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  1. Hi and welcome. Glad you came out of lurking. This is a good group of people!
  2. Sex

    First, good job making the doctor appointment. Tell your doctor what you have told us. Don't worry about judgement - it's the doctor's job to hear stories like yours. They are symptoms of a disease. Please maintain a holding pattern while you hear what the doctor has to say. Then, make the changes slowly. When I am manic, I also want to make huge changes. Make a list of the things that you want to change. Prioritize the list. Tackle the items in small bits and not all at once.
  3. Thank you, Distorted Me. I asked my pdoc about the possibility once and he was not supportive. I believed him. However, I think you nailed it today. I appreciate the perspective change.
  4. Just needing a place to express my frustration today. I'm struggling with concentration, depression, anxiety, having trouble remembering things, general downswing crap. It is hard to keep it under wraps at work and the effort is exhausting. There are times that make me hate living with BP. This week is one of those times.
  5. I don't know if this needs a trigger warning or not so I am moving the text down anyway. I have PTSD from another situation but I keep feeling like there is something else going on deeper that also is causing issues. For almost 30 years I have had a feeling that something terribly wrong was done to me when I was very small, like before I was 8 or 9 and maybe as young as 4-5. I was raised in kind of a weird situation with a lot of adults around that we didn't know very well. I have this creeping feeling like someone touched me and that it was at a time when I was vulnerable, like in a bathroom or when I was sick or something. I asked my sister, who is older, and although she didn't recall anything specific, she agreed with me that I was definitely in situations where some kind of inappropriate touching etc. could have happened. I mentioned it to my therapist but I am still having trouble working through the fact that it might really have happened, especially since I feel that it was early enough in my life that I can't remember anything except a creepy sick feeling. There are parts of me that feel broken in terms of sexuality and vulnerability.
  6. Sex

    What you are describing was one of the indicators that I was bipolar. Before I was treated, I frequently engaged in high risk behaviour. You are not alone.
  7. Thanks, Gearhead... I needed that reminder. Thank you.
  8. I've been in therapy for 5 years. Also medicated. I have a good job. I have a supportive husband. I have a home. But years of abuse and insanity still get the better of me sometimes and I feel like I don't deserve anything good, or that people will "find out" that I am a horrible person (I have bad elements and good), and I still have days/weeks. when I am extremely self destructive. The current incarnation is that (a) I am fighting dwindling self consciousnes and social awkwardness, - all part of myregular repertoire - but now (b) for no reason whatsoever I am fighting against the development of an eating disorder, which is a new development in my crazy. I am in my late forties. WTH, brain? WHY? Why do I do this to myself?
  9. Mania gray areas...

    I've had what I believe is rapid cycling now since spring. I continue to try to work but that is getting more and more difficult. When I am manic at work, I feel very professional, reach out to higher ups about my grand plans, then later feel completely worthless, confused, and embarrassed. I also have anxiety and mild OCD. I channel some of my rage, energy, and feelings of inherent superiority into cleaning my house. I sweep over and over. Mania in general, pretty much as everyone else here has said. I am brilliant, quick, confident, speak quickly, walk with my head up, correct people, become irritable and then furious, then collapse and feel worthless, can't talk to people, cry about the state of everything (even when things are actually OK at home), etc. Currently on the down side. Applying for disability finally, can't take another meltdown, I feel like I suck at my job, I am unreliable and now deeply confused by life, the universe, and everything. Currently it all feels like TOO MUCH and the depression makes it impossible for me to find my way back to the surface. the only benefit of having been batshit crazy for so long is that now I know I have to wait and my brain will do something else.
  10. Did not expect asthma

    Thank you for your supportive responses, @AyYiYikes and @sStrangelove. It means a lot to me!
  11. I have been berating myself for years about how out of shape j thought I was. I kept getting short of breath. Thought maybe it was some weird manifestation of the BP or the anxiety. Turns out I have asthma. All that self-punishment and it's effing asthma. Being crazy sucks sometimes.
  12. My experience in the hospital was a good one but not everyone's is. Is there an intensive outpatient group you could participate in?
  13. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Thanks for responding @looking for answers. Trying again to be functional at work, a functional wife, and a somewhat stable human being. I've had multiple meltdowns over the last 35 or so years and I am exhausted and tired of rebuilding. But life continues to go on and I continue to need to be functional enough to buy groceries.
  14. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Devastated. Alone. Tired of getting up and trying again. Angry.
  15. I just told my boss at work, first time in my 30-year work history that I have done that. I just said OK: I was in an abusive relationship that led to a cult which led to [crazy effing meltdown at work] and my PTSD made me not trust anyone" he he was TOTALLY OK with it and very supportive. Your mileage may vary.