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About jacques

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  • Birthday 11/01/95

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  1. Seasonal hypo/mania?

    I personally have a history of hypo/mania that starts around Thanksgiving and typically lasts at least through the Christmas season and sometimes even up through Valentine’s Day, followed by a depressive episode. So this definitely applies to me.
  2. I can't really say I personally relate to your story because I was always more of an irritable temperament (still kind of am, even on meds) before I started getting treatment, but I think I have heard of this. There's a couple different dispositions that are commonly seen in people with mood disorders, and one of them is something called a hyperthymic temperament. It's kind of when a person is naturally exuberant and efficient and has a lot of energy, but it lasts too long to be hypo/mania and it doesn't go quite as extreme (like needing very little sleep or developing psychosis). It's possible that you're naturally hyperthymic and your medication is changing your temperament. I'm not too familiar with this concept, so other users feel free to correct any misinformation I may have given.
  3. So I recently went to see a pdoc to get my prescription renewed, and I mentioned anxiety being a big part of my life. He was understandably hesitant to give me an antidepressant for anxiety, and instead said he'd increase my depakote to see if it'd help. Does anyone have any experience with a pdoc doing this? Did it help? Does depakote have some anti-anxiety properties?
  4. Nope! I live in the United States; I'm just backwards as can be.
  5. My love life has been a disaster all on its own, BP or no, so I'm gonna say right now that my relationships with non-mentally ill people and with mentally ill people have both crashed and burned. My first boyfriend broke up with me during a depressive episode, likely partially because of that episode so that made me feel great. I was also seventeen. My second boyfriend, and this one I wouldn't be surprised to hear it if he ended up diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety, was admittedly a rebound and I realized that two years into the relationship. He was a lot more sensitive to my mental health (I knew there was something wrong with me at the time but had no idea what) so it worked better in that way at least. But he also was my access to self medicating with marijuana so there's that. And then my last ex was easily the worst, even though he was easily the most self aware about any mental illness he may have had (and confided in me that it was pretty damn bad). He didn't have bipolar, but he had depression and BPD. And while I had an easy time being empathetic to his struggles, he didn't seem interested in doing so for me which sucked bigtime. But to answer your question, I do think that a lot of the reason we had so much chemistry is because we're both pretty mentally ill. Like a lot of what we talked about, I at least felt really heavily how nice it was to talk to someone who got it. I have no doubts that he felt that too; I don't think we would have lasted as long as we did if he didn't. And just to head off any questions, I doubt he was bipolar spectrum. And if he was, I'd probably say he was likely bipolar 2 with mostly mixed hypomanic episodes. But still, I have heavy doubts.
  6. Anxious Distress, Mixed Features (I just came out of a brutal mixed episode so this especially), Rapid Cycling, Psychotic Features, Atypical Features, Seasonal Pattern (I don't have a perfect seasonal pattern but I always get manic around Thanksgiving and stay up during the holidays, then get depressed in July).
  7. I'm just gonna start off with a disclaimer saying that I have no intention of inducing mania. I actually wanted to hear whether anyone else had ever tried it, why, and what the results were. Last time I tried to bring about an elevated mood, I went off my meds and not long after dove into a mixed episode that included hallucinations, persecutory delusions, substance abuse, and self harm. So safe to say, not happening again.
  8. Honestly you have no obligation to talk about your mental illness with anyone. I personally don't talk about my mental health issues to family; it's none of their business and I don't need to explain myself to them. Only my parents really know what's up, and frankly that's just because I'm still on their insurance. Whether you adopt that policy or not, best of luck with the family gathering. I know those can be rough.
  9. Okay, long story short. I'm a student and all of my mental health access has come through my college. They have a specific pdoc they had sent me to because that network had a deal with the school (it also worked with my insurance so yay). But the thing is, it's over an hour away from home and I don't drive. I don't have a car or my license and I've got a debilitating fear of driving. So naturally, I need something closer. This might be a dumb question (and I'm not even sure if I put it in the right place), but how do you go about getting a new pdoc? I'm 21 and have the faintest idea of how to adult but this is a little deep for me. Any help is appreciated.
  10. What are your obsessions?

    Leaving the stove on, the door unlocked, losing my phone, that there is a man standing on the porch watching me sleep when I sleep on the couch, that I'm going to be late for whatever (so I always arrive like ten minutes early), that my cats are gonna get outside and get run over, that I'm not going to finish my duties at work (so I get them done early), that I'm gonna miss my second bus and be stuck an hour away from home for an extra three hours and, on some days, miss work. Things like that are the more typical ones. I also hate-obsess over certain words, really stupid things. Like I snap at my mom when she calls t-shirts "tees" or tank tops "tanks" or if she says "hot cocoa". Like I was gritting my teeth just typing that out, it's that bad. I'll also count to certain numbers, very often three or a multiple of five, over and over again. I used to obsess really bad about the possibility that I had said something to piss a friend off if they didn't reply right away, and I still have this one to an extent. Though I no longer have a friend with a chronic short fuse that yells at me for minor slights, so that also helps. I also have sexually violent intrusive thoughts about a creepy teacher that I had in 6th grade, which was about ten years ago. Though I haven't had those in quite awhile, thank goodness. One other thing is I obsess over every aspect of my identity, it seems. Like my labels from personality quizzes, my political beliefs, zodiac signs, gender and sexuality, even mental illnesses, etc. Like if you knew me outside of these boards you'd know I'm an INTJ true neutral melancholic Slytherin, Scorpio sun Aries moon Aries rising, who plays Elder Scrolls games as a Breton, sided with the Imperial Legion in the Skyrim civil war, is Team Iron Man as far as the Avengers civil war goes, and mains Reinhardt in Overwatch. Plus more. It's plastered all over my tumblr.
  11. Small update to this situation. Something I've noticed about this particular bit of paranoia/fear/idk what exactly is that I only believe I'm actively in danger when I'm walking through that particular location and on campus. Like I'm at home right now and it can't find me whatever it is so I'm fine and not afraid. And I even calm down a bit once I'm on the library's third floor, where I often sit to do school work when I'm on campus and not in class, because I hide myself behind the shelves at one of the desks sitting out and I kind of calm down once I'm there for awhile and nothing happens to me. Because if it doesn't find me within an hour or so, it's not going to have another chance until I go back down. That's what I've worked out about whatever this is anyway?
  12. Oh, I can add smoking weed and driving through the park at midnight to look for bigfoot and blowing my first paycheck at my new job on bubble bath and underwear to my list. And online shopping for sex toys at work
  13. You put something into words that I've struggled explaining for years. You're definitely not alone here.
  14. Content Warning: Paranoia, mentions of rape and sexual assault Is there a minimum length for a delusion? I'm bipolar and in something I think is a mixed state right now, if that affects things. But this morning I was arriving on campus at my school (I'm a commuter student to a state college) and there are these big bushes between the sidewalk and the library entrance. So I went to go up to the library to work on my homework, and I had to walk behind the bushes. And the campus is empty because classes are currently going on and the 9:30 classes weren't due to end for another 45 minutes, and I swear I hear someone walking up behind me. Footsteps clear as day, like someone is trying to tiptoe and be quiet. I look behind me and nothing was there, but if someone was there they could have hopped to the other side of the bush. So I start panicking and becoming paranoid that someone is going to jump me and rape me in these bushes right in front of the library so I start running to the library doors, rush for the elevator, and go up to the third floor where I can plug my laptop in to work. I'm panting and spend about an hour once I sit down paranoid that someone is gonna tap me on the shoulder and drag me to the janitor's closet but I'm starting to come down from it and think that I was being ridiculous now. Is it normal or possible for delusions to end that quickly? Any thoughts? I have a very limited experience with psychosis, so I'm not sure what's common or possible. And any thoughts are appreciated. Thank you.
  15. I'm going to precede this by saying that this may partially be because I forgot about a lot of the depressive episodes that I had, as I tend to forget how something feels and sometimes entirely about it once it's over because what's life without self doubt. But this is something I've been curious about and I've been wanting to start a thread asking about others' experiences and if they're similar to mine. So I'm diagnosed with bipolar 1 and something I noticed is that I don't feel I go into major depression all that often. I can recall one especially bad depressive episode, something that was triggered directly by the grief of losing my grandmother when I was 19, but other than that I don't feel as if I've experienced major depressive episodes much. I've definitely experienced depression, but it's mostly felt like a dysthymic level of it. I'm still able to function okay. I don't often have the energy to do schoolwork and I feel as if I need more sleep than usual, as well as forgetting to eat, but I usually remember to shower every day and can usually move around and get myself dressed and go out to do things. I just feel extremely bluh, not particularly low at all. And when I do feel especially low, I feel my behavior and symptoms more closely resemble mixed episodes. I often have these rapid fire thoughts, my mind feels like it's going too fast for my body, I can't fall asleep because I'm so restless and awake even though I want more than anything to sleep, I'm prone to impulsive decisions, and have some mild grandiosity (though during my mixed episodes, I'm somehow the best and worst person ever). Most of my suicidality has been confined to my mixed episodes as well, with the only ones during dysthymic-type/more purely depressive times (excluding the depressive episode after losing my grandmother) have been fleeting, "the world would be better off without me" thoughts that don't usually involve self harm or desire to self harm. On the other hand, I've been told by my pdoc that I've definitely reached full mania, as I've had some experience with psychosis in mania, so that's where my type 1 diagnosis comes from. Does anyone have experiences like this, or know anyone whose bipolar (especially type 1) experience isn't tied heavily to major depressive episodes? I've just seen so many people talk about their really deep depressive episodes on here and I kind of feel really alone for not so much experiencing those.