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About amskray

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    Trying to survive.
  1. I hear this! That is often the first thought in my head when I wake up in the morning : "when can I take a nap?". Even when I am doing relatively well, I still have that thought but I can put it on hold and go about my day. On bad days I can't stop thinking about going to sleep.
  2. Up until 2 years ago, I had not experienced that feeling of true happiness,letting go and just enjoying the moment in YEARS. I really thought my life was over. I had turned 50 and I thought my life was basically over bc I was "old". I was able to get some intensive treatment (due to our socialized health-care here in Germany ) and I actually felt so good for a long time. Now I have settled in to everyday life and it's harder to feel completely happy but I am doing so much better than before and I am able to see possibilities and solutions to my problems. My point is that it IS possible to feel better. I didn't think it was either.
  3. For me it's emptying the dishwasher. Seems like an insurmountable task even though I know it isn't. As for showering, I do it in the evenings. My only idea is to make a strict schedule and stick to it. No exceptions,for 3 months. At that point it should become a habit. (But I second the idea of being kind to yourself, even if you don't achieve your goal)!
  4. @Blahblah.:Agomelatine is an atypical antidepressant which has few of the typical side effects (no weight gain). It can cause liver problems. It can help with the quality of sleep.
  5. So....I did go to the doctor and I presented him with my research. He agreed to prescribe Agomelatine. I just need to get a liver test . I have put the whole thing on hold bc I am making a last minute trip to the US to visit my mother. She has dementia and has really started deteriorating in the past few weeks. Very sad. On the other hand, I am feeling good,oddly enough. I finally found 2 therapists that I like after searching fora long time. Now I actually have to choose! For awhile I couldn't find any!
  6. http://shop.adamjk.com/products That's the link to an artist's shop. Adamjk. He has some funny pins like one that says "calm down/cheer up". And as everyone here knows, it's really helpful when someone tells you that!😉 Anyway, it made me laugh and maybe it will make someone here laugh,too.
  7. I relate. I felt much like that for a really long time. Nearing 50, I felt like my life was basically over. I didn't see any possibilities for me. Then I had inpatient treatment (which is covered by health insurance here which is a luxury I realize) and actually got to know myself again! (Now that I am back in the real world I am struggling again which sucks). I had no idea that I would get this opportunity. I did not see things changing for me. Sometimes we are presented with opportunities so don't give up!
  8. @Blahblah I just take Duloxetine. I want to add something to it. When I tried to switch last summer I had horrible withdrawal symptoms and ended up in the hospital. So I want to avoid that! I've narrowed it down to 2 meds that I will ask my doctor about:Agomelatine and Bupropion.
  9. Hi Blah. I haven't been on here in awhile. I'm sorry to see thst you are still struggling. As you know, I am a US expat. I have lived here in Germany now for 18 years. It took forever for me to learn the language,make friends and start to feel more comfortable here. And since the last US election i don't want to go back. (Not to mention the strong social system here with health insurance ). Anyway, I am going through a bsd time right now and even though I do have friends and kids snd a husband, I am feeling very isolated and alone. I relate to your feelings of always having to do the work with relationships. And I experience when trying to set up play dates for my kids. People don't call back, don't respond or act like i'm some freak when I try to set something up. You said that you want to feel a sense of belonging and I do too. I have only rarely felt like I belonged . For me, these feelings come from my childhood. So I'm in therapy to work through that but, honestly, how fucking long is it going to take??? I know how hard it can be to be in the position you are in and i am sorry. One idea that I had for you was checking into your local chapter of Democrats Abroad. I just recently have become involved and have met some people who have lived abroad for many years and seem to be staying. (There are a lot of transient people,too). It kind of helps with my feelings of homesickness (although I also still feel like an outsider much of the time).
  10. Hi. I haven't been on here in awhile. Things got better and now they're worse. I am going to make an appointment with the doctor and give him these ideas. Thanks, everybody!
  11. I am 52. I was depressed as a child. I guess I don't have the severest form of depression but it's bad enough. Right now I am the most stable I've ever been. I live in Germany (I am a US citizen) so we have good medical coverage for which I am grateful (and guilty bc ,really, everybody should have good,affordable health care ). I never thought that I would get to this point so I do have hope for my future but I also have lots of anxiety about it too.
  12. Thank you all for your thoughtful replies! 💚 I am in treatment. I'm in the process of finding a new therapist due to insurance issues. Fucking depression! My anxiety has subsided. I'm not sure what is going on...I guess I'llhave to wait and see how the next few days are.
  13. Hello everyone. I haven't been here for awhile. I am feeling pretty bad so i am reaching out. I would appreciate any comforting words of wisdom. It'sthe same old thing :strong anxiety, think everyone hates me, feeling completely alone and abandoned, pervasive negative thoughts, certain that I will always feel this way, kind of want to die(I am not at risk for suicide). ANXIETY! I am trying to get connected with the part of me who has some perspective but so far that part does not seem available. I just really fucking hate this!
  14. I have lots of experience with feeling lonely and not having friends and actually having friends but feeling like I don't have them. It became clear to me recently that what I am looking for is connection. That may be obvious to everyone else but it wasn't to me. I have found that instead of "looking for friends" I can just try to be around people and try to generally connect with the human race. If friendship should occur then that's good too. I go to a regular exercise class and that is one opportunity to make connections. I also like the idea of volunteering. The lgbt group could also be good if you could make the time.