad. He has been giving me lots of snuggles yes. It has helped a bit, I also tried the alternative of snapping a rubber band on my wrist and it has helped as well. I was really close to relapsing earlier, but somehow I managed to convince myself not to do it. i haven't thought of freezing the tools, that's a really good idea. I think the best for me to just get rid of them, you know to keep it put of sight and out of mind. But it's really hard. I think I'm safe for one mote night from relapsing.
  11. Thank you for both of your replies. I haven't given in yet. The urges are still really strong today, I'm just trying not to do it. I know relapses happen, but I don't want it too. I know it will help, that's the problem, because it has always helped me. I'm just trying to distract myself. Also haven't told my bf, I know he would be sad of me even thinking about doing it.
  12. I've been clean since my last slip up in November, before that I can't remember when I did it, it was over 6 months. Today I'm feeling super on edge and I keep thinking about hurting myself. I'm trying not to, but I feel like it might help. I don't know who to turn to, my boyfriend is away and nobody else knows about it, except my ex, and well, I don't want to go there. I'm trying so hard to fight the urge to do it. The last relapse was the worst I've ever done it and it scared the shit out of me, I guess not for long..
  13. Thank you ladyboss for your reply I'm not from the states, I live in Europe and they charge you for therapy here.. I know they aren't really suicidal thoughts, since I don't really feel like I want to kill myself. They're just thoughts that scare me, like you said unwanted thoughts, I don't want them happening. I wanted to go see a therapist a while back, sometime last year, but then I chickened out, because well I checked how much it would cost and I don't have that kind of money to "spare".. I will have to check if there are some ways to get it for free, hopefully we do..
  14. I don't have that kind of money, I can't afford it... I will get better, I know it. I just need to get past this rut..