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About Cagedxbutterfly

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  1. Who else has to drink before social functions? I drink pretty much now for everything social such as parties even to hangout with a buddy or two...just about everything. Alcohol is my crutch now and I like to mix it with Kpin when I have it. Anybody else do this?
  2. He is a good guy for the most part. I feel like I'm shitty. I tried to leave him before I was pregnant and he put a gun to his head and told me he couldn't lose me. It boggled me and I just stayed... We just don't have a lot in common. And I want someone I can laugh with even when I'm sober and down. I lost all of that. Then that's where his brother is. I know I would regret it. I just think life deals us some tricky cards sometimes and I mess up on playing my cards right but it is what it is. Thanks for your input.
  3. First of all I know just the title sounds horrible but I have absolutely no one to talk to and already feel like shit so please don't be too cruel.I got married with my husband who is ultimately a good guy after being together for a few years and having a baby together. I never wanted to get married or have children so I realize I got myself here and do love my husband and daughter. I have always been a wild child with a messed up childhood and my husband is the good guy. Along with me being the wild child I always had addictions and struggle terribly with anxiety, OCD, & depression. My husband has never been able to fathom this about me but he kinda rolls with it. My husband is 33 and I am 26 so there is a little age gap. The past few months I have felt so down. I lost insurance and we only qualify to get insurance for our daughter so quit cold turkey on the meds I was prescribed that kind of helped except for me abusing certain things. I have been so down and out and my husband is always working so when I kind of gave up trying to go out with him and I was so depressed because we had childcare arranged a night we were to go out and he told me he was going into work. I started drinking as I do when I get down. Then he gets upset with me. Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom because I feel like I am so alone even though I am with someone. I have struggled with being a good mother and I just don't have a lot of life in me unless I have drugs. Getting to his brother....he is 2 years older then me and we both have so much in common he has gotten in trouble a lot and he is like the black sheep in the family. He also has mental issues like me. He lives in a different state though. We were introduced within the first couple of years my husband and I was dating when we flew to see his family. I was immediately attracted to him as we got to know each other. I also met his other brother who is a few years older but was not attracted as I shouldn't be. But there is something about this particular brother that drew me in but I kept my distance as I was trying to be respectful. We fly back home and he always added me on FB and we would talk small talk on and off for a couple of years. We both have unresolved drug addictions. We relate a ton. So this is where shit gets a little messed up. In the past couple of months he started reaching out to me a little more but we started to flirt with each other via FB on and off. Well I want to say for a month I couldn't go a day without reaching out to him or vice versa. I think about him so much it's sickening. We recently went to go visit my husband's dad whom he hasn't got to see in years and also his brother that I have become obsessed with. The first night we got in we picked his brother and his brothers sugar mama(he uses older women and can't seem to get with anyone his age since his girlfriend died)Well we all went back to the hotel. My husband is not a party person as he is a home body so he stayed at the hotel with our daughter while me and his brother and his sugar mama took a walk to the liquor store. We were already messed up but his sugar mama passed out and we took her back to the hotel and laid her down. Me and his brother went out to smoke then he grabbed me and we went to the laundry room and started snorting coke. I was taking pills. We both were pretty messed up but still coherent. Well next thing happened so fucking fast we started walking back to the woods and he showed me his cock. I told him I didn't need to see that as I was still trying to be respectful even though both of our intentions were pretty fuxked up. I really didn't want to do anything sexual I just wanted to vibe with someone who feels me if that makes sense. He tells me that I don't know how beautiful I am and I just told him to hold me. He did but he couldn't keep his hands off of me. He kissed my lips really hard I know he was high like me but I wouldn't kiss back but I didn't stop him. I did kiss his neck and we both agreed that we would be perfect for each other.Everything happened so fast and he started fingering me, feeling my ass, tits and I was hesitant but I still didn't stop him. I did tell him I couldn't go as far to have sex as bad as I wanted to and he told be he respects me for that. I wanted it and I know it's so wrong. We both agreed to take this shit with us to our graves. We parted ways so it didn't seem like we had been together and he went on a walk and I did too because we both go on walks when we are upset when I came back to the hotel my husband and his brother were in the lobby. My husband had called the cops worried looking for because we were staying in a shady area so I understand but I was still kind of upset so I started throwing bottles and just telling him to let me live my life..fucking selfish, I know. Well I finally got some sleep but woke up feeling like shit of course with shakes.That morning my husband took his brother to work and his brother messaged me good morning. Thought everything was cool..(as cool as it could even be) We agreed we was all going to hang out minus a lot of stuff. Well that night his brother dipped out and his sugar mama tells me that he had a mental breakdown which he has these often. He just shaved all of his hair off and disappeared. When we finally got a hold of him he said he hadn't been a sleep and it was morning and he was walking the streets with our favorite whiskey. I tried to tell him to go home and lay down but he was out of control. Me and my husband went about the short trip we had there and when he was hugging his brother before we were about to go back home he locked eyes with me and gave me this look that I can't even make out and it kills me. He hugged me next and I felt everything I feel I am missing. I feel for his soul. I am more depressed then ever though because now he is ignoring me and I feel like I can't get my shit together. My husband flushed my pills I got a hold of down the toilet and poured my liquor down and told me I need help which I know. I hate myself though more then ever because I can't talk to anyone about this and the one person all this shit happened with is ignoring me now and is 650 miles away. I really feel like I am in love and I don't feel this shit for people. I was that girl who dodged people and would just have sex and not catch feelings except with my husband because we had a baby so I tried to settle. I know this is wrong and forbidden type of shit. I want to better myself for my family but I am as low as low gets and my husband is gone while I am taking care of our daughter while I bareley want to take care of myself. Someone talk to me because I feel like GOD doesn't want anything to do with me right now and I am definitely not telling my husband or anyone I know.