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About DelRey

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  1. Yes, I understand you. Being unemployed makes for me everything so much harder, plus it gives my mind so much free time to wonder in unwanted places such as, is someone going to break into my house tonight? Am I going to be abducted by aliens? How am I going to die? Is there going to be an earthquake? and the list goes on. I am sure that with my current medication I would perform very good if I had a job.
  2. So I was wondering how you deal with unemployment. I rely on my husband and family for financial support including my medication and this is an absolute torture because everyone is going through such an incredibly difficult financial situation, it makes me feel super useless, desperate, I just want to run and run and not stop. I cry and feel so useless, it's that combination of depression and anxiety at the same time where one simply wonders when is everything going to be over and if it's even worth trying harder. I am very close to getting a job, I think tomorrow will be my last interview and I am very positive I will get it, but if I don't get it I will be devastated and at an even worse position because I have applied already to all possible businesses which can hire someone with my skills and education and they have rejected me. How to keep anxiety and depression under control in these situations? There is no medication that can actually solve these issues. BTW it is rainy season in the country where I live, and thunderstorms can get pretty nasty, anyone else with thunderstorm phobia, I will get under a blanket with earmuffs, heart raising and can not do anything at all throughout the duration of the storm. Every day is a struggle when I see the sky cloudy. Thanks! Peace
  3. Thanks so much jt07 and TakeAChillPill, I am very happy to be around I will definitely tell my Dr everything, now that analyze it, there are certain things I haven't told him because maybe I just focused on being depressed. But, it is very important information he needs to know about. I was thinking how maybe I am aware that these fears make me miserable, however never gave them the importance I should have. My husband just tells me: you think too much, stop thinking. And maybe he is right, I overthink everything up to a point it intereferes with my life, I don't do it on purpose. This has been very eye opening, I am already very anxious about going to see my Dr . Anyone has any technique for what I can do when my mind starts wondering in unwanted places, especially at night? Thanxxx
  4. Hi everyone, I am new around here and English is not my native language but I will do my best to try to make this post as concise as possible. I am 32 yr old female, since 13 I remember getting suicidal thoughts and depression. When I was 20 finally saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed Paxil. I was on it for about 1 year but meds are very expensive where I live so couldn't afford medication anymore, around 3 years ago started taking Pristiq (desvenlafaxine) again same history, no money to afford the pills. Sleep wise I never had actual problems sleeping, I loved taking naps, falling asleep in pure silence. However around that time I started noticing that I had to be in complete silence otherwise I couldn't sleep, or if my husband started snoring or there was a cricket it would wake me up. Around Feb of last year things started going really bad in my marriage (I think my husband doesn't understand that depression is not being sad every now and then, it is something very serious people do not make it up in order to call attention) due to things going so bad I basically had a nervous breakdown, I seriously felt I was going to lose my mind, I would get panic attacks, extreme suicidal thoughts, self harm and terrible insomnia (I wasn't medicated at all when this happened). One of those nights of the end of March I woke up in the middle of the night, there was pure silence except one thing, I could hear kind of a very faint sound of a "motor" in my head. I started doing the research and found out there there is indeed people who suffer from tinnitus, but to be honest I do not think it is the case for me, I remember in the past hearing something I would just put the pillow in a different position and it would be quiet again. I did deep research about tinnitus and I know deep inside of me that it is not the case for me, I know it is my brain playing nasty tricks on me. I went to a neurologist this time, I started taking Cymbalta (duloxetine) if I am not mistaken I started with 30 mg? moved up to 60 mg per day and also with a small dosis of Xanax I would say 0.25 per day, the Dr also explained me that patients with depression can suffer from vertigo and/or tinnitus (there it was I knew it wasn't because my hearing was damaged, it was because of my brain) a couple of months later the Xanax stopped working so I was moved to Lorazepam 2 mg per night along with 5 mg of Olanzapine (I suck at keeping track of dosage sorry), until a month ago I was with 6 mg of Lorazepam, but I just couldn't get any sleep so I was moved to Midazolam 15 mg per night which is working good for me and instead of being treated for depression I am being treated for bipolar disorder with valproic acid. So bottom line I am just taking 15 mg of Midazolam to help with my sleep and 750 mg of valproic acid, the Dr said he wants to see what for two months prescribing the minimum possible. How am I feeling? Mood swing wise I have been really stable, I want to go to psychotherapy (unfortunately no money for it at the moment it will have to wait) however here comes the anxiety/extreme fear part. Ever since I was little I recall obsessing over things, to the point that I can not get it out of my mind, I remember when I was around 8 years old, for some reason, I got obsessed with the fear of being dizzy, and even convinced the Dr, myself and my family that I suffered from vertigo (not because I wanted to call for attention or anything like that, but because my head really believed it, it had become real) I was even on some meds for Vertigo, then I was taken off the pills because in reality I never had vertigo so it was pointless, I quickly forgot about it and moved on with my life. When I was about 25 years old I was convinced it was going to be the end of the world, I seriously considered suicide, I would cry non stop and didn't understand how do people live everyday without being scared of dying at the Apocalypse. I seriously could not get my mind off it, then I met my husband and my mind started being busy with other things, so I wasn't scared anymore. Around two years ago, I started obsessing over alien abductions, and started developing this fear of sleeping and getting abducted, again I couldn't function very well on my day to day and my sleep was once more, affected because I could not stop thinking about the documentaries and stories I had watched, however I was addicted to it, I wanted even more. My husband basically prohibited to me to stop watching those things, because I was paranoid at night. What I have now is the fear of the noises my head makes up, I know it is my own self making them up because, I have gone months without hearing anything for months, have been to the beach, slept a lot while I was on those vacations, went to Europe to visit my husband's family, had the time of my life and did not hear anything. But when I do not have anything better to do (like right now, I am unemployed) my mind starts wondering in places it shouldn't, so for example, I get extremely anxious at night time, because I know everyone goes to sleep, hence everything is quet and unless I take my pill I do not sleep, if I do not sleep that means that the noise becomes louder, so what I do is sleep only at my moms house, it has been a month since I started hating my house, especially my room. I feel bad vibes coming from it. It is just so lonely and quiet, ugh I hate it. Around a month ago, I got food poised and could not take my sleeping pill therefore I spent awake like almost 48 hrs, I remember my head was going to explode and my ears were going crazy, it started raining, and I started obsessing over hearing voices from the rain. I had to "shake" myself because I know it was a door I better left close, because otherwise if I let that "monster" into my life of hearing voices, there was no coming back. Last week at night, I remember feeling very anxious, and getting extreme fear of death, earthquakes, end of the world, aliens and other things as such. I try to control myself as much as I can when I start having these thoughts so I do not end up in a panic attack. I am taking my meds everyday, trying to save money for therapy since I think it will really help, practicing yoga everyday and learning a new language. Trying not to stress over my unemployment. But my point is, has any of you have started obsessing over something that you are terrified of that you actually end up believing it is true (even though deep inside you know it is not real) to a point that it affects your life. I want my silence back. I have had it, but after those days I got food poisoned I obsessed with the stupid noises again and I just want them to shut up again. How do you cope with phobias of death, earthquakes, meteors hitting the earth? anyone like me? I am even scared of looking at the sky, because I feel so little and insignificant in the universe I am scared of the earth stopping its rotation, the list could go on. It is not just a fear, if I start thinking about it, I will get so anxious, depressed and scared to the point where I get suicidal. I am even terrified about the moment when I will be taken off my meds and having to go through benzo withdrawal, or building tolerance and my life being a living hell without sleeping. Thanks for any input given, please move the post if it doesn't belong here, I just did not find a better place to post it. Hope everyone has a good one!