Lms-Kaz

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About Lms-Kaz

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  1. Everybody lives in their own unique headspace. Each individuals perception of people, events, emotions, and intentions has been formed through lessons learned in their own life. People are molded by experience. No two people on this planet walk the same path. With that in mind, there is a huge amount of pressure to not be seen as the person who makes waves. My own lack of social skills may be incredibly frustrating to a lot of people, but.. I rationalize it in a wierd way. I would rather NOT fit in, than to ever change what defines my identity and pretend to be somebody I am not, just for the sake of earning the approval of people who seek to manipulate my identity only to feel better about themselves. The consequence is.. scaring away the ever so critical social network runs from the bitter, resentful version of myself that replaced the stressed out bobble-head I once was. Trying to please the world is hard work! I have learned to avoid measuring my success in life by the amount of people getting in line to ask for favors. Freedom from influence is empowering. People come and people go. The only exception to that is the reflection in the mirror. Find peace from within. Do whatever works for you. In a public forum setting, that entire principle goes against the conventional wisdom where your happiness is a reflection of everybody elses opinion of what happiness means.. to them. If being a jerk protects you from the consequence of being betrayed by people you can't see eye to eye with, changing how you think, or behave, or react, in order to be more appealing to them has its own downfall. Some people like banana and pickle sandwiches. Some people like grilled cheese. Some people like peanut butter and jelly. Some people don't like sandwiches at all and eat only vegetables? Mix the ingredients on the same plate to please everybody, and everybody turns their nose up. Being bold and direct is percieved to be a lot like forcing people to eat that nasty mystery platter. Mastering social skills is the solution. Figuring out who likes what, or what they want, or how they like it, or when they want it. I say Nooooooo.. to the anxiety of it all. I like my bold and direct qualities. I like being extremely difficult to approach or relate to. Why? Because if anybody can get through that wall, they have proven themselves to be somebody I can trust. This is a society riddled with selfish entitlement. Everybody wants something for nothing. By encouraging people to earn your trust, that investment gains value. Doesn't matter who they are. Coworker. Therapist. Psychologist. Psychiatrist. Family... random internet strangers. Find an environment where being direct and blunt is seen as an asset rather than a liability. You have a gift. Rather than question how everybody else may want to offer advice to change who you are.. Embrace it. Blogging? Movie, restaurant, hotel, cruise ship, entertainment critic. Mystery shopper. Real estate. Activism. Research analyst. There are lots of occupations out there that are perfect for people who lack the capacity to candy coat things. Nothing is more empowering than self-sufficiency. True freedom is the ability to ignore the people who expose their own insecurities by finding fault with how you present yourself. As long as the treatment is focused on the individual (rather than creating a robotic cookie cutter model perfect fit in the box human), I have nothing against therapy or medication at all. Sadly though, for the rebellious and outspoken types, the job security of many therapists is dependant on their ability to reprogram what defines us. I tried to keep this reply short. Saying, 'life would be so much easier if we obediently sell out to our peers'.. Well, no. That is the definition of delusional.
  2. Bluntness. Being direct. Lacking tactfulness. With the amount of devestation this one trait has amassed throughout my life, it should be its own individual diagnosis that automatically comes with a referral to surgically modify my face to install a zipper on my lips with a time delay locking mechanism to release it. I have absolutely zero patience with (or ability to ignore) the contradictions that jump out at me when associating with humanity. I do not have whatever gift it takes to be tactful, or politically correct, or just nod along with calm indifference when anybody is using the power of their position to judge my thoughts, actions, or decisions. Instead, I see right through it all, call people out on their wishy-washy perspective, and challenge people to commit to their beliefs. Their reaction is always the same whenever the confrontation becomes unavoidable. They get defensive, illogical, desperate to cling to their delusion of it all, and exploit my focus on exposing the truth as if my stubbornness is some kind of threat to society. I have lost jobs because of it, lost parental rights to my children because of it, lost my freedom and sat in jail many time because of it. Challenging people in positions of authority comes with an insane amount of negative consequences. That is the lesson I can not seem to ever learn. Therapy? Medication? Treatment? If we, as individuals, can't fit ourselves into that magical, invisible box where our thoughts, actions, and decisions no longer become a target for the collective scorn of those who we intimidate by being defiant, the cycle never ends. There is no middle ground. There is no compromise. In the end, we are all stuck with the same decision to make. As individuals, we are all just a rain drop in the vast ocean. One drop can not make the water rise, or change the temperature. It all becomes a simple matter of adapting to the environment. Some of us are a drop of oil who don't mix well and can't be absorbed within the tide without completely sacrificing our identity in the process. The truth becomes irrelevant. Doesn't matter how right, or passionate, or justified, or outspoken anybody who opposes the establishment is. Conform. Comply.. or Suffer. In my mind, I am deemed mentally ill mostly because I refuse to accept that reality. A drop of oil in the ocean longing for acceptance by an environment programmed to cast me away. Such a powerful delusion. In the 20 years since my diagnosis, the intensity of my symptoms perfectly align with the amount of pressure I feel to conform to the demands of others - at the expense of sacrificing my own identity and having my soul be ripped away by jaded people who see no value in it. Not that it matters, but.. this is the ramblings of somebody who has an IQ that many can only dream of. It is a curse. If I wasn't so smart, I wouldn't see all the contradictions. I wouldn't intimidate anybody by challenging them. I would conform and comply, go to therapy, take my meds, and learn to drift along invisible in the tide, blissfully ignorant of the petty games we are all forced to play in order to survive. Being blunt exposes a person. They stand out. They become a target. Perhaps that is the pressure you feel? Once the stakes get high enough.. If you go your own way, those who get left behind label you a snobby narcissist. If you cave in to the pressure, it crushes your pride to feel like a martyr for conforming to what you don't believe. Life is such an intricate balancing act.
  3. Oh wow.. yup. Hair cutting.. luckily I can wear a hat all the time. I have used the same 'let my 5 year old niece try to give me a haircut' excuse for the last 15 years. Surprised any of the stylists have ever called me out on it. The child that never has birthdays!? I guess if you tip well enough they wouldn't care if the butchery was blamed on a pet dinosaur? See you in 6 weeks? Yeah right.. I got this! Lol. 6 months later.. Hellllllppppp!
  4. The Magazine video was a new one to me. Lots of different influences in there. Psychedelic Furs & early Bowie (before he got really wierd. Groundbreaking bands like this swam across the big pond, landed in LA, reinvented themselves and became the inspiration for some really amazing current sounds in the surf punk genre. I caught a show by FIDLAR a couple years ago in San Diego. Same vibe in the modern era. None of the trendsetters ever got the fame they deserved. That's what makes finding them so oddly satisfying now. Under the shadows of advertisements and mainstream garbage, Youtube hides a treasure chest full of diamonds waiting to be discovered.
  5. A morning dose of auditory catharsis. I have a soft spot for artists that have the ability to expose my soul through their lyrics and challenge my cowardly desire to become emotionally transparent. If the link loads as intended, this is a Meg Myers playlist. Enjoy.
  6. I am one of those rare people that medication had absolutely no effect on my weight. Didn't gain an ounce after a couple years of the dreaded Seroquel and several others. I don't eat a lot, but, I do eat regularly and have never devoted myself to any particular diet. I don't have any cravings for sugary or salty foods, so I have no problem avoiding them. I am not any kind of exercize fanatic, but I do get off my butt and go for long hikes through the wilderness. Of all the research I have done with the relationship between foods and moods, what makes sense to me is keeping things simple and minimizing gluten intake. Much easier than it sounds. Flour, wheat, barley and a lot of grains are out. Gluten hides in wierd places. Salad dressings, condiments, and sauces? (It is primarily used as a binding agent or thickener in anything soupy or sticky). I haven't found anything that can't be easily substituted without losing flavor. Oddly, there is often a lot of gluten in soaps, shampoos, toothpaste, and many medications. I keep it simple. Less ingredients = healthier food. Easier to pronounce ingredients = healthier food. Healthier food = healthy mind, attitude, body, and emotions. I eat 4 or 5 small meals a day. Sometimes it's just a snack of Cheerios, nuts, cheese, fruit, or yogurt. But, yup.. I still eat my fair share of meat, potatoes, potatoes, and corn. Only difference is, I don't pile a mountain of processed mystery ingredients on top of them. I try not to eat out much. Fast food is a heart attack in a paper sack and any decent, healthy meal comes with a ridiculous price tag. My only horrible dietary habit is that I drink enough coffee daily to drown a whale. Had no problem with sobriety, I am not ever gonna budge on the even the thought of giving up my precious java bean addiction!
  7. It happens in nature all the time.. several species hibernate in the winter to avoid facing the elements. So, yeah. I suppose it could be a self-preservation response in times of overwhelming stress. Emotional rather than physical? Ignorance is bliss, right? There have been many, many times in my life when I knew I should be caring about something, or knew I should be saying something but I just couldn't get the thoughts into words or actions. Happens the other way, too. There have been many times I should have shoved a sock in my own mouth and handcuffed myself to something sturdy at home. So much regret and no prescription to induce selective amnesia! In terms of goldfish brain being a reaction to stress? My stress induced psychosis has led to bouts of blacking out. I have woken up in a hospital twice with absolutely no memory of the hours of insanity that I put everybody through leading up to that. I did experience a lot of short term memory issues when I was starting medication. After my brain melted, I missed a month of work and had to teach myself how to think again. Mindless zombie. I would constantly be hiding things from myself and forgetting where I put everything. Had to attach my keys to a necklace. Attach my wallet on a chain to my belt. Forgetting conversations. Woke up to friends and strangers hanging out at my place and had no memory of inviting them over. Kept writing notes on the back of my hand. Lost phones and coffee cups, eventually found them. Missed several appointments. Set an alarm to remember something, then forgot to write down what I was setting an alarm to remember. That was beyond goldfish level. I was a human rock brain for a while. There is no way to know if the medication was the reason for it. I was not on any meds leading up to the worst of my episodes. The mind melts in some very wierd ways. It's been about 15 years since that experience. Made a lot of changes. Over a decade now without any meds, but.. if the psychosis ever returns, I won't hesitate to get back on them. But, yes. Goldfish brain tends to slowly dissipate as the brain chemicals get realigned after stress or illness throws them out of balance. Try to maintain a routine. Eat well. Sleep well. Stay active. Exercize your brain with some simple word and number puzzle apps. I have Scrabble and Sudoku on my phone. Took a long time for my memory and intelligence to fully recover. The emotional part of my brain is still a mess. Sacrificing feelings and relationships to maintain sanity? Fair trade. I can live with that.
  8. Hmmm. I have had plenty of dreams when all of my senses were stimulated. Can see the lightning, hear the thunder, feel the boom, smell the rain, and taste the coffee I was sipping.. all while sitting on the imaginary park bench in my mind. Did I have a commentator in the shadows of the shadows giving me play-by-play analysis on the size, shape, and sound of each lightning strike? Nope. But, amazingly enough.. I somehow knew exactly where to look at exactly the right time to see the next bolt hit the lake in front of me. I could command the lightning to strike at my will. It has been said that the complexity of dreams is a subconscious reflection of the stresses we face through the actions (or inaction) of our daily environments. In that regard, dreams are almost like self-hypnosis? In my example above, I was desperate to control things happening in my life that I had no ability to manipulate or influence. Hearing a distinct voice leads me to think you are considering deliberately (and rebelliously) disregarding the advice of those around you. Subconsciously, you are aware that you are contemplating going against the grain of the collective opinions of your peers? In our little corner of twisted rationalizations, perhaps the depth of the dream is foreshadowing the result to come if you give in to temptations to experiment with something that has caused a negative consequence in the past? There is a niche of YouTube devoted to the power of lucid dreams. Supposedly, if you find the right frequency for your brain and play several hours of it through your mind while you sleep, you can experience a depth of dreams beyond anybody's comprehension. There are many people who remain skeptical of the ability of the mind to subconsciously tap into the influence of auditory stimulation. After personally experiencing the wonders of lucid dreaming, I know better. In my experience, it does work, but.. be warned.. the dreams can go towards either extreme. They can be fun, blissful, and euphoric.. or they can be a sensory manifestation of intense negatives. And, it feels real. Scary real. As somebody who not get attached to anybody or anything out of a fear of abandonment, intense dreams are fascinating to me. I wake up and it's like somebody pulled the plug on the tv. Fantasy gets replaced with reality. Regardless of the content of the dream, it was nice to actually feel SOMETHING.. Even if it was just an illusion.
  9. "Goldfish brain".. Very accurate description. Everybody has their own unique path they wander in life. There have been a couple times in my own life where I have experienced "Goldfish brain". I am intelligent to the point that it intimidates a lot of the same professionals who take on the responsibility of guiding my wayward mind back to whatever they perceive as stability. Outside influences of stress induce the chemicals in my brain to react in some really strange ways. And mentally, after the frenzy of thoughts and actions, I freeze up and withdraw from everything. My time is spent churning through all the variables trying to process every last detail of Everything. In my head, I am stuck. So many thoughts, feelings, and emotions.. but no way to express them. Even if I managed to find the words, it still wouldn't matter. Everything that is perfectly logical and rational in my mind is seen as deluded psychosis by everybody who is trying to force me to conform to whatever their idea of 'normal' is. The more pressure I feel to be crammed into that box, the more I rebel against it. The more I stand my ground and try to explain my logical reasoning, the more unstable everybody thinks I am becoming. I have been thrown in jail and lost parental rights to my children simply for questioning the selfish agendas and exposing the devious motivations of the court system. The next phase of that process is to completely shut down mentally. If I am not allowed to think freely, what is the point? Why think at all? Why care? Why have any emotion? Why react? Why even try? If nobody has any interest in making a sincere effort to understand, why offer more to be further misunderstood by those who ignorantly judge? For me, goldfish brain is a couple different layers. The stress that overloads my brain, followed by frustration, followed by isolation. At the same time, my entire life is crumbling, everything that means everything is being taken from me, and I am painfully aware of how powerless I am to stop any of it. Goldfish brain steals the ability to find or express the words needed to bridge the gap between what is deemed to be acceptable thought patterns or actions and what is not. The lesson i have learned is that some of us are labeled 'crazy' simply because that is more convenient than to harness that passion or energy and redirect it in a positive way. Goldfish brain was a very very very unacceptable side effect of medication for me. Even if the delusion is perceived by professionals as some kind of threat to myself or humanity.. I need it. Nothing scared me more than feeling nothing at all. So, rather than find ways to cope with things as they come, I took the minimalistic approach and now work very hard to not encounter the stress that becomes the snowflake that starts the avalanche. That is the gift of having nothing left to lose. Everybody is an individual that has their own path to learn how to navigate their own way. I try to find positive in the negative. Goldfish brain can be a good thing. Same effect as touching a hot stove. If we repeat painful experiences, we will eventually learn to find better ways to avoid them.
  10. I kinda think that is one of the equally fascinating/maddening attributes of the bipolar mind. All of the different perspectives that we have trained ourselves to analyze things from. What is their motivation? What do they want? Are they sincere? Am I setting myself up to be taken advantage of? Then.. there is the other side.. are my feelings sincere? Is this another episode of the affliction manipulating my mind into making an impulsive decision? Then there is the other, other side.. Do I even care to evaluate any of it? Life is worth living.. so, I am gonna live it. If that means I make terrible decisions that come with terrible consequences, so be it. I am gonna have my fun regardless of what anybody else thinks of it! With those perspectives in mind, past mistakes have led me to be more conscious of what might be happening and try to avoid the consequences of me being impulsive. In the past few years, I have shyed away from any resemblance of a formal relationship. Until I can learn to trust myself to not overcommit emotionally, for me, it is not a risk worth taking. I'm tired of the guilt and regret of unintentionally hurting people. Tired of being betrayed by the opportunists that I foolishly believe in. For the sake of my fleeting sanity, I have got to break that cycle. So, in regards to your question? It is very healthy to question things. Temptation will always be there. The internet is a human petting zoo. If you know where to look, anything you could ever fall for is constantly peeking over the fence with pathetic pleading eyes. Society puts so much pressure on being 'in a relationship'. Adding the appearance being happy in that same relationship is the next layer of pressure. The more you let your guard down, the more vulnerable to that influence you will become. A desperate desire to 'fit in' comes with its own emotional pitfalls. Focus on what is healthy for you. If you crave stability, I wouldn't be seeing any potential for security or happiness in those who put the cart before horse. Nothing will challenge that sensibility more than a manic episode. The whole idea of interpreting perspectives isnt very easy. Everybody has different expectations. Different decisions have to be made to please different people. Everything contradicts. It is your life to live. Experience takes exposure. Wisdom takes time. We have to make mistakes before we eventually gain the proper perspective to learn enough from it all and not repeat them, right? Online dating? The vast majority of the time I avoid the temptation entirely. When I relent and delve into the petting zoo, I am now fully honest about mutually dysfunctional expectations and scratch that itch without risk or regret. I do not get attached. Fair compromise. No harm done.
  11. I've been a huge fan of theirs since I got dragged to Warped Tour in 2014 and caught their set. Icon for Hire has a brilliant lyricist. Like Justin Furstenfeld from Blue October, Ariel has a gift for peeling the hypocrisy away, exposing the twisted soul, and challenging the enlightened few to question the illusion of it all. Their last albums from both groups seemed to be a slight progression away from the tangled knot of desperate frustrations that inspired the beginning of their musical career. Their desire for acceptance has been fulfilled? If that trend continues, good for them.. but, when they take the sick away, who am I supposed to find comfort in listening to? It's music.. thankfully there is always a new contender to fill that void, right? Until then, the older stuff from Modest Mouse, Billy Talent, and OLP seem to be the ones I dust off from my collection whenever my mind gets scrambled.
  12. In regards to the potential for lithium toxicity, it rarely happens for a variety of reasons. It is very easy to test for with simple bloodwork. After it has been prescribed, a couple follow-up appointments to check lithium absorption levels are done. The dosage can easily be modified to achieve a proper 'therapeutic' level. Lots of variables mean that every individual has a target lithium range to stay within. Level too low? Body metabolizes it with no mental health benefit. Level too high? Risk for toxicity. The longer it stays too high, the higher the risk. Many many many people use it with no issues at all. I worked in a very warm and humid manufacturing environment. Dehydration caused the beginning of my issues. A busy night shift schedule made it very difficult for me to make it to appointments to have the blood test done. I ended up on a dosage that was too high for my weight and, by not staying properly hydrated, the excessive lithium built up in my kidneys. Gaining or losing more than 5% of your body weight after starting the medication may also require slight dosage adjustments. Plenty of blame to go around. In the end, my issue meant that I had to get off the lithium and hope that no permanent damage was done. Lithium is great for mood stabilization. Just gotta monitor your weight and take an occasional blood test to make sure all is well. And.. stay hydrated! Add a gatorade to your daily diet to replace the electrolytes. The link provided paints a bleak picture. Don't let it scare you away from the potential gain. I'm sure you will find plenty of people here in the forum that have seen an improvement by using lithium as their base for mood mellow-ing. https://www.kidney.org/atoz/content/lithium
  13. Living for 12 years without meds is its own seperate madness. Since it is not possible to know how my life would have been different if I mustered up the patience to try new Medicoaster tracks, instead of the alternative approach, it is all a mystery. In hindsight, I probably should have stayed on meds and sacrificed my physical health. My mental health issues have caused a LOT of issues and heartache for everybody who tried to care about me.
  14. One of the best live shows out there.. Enjoy.
  15. Paranoia is the incessant buzz of mood gauging self-analysis in the back of my mind. Why did I do that? Why did I say that? What am I going to do next? What am I going to say next? Is that me doing it? Is that me saying it? Or, is it the affliction? Doesn't matter.. I am the affliction. Maybe I should just say nothing and do nothing? No.. then everybody will know something is wrong. Then I will have to explain myself to people who don't have the capacity to understand. Just fake it.. Nobody has the patience, compassion, time, interest, energy, or intelligence to reach into my soul and free me of this madness.. Just fake it. Distract them. Say something brilliant they can't possibly comprehend. Intimidate them with their own insecurities. Walk away. That is my life. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.