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About jacques

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  • Birthday 11/01/95

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    trans male

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  1. Not those meds in particular and I don't have a lot of meds experience at all (I've had mood disorder symptoms since 11 or 12 and was diagnosed BP1 at 21, about two and a half months ago), but I get your frustration entirely. I'm on a pretty low dose of depakote due to being a small person/my blood tests saying that my levels are therapeutic but too close to toxic to risk an increase, so I was prescribed trazodone to help me sleep. I tried it last night and it still took multiple hours for me to fall asleep, and while I get that it can take awhile to work I'm a little frustrated that it worked so quickly so fast for other people (according to a thread I made that people replied to as well as me researching the med). But I'm sure you'll get through this after trying some different combinations, hopefully.
  2. I was just prescribed trazodone today to help with sleep, which my prescribing doc is hoping will level out my mood (I'm swinging up right now and might be hypomanic? Not 100% sure but my tdoc said I was having definite hypo/manic symptoms today). I've got a few questions about the medication. If you've had it as a sleep aid, how did trazodone work for you? How long did you have to take it before it kicked in? I've never been on an antidepressant before, but I know there's always a risk of them sending a bipolar person into mania. Did trazodone ever send you into mania, or worsen any manic symptoms? I'm mostly concerned because my mood stabilizer doesn't seem to be doing much. Did it ever help with any OCD symptoms for you, if applicable? It wasn't prescribed for that and I'm not expecting it, but it'd be a nice little bonus if I did happen so I'd like to know your experiences. What were the prominent side effects for you?
  3. Long story short, my prescribing doctor wanted to put me on something to help me sleep but I didn't want the medication because I didn't think I had as much of a problem there as I now realize I do. I get to see her again today and want to possibly talk about this, on top of my symptoms of course. My question, though, is whether I'd need to take the sleeping meds every night or only when I need them. Or would it depend on the medication? I hope I put this in the right place! I did some googling and benzos are what came up to most commonly help bipolar insomnia, but feel free to move it if there's a better place for this question.
  4. Mixed hell sucks, I'm sorry. Best of luck to you.
  5. I'm mostly just wondering if anyone else experiences this. It's something that I used to attribute to the fact that I thought I had BPD and many people with BPD seem to attribute this to their BPD (and looking at the criteria, it makes perfect sense), but through a lot of thinking I'd wager it makes a lot more sense blaming OCD for this one. This is mostly because I am actually diagnosed with OCD, have a family history of OCD, and many of the borderline traits I was exhibiting that I thought could be separated from my OCD and bipolar seemed to disappear when I recently ended the relationship I'm going to be referencing. Anyway, that should be good for an introduction so I'm gonna get into it. An obsession of mine that has been looming in and out of my sphere for a few months now is whether or not I was an abusive person to a (now ex) friend of mine. He had been in abusive relationships in the past (ranging from violently physically, emotionally, and sexually that lasted a long time to emotionally over the internet that didn't exceed a month) and I went into this relationship with kindness in my heart, just looking to provide support to someone that a bunch of people around us were completely vilifying. We hit it off and things kind of went from there. We even dated for a few months within this bit-over-two-years time period, we bounced ideas off one another, were kind of creative muses for each other. It got rocky after awhile, but honestly I can't say I regret being involved with this person. Behind the scenes, things were massively rocky (mostly since we broke up over the summer, but there were incidents before that). He had an extremely short temper and would snap at the smallest of things. I saw our friend circle shrink to nearly nothing before the two of us got hugely on the rocks. He was also aggressively clingy and had an outburst when I didn't reply to a message for ten minutes, asked for my course schedules so he knew when I was taking tests, and if I didn't warn him that I would be seeing a movie like a week in advance he would get mad at me. I stopped going out to see movies after he did that, because my family usually impulsively decides to go see a movie. He also got mad if I saw something before him, finished a video game before him, etc. Super competitive and super jealous. I felt like I wasn't able to enjoy my vacation this past fall because I had to constantly reply to him and cater to him. And during all this, I felt really heavily codependent because he was a huge constant in my life, and I craved that stability (as much stability that someone like this can provide). I was always second guessing what I said to him, and felt like the most innocuous things were risky when I was telling him something. It was extremely nerve wracking. Things ended because I said something wrong and asked a stupid question in the midst of us making up after a fight. He proceeded to tell me to never talk to him again, and I figuratively fought for over an hour to get him to talk to me so that I could apologize for asking a stupid question. Before this ceased, he called me an abuser. This wasn't the first time he had done this during a fight, and I want to say I've been obsessed with the idea that I might have been one since... September? I've constantly checked and rechecked signs of emotional abuse to convince myself that I wasn't because my rational self tells me that I'm not. But those damn intrusive thoughts keep telling me that I am. And since maybe November or December, I've been checking his behavior against those lists and telling myself that it was him projecting and not a representation of me. That I'm not a bad person. And lately it's dragged into my thoughts telling me that I'm the one projecting, and I'm just trying to make him look like an abuser to me so that I can convince myself that I'm not. And it's just extremely frustrating. Does anyone relate to this? Is this related to my OCD, do you think? EDIT: Also, since he relayed his history to me (a long, long time ago) I've kind of been low key obsessed with the idea that I was accidentally abusing him somehow. And now this worrying that I'm mistreating people has bled into other friendships. I also have a tendency to obsess about 'what if I'm faking all of my problems' a lot. Is this normal?
  6. I can't speak on the problems with drinking and how that will affect your outcome, but I wish you the best with your blood test!
  7. The only thing I've found that works to stop me from compulsively shopping is to either leave my credit card at home or just leave the house as little as possible, I'm afraid. Or I just try and push and push my mind to concentrate on something else (which works okay when I'm swinging manic, cause it sets my brain swinging the opposite direction more often than not).
  8. So things have been on the rocks with a good friend for a long time, but they've finally kind of crashed and the relationship has broken. I'm upset about it, but what can you do? I've thought that I'd been slipping into a depression recently anyway, with this situation only making it worse, but the past couple nights I've experienced something that has me questioning this. Something that's always kind of been a staple of my manic states is a ton of psychomotor agitation (mostly pacing) and empassionately ranting, usually late at night, getting so into a topic that I get entirely off topic. And last night I did that a total of twice. -So my younger sister is a junior in high school and she's taking honors history. I'm excellent at history and offered to help her with these projects she has due in the future. I was talking to her about what the next one was about and she mentions casually that she has one about the Cuban Missile Crisis (my favorite event of the Cold War because of how purely fascinating it was to me). I get super excited and am basically bouncing on my heels and talking about it turns into an empassioned rant about how you have to read history as a story, look at the figures like characters, explore their motivations, then I started ranting about using the American Civil War as an example and it somehow turned into discussing My Immortal (that Harry Potter fan fiction that's so bad its legendary). -Later that night, after we read My Immortal aloud for like an hour, I got into this long rant about how to not make your characters shitty Mary Sues and how Rey from the new Star Wars trilogy isn't one, despite the opinion of many a fanboy. I also went into how none of the trilogy protagonists really are actually, but how fantastic Carrie Fisher is and that's all that matters. That then fed into me explaining how, despite how unrealistic the plot of Mean Girls was, I thought Regina George was actually a really good villain and how she was actually really intelligent. We then watched Mean Girls until like 1 AM. I don't know if this is starting to kick up into stress-triggered mania for me either because I've been perfectly well rested on 5.5 or so hours of sleep last night and 6.5 hours of broken sleep the night before. Both nights I see myself feasibly able to have stayed up without affecting that much as well, and I've gotten quite a bit of drawing and writing done the past two days. I have a tdoc appointment on Friday and I get my meds from a regular doctor, who I should be seeing this week after I get my blood work in today. Should I be worried, mention this to them both? Should I keep an eye out?
  9. I'm so bluh. I don't feel like anything is helping and I don't know if it's problems with my interpersonal relationships recently or it's the fact that I'm falling into the expected depression or if I need my meds upped or what. But I've been really tempted to trigger mania with caffeine and lack of sleep recently, or trying to get ADs off my doctor to do it. I know I shouldn't but I'm just. Tempted.
  10. I've been on it for about two months or so now, and I can't say it's started working entirely. Granted, there was a two week stretch when I went off meds. However, since getting on depakote the following has happened: I stayed pretty manic for like a month, though it was kind of a steady downward grade at least I was day-by-day rapid cycling for about a week before more or less stabilizing for like five days, followed by rapid cycling for another five days After that, I crashed into a depressive episode that I've been in for about three weeks now I was actually back on my meds for most of this as well. And it's also of note that this leveling out and crashing is pretty normal for my yearly pattern, of which I have a pretty decent idea. I'm glad it's making things a little easier for you though! Also note that it was aggravating some psychotic symptoms for a bit.
  11. I'm relatively new to the diagnosed bipolar train (I was diagnosed in like early December?) so I may not have a ton of room to speak about this, but from what I've seen said on here it's pretty normal that your meds may need a tweak here and there.
  12. It's not required to not sleep while manic, though from what I've seen it's definitely one of the more common ones and therefore I can definitely see why you're confused. And honestly, if it wasn't part of your past manic episodes then it's possible that lack of sleep just isn't one of your symptoms. I know for me, sleep is a huge thing. I can go on 3-5 hours a night when hypo and 0-4 hours a night when manic and be absolutely fine. But that's just me. I also have sleep disruption when depressed, but I can go 10-13 hours if I have the time once I get going. It's more trouble falling asleep and not really staying asleep then.
  13. Yeah, this is what I've always seen on this topic as well ^
  14. I use moodtracker.com, but from how you describe it probably wouldn't work for you? I'm actually pretty self aware when it comes to moods according to my tdoc so it works pretty fine. One thought for you, though, is to take a pain scale with descriptors for each numerical value and reword the descriptors with tangible ideas about mood. Like, for example. We can in theory use this scale I found off google. And we can make 8 euthymia, with 1 being horrible depression and 15 being off the walls, psychotic mania. We could say a 6 is "feeling bluh, yawning more than usual, not wanting to do certain fun activities". 4 is "stays in bed until obligations come around, misses meals and isn't showering". 2 is "has missed three days of work, can barely move, is actively crying at the slightest moves, heavily suicidal". Then say, 10 can be "hyper and bubbly, throwing caution to the wind but highly productive". 12 can be "'did you just spend $1500 on band equipment?' 'yes' 'you dont play an instrument' 'yeah but i'm gonna and we'll be the next beatles'". And 14 is "I am a messenger from God sent to rid the world of all evil". And of course, you'd want to tailor those descriptors personally to you, but that would be a good tool for journaling I think.
  15. Yeah, no. Like it might feel nice in the moment and it might feel preferable to depression and like a "safe" version of mania but it's so not worth the risk.