jacques

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About jacques

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  • Birthday 11/01/95

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    trans male
  1. I've slept every other night this week and it's 6:30 AM and from how I feel I might skip out on sleep again. I don't feel wired like I did yesterday (yet) but I'm so wide awake it's obnoxious. And I hope I don't spike up again. I don't like this ultra rapid cycling thing, it fucks with my anxiety.
  2. I meant I was depressed for a month before I went into a two month manic episode, which I'm coming down from. It was phrased really weirdly, I'm sorry. And my moods don't usually cycle like that is the weird thing? I've had states that are shorter than the four days or seven days or two weeks though, for sure. It was just a bizarre experience for me, and I wasn't sure if it counted as its own cycle or what. But thank you! I have to wait a couple weeks because I see the doctor at my college for this but I'll definitely talk to her about it and see what we can do. EDIT: I've been using moodtracker.com and this is what I've looked like since October
  3. This might be a weird question, but I believe I'm beginning to stabilize thanks to my meds. I'm on depakote and my moods have become more stable and less erratic and elevated since I actually began taking them regularly (around the new year? couple days before). Before that, I was doing awfully. I skipped almost two weeks because I was afraid of crashing into depression (my doctor said there was a risk of this happening), staying up for extended hours and living in a weird haze of binge watching and lack of functioning. Anyway, the other day was the first time since before November 19 that I felt my mood wasn't elevated at all (this state was preceded by a depressive episode about a month long). This caught me by surprise. However, late at night (I was about to go to bed) something hit me and I felt flooded with energy again and didn't sleep. I began to go at drawing and coloring, I marathoned about 2.5 seasons of a show on netflix from about 3 AM to 11:30 AM, and I even went on a forty minute walk after cleaning my room. This day was also peppered by risky behaviors. These included impulsive self harming again because I wanted to see/play with the blood and also cause I felt kinda numb; babbling to a figure of mine (I'm a certified nerd) that I was sorry after knocking it over, asking it to forgive me, and even kissing its head before putting it back; I thought there was a demon watching me pee from the bathroom wall; I walked on the train tracks during my walk, knowing they were actively in use and even running for the one that passed when I was too far away from the tracks when I was walking down toward them; went to buy snacks and I bought caffeine pills, candy, and soda (I only had like $15 on me). I also did some oxy later that night. I also actually slept last night (after dancing until my legs felt too sore to move), so there's that. So it sounds like the mania is back, right, and the other day was a fluke or something? But today, I'm back to what I feel like is a relatively baseline mood. I'm still irritable but I'm a lot less reckless and I feel in control of myself more so. My question is, is it normal when your episode is ending to have a day where it like, spikes up again all the sudden but briefly? Or would this be my medication working against the mania? My sleep cycle has been mostly normal for me this week aside from the fact that I slept every other night this week thus far (did Sunday, didn't Monday night, did Tuesday, didn't Wednesday, did Thursday, Friday is still TBD). And is it normal for some psychotic features to mostly materialize in such a short space of time? (though they've made themselves known sparsely through this episode) Also, small question relating to mania. I've noticed that when I'm manic, I have a worse grasp of what time it is. For example, if I feel normal and someone asks me what time it is and it's a normal day, I can usually guess within the hour if I've looked at the clock within the past two hours. But if I'm manic, I could have checked the time ten minutes ago and I'll be thinking two hours have passed. I thought it was 7 PM when it was 4 PM yesterday. Does anyone else get this?
  4. I live in the northeast near the Appalachians, so I'm used to a lot of different kinds of weather. It's also got a tendency to throw us huge curveballs (our high today was 65 F and two degrees away from breaking a record high for the day and tomorrow the high is 36 F). It makes me feel like I'm prepared for anything and weather for the most part rolls off my back. It barely manages to affect me. The only ways it really seems to are when I'm manic (if the sun's out, I usually have some euphoria but if it's shitty I usually get irritable). Otherwise, I've had both manic and depressive symptoms at some point in every season. Though they're not always in the same year. Like last spring I didn't have any manic symptoms at all, and the summer before that I don't remember any depressive symptoms. But I remember instances from each season, if that makes sense.
  5. More to add. I ended up going for a walk, only to lick rock salt off the ground on impulse and walk on train tracks just for fun, partially cause "dodging trains is fun". I also ended up barking at some strange dogs in a yard for like five minutes and, after knocking over one of my pop figures, sat there consoling it and hugging it to its 'satisfaction' before putting it back.
  6. I know that when my moods are high I end up feeling a lot more antsy and irritable and overall mood disturbed on days with little sun? And when I'm 'high' and it's sunny out, I'll get the more euphoric side of things. Depression doesn't seem as affected by the weather (I have mania that lasts partially through winter and depression that picks up where the mania leaves off).
  7. So, if anyone in here is familiar with my postings, they'd know I'm both newly diagnosed (stuck with the label of bipolar i about a month ago, though I've been showing symptoms as early as 12-13, am now 21), and therefore new to being medicated. My moods fluctuate quite a bit and I'm still trying to nail down a pattern for my cycles (thus far I've mostly gotten that I get manic around the holidays and depressed a little before Valentine's Day usually, but I know there's more), but it's possible that I'm rapid cycling. Anyway, thinking through all this I've come to the conclusion that I'm not really sure what euthymia or a stable mood feels like. I know mania, mixed, and depression very well because they've left, well, quite an impression. My question here is, what does euthymia / stability / baseline feel for you? Cause I think I'm starting to drift toward there but I'm not sure. All feedback is appreciated!
  8. Sun - Scorpio Moon - Aries Ascending - Aries I'm an emotional wreck who snaps at the drop of a hat. Sounds about right.
  9. I did some digging around to see if there was a thread like this, but the most recent one I could find was last posted in circa 2009. Anyway, my stories probably aren't as wild as some but I've got some instances to share. I stole some of my parents' fireworks when I was 15 and tried to use them to set a fire in an empty parking lot with my friends. It didn't work out too well. Walked along train tracks when I knew they were active. Went to second base (second base as in hand stuff) in the grass just off a busy highway in the park. Went to third base outside behind a store. Spent hours naked with my then-boyfriend in a changing room in the mall. On a weekly basis. Did a strip tease and engaged in light bondage on my parents' bed. Broke into an abandoned house while walking across the county just because I could. Spent every cent I made during my first ever job in one week. Told someone in my high school I knew how to build bombs and threatened them during a rage because they were "bringing me down". Dyed my hair pink in the bath tub then cut half of it off. Got mad at my mom for making me take the garbage out so I refused to put on shoes or a coat and walked out into the snow in bare feet and short sleeves. Ate an entire pizza on multiple occasions because "I was just hungry", sometimes purging after and sometimes not. Thought that I was going to lead a socialist revolution and started collecting glass bottles and Marx and related authors' literature for that reason. Began trying to convert my bedroom into a fallout shelter because I thought World War III was coming and the Russians were going to nuke us. Decided I was going to teach myself six different languages including Russian, Korean, and Latin; three different martial arts; and four different instruments. Never did. Decided to smoke weed to celebrate getting a new job, nearly forgetting there was a possibility that I could get drug tested. Spent over $100 on video games within two days and went on 10+ hour binges. Popped caffeine pills for a week instead of my mood stabilizers. Impulsively did my makeup, put on one of my wigs I got for cosplay, dressed up, and had myself a photo shoot. And I looked cute. Covered my arms in lipstick for no discernible reason. Bought herbal supplements cause I thought they'd "cure my depression". My younger sister asked me for help on an essay she had to do for history (I write really good essays and I've always been really good at history) on the New Deal, and I ended up in a half hour long, mania-fueled rant about how the Treaty of Versailles was bullshit and if we hadn't blamed the entirety of World War I on the Germans, Hitler never would have risen to power like he did because hard times breed extremism. Then I started ranting about how it was a tragedy that Huey Long was killed before he could run for president and also about how much I hated Calvin Coolidge. A few minutes later, I had told her to turn on the High School Musical 2 soundtrack and I was dancing around her room to Bet On It. This was at like 11:30 at night, which isn't late for me but that's about an hour and a half after she usually goes to bed. Oh, and the only reason I ended up in her room was because I was downstairs looking to get myself a fudge pop and I got distracted from it when I saw her light was on. Marathoned a TV show for 20 hours, starting at around 11 PM after getting home from the mall where I had been hanging out all evening. Meant to go to bed, but ended up laying there obsessively reading wikipedia articles for three hours because reasons. I had reasons at the time but hell if I remember what they were. I spent like a week as a Wiccan and witch before getting bored (otherwise I've identified as an atheist for almost ten years now). I also genuinely thought I had magic powers for a bit there. Cut a heart into my thigh with my razor cause it 'looked cute'. Stole some of my sister's old oxycodone prescription, crushed, and snorted it to try and calm down my mind because I was thinking and feeling EVERYTHING at once. Feel free to share! I like the idea of threads like these cause it gives the opportunity to share experiences and feel less alone.
  10. This is actually something I've been thinking about recently. I have this one aunt who's still in my life. She's in her fifties, twice divorced (once to a man older than her mother), and she has two kids (one from each marriage) and four grandkids. She got into a lot of fights in high school (her own stories she's told me), and after decades of working at a post office she ended up impulsively deciding to go to college. Not only that, but she attended one of the most expensive schools our city. She did graduate and end up running her own daycare center for eight years, but that came to an abrupt end when she "half-retired" and decided she wanted to make her money by selling jewelry on etsy and at craft shows. She's always been that "goofy" aunt too and some of her behaviors (like a lot of inappropriate giggling preceded by really nonsensical statements, talking to inanimate objects and sometimes things that weren't really there) also made me wonder if she suffered from psychotic symptoms too. And now that I'm thinking about her, I'm also wondering to myself if her daughter (my cousin) is also bipolar. Her life has been marked by some substance issues, her daughters are from multiple fathers, I remember my parents saying that she left a guy that was really good for her out of the blue (I don't remember this well; this was a long time ago and this cousin is 16+ years older than me). She's left a couple really good jobs for seemingly no reason, has a history of reckless spending. She's also currently married to a former ex-con (he was an ex-con when they met; he got locked up again last year) and I've known her to have some pretty bad mood swings (I babysat her daughters for pocket money when I was younger).
  11. As far as I know, you don't need to like not sleep for days to be manic? I've stayed up for 36+ hours before while manic, but I usually don't. The diagnostic criteria lists a reduced need for sleep. So say during your normal baseline mood (euthymic, dysthymic, whatever it may be), you get a solid nine hours of sleep per night on your average night. If you go into a manic episode, only getting four or five hours of sleep still fulfills that requirement. Another thing, from my interpretation (as well as me actually experiencing this), that could be valid is like. Okay, I get 2-4 hours a night in bed during my school semesters. I commute to my college via about a fifteen minute drive by car (I get dropped off because I can't drive) and a half hour bus ride. I usually sleep for about half an hour out of that when I'm in a 'normal' or depressed mood. I'll also usually sit in the library and fall asleep at a desk if I don't have class as soon as I arrive on campus. However, when I was manic back in November I had no need to take these extra naps, as well as no desire whatsoever. I actually felt more awake at these points than I ever did after those extra naps too. I'd rather surf the internet and try and read three news articles at once while I sat there drawing than nap. Then get distracted in what I'm doing and miss class anyway (I missed a lot cause of my naps), but that's beside the point. But I hope that makes sense? That's how I've seen the manic relationship with sleep explained elsewhere (well, the top paragraph is; the second is how it applies to me). Addition: I almost never feel tired when I'm manic either, but my anxiety and OCD act up to high hell because my brain is going fast. So I try to force myself to sleep (usually takes like an hour or more of laying down to get to sleep when manic) because I'm paranoid about passing out in the middle of the day or something. And the fact that my day is almost one big ritual, so my OCD sirens blare when I fuck that up.
  12. Something similar actually happened to me with my meds? Except kinda reverse. I started meds this week during a manic period, took them for a few days and was like, uncomfortably stable. Then I forgot a couple doses and all the sudden last night I SPRUNG up again and it was definitely something. And I'm still kinda in that state? So I think it may have been related to the meds and forgetting a few doses?
  13. Both you and @Closure get me. If I don't have classes, I can take my meds anywhere between 1-3 PM and since I don't ever know for sure when I'm going to sleep (bad, I know), I usually take my night meds anywhere from 10 PM-2AM. It's kind of a disaster, and I've been on them like a week! I've already missed two days.
  14. So I forgot about my meds until the early evening yesterday (I'm on morning and night doses), and I haven't taken them since Sunday night now. I keep telling myself I'll start again in the morning (I blame OCD; I'll cry if it isn't an even number) but I don't know if I trust myself to.
  15. @Poem True aha. If I didn't first proceed to impulsively binge eat it all (this is why my dad won't get me bulk candy for holidays anymore )