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About leadinglady

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    Addicted BPD maniac
  • Birthday 05/25/1977

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  • Interests
    Writing, poetry, hip-hop, urban life, American Indian culture, the ACLU, women's rights, my children, addiction, mental health.

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1431 profile views
  1. I'm sick of that shit too. They make us out to be such bad people. How to handle us or deal with us... Really? ugghh...
  2. I'm going to definitely avoid taking Depakote during meals and take a zinc and selenium supplement. I take biotin. Thanks for the information, it helps a lot!
  3. Can someone explain to me how this happens? I've been on Neurontin (a LOT of it) and never could imagine using it to get high. It doesn't have that affect. Why does it have street value? It doesn't seem like it would do anything! I just don't get it.
  4. I have agoraphobia with PD, major depression, borderline, PTSD and am on Prozac and Zyprexa for moods, amitriptyline and Requip for sleep stuff... I want to add Depakote back because I felt good on Depakote but I always lost wads of hair on it. Is there any way to avoid losing hair on Depakote? Taking Biotin supplements, maybe?
  5. YKYBW you catastrophize, isolate, internalize, self-medicate and self loathe!!!!!!
  6. I freak out and obsess over my past mistakes. Guilt haunts me everyday and I hate it. I wish I could shake it or just let it go. People say "oh what's in the past is in the past" but with BPD it is SOOO difficult to try to think of things that way. I'm struggling so bad with forgiveness of myself and that just leads to more self-loathing. It's a terrible tornado.
  7. I live alone, I work at home alone, I isolate a lot. I have depression and borderline personality disorder and anxiety. My anxiety is off the charts lately. I am being weaned off of Paxil so I can start Brintellix. I feel like I'm going crazy all alone in this apartment with my racing thoughts. It takes all my energy to shower and get dressed everyday. I have no motivation. Does anyone have advice on how to motivate myself to make it through the day? All I do is sleep. I do go to outpatient treatment for alcoholism three times a week and see a psychologist and a psychiatric nurse practitioner but besides those places, the grocery store is the only place I go because I don't have a car. Times are tough right now and I seriously feel like I'm losing my mind. Ugh...thanks for letting me vent.
  8. I'm not letting my ex ruin my life anymore. I cut him loose today. He is an alcoholic and he drives me to drink, not an excuse but an extra reason to. I'm an addict and alcoholic. I even mix the two.. Not cool. So today I attended an online AA meeting and talked to a girl I met in treatment that is sober and I am going to face to face meetings this week. I also need to find a therapist this week for sure. I fell down the stairs 2 years ago and at 37 had to have a total hip replacement and jaw reconstruction after being airlifted to a trauma center. I am facially disfigured now because of it and am going to have surgery again on June 18 for total joint replacements on both sides of my jaw that will hopefully even out my facial asymmetry. As a result of the fall, I lost custody of my daughters, 10 and 7, and now they live an hour away with their dad. I also became homeless for the past two years and just recently got into my own apartment. My ex-husband is supposed to bring them once a week to see me and let me talk to them on the phone everyday but he does not comply with the court order. He doesn't know what's going on with me and I am definitely not going to tell him. Meanwhile I need to file court papers to get custody of my daughters back. That needs to be my focus.. that and my new job working at home so I can save money for a car to go see them since he won't bring them to see me. Everything is a mess because of this addiction and I'm tired of it. I'm happy to say I've hit rock bottom and have become enlightened. I refuse to live like this another day. I thank God for the clarity to see this. Thank you for reading.
  9. He calls and says he loves me, baby this, baby that, and then sends me a picture of himself in her bathroom. I told him he's unmedicated and needs serious help.
  10. LOL thanks everyone for your thoughts... I sopped them up. I feel better now. Getting back together with an ex: Self-sabotage!
  11. My ex boyfriend was saying he wanted to get back together with me, which suspiciously coincided with the fact that he was going to be homeless and I just moved into a new apartment. Anyway, we get along great, he tells me he loves me, wants to marry me, have his children, yada yada yada... I catch him cheating on me with a girl on Facebook. I confront him on this and on the fact that he won't even lay in a bed with me and he tells me it's because he's not physically attracted to me. I've never felt so horrible in my life. I want to die. I feel like my skin is being peeled off with lemon juice. I've never felt this kind of emotional pain in my life and I've been through a LOT of emotional fucking pain... How do I get over this! It's going to be in my head forever! No selfies from this chick for a verrrryyy long time and lots of future investment in plastic surgery here. Smdh.
  12. What is the best way to treat the headaches brought on by carbamazepine? Is this a side effect that subsides once I get used to it or will I just have to take ibuprofen constantly? Thanks!