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MNK99

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About MNK99

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    male
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    A Kafkaesque State
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    Getting better.

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  1. It may not be cool, not fun... but it's the only way man. As you find more exp's you'll realize: There's not just "one" perfect person... for anyone really. Or it takes a lot of time and experiences, self-awareness, awareness of others, to take the chances, to find that person, and make it work, despite all the stress and drama.
  2. Getting better. Maybe 40-50%. A couple short trials of a particular medicine and also more working out 60-70%, some balancing and 80% and so forth. I'm making sure I have tons of money after this to make up for lost time. Can I recover 100% of every symptom? I don't know, but I'll try. And I'll try focusing on total health. I need my digestion to get better, and I'll jump to the next point maybe 60% then. I saw that endocrinologist early in Feb. I called and made sure to get in earlier than my appointment. I have improved a lot - as per usual, it's by me.
  3. Hi. Seeing an endocrinologist in April. But few if any doctors recognize PFS. https://rarediseases.info.nih.gov/diseases/12407/adverse-events-of-5-alpha-reductase-inhibitors https://rarediseases.info.nih.gov/organizations/2953 http://drjohncrisler.com/post-finasteride-syndrome.html Anyways, I'm strong in that I haphazardly (I was young, so that helped I'm sure) got out of the previous PSSD with lots of exercise and sobriety, and I think stimulants helped then (illegal stimulants which I don't advocate). Dopamine agonists seem to help pssd. I beat that and a lot of other things, but this is really really hard too. There's one medication that people have been trialling with very good results, but it will be hard to convince a physician to give it to me (some have succeeded). I am trialling something similar soon. I know what you mean in terms of sacrificing to gain. Like with prescription stimulants I know I have increased bruxism, hair shedding, and sleep issues. But my life is better on them. I'll add them back when I am a bit better. What's really really hard in addition to the depression and fatigue is the facial changes. Some have it way way worse, but I do have increased nasolabial folds and possibly smaller cheek bones. Fasting and refeeding did help chronic fatigue - something I never experienced outside of this and the other adverse reaction (for 6mo or so that time). I am working with a group on a different forum to get much better. It will take time, and maybe I can resolve most but not all. But I can still get better. And of course, you're right the brain -- when it comes to that and how we are affected, we just don't know it all yet.
  4. Most of my warning was about finasteride. I wasn't saying everyone should drop all their meds. I know they can help people. I wasn't trying to offend nor piss off anyone. I need help too. But the help I need doesn't exist except for experimentation. I'm sure I'd have stayed on lamotrigine if it wasn't for hair loss and I'm sure other meds help other people, as stimulants do help me. I'm just saying it isn't fair or right to be stuck with another condition because of failure on the part of the medical community to elucidate the mechanism of certain meds. I'd have made far more informed choices. And I wasn't super clear, I am of course more upset with the misdiagnosis that led to effexor (with no mood stabilizer) for "GAD" which turned out to be something else. I also feared taking a mood stabilizer for worsening condition - and in the end it did cause this. Because just as I was not made aware of lamotrigine's effect on hair, or the fact that I needed a different kind of med rather than the SNRI, I was not made aware of how finasteride works. Hence, I wasn't actually capable of making informed decisions. Nearly no doctor I've spoken to even knows about the neurosteroid depletion of finasteride. Tons of people are killing themselves because of this. I was just explaining some bad things that happened to me. That's all. Be well everyone. To answer @blahblah I was on Effexor XR maybe 1.5 years or less. I can't remember. And I was on Lamotrigine (8 years later) for 89 days. I was on finasteride for maybe 135 days. Most of the time I was on lamotrigine but then it stopped working. A question is - how do I solve this? If anyone had experience with Post Finasteride Syndrome (PFS). I'm doing a lot better than the last time I posted here, but I've had to change a lot in my life. I left my apartment and moved back home temporarily to recover a bit before I get back on out there on my own. This was never the case... I lived on my own for 3 years before this. I couldn't digest food, see properly, kept gaining weight, and had suicidal ideation for weeks/months. I fixed a lot of that with an extended (19 day) water fast. Now I'm refeeding, and trying to rebuild muscle soon enough and the hormones and neurosteroids that have been depleted. I'm sorry I should have named the thread something else. I'm like you guys here I just want to be happy and live up to my potential. I promised to never lose time again. But I did. I trusted my doctors, I thought I was doing the right thing. But I'm always hurt no matter what I try. And I don't know how to fix it. I want to be who I was right before this last incident. And I'm trying but its really hard.
  5. I meant Post SSRI-sexual dysfunction (but it was much more than just sexual). I was misdiagnosed a long time ago and given Effexor. It caused that and Mania. That's all resolved. It was an adverse drug reaction. With major consequences. Years later I was prescribed Lamotrigine (last year I took it). I actually liked lamotrigine. It stopped working though, when I was on finasteride. I mean these kind of side effects: Sunken eyes, shrinkage of testicles and penis and a host of other ones. I meant had I not tried bipolar meds, I would not be in another major "adverse drug reaction" situation. I'm vain, and if my doctor or anyone really told me that Lamotrigine could very well cause hair loss. I would not have taken it. There's forums all over the web (most not good) about PSSD and PFS. I'm not condemning all meds. Its just a warning to be safe. Because plenty of people like myself may be relieved they "get" their correct diagnosis, only to have to deal with an untenable side effect (for me hairloss and others). Which then made me rush out and try finasteride... I was always against it because of the other damaging side effects I faced on Effexor XR at 21 years old. Finasteride is a so-called 5ar inhibitor, but it works on far more than that. It affects hormones and neurosteroids like allopregnanolone and gaba, which we need for proper mood and functioning. Thanks for moving it. My track record with all meds - psyche and otherwise is maybe 1/10 have not caused major problems or been useless. I am a fellow sufferer but I am addressing PFS before my mental state: ADHD (using stimulants) and bipolar (using supplements). Neither are being treated right now, because PFS is even worse. I've never been manic on months end without my first psyche med and never suicidally depressed without finasteride. This is just to let people know that just because you clear one major adverse drug reaction, doesn't mean it can never happen again. I'm a risk taker but not when it comes to meds. Because everytime I did - I got burned badly.
  6. During misdiagnosis days, Effexor destroyed my life when I was barely 21. Severe mania, severe adhd, blackouts, being manipulated by psychopathic friends, and ruination all around. And PSSD (least of my issues then). Fixed (somehow) by 23 or so. At 29, tried lamotrigine. Further destroying my hair much like Adderall did. Tried finasteride - ruined my life (last year). Fixing now... or trying to. Literally made my face look different and caused things that look like hypogonadism. If you are healthy - stay away from such drugs especially if you already have neurodevelopmental/neuropsychiatric disorders. I'm sure a lot of pro-med people here will disagree, but I have family members who are no more intelligent than me who are married with kids, and making 800k-2million a year. The difference between us isn't that I didn't work hard nor is it a lack of ability/intelligence. It's that I spent my 20's in hell, fixed it, was lured to try another med. Though dexedrine was working -- and no doctor believes lamotrigine can cause hair loss. And trust me: Drug-caused illness is even worse. If ADHD and Bipolar (and both) have increased suicide risks, what about adding a disease that no one knows about, that doctors don't believe in (at all), that changes one's genitals, eyes, eyesight, face, and ability to function? I'm lucky in that I've seen a lot of shyt in my life and am a fighter. Others (plenty have committed suicide) would be gone. I was close at times - thanks to finasteride. I was bedridden. I won't write here again, until I'm better. By the way some of those family members I have are physicians, and trust me they don't "get PSSD", nor "PFS" (post finasteride syndrome). So if I was alone before... Well I was better off without taking lamotrigine and for sure finasteride. Fin inhibited UTG1A4 which metabolizes Lamotrigine or perhaps it was neurosteroid depletion which caused Lamo to stop working while I was on it. I have neuro, psyche, and physical symptoms (like 20) because of this. It isn't in my head. I can literally see my picture from right before I quit to quitting finasteride, my eyes look different. My vision also is different, and I think slower. I'm getting a bit better - but I need it cured asap. Fuck all this.
  7. "f bipolar. It's not fair. It sucks. But to anyone that stigmatizes it or judges others with it, good luck to you, for life does not discriminate and this strikes amazing people everyday." So true. I'm glad you found a person to talk to who had experience in their family. Mental illness touches so many people. Your artwork is really beautiful!!! Are you finding the Tegretol oK? I may try it, or get back to lamictal. I have hair issues too, lots from lamictal. But after some ordeals, I see - mental health is more important than vanity...it still gets to me tho. Is the tiredness getting better? Sorry for what led to your hospital visit.
  8. @Jean, I know law school's a dead end... that's why I've been so against it. But the older generation of lawyers... some only 10 years older, that make 600k- millions plus, don't realize its different now. And my cousin is a dual Harvard MBA and MPA... and without Harvard/ Yale like credentials... its basically a waste of time. that's why I needed to keep my hair and my face.... so I could do something I cared more about. As lame and bizarre as it sounds. As screwed up, lost, confused, prone to doing well then messing up as I am... At least I could enter any room and light it up and make jokes -- when I'm confident (which for me is due to appearance, grooming, and intellect, charm). If I hate myself... that's harder. I haven't felt this messed up even when I was obese. I only felt this bad when I was in danger of failing high school or university... and even then, that was about marks... and expectations, not so much something like this, internal character. I don't know why I broke my own rules.... I hate meds, no disrespect. I know they have saved many people's lives according to them and doctors. But, I'd rather die young, confident and successful and somewhat happy than live forever miserable. I think I screwed myself a lot with Finasteride. Probably half of the side effects I thought were Lamo were from Finasteride as well. And now I have 20+ things I'm trying to fix. It depletes neurosteroids, messes with sexual functioning, the face, and much much more. I can't believe I broke my own rules to never try meds again... and to try a med I said never too (finasteride). But I tried it bc, of the hair loss of Lamotrigine bc of my vanity. I'll figure something out I guess......... thx ev1 for the replies I will read in detail. I think I needed better friends, someone to talk to... to tell me to throw the pills away before I took them I don't know. I can't believe I fucked myself over again with meds. This is horrible, but I'll TRY MY BEST TO RECOVER. There's one good source of positive information on finasteride recoveries amidst a bunch of terrifying posts on various forums, Swole Source.
  9. I mean, Its been almost ten years since I've been "attractive" and yet I'm "forever alone"... I mostly do ask out girls occasionally, but really, its been flings or near-flings with alcohol, etc. Girls I really really like, I kind of mess it up, or I'm not interested. I mean, my home city was left 8 or 9 years ago. I lived in one part of Canada, then England, then another part of Canada. AND I feel like this "clean slate" issue comes up again and again... and it doesn't exist. _I wanted a "clean slate" at 15, ay 17, at 18, at 20-22 a few times... It doesn't happen. I get better in some ways, worse in others. And there's so much confusion. I thought my problem was I was fat and underachieving at times... THen I realized I was "good looking" but I was still kind of a loser. Then, I thought just aloof. I got the ADHD diagnosis and it helped -- I accept fine I'm different, and there's scars from the past... but who cares, I'll find my happy ending. I also thought and others told me "you're kind of crazy, but you're awesome/ cool, great personality". Now after the Bipolar II diagnosis (no offense to others), I guess yes, I am crazy... but what am I supposed to do about it? I can't underachieve. I can get maybe 20 jobs. Ones that interest me, maybe... Zero? I'd have to create a job, or get into it somehow. Jobs I'd last without meds, except for the creative dream jobs that I can't really get in Canada...? I don't know, I've never lasted anywhere. I feel I may be mentally challenged. I blacked out... and fell and don't remember all the details but had a very scary episode and it was my first blackout around my 21st birthday. Perhaps that, various other blackouts, and such have caused my so called ADHD/Bipolar II? Perhaps it was cocaine a few years later? Or the internet... But I was always distractible, losing things, finishing things last minute, scatterbrained, and a moody little kid too I just don't want to ruin my looks for stability. I..e. take lamotrigine and ruin my hair. I don't want to save my hair and destroy my sex drive (Finasteride). I don't want to kill myself either. My true goals... I don't know if i can do them, without some "antidepressant/ optimism boost". AS in... a mood stabilizer. BUT I think that after gaining weight on seroquel/possibly getting dumber, losing my mind on Effexor, losing a ton of hair on Adderall/Lamictal later, and the like... I'm screwed no matter what I do. The healthiest nicest thing to do, would be disavow myself from Psychiatry and Psychology. But like the various cities I left and schools I ran away from... something I can't outrun - it's me. It isn't only me. Lots of trauma was real and not imagined... and there are crappy people out there. BUT, I need total confidence to succeed... otherwise forget being a star, I'll be a nobody. And it looks like maybe I have to adjust expectations down... maybe without the knowledge of the ADHD/BPII... maybe the fact that I can't prove nor disprove these conditions and no one else really can for me, and treating them is really a nightmare.... maybe I'm screwed no matter what I do. ANd if that's the case - what am I supposed to do? Sorry for the curses. At least if I still look young -- my potential is there. If my mental, executive functioning ruins my potential to "succeed", I don't think it makes sense to ruin my potential to find happiness. -Has anyone's life IMPROVED for treatment of these or similar disorders? EDIT: Sorry for cursing a lot. I'm super stressed right now. It was FINASTERIDE TOO. Sunken eyes, hollow eyes, thinning facial skin... I can't believe I agreed to either medication and minoxidil. Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist - but I've been thru pharma hell before. I'm trying to recover from finasteride now... It's going to be a pain in the ass and a long ordeal. But luckily I took none of these meds longer than 4 months.
  10. I turned 30 recently. I live in a city with 5mn people. I'm reasonably attractive and have been for most of my adulthood (not to sound arrogant), but STILL FOUND IT HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS. I make people laugh, smile, people flirt with me... but a couple things have held me back. -I lost a lot of weight when I was younger, almost 80-90lb. I have some excess skin. I am getting rid of it this month. -I didn't realize but I was treated wrong when i was 20-21... I have ADHD and sometimes I feel definitely or maybe not Bipolar II. They've both been diagnosed. -I had to spend a hell of a lot of time, when I was mistreated with SNRI medication, to adjust my life. I stopped smoking, eventually stopped drinking. My friends for years were other substance abusers. WHen I was younger, I had made friends easily at times - but they were popular, and I was kind of popular, to very popular, to not popular and not trying at times throughout my life. I want to leave my current city. BUT, I wanted to leave the city I grew up in. Eventually i had to, because there was an extortion period... where I was a victim and got into a lot of trouble. Financial ruin, academic ruin etc. Ever since... I feel better when I do better in school or in working out. But I've maybe gone out on 20 first dates, and a couple more. I feel one needs to have sex immediately, otherwise they have no chance of having a real relationship. I messed it up because I was insecure about my excess skin (not that bad) but it made me nervous. Also at times I had an impaired sex drive - and I am now using NOFAP to help that. It does really help. BUt now, I'm correcting the skin issue --, and I'm trying to do nofap (hard with ADHD and Bipolar, but I think its necessary for me to have strong relationships with women). I think ideally I have a few best male friends, and while I won't be as outgoing as some of my social butterfly friends, I can still make people enjoy their time and I enjoy my time, and I go out with girls that interest me. How come everyone I know is on facebook and everywhere, and loves to go out... AND I can't act normal. I wake up at crazy hours, go to bed in the day when I'm really depressed. Everything just messes me up. I went to two universities... graduated late, thought I'd save up for the abdominoplasty, and things would get better. I started losing hair on stimulant medication but still looked nice and well. But I lost more hair on lamotrigine. Meanwhile, I am beginning to feel and its crushing... that the only way I can even have a "semi-normal" life is on medication. ANd its fucking heartbreaking, because no matter what I do I'm going to be alone. I didnt trust people for a long time, and my parents and family were narcissistic, so I self medicated and drank a lot. BUt, I corrected that. Well I quit substance abuse mostly, worked out, ate well, became attractive and fit - that didn't solve my problems. Occasionally I succeeded in what I attempted in school and work... it didn't solve my problems. I feel eccentric and I don't want to be. It's great I can charm others but I used to not give them a chance, or maybe I wasn't giving myself a chance. Are there any Bipolar II/ADHD people that feel alone still? As an obese smart boy I was alone, fledgling in I.B., and in universities (2) , I was alone. Girls ignoring me, to later flirting with me and actually occasionally asking me out (mostly its the guy's job), I'm still alone. I have too many black marks on me now. I can't win.... and I don't get it. I can't go on another 20 or 30 years or 1 year like this. I truly can't. It doesn't make any sense... I'm not stupid, I'm not ugly, I still can't decide a career. What I want is impractical because I can't have a normal life anyways, but I desperately want one. I'm missing milestone after milestone. I was petitioning classes, my cousin was graduating Harvard. I was wondering wtf was wrong with me, my brother was starting medical residency. Everything I do destroys something else. I have law school as a back up plan. But the market is bad, and my grades aren't that good either. AND I'd hate it except for litigation maybe later. I want to be a person who loves their life, not goes through the motions. Will a mood stabilizer or some combo of meds help me : -get to work on time -be more optimistic about career chances, and love. -allow me to ignore the thousands of missed opportunities dating (due to sex drive, not realizing I was attractive, being SHY/awkward, being speedy, hyper, and being behind in my work and needing to catch up otherwise -- I'd be fired/ fail). -AND BOND with others. I have had many best friends in life, and I move away or they move. people smile at me and come near me and when I don't look pissed off, or are not running around like I'm on a rampage (I move very fast, and walk very fast), they are inviting to me at times. Can someone please tell me if I can get what I want in life or if its too late? I don't want to be a burden on my family, I don't want to be a fuckup anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore either. And I just want to be free. -I know how to make people laugh, but I can't stay friends. I can't open my heart a lot of times. And I lash out and get mad and believe they are like my old friends and misusing me. I meet the prettiest girl and she likes me, but I feel she's trying to fuck me over. I become more confident (fit) and start losing some other good quality. I succeed a bit in school (past) and somehow lose time still. Every decision is last minute - last three places I lived. I just can't take it anymore. I can't be the only person in my family to struggle so much. I really think part of it is the city. I have two artistic friends that are either moving or have moved elsewhere. I have family in New york and everything I'm interested in is closer there.... My family doesn't believe in me half the time, or doesn't know how to show love/ faith in me. I don't want my life to pass me by. Will the right bipolar meds help me be a proper functioning adult? Living on my own helped me and got me closer to some goals. Trying new work is next... BUT, what if I'm still this loner that can't solve their problems? I wanted perfection before relationships... but that doesn't make any sense and will never happen. You don't need to be perfect. But every single medication I take fucks me up in some way. Every career I want negates the chances of the other ones. I was so full of life and I loved people as a kid sometimes.... but now fuck... I try to smile. I felt happy on lamotrigine but I felt like dying with some of the side effects. I don't get it why can't I find a solution. I want to see the bipolar specialist again after my surgery at the end of the month. Even my younger cousin will be done Medical school before I can do anything with my career. WTF is wrong with me. I'm thinking of euthanasia these days, and its mostly cuz of side effects -- hair loss, and being doomed to need the hair drugs. AND even if those were not problems.... WTF how am I going to live a normal life now, if I haven't up until now?
  11. Has anyone had luck treating Bipolar-Depression (mostly bipolar II) with an MAOI? Or perhaps some other antidepressant, like a Tricyclic? At the end of this month, I will be starting a new job. And I will have completed a very important life-change, a surgery. The thing is, I have tried a couple anticonvulsants (works good at times, but bad side effects) in addition to my stimulant (ADHD - works well). I wonder if I could try something else... Maybe an MAOI or Wellbutrin. I'm wary of any SRI,SSRI, SNRI, etc for the reasons that they can trigger mania for people with bipolar, but also because they really seemed to hurt my cognition and sex drive when I was on them many years ago. Or they simply do not work. I find my dexedrine somewhat stabilizing anyways, and slightly antidepressive. Definitely it is motivational - to help slog through and not feel/ think too much. BUT, I'd still like to be happy, and I found some success with Lamictal. I think maybe because stimulants help my ADHD and my mood a bit, maybe combining it with Wellbutrin could help each ADHD a bit and more importantly my depression. The other antidepressants, I don't know much about. I'm sure some people have found success on strange combinations before, when the tried and true methods didn't help. I am also using CBD, which does help but is probably not enough. Like CBD and stimulants help but there's definitely something missing. Maybe I just need to keep working hard on self-discipline, and put myself out there more and in time I'll heal. But to eliminate thoughts + feelings of depression and anxiety, would be very helpful too.
  12. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Between success and failure. And relief and the understanding that things will never get better. Maybe there is help and I can fix what bothers me, but I'll still need meds and to accept what they take from me, because "the illness" takes more from me.
  13. Not to come off for or against Lamictal, but I definitely did have bruising on it. I may have thin blood anyways (type "O") and I think it got thinner on stimulant treatment, but remained kind of thin. On Lamictal, lying down on my bed with my elbows bent, I'd get purple ish brusies on my elbows and arms. I do remember walking into my desk and hurting my thigh (I'm clumsy like that). And I had a major purple-black bruise. I had just increased the Lamictal dose. A few days later, I quit (for other reasons) and the bruise that looked quite scary cleared up very quickly. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it definitely caused bruises to me or made normal activities bruise me. On Lamotrigine, I did bruise at times in similar workouts to before that were sans-bruise. This could be my physiology + the drug, rather than only the drug. I may have a platelet issue (I hope not, getting a blood test) and I think for me it could be my blood type + stimulants + lamotrigine. Your kangaroo comment made me smirk KnickNak :).
  14. Sorry to keep going on about side effects, I just want to know. Has anyone had substantial (diffuse, all over perhaps) hair loss from any of the AED's, that upon quitting that medication, eventually that hair loss reversed and it regrew? I know it sounds vain, and hair isn't everything to most people... but can it grow back - its diffuse loss for me right now. I am male, just turned 30. I don't have a recession or if I do its very mild. My hair had loss before, but it was controlled - and was due to Adderall just being on that a couple days actually (as strange as that may sound). BUT being on lamotrigine, years later - my hair no longer looks good, and is straw like and very thin. I had 80% of my hair and it looked amazing, as I started with a thick full head of hair. You could see expanded part lines and such when I had the incident on Adderall. ANd then I switched to Dexedrine eventually and used some Spironolactone cream at nights, to prevent shedding. When off Dexedrine I barely shed. Same with other meds. Dexedrine was less bad than Adderall. So that was my mid to late 20's hair and medication wise. And in the last winter till April, I really tried to "get used" to the side effects of Lamictal, but I couldn't. I liked it and it did make me feel more resilient and grounded and calm and less depressed - but it simply wasn't good for me to have the side effects. They were affecting my self-esteem. I've been off of it since April 22 I think, and I hope hair regrows. I am now on Finasteride - and have been since January, but am taking a small break from that and then restarting it at a micro dose (as they have similar DHT inhibition anyways, and hopefully I can reduce side effects). I didn't even realize that I was losing hair on Lamotrigine, until at least a few weeks later or a month or so. I was more concerned with the death rash, and the other side effects. EDIT: This is really disheartening... I guess it doesn't often reverse with Lamictal? I've read studies showing it's rare.
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