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quietly bonkers

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About quietly bonkers

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  • Birthday 10/23/73

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    a cold, sad place
  1. I so completely relate. I can't afford therapy right now either, so I bought the "OCD Workbook" that someone talked about in another thread on here somewhere. I thought I'd try going through that myself. But I haven't had much time, because of trying to be perfect like you said. And the time I do have, I can't focus long enough because I'm worried and beating myself up. I think you are doing a darned good job if your house is spotless, I am a mess. And I sometimes forget to make sure my daughter brushed her teeth. I hope you can look and see some of the things you do right, give yourself credit for how hard you are working.
  2. I can relate to this a lot. I also fear damnation. Do you think you could have OCD? I think that is behind a lot of these things that get stuck in my head and take over every waking thought. I get fixated on one thing that I am so terrified will happen that it makes it hard to function, it's worst as a parent, so many things I worry about that could happen to my child. Especially things that could be my fault, I worry to no end about it. I have to work so hard at letting go so she can leave the house. It's not fair for me to hold her back because I've become obsessed with one thing or another happening. And now she's having school trouble and diagnosed with ADHD and depression and I wonder if it's really my fault for not doing the right things. I am grateful I have someone at work who has grandchildren with the same problems so I have someone who understands, and assures me that it is not my fault and gives me encouragement to use resources at the school. Are there any other parents you can talk to? I always find it a relief to find out this awful thing my kid has done that I think makes me a bad parent actually turns out to be something totally normal for a kid. It's hard for me to know what is normal because I was not normal as a kid, so I don't have a good frame of reference. I still think your concerns remind me a lot of my OCD. Maybe you don't have to tell a mental health professional of the specific fear, just that you have certain fears that will overwhelm your thinking, even though people around you assure you that they are unfounded. Saying you fear something bad happening to your children is not abnormal for any parent, you can tell them what becomes a problem is when it overwhelms you so much you can't think of anything else. Good luck, I hope you find a solution. Even though I know most of my problem stems from OCD & anxiety, I haven't found the right solution to treating them yet. Still working on that part.
  3. I did not have any fatigue while increasing Lamitcal the first time, if anything, I got a little giddy. Once I got to the 200 - 250 range, I felt the most normal I'd ever felt in my entire life. And I did have some agitation, nervous feeling, and headache my first week on Wellbutrin, but it got better fairly fast. A few days and it leveled out. I have found the Wellbutrin/Lamictal combination to be really effective with minimal side effects. I still have some breakthrough anxiety, but you have Klonopin, I would expect that to even it out for you. I hope it gets better with time. I know the right mix is different for everyone, some times it takes a little time to get there.
  4. That's funny. I take bupropion now, and I never had the yawning effect from it, only Effexor (like you, it was big dramatic yawns, and there was no way to stop them). Funny how things affect people in different ways.
  5. How can this even be possible?

    I agree with Backpack that it sounds like a mixed state. I have felt very much like that, I couldn't stop moving and felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin, but all I could think about was how much I hated myself. And I kept seeing things that confirmed that I was stalked by evil, it was all very ugly. I also was not sleeping - and that was a big piece. This has happened to me twice in the last couple of years, both times I added back in seroquel IR at night and things started to slowly turn around once I was sleeping again. Maybe you can get something added in PRN that is calming. What else is calming to you? I go to an acupuncture place, and do weight training, both can calm me down as long as I can hold my head together long enough to get there.
  6. Interesting, I'd never looked into Saphris, so I went and read a little bit and it seemed like people had a lot of success using it for mixed episodes, which I tend to get and are really awful. The only alternative to Seroquel my pdoc offered was Zyprexa, which I am afraid of for the weight gain. And Abilify, but that was nearly $1000 with my insurance so I had to scratch that off the list. Good input, thank you.
  7. The person below me...

    How true. started grad school, stopped pretending to be someone I wasn't at work, changed to meds that actually help, quit smoking, got a dog, got kind of fat, started writing poetry again. All good things except for that fat part. I hope to fix that. The person below me has adopted a pet from an animal shelter.
  8. Images when I bolt awake at night...

    I had this problem over the summer. It got so bad that I wouldn't open my eyes when I woke up, I'd crash around with my eyes closed until I got the light on because I was so afraid of what I saw in the shadows. Because of the fear, and obsessive rituals and prayers I was trying to make it stop, I started sleeping less, which made everything else worse. I was starting to see little dark figures walking around when I was still up and the lights were on. I re-started Seroquel (I hadn't taken it in over a year) after a few weeks of being utterly terrified, the med helped me to finally sleep a little bit. It took about a week and a half of sleeping (more than 4 hours) and it all started getting better. But I will be honest and say I did some weird things trying to rid myself of whatever it was I thought was lurking around me for those couple of months. I hope it gets better for you, it was a frightening experience for me. But the whole thing did eventually pass and now I lay down and wake up in a normal looking room again.
  9. All good stuff to know The med was helpful for me in the past, but I've been so hesitant with it because of the side effects I haven't given it much chance in the last few years (afraid of the weight gain I experienced when I took it before) If I could tolerate staying on at a therapeutic dose for some time I'd get a better picture of whether it's right for me or not. Maybe XR would allow me to do that so I don't keep trying to start, stop, and lower the dose to avoid side effects. Thanks all -
  10. thanks for both replies. That's kind of what I thought. Why subject myself to the side effects if it's not really going to target what I need it to. I have had a sort of love/hate relationship with Seroquel for about 15 years,. The doc that recently prescribed the 100 mg thought the low dose would minimize the weight gain and other side effects. But all it's really been good for is getting me to finally sleep when I have not been sleeping for a few days. I think there might be a better solution for breakthrough symptoms. That will be my mission when I finally get to the new doc.
  11. So I see one person asked about high dose seroquel, I'm going ask about low dose. I have been reading the threads, it sounds like the experience with the med varies greatly by dose. So for my specific question...... I was taking 100 mg of it to calm an agitated state I was in over the summer. Once the agitation passed, a month or so later, I stopped taking it because it brought my intestines to a screeching halt, and I was tired of having to down 2 types of laxative to have normal digestive habits (which didn't really work out all that well for me either). Now I have felt like a walking bag of concrete for the last 2 months. It's one of those depressive states where everything is an overwhelming effort, and it's causing problems. I can't continue dragging around like this. But my pdoc quit and the next available for a new one is in a few months. Anyone think going back to the 100 mg would even be worth it for the depression? It was good to calm me down and get me to sleep, but I'm so tired all the time I don't need it for sleep. I'm thinking of starting again to see if it helps my mood, but don't want to go through the stomach issues again if it won't help bring me up out of this muck.
  12. In theory, you'd expect a pdoc to have some insight about the impacts to an anxious person. Or maybe not, maybe its one of those things that wouldn't occur to a person unless they had that same problem themselves. It's hard to say, I don't know what it's like being a non-anxious person who is trying to understand an anxious one. You will have to post about your experience when you get a new doctor, I will do the same, just to see what a difference a different doctor can make.
  13. this caught my eye because I have had the same worry, that the doc doesn't like me. I wonder if I am annoying them because they don't look up from their notes and rush me through. It got to a point where I was afraid to tell them my symptoms because i thought they thought I was annoying and maybe they thought I was making it up to get attention so I started keeping a lot to myself. Which completely defeats the point of seeing a mental health professional But i got so hung up on it.....I am seeing someone else in a couple of months (I love how when I call for an appointment the first available is in 4 months), I'm hoping I won't feel that way and I can be comfortable being honest about what I am feeling. I hope you find a good solution. I would expect at the least a pdoc should take the time to hear you out and have a mutually respectful discussion. I reckon we are paying them for a service, we have a right to request what we expect and need to get from the service.
  14. Quitting smoking

    With Wellbutrin I was able to cut down from a pack a day to about 5 cigarettes a day. I got rid of the final 5 cigarettes a day with an e-cig ("vape" as sbdivemaster put it). At first I was glued to the e-cig, but over time I used it less and less and now barely need it at all. Now it's more like an enjoyment thing. When I get tired of it and start wanting the real thing, I try new flavors to make it fun again and it helps immensely. Now I only use it a couple of times a day, the $15 bottle of e-liquid lasts me months. This is after 25 years of smoking a pack a day or more. I know it's different for everyone, but I found the Wellbutrin/e-cig combination worked where everything else had failed. I still take Wellbutrin, most antidepressants don't do squat for me or make me go nuts, I have not had that problem with Wellbutrin (as long as you keep a mood stabilizer going with it). It did make me a little jittery at first but that improved with time. I have had two unpleasant mixed episodes while on it, but both times I was doing things I shouldn't have been doing like tinkering with my dosages on my own or taking a bunch of weird supplements that I should not have been taking with meds. So I blame those things more than the Wellbutrin itself.
  15. I just noticed this post and thought I'd toss my two cents in, which is I love acupuncture I have done it for headaches, anxiety, depression, back pain, digestive issues. I go to a "community acupuncture" place, which is one where they treat multiple people at a time, so they only use points in your arms, hands, legs, feet, or head so you can stay fully dressed. Everyone minds their own business, no one looks at the other patients (maybe because they don't want to be looked at themselves). They have relaxing music and give you a blanket and pillow if you want, then you close your eyes and relax for an hour. It's the most blissful hour! I sometimes went when I was experiencing a lot of external stress because it would help me to cope better. Not all practitioners are the same, I've noticed I have different experiences with different people, so shop around until you find one that you connect with. Once you do, it's an incredibly healing experience (in my opinion). The community acupuncturists have a sliding fee scale of $15-$40 "pay what you can afford" which one reason I love them. There are a bunch in the metro area I'm in, I think they are all over the U.S.. It's a lot cheaper than a medical doctor, plus medical doctors often dismiss my physical complaints because they figure it's "all in my head." The acupuncturist doesn't care where it originates, they just want to fix it.