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About Blahblah

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  1. God Do I Need Help

    @looking for answers How are you feeling today? Any better or the same? What is the plan for your meds as far as dosage, how many you will try/be on? Do you think that the dx of Bipolar is correct or do you feel it is mixed anxiety & depression?
  2. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    I'm feeling pretty knocked down today too...the same, mourning the past and who I used to be, what I was able to enjoy and achieve before i was consumed by this illness.
  3. Grieving a loss of self

    This ^^^ I often feel the exact same way - you've described it perfectly. Yet I still hang on to a grain of hope...sometimes the sadness is not so apparent, it fades in & out. I wish you peace @lifequake keep hanging on and hopefully these feelings will start to diminish over time when you go through the process. I don't know how to move towards acceptance any quicker unfortunately.
  4. I was very sensitive and anxious as a child, with a lot of social anxiety. In High School the depression took the lead and now that's my main diagnosis. I've had a few episodes of bad (situational) anxious distress the last decade, but it has mainly gone away (thank god). For me, the severe anxiety/distress was way more debilitating than my chronic depression. What do you guys think? What is worse for you?
  5. @browri What were your main symptoms of AD rapid cycling? Just curious, hypomania/mixed cycling is so different for everyone, it doesn't always look like typical mania. I've had episodes of rapidly cycling moods, but it always presents as dysphoria + anxiety at the same time which I don't think is the same thing as Bipolar cycling.
  6. Thanks @browri I'll go up to 150mg before deciding. It's nice to have a break from the ruminating negative thoughts, Effexor has immediately obliterated my feelings, sad dysphoric moods and leftover anxiety. I'm just not sure I can deal with this numbed-out, flat, listless feeling longterm! Anhedonia, lack of interest, lack of libido and lack of motivation/focus are all major (and seemingly treatment-resistant) features of my chronic depression so I don't want to take something that will just make these problems worse, you know? I was on Cymbalta YEARS ago (monotherapy by itself), so perhaps I will give that another shot if the Effexor is too mind-numbing...I like the fact that Cymbalta has a longer half-life and more effect with Norepinephrine. I don't think my issue is solely Serotonin because SSRIs just makes me want to lay in bed for hours while staring at the wall, eating snacks... Were you ever on Cymbalta for very long?
  7. I'm on 75mg Effexor (just under 2 weeks) and I feel incredibly spaced out. I don't feel at all depressed or any anxiety, just borderline numb and "not there." My mind is an empty void & ruminations gone, but I literally feel so detached, listless. I'm continuously zoning out during the day, and in conversation. I'm struggling to spell some words (something I'm usually very good at). I could just lay around and stare at the tv like a sloth. This is sooo not me. I've had this same effect from other antidepressants (hence why I usually end up going off them). Is this effect dose-dependent? Like, if I increase to 150mg will I feel less "tranced", more motivated or will this numbness & detachment increase even more so that I don't care about anything or anyone?? I thought the SNRI's were less likely to cause this?
  8. DBT skill of the day!

    Well...I'm not sure if I used any skills in the last few days. I've been busy and occupied so less time to sit and stew about things. Plus, the Effexor is really kicking in. I've felt unemotional and spaced out since the day i started it. I've done various activities, work, was social, exercised, went out for dinner/drinks...took care of some cleaning & chores like organizing the closet. But I didn't really focus on any skills. I just feel like a space cadet, it's bizarre, but nice for my overwhelmed mind to have a break. My head feels empty/void of any thoughts. disconnected from my body. No cares, no worries. I hope it doesn't screw me up cognitively, or mess with my memory.
  9. @amskray Chronic depression always makes me extra sensitive, vulnerable and disconnected. I get triggered by feelings of rejection, loneliness, boredom and feel a burden to others. I start to feel damaged, hopeless. The fact that I am isolated with no close friends I can depend on has been the most difficult part ,because I literally have no one to talk to, a shoulder to lean on, no one in person that understands, no group therapy here, etc. Maybe you would benefit from a med increase for a bit? I just bit the bullet and started Effexor out of desperation. It's been a little over a week and I feel spaced out, less emotional, more anhedonic, but my head is near empty of the negative ruminations & anxieties about the future ( for the moment). It's nice to NOT to feel so sensitive & emotional all the time.
  10. @BrianOCD What level/type of Depression are we talking about? Specific symptoms for example? For me, could look like this: Severe: Uncontrollable crying, disabling, easily triggered, suicidal thoughts, insomnia, aggravation, hopeless, feelings of desperation or worthlessness, physically exhausted (or restless), loss/increase of appetite... Moderate: Low dark mood, with spells of sadness/downward spirals, constant negative intrusive thoughts, some irritation, anti-social, feelings of failure, loss/increase of appetite, no motivation, sleep issues.... Lower: Negative mood, little motivation, functioning but anhedonic, somewhat numb, "don't care" attitude, fatigued...etc. I've found that antidepressants typically help remove the "worst" most severe depressive symptoms and emotional lability (like when I'm emotional with crying spells and anxiety), but (for me) meds have never resolved the chronic "leftover" symptoms I struggle with daily: Anedonia, low motivation, lack of focus, fatigue (many A/D's make this worse). Adding a stimulant has been somewhat helpful at this stage, but hasn't put it in complete remission. As far as antidepressants go, I have high hopes for Effexor which i just started. Cymbalta was pretty good too. Lamictal works well as a mood-stabilizer, but I often have breakthrough depression on it, so I'm not sure if I will continue on it longterm.
  11. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Slightly nauseous and spaced out.
  12. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Slightly hungover, tired :-(
  13. Virus page on CB. Anyone else?

    I often find my screen totally freezes up when I type a comment. I'm not sure why, but the cursor freezes and I'm unable to type. I start to get worried that the site will crash :-O
  14. DBT skill of the day!

    @philosophin Are there DBT skills that help with addiction that you are trying to use (you mention pot/booze?)? Alcohol is a tough one for me as well, I know it is really bad for depression and it often has the delayed effect (where I feel buzzed and good and then a couple days later after the hangover wears off I feel more depressed). I am often able to cut out the hard liquor, but I find myself being unable to avoid drinking altogether if I go out socially (I had 2 glasses wine and 2 margueritas last night) ;-/ Another factor is I'm trying to meet new people here and meeting up with complete strangers is stressful and anxiety-producing. Anyhow, I struggle with that too. as far as anger, my problem is anger turned inward (= depression). I never lash out at others (although often my anger is triggered by other people) then I'm alone and I get so angry at myself and the ruminating thoughts start up about being a failure, worthless or whatever. Many of the techniques don't work on this, I usually just ride it out, continue to take meds, try to relax or whatever until it dissapates. oh I totally forgot about the half smile thing that one is sort of bizarre! I was going to add (but I just noticed that you are already on 300mg Wellbutrin) Wellbutrin had the effect of completely wiping out all alcohol & food cravings for me. It didn't do a thing for my mood, but I'm curious if you ever noticed that effect when you started it? Ironically, Cymbalta had the opposite effect (I drank much more on it for some reason, and craved it) Meds are wierd.
  15. @BrianOCD I actually feel super calm & collected on only 37mg! Like NOTHING bothers me, my mind is super clear (and empty) My mind/head is a bit detached from my body like it's floating in space... The thing I worry about (which is the case for every antidepressant I've been on) is they flatten your emotions so that you feel nothing at all, no drive, no motivation, no sadness, but no excitement, joy or happiness either. I just feel sooo comfortable and lazy as Hell. I'm enjoying it for the time being, but I know this will become a major issue if I stay on it. It's like I am perfectly content to just lay around and do absolutely nothing. I used to be so sensitive & moved by music, art, novels, films, etc. Now I have no desires whatsoever, no impetus. I just don't care. Will this go away or will it it stay like this? I don't think I want to go above 75mg because I worry it will increase this apathy.