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About MNK99

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    A Kafkaesque State
  • Interests
    Perfectionism despite not being able to do anything right.
    Stimulants, Straight Razors, Vodka. Fitness, Money, Love. Psychology. Trance, the Wu-Tang Clan.
    Fighting the System.

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  1. "f bipolar. It's not fair. It sucks. But to anyone that stigmatizes it or judges others with it, good luck to you, for life does not discriminate and this strikes amazing people everyday." So true. I'm glad you found a person to talk to who had experience in their family. Mental illness touches so many people.\\\\ Your artwork is really beautiful!!! Are you finding the Tegretol oK? I may try it, or get back to lamictal. I have hair issues too, lots from lamictal. But after some ordeals, I see - mental health is more important than vanity...it still gets to me tho. Is the tiredness getting better? Sorr\y for what led to your hospital visit.
  2. @Jean, I know law school's a dead end... that's why I've been so against it. But the older generation of lawyers... some only 10 years older, that make 600k- millions plus, don't realize its different now. And my cousin is a dual Harvard MBA and MPA... and without Harvard/ Yale like credentials... its basically a waste of time. that's why I needed to keep my hair and my face.... so I could do something I cared more about. As lame and bizarre as it sounds. As screwed up, lost, confused, prone to doing well then messing up as I am... At least I could enter any room and light it up and make jokes -- when I'm confident (which for me is due to appearance, grooming, and intellect, charm). If I hate myself... that's harder. I haven't felt this messed up even when I was obese. I only felt this bad when I was in danger of failing high school or university... and even then, that was about marks... and expectations, not so much something like this, internal character. I don't know why I broke my own rules.... I hate meds, no disrespect. I know they have saved many people's lives according to them and doctors. But, I'd rather die young, confident and successful and somewhat happy than live forever miserable. I think I screwed myself a lot with Finasteride. Probably half of the side effects I thought were Lamo were from Finasteride as well. And now I have 20+ things I'm trying to fix. It depletes neurosteroids, messes with sexual functioning, the face, and much much more. I can't believe I broke my own rules to never try meds again... and to try a med I said never too (finasteride). But I tried it bc, of the hair loss of Lamotrigine bc of my vanity. I'll figure something out I guess......... thx ev1 for the replies I will read in detail. I think I needed better friends, someone to talk to... to tell me to throw the pills away before I took them I don't know. I can't believe I fucked myself over again with meds. This is horrible, but I'll TRY MY BEST TO RECOVER. There's one good source of positive information on finasteride recoveries amidst a bunch of terrifying posts on various forums, Swole Source.
  3. I mean, Its been almost ten years since I've been "attractive" and yet I'm "forever alone"... I mostly do ask out girls occasionally, but really, its been flings or near-flings with alcohol, etc. Girls I really really like, I kind of mess it up, or I'm not interested. I mean, my home city was left 8 or 9 years ago. I lived in one part of Canada, then England, then another part of Canada. AND I feel like this "clean slate" issue comes up again and again... and it doesn't exist. _I wanted a "clean slate" at 15, ay 17, at 18, at 20-22 a few times... It doesn't happen. I get better in some ways, worse in others. And there's so much confusion. I thought my problem was I was fat and underachieving at times... THen I realized I was "good looking" but I was still kind of a loser. Then, I thought just aloof. I got the ADHD diagnosis and it helped -- I accept fine I'm different, and there's scars from the past... but who cares, I'll find my happy ending. I also thought and others told me "you're kind of crazy, but you're awesome/ cool, great personality". Now after the Bipolar II diagnosis (no offense to others), I guess yes, I am crazy... but what am I supposed to do about it? I can't underachieve. I can get maybe 20 jobs. Ones that interest me, maybe... Zero? I'd have to create a job, or get into it somehow. Jobs I'd last without meds, except for the creative dream jobs that I can't really get in Canada...? I don't know, I've never lasted anywhere. I feel I may be mentally challenged. I blacked out... and fell and don't remember all the details but had a very scary episode and it was my first blackout around my 21st birthday. Perhaps that, various other blackouts, and such have caused my so called ADHD/Bipolar II? Perhaps it was cocaine a few years later? Or the internet... But I was always distractible, losing things, finishing things last minute, scatterbrained, and a moody little kid too I just don't want to ruin my looks for stability. I..e. take lamotrigine and ruin my hair. I don't want to save my hair and destroy my sex drive (Finasteride). I don't want to kill myself either. My true goals... I don't know if i can do them, without some "antidepressant/ optimism boost". AS in... a mood stabilizer. BUT I think that after gaining weight on seroquel/possibly getting dumber, losing my mind on Effexor, losing a ton of hair on Adderall/Lamictal later, and the like... I'm screwed no matter what I do. The healthiest nicest thing to do, would be disavow myself from Psychiatry and Psychology. But like the various cities I left and schools I ran away from... something I can't outrun - it's me. It isn't only me. Lots of trauma was real and not imagined... and there are crappy people out there. BUT, I need total confidence to succeed... otherwise forget being a star, I'll be a nobody. And it looks like maybe I have to adjust expectations down... maybe without the knowledge of the ADHD/BPII... maybe the fact that I can't prove nor disprove these conditions and no one else really can for me, and treating them is really a nightmare.... maybe I'm screwed no matter what I do. ANd if that's the case - what am I supposed to do? Sorry for the curses. At least if I still look young -- my potential is there. If my mental, executive functioning ruins my potential to "succeed", I don't think it makes sense to ruin my potential to find happiness. -Has anyone's life IMPROVED for treatment of these or similar disorders? EDIT: Sorry for cursing a lot. I'm super stressed right now. It was FINASTERIDE TOO. Sunken eyes, hollow eyes, thinning facial skin... I can't believe I agreed to either medication and minoxidil. Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist - but I've been thru pharma hell before. I'm trying to recover from finasteride now... It's going to be a pain in the ass and a long ordeal. But luckily I took none of these meds longer than 4 months.
  4. I turned 30 recently. I live in a city with 5mn people. I'm reasonably attractive and have been for most of my adulthood (not to sound arrogant), but STILL FOUND IT HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS. I make people laugh, smile, people flirt with me... but a couple things have held me back. -I lost a lot of weight when I was younger, almost 80-90lb. I have some excess skin. I am getting rid of it this month. -I didn't realize but I was treated wrong when i was 20-21... I have ADHD and sometimes I feel definitely or maybe not Bipolar II. They've both been diagnosed. -I had to spend a hell of a lot of time, when I was mistreated with SNRI medication, to adjust my life. I stopped smoking, eventually stopped drinking. My friends for years were other substance abusers. WHen I was younger, I had made friends easily at times - but they were popular, and I was kind of popular, to very popular, to not popular and not trying at times throughout my life. I want to leave my current city. BUT, I wanted to leave the city I grew up in. Eventually i had to, because there was an extortion period... where I was a victim and got into a lot of trouble. Financial ruin, academic ruin etc. Ever since... I feel better when I do better in school or in working out. But I've maybe gone out on 20 first dates, and a couple more. I feel one needs to have sex immediately, otherwise they have no chance of having a real relationship. I messed it up because I was insecure about my excess skin (not that bad) but it made me nervous. Also at times I had an impaired sex drive - and I am now using NOFAP to help that. It does really help. BUt now, I'm correcting the skin issue --, and I'm trying to do nofap (hard with ADHD and Bipolar, but I think its necessary for me to have strong relationships with women). I think ideally I have a few best male friends, and while I won't be as outgoing as some of my social butterfly friends, I can still make people enjoy their time and I enjoy my time, and I go out with girls that interest me. How come everyone I know is on facebook and everywhere, and loves to go out... AND I can't act normal. I wake up at crazy hours, go to bed in the day when I'm really depressed. Everything just messes me up. I went to two universities... graduated late, thought I'd save up for the abdominoplasty, and things would get better. I started losing hair on stimulant medication but still looked nice and well. But I lost more hair on lamotrigine. Meanwhile, I am beginning to feel and its crushing... that the only way I can even have a "semi-normal" life is on medication. ANd its fucking heartbreaking, because no matter what I do I'm going to be alone. I didnt trust people for a long time, and my parents and family were narcissistic, so I self medicated and drank a lot. BUt, I corrected that. Well I quit substance abuse mostly, worked out, ate well, became attractive and fit - that didn't solve my problems. Occasionally I succeeded in what I attempted in school and work... it didn't solve my problems. I feel eccentric and I don't want to be. It's great I can charm others but I used to not give them a chance, or maybe I wasn't giving myself a chance. Are there any Bipolar II/ADHD people that feel alone still? As an obese smart boy I was alone, fledgling in I.B., and in universities (2) , I was alone. Girls ignoring me, to later flirting with me and actually occasionally asking me out (mostly its the guy's job), I'm still alone. I have too many black marks on me now. I can't win.... and I don't get it. I can't go on another 20 or 30 years or 1 year like this. I truly can't. It doesn't make any sense... I'm not stupid, I'm not ugly, I still can't decide a career. What I want is impractical because I can't have a normal life anyways, but I desperately want one. I'm missing milestone after milestone. I was petitioning classes, my cousin was graduating Harvard. I was wondering wtf was wrong with me, my brother was starting medical residency. Everything I do destroys something else. I have law school as a back up plan. But the market is bad, and my grades aren't that good either. AND I'd hate it except for litigation maybe later. I want to be a person who loves their life, not goes through the motions. Will a mood stabilizer or some combo of meds help me : -get to work on time -be more optimistic about career chances, and love. -allow me to ignore the thousands of missed opportunities dating (due to sex drive, not realizing I was attractive, being SHY/awkward, being speedy, hyper, and being behind in my work and needing to catch up otherwise -- I'd be fired/ fail). -AND BOND with others. I have had many best friends in life, and I move away or they move. people smile at me and come near me and when I don't look pissed off, or are not running around like I'm on a rampage (I move very fast, and walk very fast), they are inviting to me at times. Can someone please tell me if I can get what I want in life or if its too late? I don't want to be a burden on my family, I don't want to be a fuckup anymore. I don't want to be alone anymore either. And I just want to be free. -I know how to make people laugh, but I can't stay friends. I can't open my heart a lot of times. And I lash out and get mad and believe they are like my old friends and misusing me. I meet the prettiest girl and she likes me, but I feel she's trying to fuck me over. I become more confident (fit) and start losing some other good quality. I succeed a bit in school (past) and somehow lose time still. Every decision is last minute - last three places I lived. I just can't take it anymore. I can't be the only person in my family to struggle so much. I really think part of it is the city. I have two artistic friends that are either moving or have moved elsewhere. I have family in New york and everything I'm interested in is closer there.... My family doesn't believe in me half the time, or doesn't know how to show love/ faith in me. I don't want my life to pass me by. Will the right bipolar meds help me be a proper functioning adult? Living on my own helped me and got me closer to some goals. Trying new work is next... BUT, what if I'm still this loner that can't solve their problems? I wanted perfection before relationships... but that doesn't make any sense and will never happen. You don't need to be perfect. But every single medication I take fucks me up in some way. Every career I want negates the chances of the other ones. I was so full of life and I loved people as a kid sometimes.... but now fuck... I try to smile. I felt happy on lamotrigine but I felt like dying with some of the side effects. I don't get it why can't I find a solution. I want to see the bipolar specialist again after my surgery at the end of the month. Even my younger cousin will be done Medical school before I can do anything with my career. WTF is wrong with me. I'm thinking of euthanasia these days, and its mostly cuz of side effects -- hair loss, and being doomed to need the hair drugs. AND even if those were not problems.... WTF how am I going to live a normal life now, if I haven't up until now?
  5. Has anyone had luck treating Bipolar-Depression (mostly bipolar II) with an MAOI? Or perhaps some other antidepressant, like a Tricyclic? At the end of this month, I will be starting a new job. And I will have completed a very important life-change, a surgery. The thing is, I have tried a couple anticonvulsants (works good at times, but bad side effects) in addition to my stimulant (ADHD - works well). I wonder if I could try something else... Maybe an MAOI or Wellbutrin. I'm wary of any SRI,SSRI, SNRI, etc for the reasons that they can trigger mania for people with bipolar, but also because they really seemed to hurt my cognition and sex drive when I was on them many years ago. Or they simply do not work. I find my dexedrine somewhat stabilizing anyways, and slightly antidepressive. Definitely it is motivational - to help slog through and not feel/ think too much. BUT, I'd still like to be happy, and I found some success with Lamictal. I think maybe because stimulants help my ADHD and my mood a bit, maybe combining it with Wellbutrin could help each ADHD a bit and more importantly my depression. The other antidepressants, I don't know much about. I'm sure some people have found success on strange combinations before, when the tried and true methods didn't help. I am also using CBD, which does help but is probably not enough. Like CBD and stimulants help but there's definitely something missing. Maybe I just need to keep working hard on self-discipline, and put myself out there more and in time I'll heal. But to eliminate thoughts + feelings of depression and anxiety, would be very helpful too.
  6. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Between success and failure. And relief and the understanding that things will never get better. Maybe there is help and I can fix what bothers me, but I'll still need meds and to accept what they take from me, because "the illness" takes more from me.
  7. Not to come off for or against Lamictal, but I definitely did have bruising on it. I may have thin blood anyways (type "O") and I think it got thinner on stimulant treatment, but remained kind of thin. On Lamictal, lying down on my bed with my elbows bent, I'd get purple ish brusies on my elbows and arms. I do remember walking into my desk and hurting my thigh (I'm clumsy like that). And I had a major purple-black bruise. I had just increased the Lamictal dose. A few days later, I quit (for other reasons) and the bruise that looked quite scary cleared up very quickly. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it definitely caused bruises to me or made normal activities bruise me. On Lamotrigine, I did bruise at times in similar workouts to before that were sans-bruise. This could be my physiology + the drug, rather than only the drug. I may have a platelet issue (I hope not, getting a blood test) and I think for me it could be my blood type + stimulants + lamotrigine. Your kangaroo comment made me smirk KnickNak :).
  8. Sorry to keep going on about side effects, I just want to know. Has anyone had substantial (diffuse, all over perhaps) hair loss from any of the AED's, that upon quitting that medication, eventually that hair loss reversed and it regrew? I know it sounds vain, and hair isn't everything to most people... but can it grow back - its diffuse loss for me right now. I am male, just turned 30. I don't have a recession or if I do its very mild. My hair had loss before, but it was controlled - and was due to Adderall just being on that a couple days actually (as strange as that may sound). BUT being on lamotrigine, years later - my hair no longer looks good, and is straw like and very thin. I had 80% of my hair and it looked amazing, as I started with a thick full head of hair. You could see expanded part lines and such when I had the incident on Adderall. ANd then I switched to Dexedrine eventually and used some Spironolactone cream at nights, to prevent shedding. When off Dexedrine I barely shed. Same with other meds. Dexedrine was less bad than Adderall. So that was my mid to late 20's hair and medication wise. And in the last winter till April, I really tried to "get used" to the side effects of Lamictal, but I couldn't. I liked it and it did make me feel more resilient and grounded and calm and less depressed - but it simply wasn't good for me to have the side effects. They were affecting my self-esteem. I've been off of it since April 22 I think, and I hope hair regrows. I am now on Finasteride - and have been since January, but am taking a small break from that and then restarting it at a micro dose (as they have similar DHT inhibition anyways, and hopefully I can reduce side effects). I didn't even realize that I was losing hair on Lamotrigine, until at least a few weeks later or a month or so. I was more concerned with the death rash, and the other side effects. EDIT: This is really disheartening... I guess it doesn't often reverse with Lamictal? I've read studies showing it's rare.
  9. I miss it... but My Pdoc says : It probably is the med. The doctor he touched base with said "he hadn't heard those complaints", water retention, hair loss - but clearly --- it does exist. I quit and started again like 6 times, each time - I can run my hand through my scalp in any direction and hair just comes out. I lost a tiny bit of eyelashes too (but may have before at times, I remember my Doctor asking about this as a kid, he asked if I picked them ! Of c not, but I did rub my eyes, allergies or whatever). Eyebrows fall a bit easier on this med too. Same on dexedrine, but hair loss there is minimal. Adderall (3.5 yrs ago was severe and brief, but did not come back). Lamictal recently was severe too. I think water retention is there on all versions, but worse on Lactose containing versions (incl. brand name). I think the Mood Boost is Best on Lamictal. And it's "okay" on one generic and pretty good on another. Hair loss seems to occur on all. A surgery I mentioned, is happening soon (no date planned, but probably this month), so I probably shouldn't start any other meds. Besides, I can't think of any great choices. My PDoc conferred with the Expert on Bipolar... And he suggested to my Pdoc - Latuda or Saphris. My Pdoc mentioned maybe Trileptal. I thought maybe Trileptal and Wellbutrin, but then we are adding 2 drugs. I think Latuda would probably work the best, but I've lost like 100lb plus in my life. From obese to rail thin, or ripped.... So screw it I think. Though I was like catatonically depressed lots of the time. The hair loss from Lamictal didn't help. I looked like 22 most of my 20's And I can't deal with hair loss, and really confidence and such are more important to me than my disorders, minus the severe depression, social anxiety, and unfocused/ disorganized chaos. So it's like I need something, but choices are not good. I think that I might get some regrowth of hair from Finasteride in the future, but I don't like being on that. And also, it looks like hair thinned from the LTG was all over the place and not miniaturized... so probably not DHT related anyways. Although Fin could help any hair, but of c it isn't great for sex drive. Can't win. I am trying Lithium Orotate / Lithium Aspartate and it actually does help calm me down significantly.Only been a few days, do feel some brain fog - can keep it at one tab per morn then night 5mg each.
  10. Thx for the replies... Re: Mcjimjam " Have you asked about a way of dealing with the edema? Maybe they can add a diuretic or lithium, which has a diuretic effect." Not really, I just drink some coffee... and maybe when I work out more it won't be a problem. The meds I asked to add don't seem safe (edema wise). I think maybe its a bit better now. It seemed worse for sure on the lactose containing meds. I'm more concerned about hair loss at the moment. A lot of doctors that I'd see in passing moments can't really help. My family doctor doesn't want to mess with my psyche meds, my Psychiatrist I don't think knows what to do really, and at least they admit it. It kind of sucks because I'm seeing family shortly for a wedding... and I wanted this med thing sorted so I can get back on track, and not be like the black sheep. The only one of four boys (2 first cousins and my brother) who isn't successful yet. Also my left eye is blurry. And I'm dropping and shaking a lot still at times. Yes I fidget anyways.... and am clumsy but not like this. This is worse than when I was a severe alcoholic and on Effexor and smoking weed (among other things). My fingers move in strange ways when typing at times - maybe when the drug is leaving my system. Shaving is hard at times. I feel that if a med is successful, it won't be an issue. Like you can take it and not feel bad that you're taking something harmful. Like my asthma inhalers... Yeah I'd like not to take them, but I've been trained to take them - it doesn't affect me. The only psyche med I've ever felt not that bad taking has been stimulants - partly because stimulants of some kind, coffee, or ADHD meds saved me at least in terms of school and some previous jobs. Most A/D's I don't believe I stayed on long, and 2 were in the first year I experienced severe Mania (took me 6-7 years to realize wtf had happened). Regarding hair loss or edema... Many docs won't take this seriously because they'll look and see a "full head of hair" and "you're skinny". But I know what is skinny versus fluid retention. Because I've been obese and also athletic (closer to that side now, for 10+ years). And I've seen near zero hair fall per day (maybe 10-15 per day max) versus 100-200 on 75mg lamotrigine. As a male with maybe patterned genetic hairloss that's an issue. I know it falls out more on dexedrine already, but now severely on lamotrigine. My washroom floor is covered with hair (back, sides, top -- not MPB areas, and for those with history in my family - they had some sort of pattern, mine is diffuse, but not Diffuse unpatterned alopecia. I'm hoping rogaine helps, but I should probably find a med that isn't so bad for my hair personally). Regarding vision, I had glasses since 14 years old, and got by only wearing them on the computer or while driving, at movies, in lectures. So all in all my vision barely changed in 16 years - maybe a tiny bit, but my right eye is near 20/20 and my left is not so great and has a lot of astigmatism. This isn't normal astigmatism, it's "blurry" in my left (weaker eye). Sometimes I'm crossing the street now and I'm not confident I can see - peripheral vision wise. Re hair: I just began rogaine and finasteride - but I'm not even sure it is genetic hair loss. I guess on some level, I know I need to do something about ADHD/BPII regardless ... What that is, is not something I can easily conclude so far. I'm not complaining much about the tremors except that they're dangerous... because I know I'll be doing writing, sales, etc jobs not surgery or something. But I do have persistent head nodding tremors from dexedrine, and now its left to right on lamotrigine... Anyone else have this? I think the dexedrine tremors go away nearly if I quit for 3-4 weeks, and surely after a couple months (hopefully). I probably would have tremors on all. Maybe I have that MTHFR mutation explaining bad reactions to meds. I don't know. I wish I could get genetic testing - but by trial and error, I might have the answers somewhat anyways. As per my final dose on lamotrigine: I don't think it will be that high. I don't think I'll touch above 200mg or maybe even above 100mg. I think the relief I feel now is similar to the first relief I had at 25mg a few months ago (before quitting and restarting). I could be wrong though. I see so Wellbutrin was pretty much useless for you I guess? Like t
  11. Does anyone take Wellbutrin (any version) and a stimulant and only those two meds? Is it possible that I could fix treatment resistant depression / bipolar II and ADHD with Dexedrine in the mornings and Wellbutrin at night (seeing as though wellbutrin is a NDRI, and might cap off the peak effects of "dexedrine"). I'm not super happy only treating the ADHD... but I am not sure I can stick to Lamotrigine. I've been back and forth and I know it's annoying asking questions and questions again - but I really just want to get back to work and be functional. I either don't sleep for days or I stay in bed all day, and though I'm not horribly depressed (so you could say lamotrigine "works"), it isn't working well enough. My reactions to SSRI's and SNRI's probably won't repeat on Wellbutrin I think. I hope to see my Doctor on Monday and ask him what to try. I'm going to avoid Lithium, and most anticonvulsants... And most antidepressants (that I've reacted badly too). ADHD is a priority but being more content, less depressed and "hopeful" would be awesome too.
  12. I can definitely relate. I was a pretty high achieving student for half my time... and then I royally screwed up in University. I am also in Canada. I went to two different universities (on opposite sides of the country). I changed majors... and ran into a hell of a lot of trouble due to incorrect meds. Towards my 99th credit (counted, I did more... way more) or so I was diagnosed with ADHD. I graduated a 90 cred degree, and just applied to graduate my 120 credit degree, after dual diagnosis BPII / ADHD. It'd be a lot easier knowing beforehand, but somehow I got through and I think you can too. The first thing that helped me was getting accomodations. I was reluctant at first - as I was wary of Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Counsellors and the like (after severe mania etc)... but it allowed me to write many exams solo (without others in the room). Getting registered with Counselling and Disability Services at University - enabled me to write exams in Alternate Exams (by myself) and gave leniency regarding handing assignments in. Maybe your ADHD mentor (or a friend) can be an accountability partner, even when you can't come in to see them (through email or text). Like maybe you can have the 5 most important tasks per week, and they can call or you can text/email to see where you are. Two things helped me a bit: A program called Tick Tick on Android and Iphone (and web) https://ticktick.com/ And also this: http://www.superiorlifestyletransformation.com/productivity/the-ivy-lee-method/ Also exercise... Sorry its easy to recommend things, but honestly I can't pinpoint exactly what helped me except the knowledge and acceptance that life would get better after school. The rest of it was a grind for me... I handed in 7 essays for one course at 4am, on the last day, and had an extension for the final assignment for my last two courses. Without such leniency... it'd be impossible. Although you said your profs are understanding which is really good. Always ask about expectations if they are unclear. I didn't ask because I was shy/nervous until my later years - which was a huge mistake. Also a school therapist (PhD) helped me out a lot.. they helped me actually realize I had ADHD and other issues and helped me accountability wise to an extent. TO recap: I'd get Letters of Accomodation, a school therapist, and meds, an Accountability partner, and choose a major I like -- day 1. That's all I can think of. I think you have some of these... There's really no one silver bullet, but maybe meds need to change. I'm not sure. My heart goes out to you.
  13. @melissaw72 "When I started with lamictal, I had a great thick head of hair. And it never fell out unless my thyroid was off (which can cause hair loss) and/or if I experienced severe stress for a prolonged period of time I could count on losing hair (for me, if I am really stressed for awhile about something, 4-6 weeks later my hair will fall out ... not a lot, but noticeable. It does come back though in time). But it wasn't from the lamictal AFAIK. I never connected the 2. I know you've talked to your pdoc about this, but have you thought of the bloating being from something else? It sounds very uncomfortable to be dealing with. **Have you gotten your thyroid checked recently? That can definitely cause hair loss." Hi again Melissa, I keep posting the same things in a sense but worded them differently and had different angles. I've been freaking out a lot lately. I have not had my thyroid checked lately. It was really weird - the terminal at my University's health clinic when you check in, says "treated for conditions" and "thyroid" was selected... But I never had thyroid treatment so I assume it was some record mixup. Honestly, I did go check everything out many years ago bc of all kinds of random stomach and other issues. But came back clear on a lot. It's been a long time though.... It is possible that the diet protocol (its not "really a diet" - just eating hours are different) may be suitable for strength training but not for the drug I'm taking, as in... maybe I need to eat 3-4 meals now or something like that. Anyways, I just don't think it should be this hard. Either something works and doesn't harm me... or I gotta move on. But I know you gotta wait and 1 month isn't long. I'll ask to get my thyroid checked, next time I see my family doctor. I've definitely thought I've had hypo or hyperthyroid at times. I fit more hyperthyroid symptoms but I did have eyebrows shed a lot as well as maybe thinning of eyebrows a bit and hair above my ear. I notice it when on stimulants - it was really scary at first but that was a few years ago.
  14. @Blahblah Yeah... I know it seems erratic, honestly it may be at times. BUT even so I maintain the same average calories as needed for a decrease in weight. So if my TDEE (total daily energy expenditure) is 2900, and I want a deficit of 1000 I might eat an average of 1800-2200 (for a short time, not forever! Only when "cutting"). But I always reset. Or if I just want to maintain (soon) I might just eat 2600 one day and 3200 the next. I know what you mean - balance I appreciate it. I guess I've always been erratic in diet and sleep a bit but it balances things out. Like I take my ADHD med in the morning and usually on an empty stomach, and I get my calories in at night, in an eating window. Its hard to explain but I make my macronutrients most the time. It's extreme because of the times where I don't. I have reset my metabolism several times. Like when I was 180lb with no further progress and I realized that I was undereating and doing too much cardio, I eventually came to my senses and fixed that. So for 6-8 weeks I reset and eat 500-700 more than my BMR (basal metabolic rate) to bring my metabolism back up. I did recently go from 192 lb (Which is a bit much for me) to 174 or 172lb which is pretty light and nearing my end result. I don't think about weight, just about progress, but yes I admit I'm obsessive about it. I don't mean to sound combative or argumentative. I don't think my diet is too too erratic right now but your post does remind me that sometimes it does get there. Also I know it sounds erratic. That's why I always take breaks and just eat normally, whatever I want for a week or so. See part of the reason to get the surgery done is cuz all the issues of being formerly obese affect my mental health and erratic ways (diet, sleep, anxiety, depression, etc). I do wholeheartedly agree with you that starting and stopping the medication isn't good. Most my meds were misdiagnosis or they were for ADHD and didn't have the right sides. I think stimulants and mood stabilizers are the only "right meds" so far. And that's more limited because I need a mood stabilizer that works on depression. Those ones, if they work (one does) I do keep "ON" during work or school. I'm hoping to find something for BPII that's as effective and tolerable as what I have for my ADHD. Also: You're probably right that fasting every other day isn't a good long term solution and honestly I look nearly the same without it... Its like eat 2500 calories and 1200 -1400 the next day. It was 700 for a bit but that was hard to sustain - but did give me good results. Mostly I get derailed and so I have to be extreme -- in work, fitness regiments, school. It's like I have to function 1000% to make up for the times where it's 30% or less. I realize I just made myself look far more erratic in this post. I'm inconsistent and use my hyperdrive to sort out things - but yeah its not sustainable. I fully intend to normalize eating more. Part of it is I focus better without breakfast, and I was really intent on getting to 10-12% bodyfat and getting my surgery done this year. Part of it is, I feel smarter and more focused getting the work done in the day, and eating at night.
  15. Hi. Yeah my Pdoc has been mostly amenable to changing the dose and such. He is admittedly not a bipolar expert. I originally saw him for the ADHD I have. The doctor that diagnosed me with BPII gave him notes that suggested trying either Latuda or lamotrigine. I tried the first generic last September and quit in October. Then the brand name in January-February. Then this version in March after being off a couple weeks. I do have salt, but I cycle calories and do alternate day fasting or at least intermittent day fasting. And that's helped metabolism and most other effects from anything I do (lifestyle or medication) wise before this. I didn't eat nearly enough the last 3 days (not good) but for instance there is fluid retention still. I do eat meat and get takeout once every couple days, but try and keep it healthy - meats and vegetables. I am kind of extreme and keep carbs under 100g and even under 40g at times. My doctor (that prescribes the ADHD med and the Lamotrigine) isn't sure what to do. He is going to write the other doctor (Bipolar specialist) to see if there's other options and if such side effects go away. I am very vigilant and despite my disorganization I notice everything... SO maybe I'm sensitive to things and some things woldn't bother others, but because I'm me, I notice it... and I can't commit to it. I've been on maybe 11-12 meds over the past 10 years, most no longer than a couple weeks. Some were SSRI's and SNRI's. The only ones longer than a year would be Effexor (huge mistake!!! considering the bipolar) and Dexedrine. So for me it DOES seem better than nearly everything I've tried. It is my first "bipolar med" or mood stabilizer. I want to like it but damn.