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About jacques

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  • Birthday 11/01/95

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  1. The depression usually creeps up on me, and I can hardly tell that it's coming on. For hypo/mania, it's become easier for me to recognize the symptoms. This, I think, is in part because hypo/mania usually just flips a switch on and has me going and in part because my baseline is kind of vaguely dysthymic.
  2. If you mean kinks, I've definitely had times that I was "into" stuff that I wouldn't ordinarily be into fantasizing about or doing. I've also had things I would otherwise only fantasize about become a reality during an episode.
  3. This might sound stupid, but you said you were clean for months before? Well that's an accomplishment. You're definitely not a failure if you fought it for months! Hell, you should be proud of yourself. And as far as not seeing yourself living very long, I've known a lot of people who say that. I was (and honestly am...) one of them. I didn't think I was gonna make it into college. I wanted to kill myself after graduating high school, but I didn't. Now I'm 21 with a lot more life experience and in ways, I'm doing a lot better. I'm still struggling with seeing the future, but it's there. And I don't know if this'll help you, but whenever I'm struggling to find the point in living, I say it's to prove the depression wrong. I don't want to be a statistic and I want to maybe make things easier for other people like me in the future, whether it be writing relatable characters with MIs, becoming a well-known writer/journalist with bipolar in the future, or what. Point is, I've got faith in you and so many other people have faith in you. You can feel free to PM me if you ever need someone to talk to and I can do my best to try and help.
  4. The soonest appointment I could get is the 31st. And it's really been mostly since I woke up today that I'm recognizing them as weird. Sleep definitely helped me bring my mood down some, but there's still a weird foggy quality and I think I feel a hand on my arm? I'm also parsing a lot of yesterday based on text conversations I had and embarrassing impulsive posts I made online.
  5. I'm so sorry that you're in that sort of a hole. I've never done ECT but I've heard quite a few success stories and I hope it can help you.
  6. I've been experiencing a mood flare up within the past three or four days, with things taking a very serious upswing yesterday. I mostly realized that my mood was up two or three nights ago, and things began seriously escalating on Sunday night. I had recently found an old income tax check and deposited it into my bank account as one does, only to spend it all on amazon on things like fingerless gloves and zumba tops (I have never done zumba in my life) on Sunday night. This was followed by me ending up (regrettably) crushing and snorting an oxy pill. This is only the second time I've ever done that and I'm by no means an addict, nor do I really have any sort of tolerance to it. I don't know whether this may have affected what I experienced because 1. I was already starting to experience some psychotic symptoms before I took the drug and 2. I'm not sure if oxycodone highs cause psychosis or not. I definitely remember them escalating a bit though. I stayed up all night that night, no need for sleep at all, and was highly engaged in playing whatever video game I was playing at the time and I went to school mostly like normal. I remember mostly hearing things, but I do remember seeing faces outside my second story window and hearing whispers. The whispers are most of what continued throughout the day, and I was stumbling around a lot on my campus and nearly got run over crossing the street more times than I can remember. Everything was really fuzzy and dreamlike, everything was funny, and I caught myself talking to myself a few times. I remember a couple times I felt like there were hands on my shoulders, and like someone's fingers were tapping against my upper arms. I was just completely out of my head, felt extremely energetic, and ended up investing money in new video games. I did get a lot done outlining my novel though (but I haven't reread it and I'm frankly afraid to). I ended up taking a trazodone to try and calm myself down because a friend I was talking to yesterday told me to and got a good 6.5-7 hours of sleep last night. I still feel pretty fuzzy and jittery though, and I'm extremely restless but I'm not so much hearing whispers anymore and I definitely don't think I'm psychic anymore (yesterday was a fucking ride). And I don't know if this is considered a psychotic episode or not, or what this is really? I definitely feel elevated, but it feels more mixed than manic. Thoughts? I have very little experience with psychosis, aha
  7. As someone who's been dealing with these problems recently, I'm curious. What are your experiences with how your LGBT identity intersects with your mental health? How'd you figure things out? Are you confident in your identity? I know I've thought I was asexual because of a depressive episode before, thought I was a gay trans man for awhile (over a year and a half) because of a lot of confusing hoops, and I recently wound up going from gay trans man to nonbinary lesbian. OCD and mania are probably somewhat to blame in all this mess. But yeah, what are your experiences?
  8. Oh yeah, and sometimes it's when I'm not even feeling bad. Like I could feel for the most part fine and then all the sudden I'm just kind of gazing off into the distance thinking about cutting myself. You're definitely not alone.
  9. It varies for me. It's not uncommon for it to creep up, but I have a hard time remembering those times because of how subtle the creeping up is. I've had a switch flip in the middle of a conversation though, and I turned a conversation about the weather into an empassioned rant about this or that piece of history or fiction.
  10. I've personally read that it's very hard to get any personality disorder diagnosis under age 18, and that as a general rule if someone is willing to diagnose you underage then you have to have been showing the symptoms significantly and consistently for at least a year or longer.
  11. When I've been self aware enough to realize that I was hypomanic, it's always been because I was feeling way better than I should have been at that point. For awhile now, what I consider my baseline and main mood is kind of in the realm of dysthymia and bad things usually hit me really hard. However, if I were hypomanic then I would be full of energy and creativity after a fight with a friend instead of crying myself to sleep like I usually would. Things that should bother me just don't. You feel more charismatic, you're getting all these ideas and you're excited about them, things seem to be coming together even when you made a huge fuck up and you know they aren't. You're often a lot more productive but also more prone to bad choices or reckless spending. For example, I tend to steal money when I'm hypomanic. But the key thing with hypomania is that you can still function. It's just that you're an elevated version of yourself, so you'd need to figure out what your baseline is and kind of go from there.
  12. So, these past few weeks my symptoms have been taking some, really interesting twists and turns. So, in early February I stopped talking to a very close friend of mine. I crashed badly the weekend after but I bounced back surprisingly quickly, as I hadn't realized how stifled they had me and I've been taking it surprisingly well from what I can tell. This is just included because it's relevant to some of what's going on here. These past few weeks, I've had times that have the feeling and many symptoms of depressive episodes, though they only last anywhere from a few hours to a weekend-long weekend (3-4 days). I'd say otherwise that my activity level was pretty normal? However, these periods include thoughts of suicide and self harm, extreme sleepiness and tiredness, hypersomnia, being extremely sedentary and unengaged, being bored of basically everything, no energy to eat or shower, etc. Most of the time I'm not massively hyper (which is a big manic thing for me), though I've certainly had my moments. Psychomotor agitation is definitely present, but I've always been one to pace, fidget, tap my fingers. I'm sure there's more on that list. I've also been getting very bothered by not having enough stimulation present (ex. having a YouTube video playing while I do homework while I fidget with a stress ball with my left hand), which is somethknf that keeps my paranoia down when my mood is up even if it impedes productivity. I've pulled my dad into random debates over minor details (ex. I said to my dad that a guy we saw in the park riding a bike while talking on his phone could be considered brave and he disagreed, so I googled the definition and it turned into a discussion). I've also stolen over $120 within the past two weeks, spending it on video games. I've been trying to learn python (the coding language). And I've been really involved in starting to write a mystery novel (as well as actually having a solid idea on what's going to happen; I'm designing the cast now). I've been having more vivid than usual dreams, a lot of them involving this ex-friend, and this has caused a lot of paranoia about my ex-friends saying horrible things about me. This has been lessening, but I've been having some minor instances of seeing and hearing things, and one very persistent delusion, which I'll explain. Basically, I sleep on the couch at my home during weekdays because I'm very hard to wake up and have difficulty with alarms. This has helped me and my father with stress levels. But, our living room has a large window about 2/3 the height of the wall with sheer curtains you can easily see through. The window looks onto the front porch, and said window is easily visible from the street. And I'm fully convinced that, despite never having seen this person and the fact that my dad would probably run anyone he caught doing this through with his machete, there is someone who just sits outside and watches me sleep every night and is waiting for the right time to break in and take me. The seeing things is mostly shadow people out of the corner of my eye. And the tricky thing about these symptoms is I'm not sure what their relationship to my moods exactly is? They always surface at night, especially the delusion. But as the more noticeable mood symptoms become less pronounced, it seems to lose power so it's probably mood related. I've been consistently in this calm, fidgety, and productive state since about the 27th-28th, I'd say? My mood is a little up but within the "baseline" cap. I feel good aside from the paranoia and the delusional thinking that sinks in when the sun goes down. I still can't sleep- I never seem to be able to- and trazodone seems to fuck with my already low blood pressure enough to not feel safe using it. I usually don't need the extra mini-nap on the bus despite getting 3-5 hours of sleep on average. However, on 'down' days I've fallen asleep in the library instead of going to class and woken up in time to catch the bus home. The main thing that makes me doubt it's an elevated mood is that my amount of sleep hasn't really changed from before losing my friend, so I'm feeling a little less tired from the same amount of sleep (which could easily be because I often woke up halfway through sleep afraid I hadn't told them goodnight and now they hated me or something, among other things). That, and the fact that I've actually been a bit more sedentary than usual. It seems like all I've done these past couple weeks is play the sims since starting a new world to play with characters from the story I'm working on. I've got something like eighteen of twenty five people who are all somehow involved across nine different households made in there now, and I don't plan on making the others until the entirety of that cast ages into teenagers. The Sims and drawing seem to be the only things I can focus on most days. I've talked to my tdoc about this, and she doesn't seem horribly worried about the depressive periods because they aren't lasting long. She said to me that my mood lability and shifts are taking on a very cyclothymic-seeming pattern right now the way my rapid cycling is going, rather than the consistent mania that was seen back in December. As I'm still figuring out the whole moods thing, I'd like to know if this is kind of a baseline or if it's possible I'm entering/in a hypomanic state or something? I'm not asking for a diagnosis, just an opinion or relatint with your own experience! Has anyone's tdoc or pdoc ever described their rapid cycling as cyclothymic? What was your pattern like? Can cyclothymia be diagnosed on top of BP1 or BP2?
  13. I've never actually been physically violent, but I've certainly had thoughts about harming people when mixed. Verbally is another thing entirely. I can get absolutely vicious and pick fights over minor things and say really awful shit. I've never actually hit someone when in a manic rage though.
  14. Not those meds in particular and I don't have a lot of meds experience at all (I've had mood disorder symptoms since 11 or 12 and was diagnosed BP1 at 21, about two and a half months ago), but I get your frustration entirely. I'm on a pretty low dose of depakote due to being a small person/my blood tests saying that my levels are therapeutic but too close to toxic to risk an increase, so I was prescribed trazodone to help me sleep. I tried it last night and it still took multiple hours for me to fall asleep, and while I get that it can take awhile to work I'm a little frustrated that it worked so quickly so fast for other people (according to a thread I made that people replied to as well as me researching the med). But I'm sure you'll get through this after trying some different combinations, hopefully.
  15. I was just prescribed trazodone today to help with sleep, which my prescribing doc is hoping will level out my mood (I'm swinging up right now and might be hypomanic? Not 100% sure but my tdoc said I was having definite hypo/manic symptoms today). I've got a few questions about the medication. If you've had it as a sleep aid, how did trazodone work for you? How long did you have to take it before it kicked in? I've never been on an antidepressant before, but I know there's always a risk of them sending a bipolar person into mania. Did trazodone ever send you into mania, or worsen any manic symptoms? I'm mostly concerned because my mood stabilizer doesn't seem to be doing much. Did it ever help with any OCD symptoms for you, if applicable? It wasn't prescribed for that and I'm not expecting it, but it'd be a nice little bonus if I did happen so I'd like to know your experiences. What were the prominent side effects for you?