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About theforest

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  1. Mania gray areas...

    I've had what I believe is rapid cycling now since spring. I continue to try to work but that is getting more and more difficult. When I am manic at work, I feel very professional, reach out to higher ups about my grand plans, then later feel completely worthless, confused, and embarrassed. I also have anxiety and mild OCD. I channel some of my rage, energy, and feelings of inherent superiority into cleaning my house. I sweep over and over. Mania in general, pretty much as everyone else here has said. I am brilliant, quick, confident, speak quickly, walk with my head up, correct people, become irritable and then furious, then collapse and feel worthless, can't talk to people, cry about the state of everything (even when things are actually OK at home), etc. Currently on the down side. Applying for disability finally, can't take another meltdown, I feel like I suck at my job, I am unreliable and now deeply confused by life, the universe, and everything. Currently it all feels like TOO MUCH and the depression makes it impossible for me to find my way back to the surface. the only benefit of having been batshit crazy for so long is that now I know I have to wait and my brain will do something else.
  2. Did not expect asthma

    Thank you for your supportive responses, @AyYiYikes and @sStrangelove. It means a lot to me!
  3. I have been berating myself for years about how out of shape j thought I was. I kept getting short of breath. Thought maybe it was some weird manifestation of the BP or the anxiety. Turns out I have asthma. All that self-punishment and it's effing asthma. Being crazy sucks sometimes.
  4. My experience in the hospital was a good one but not everyone's is. Is there an intensive outpatient group you could participate in?
  5. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Thanks for responding @looking for answers. Trying again to be functional at work, a functional wife, and a somewhat stable human being. I've had multiple meltdowns over the last 35 or so years and I am exhausted and tired of rebuilding. But life continues to go on and I continue to need to be functional enough to buy groceries.
  6. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Devastated. Alone. Tired of getting up and trying again. Angry.
  7. I just told my boss at work, first time in my 30-year work history that I have done that. I just said OK: I was in an abusive relationship that led to a cult which led to [crazy effing meltdown at work] and my PTSD made me not trust anyone" he he was TOTALLY OK with it and very supportive. Your mileage may vary.
  8. I wish...

    I am exhausted from rebuilding. I want to give up some days. And just quit trying.
  9. I wish...

    Agreed with @Iceberg and @AyYiYikes. I relate to so much of what everyone has said. I also can't read or speak properly, can't remember things, and sometimes when I take notes I can't figure out what I wrote later. I am trying to return to my job. I just started back part time. It is again stressing me out like it did before- can't comprehend what people are saying, can't remember things. Thursday I had a low grade panic attack. I am looking for a less stressful job. Just thinking about work right now is making my heart pound. Spraking to your other points, @Artsygirlms, I also am paranoid and have done erratic things during this last round of craziness. Definitely with you on feeling like a failure. i know that some of my issues are related to being the round peg trying to fit in a square hole... I am not a mainstream person and it's continually difficult to fit in. You are not alone.
  10. Reopening this older topic instead of starting a new thread - I have started with a new therapist after a break from therapy for about 8 months. I am now experiencing nightmares again. They had stopped for about 2 years. I just had a meltdown recently and I am rebuilding (again). Has anyone else had nightmares return? Thank you.
  11. Work?

    I am currently in the middle of navigating these questions also. I work full time in a fairly stressful job. Between being bipolar and having PTSD, combined with new stressors and triggers that hit concurrently at work and home, I got out of balance and had a meltdown (sorry for the grammar fail). I missed three weeks for my hospitaization followed by down time recovering at home. This was my first hospitalization. Before that I was pretty stable. I was vigilant about sleep. I was also in a different, less stressful position at the same workplace. I am now back part-time for four weeks while I regroup. I am taking this time to explore other options, including bringing out my art supplies again and trying to see if I am still creative, and if so, if I am skilled enough to produce work that is salable. Your art is absolutely beautiful and I hope you consider turning to that for some extra/residual income. I am interested to hear how others answer these questions too.
  12. @Artsygirlms, first - I really love your artwork. If you decide to do a blog, I hope you let me know! Like you, there is mental illness all over my family as well, within a quirky mix of creatives and professionals. After my hospitalization, I've been making a concerted effort to allow myself to express more of my creativity. My current administrative, white-collar, stressful job makes me feel like a round peg in a square hole (or however that goes) all the time. The resident crazy person in an office of mainstream, well-adjusted humans. At this point, I am working on accepting that I will never have the career I had hoped for, and instead, intentionally embracing the crazy and trying to use my powers for good :-) Thanks for continuing to post. I resonate with many of your experiences. While I am sorry you are going through them, your posts are meaningful and helpful to me.
  13. Since my hospitalization, which caused a noticeable absence at work, I am much more inclined to be open. I wonder how many folks are suffering in isolation like I was. i also told my friends. I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I do I want to be open with. However - I also trust my instincts whether to disclose or not. If I get the wrong vibe, that overrules anything else.
  14. The person below me...

    Nope. Sugar all the way.... TPBM likes cloudy days better than sunny ones.
  15. random thoughts!

    I like scarves.